It's happening again

I am so aggravated with myself.  I am not doing anything.  I am not working out.  I am not really eating right anymore.  I am back to drinking Mt. Dew whenever I want.  I am not keeping my food diary.  I am not blogging on here.  I have lost all motivation.  I want to lose the weight, but I guess I want it to go away on it's own.  I have talked about working out again.  I have talked about eating all the right things.  I have talked about doing a second round of the fruit flush diet.  I have talked about starting Atkins.  I have talked about doing this, and that.  I do a LOT of TALKING.  But last night, after I ate a half a bag of chips (not really) and an oatmeal cream pie, Matt said to me "How's the diet going?" as he laughed.  I had nothing to say.  I was ashamed of myself.  And even as I type this, I am thinking - well this would be a stupid week to start, since it's Thanksgiving on Thursday.  LAZY.  LAZY.  LAZY. 

I feel like I am on my own.  Matt is not cutting down on anything.  I have no support system on here - which is one of the reasons I don't write here as often.  I am supposed to weigh in for November in just 10 days.  If I had stayed on track, I should weigh 190 pounds.  I can tell you right now, that the only way that is going to happen is if I am in a freak accident, and they have to amputate one of my arms or something.  And being that far behind does nothing for my motivation.  It's like, I can never catch up, so why not put it off until the weekend, until next Monday, until next month.

I have to face facts here.  I either change my ways, and DO instead of TALK, or admit that I will be the fat girl I have always been for the rest of my life. 

#Supersaddiscouragedfatface

Weekend Update

Wow!  What a weekend!  I was NON STOP from 5:30 am on Friday, until after 10:00 pm on Sunday... it was way too busy, but also so much fun, and way worth it.  :)

My waistline does not agree with what I just stated.  Between the wedding cake on Friday, and the not eating Saturday (I literally ate for the first time at 9:15 pm on Saturday), and then the snacks and the Thanksgiving dinner with Krista and Dana on Sunday, and then left overs on Monday with Matt's parents... My diet is 9 kinds of screwed up. 

So, I started the fruit flush this morning.  :)  I have actually had the vanilla protein for a few weeks now, but I have been using it for smoothies, not on it's own.  Today is protein shake day.  And the vanilla is YUMMY!  So, I am off the workouts for a few days, but by the weekend, I should be right back on track. 

#EYESONTHEPRIZE!!!

November Weigh in Day!

The results are in!!!

Age: 28 Years old
Height: 5'10

Weight: 209.4

Waist: 42

Hips: 45.5

Chest: 44.0

Right Arm: 13.0

Left Arm: 12.5

Right Thigh: 23.0

Left Thigh: 23.0

Neck:  14.0

Body Fat %: 40.5

Water %:  43.4

Muscle:  61.0

BMI:  29.7

Number of pounds lost: 0
Number of inches lost: 7.0
Percentage of Body Fat lost: Gained 1.40%
Goal: 170 pounds
Pounds left to Lose: 39.4

Okay - so there is good AND bad here.  I didn't lose any weight, but I did lose a total of 7 inches.  Now it's time to get back to business.  :)  ##FUCKINFOCUSED!!!

I got 99 problems...

Okay - So it is Day 99.  I still have not posted my November measurements/ weigh-in information.  This is not the only area I have been slacking off in.  I am severely disappointed in myself.  I promised myself that I would start to work out daily on the 1st.  It is the 7th, and I have done ONE workout.  I have been eating, and drinking, whatever in the hell I have wanted to.  I have not been keeping track of anything on MyFitnessPal.com.  I have not been drinking water.  And I have not been getting on the scale every day like I had been doing for the previous 99 days.  Maybe that is why when I got on the scale this morning, I realized I had put ON 4.5 pounds in just 7 days.

I am disgusted with myself.  This is something that I want SO bad.  But what?  I just want the weight to magically disappear?  Jillian Michaels yells at me during every workout (that I do) that this weight ain't gonna lose itself.  It takes work, and dedication.  What's worse is, I got so MANY compliments in the last week about how good I look.  SO DAMNNIT!!!  I am BACK ON THE WAGON.  

I literally got on the scale this morning, and that number I saw blinking back at me lit a fire under my ass.  Within 5 minutes, I had packed my lunch, and drank a 12 oz glass of water.  I did forget to grab my binder on the way out the door this morning, so the pictures and weigh in information will be posted on here TOMORROW.  I will be checking in daily.  I am over it, and I sure as hell am not putting ONE more pound back on.  I have 24 days to lose 14 pounds.  It's time to DO WORK.

So - Tomorrow is weigh in day - and it ain't gonna be pretty.   I know I have not met my goal for this month - but I am excusing myself.  Between being sick, and Dad's heart attack - I am lucky I didn't gain any weight this month.

But that is tomorrow's post. 

I was transferring some pictures from my computer to my external hard-drive, so I can print some pictures out, and I came across a picture I mentioned in one of my first posts.  The picture of me looking 9 months prego with Dana on Easter of this year.  I decided I would post it today - as incentive.  So I can look at it, and know that if I don't get back on my game ASAP... I am going to turn into the fat ass in the picture again.  Please, taunt me.  It's grotesque.  And Scary.  And on that note, HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Struggling

I am seriously struggling.  I had heard about plateus - but damn!  I am still sitting where I was at the weigh in at the beginning of the month.  I have not lost a pound.  I am not doing anything different.  I am still eating right.  I started Jillian again.  I have been using myfitnesspal.com for a while now.  I still track my food everyday - every snack - every meal.  I track my exercises.  When I hit my goal on my weigh in at the beginning of the month - the website prompted me to update my fitness goals.  My weight had changed so much, that if I kept eating the same amount of calories/fat/etc - I would not lose any weight.  So it recalculated.  I lost about 250 calories a day - the rest went down too, but I am not sure by how much.  I have stuck to the new calorie count.  And NOTHING.  I am so discouraged, I am ready to give up.  But that is the old me.  That is the Fat, Lazy Becky talking.  That is the Becky that would eat a whole bag of Doritos because she was sad, or stressed, or for god's sake, was just bored.  I got away from her.  I didn't like her then, and I am sure I would detest her even more now. 

So here is what I am going to do.  It's time for a change - well, a few changes.  First, I am going to do the Fruit flush again.  It helped to kickstart me the first round, why not give it a shot again?  Second, I am stepping up to the next level on my Jillian tapes.  Maybe some different exercises will help.  Third - I need to cut out the carbs.  I love carbs.  I could literally live on bread and pasta - but I am sure that is why I look and feel the way I do.  Gotta go.  Fourth - I need to start writing here again every day.  When I kept up with this, I was succeeding.  I was proud, and had something to write everyday.  I have noticed that my posts on here have REALLY fell off, especially since Oct 1st.

I am embarassed of my stalling out.  I can't explain it.  I really don't know why, and it's frustrating.  It's hard to get on here an say "Hey!  I ate everything I was supposed to, and drank all my water, and Jillian Kicked my ass - and guess what?!?!  I still weigh the same damn thing!!!"  I feel like a failure.  And I don't want to feel like that.  I want to prove to myself more than anyone else that I CAN do this.  I think about this stuff all the time.  I just don't write, because no one ever reads this but me.  And I know this, because I have a handy little tracker on my home page that tells me how many views I get each day, and where they come from.  No one has even looked at my weigh in from Oct.1st.  When I started this, I asked for support.  I asked for my girls to help keep me on track.  Krista is the only one that ever even asks me how it's going.  No calls, no posts, no texts - no support.  And before anyone reads this and gets offended - let me say this.  I understand everyone is busy.  I know everyone has lives, and families, and friends, and jobs, and cleaning and cooking, and showers to take and everything.  TRUST ME, I am aware.  I was just trying to explain why I don't post as much.  I just had the thought that, If I am the only one reading this - then what's the point.  I know what is in my head, what my thoughts and dreams are - without writing it down here.  So - Why write? 

The answer I came up with?  I didn't.  I don't know why I continue.  But I am. 

So - See ya tomorrow.

Brick walls hurt.

How does one hit a wall soooo quickly?  So here's the skinny.  As you guys know, I weigh myself on a daily basis.  I wake up, I go to the bathroom, I get on the scale.  Every day.  Never changes.  Including the number on the scale. 

Since I weighed in on the first, I have gone up to 211.  And stayed there.  Every day.  The ounces vary from day to day, but not that 211.  It won't move.  How have I hit a plateau this early in the game?  I have not changed my eating habits.  I am doing the same amount of exercise.  And here we are, 13 days into the month (I should be down to 206 by now) - and I have gotten NOWHERE.  In fact, I gained a pound and a half, and decided to stay there. 

I was not planning on working out until November - but I feel now that if I don't get to it, I am going to pay for it later.  I know how I am.  I will keep my goals the same for next month.  So if I don't lose the 10 lbs this month, I will try to lose 20 next month to keep on track.  And that means not being healthy.  And I don't want that. 

I just don't understand how my body would just quit working and doing what it has been doing.

God love Heather Jo and her quotes. 

"The brick walls are there for a reason. The brick walls are not there to keep us out; the brick walls are there to give us a chance to show how badly we want something. The brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough. They are there to stop the other people!"

#NotHavinIt. 

Weigh In Day!

The results are in!!!

Age: 28 Years old
Height: 5'10

Weight: 209.4

Waist: 43

Hips: 46.5

Chest: 44.5

Right Arm: 13

Left Arm: 12.5

Right Thigh: 25

Left Thigh: 24

Neck:  14.5

Body Fat %: 39.1

Water %:  44.4

Muscle:  63.8

BMI:  29.8

Number of pounds lost: 10.8
Number of inches lost: 2.75
Percentage of Body Fat lost: 4.4%
Goal: 170 pounds
Pounds left to Lose: 39.4



I did it!!!  I lost the 10 Lbs I wanted to, and then some!  I did not see the inches fall away like I would have liked to, but thats what I get for not working out religously.  Note to self.  There are a few other things that I keep track of in MY record that I think I am going to start adding to this chart.  Not only did I lose 10.8 Lbs, I also lost a few BMI points.  I came in at 29.8 - and for the first time since probably 2002-2003, I am out of the "obese category"!  According to medical standards, now I am just overweight!!!  I gained 4.4 pounds of muscle, and lost a lot of PURE FAT!  Oh - and this months pictures are coming soon!!! 

So, just so I can write this down some where, as of this weigh in, I have met 34% of my weight loss goals!!!  :)

Flemming Flames

I am super extra frustrated today.  As I have mentioned MANY times before, I weigh myself on an almost daily basis.  Two days ago, I was at 211.2.  I weighed myself yesterday - and it was more.  I weighed myself again today, and I am up to 214.6.  I know that your weight fluctuates on a daily basis based on waterweight, sodium content, etc.  However - this really makes me mad.  I have put on over 3 lbs in just two days.  I have not been eating bad - in fact I have been doing really well.  I know I should be starting soon, so I am wondering if maybe my body is already retaining water.  All I know is, I have to post my 2nd month results on Saturday morning.  And something better give by then.  I had one pound to lose with one week to go.  Now my goal seems almost unattainable. 

Guess we will just have to wait and see

What do I want more?

Well, we are just a few days away from my second weigh in!!!  I can't wait to see the results.  I weigh myself pretty much everyday - but I really want to make sure I meet my goals each and every month.  Staying on track is going to be a lot easier if I am getting the results I want. 

I have been doing well on my diet.  I have not really deprived myself of anything.  If I really want something I eat it.  I don't pass on Pizza, or KFC for dinner at Mom's - I just eat more of the good stuff than the bad.  Load up on the salad, not the bread sticks.  Go for the green beans, and get a smaller piece of chicken.  Get grilled instead of fried.  Use fat free milk and cheese when cooking.  Snacks?  No more chips and dips - its fruit or veggies.  AND I WATCH MY PORTIONS.   I still drink between 80-100 ounces of water a day.  I have not had a soft drink since August 1st.  I did take a sip of a MT. Dew once, and it tasted like Sprite, and burned my throat.  Not planning on doing that again.  And if something is REALLY tempting, like a cookie, or a donut, I ask myself one question.  What do I want more - the cookie, or my bikini body?  Yep.  I come up with the same answer you just did.  BIKINI!

I have started to notice the weight loss.  I have noticed I have more shape in my butt, hips and thighs, they are becoming more defined.  My face is thinning out, and my belly is flatter than it used to be.  No more muffin top for me.  I have been able to wear two different pairs of jeans that I have not been able to put on in years.  AND they are COZY!  No welts or redmarks for this former fat kid.  And - I have NO MORE "fat jeans" - those don't even fit anymore.  :) 

Last night was an eye opener.  When I started this, I want to remind you, I weighed in at 230.  Matt got on the scale last night in front of my.  He only weighs 220.  Really?  I outweighed him by 10 pounds!!!  Who actually weighs MORE than their boyfriend?!?!  Fatty?  Party of one?  Right here.  Wellllll - NOT ANYMORE!!!  :)

I have stuck to my diet.  The working out part has been harder - but as I noted in an earlier post, all that will change come November 1st.  I also read somewhere that it takes 90 days to either make, or break, a habit.  The eating right thing I already have down - but I now have another goal.  If, in November, when I start working out all the time, I can stay on a routine for 90 days - I will know that I have made an ACTUAL lifestyle change.  Kinda gives a new meaning to a New Years Resolution, HUH? 

I am a happy girl.  See you at the weigh in!  :)  :)

Busy Bee

I have changed my mind again.  And maybe I am making excuses again, but here we go. 

I am not going to force myself to work out - YET. 

I am just too damn busy!  Most days, I get up at 5:00am, and don't sit down for the first time until 9 or 10 at night.  We are constantly on the go.  With both kids in Soccer this year, most weeks we have soccer 6 out of 7 days.  Madie has two practices, Nathan has one, they each have a game, sometimes, Madie has two games a week.  Between being a soccer mom, and working, there is BARELY enough time to do the dishes, laundry, make dinner, feed and walk the dog, give the kids baths, etc. - before I fall into bed Exhausted at 12.  I get 4 1/2 - 5 hours of sleep a night, and get up and do it all over again.  And that's not healthy either. 

I am still losing weight, which is a good thing.  What I have been doing is keeping track of how many calories I burn doing everyday things - folding laundry, doing the dishes, cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, etc.  Myfitnesspal.com lets me keep track of EVERYTHING.  Even sex.  :)  I already have my calorie count and fat count established for each day, so as long as I still eat healthy, and stay under my calorie goal for the day - I am doing fine, and I am right on track. 

So here's the new plan - hold off on working out until Soccer season is OVER.  Which will be in November.  That way - I will have the extra time because we will be home instead of at the soccer fields every night.  Plus, that will be the begininng of eating season, so it will be a good time to kick it up a notch.  In the meantime - I will work out when I can.  If I have a night when Matt's at work, and the kids are at Donna's, or if soccer is cancelled, I will pop it in and work it out.  But I am not going to beat myself up for missing it anymore. 

As for my progress so far -again, I am right where I want to be.  And other people have really starting noticing.  Matt tells me all the time that he notices in places that only him and I see.  The other night, he went on for about 20 minutes about my ass.  That was a really good feeling.  I felt like a model or something.  My coworkers have told me my face is thinner and my clothes are fitting better.  I saw my mom on Saturday, and she told me I was getting my shape back - I was looking more like an hourglass than a pear.  :)  Talk about motiviation!!!  :)

So, that's where I stand.  I have 13 days until my next weigh-in and picture posting.  And I only have 4 pounds to lose...  :)

Ugh.

What a week it was.  I don't think I have ever been as sick as I was last week.  I had a horrible sinus infection.  My face was swollen, the pressure in my head was causing ear aches, I was congested, had NO appetite, no energy, and no sleep.  I felt a little better on Saturday, and I am getting better every day.  I am still congested, and sneezing - but those are just my allergies.  I called my Dr. today to see about getting put on a full time allergy medicine.  I am over the sinus infections.  I am over the runny/stuffy nose.  I am over sneezing.  But, I am feeling better. 

Now last week, there was a workout on Monday - and that was it.  I layed with a box of tissues in my chair the rest of the week.  I am down to 214.8 after last week - but it's not always going to be like that.  I really have to commit.  I really have to start working out EVERY DAY.  I really need to get into the routine of doing it every day.  I told myself this before, but I guess I couldn't get it through my head.  I deserve 30 minutes a day to try to make myself the person I want to be.  I need to make sure I take that time EVERY DAY. 

So - guess what I am doing when I get home from work...  :0)

Spec-freakin-tacular.

Okay - so here's where we're at this week... I am exhausted. I have been really sick this week. I felt it coming on a little on Sunday, Monday was the first day I felt REALLY bad, and by Wednesday, I was at the Drs. I have ANOTHER severe sinus infection. Super fun. My doctor told me if it happens again, I get to go through an endoscopy. Yay.

My whole face hurts, and the pressure in my head caused my first headache since I kicked my caffiene habbit. Not to mention, the pressure it's putting on my ears makes it feel like I have a double ear infection. My nasal spray is causing nose bleeds, and I have had NO appetite for anything. I literally ate 3 grapes, and a glass of water all day yesterday. I have been on antibiotics, steroids, sudafed, and tylenol. I was so wired from all the drugs, I got two hours of sleep on Wednesday. I took the day off Thursday, but was never able to get back to sleep. All day. Then I started. Aunt flo shows up at the MOST INOPORTUNE times!!!

I finally drugged myself to sleep last night, but that only lasted about 3 hours, until I woke up and wasn't able to breathe. I did have to come into work today. I have forced about 3/4 of a yogurt down my throat. I am working on it.... I did weigh myself this morning out of curiosity, and I had lost 3 lbs since Sunday. Wonder if there is any chance that will stay off once I get my appetite back...?

So that's why I have not posted in a few days. I'm sick. I'm not eating. I'm not drinking. I'm certainly not exercising. I'm boring. I will post again when I have something more interesting to say.

Results!!!

The results are in!!!

Age: 28 Years old

Height: 5'10

Weight: 220.2

Waist: 44.5

Hips: 47

Chest: 45

Right Arm: 13

Left Arm: 12.5

Right Thigh: 25.25

Left Thigh: 24

Neck:  15.5

Body Fat %: 43.5

Water %:  41.2

Muscle:  59.4

BMI:  31.1

Number of pounds lost: 9.8

Number of inches lost: 12.25

% of Body Fat lost: 2.10%

Goal: 170 pounds
Pounds left to Lose: 50.2



So, I cam in 2 OUNCES more than I wanted to.  I am blaming it on Dana for feeding me Pizza the other night.  LOL - I'm just kidding.  I am actually happy with the results.  I weighed myself every day, and it fluctuates every day.  When I got on the scale yesterday morning - it said 220.2.  Today it said 218.7.  So, as long as I am close to the mark, I am happy.  :)  Plus, I lost a total of 12 INCHES off of my body!  I think that is AMAZING!!!  Not so happy about the loss in the boobs, but in my waist and my thighs... MY GOD!!!  Jillian is AMAZING!!!  I can't wait to see what next month's weigh in brings.  :

Kind of excited....

So today is the last day of my first month of my new, healthier lifestyle. And it's my anniversary. :) I was so lucky to meet Matt 3 years ago. I used to say he was the man of my dreams, but I have come to realize that he is much more than that. He is the dream I never could have imagined. He is my best friend, my soul mate, my confidant, and my number one supporter. I could not do what I am doing without him. I am absolutely blessed. So, tomorrow is the first weigh in... Measurements and all! It's gonna be an exciting day - so STAY TUNED!

Trying to stay positive....

I ask myself all the time why I continue this blog. I'm the only one that reads it. When I first started this blog last year, I thought it would be a great way for my friends to help me and encourage me on this journey. It was an outlet, and a way for me to keep in touch with my friends, and let them know what was going on in my life. I got frustrated at one point last year, and posted about it, and that was really the beginning of the end. That is, until I decided to begin again this year.

When I came back to the blog, they had done a lot of updates, and added a lot of features for the bloggers. One of those features is a tool they call the Page Counter. It lets you know how many times your pages have been viewed. I was really excited when I first started, because with the first post, I got 22 views. But the next day it was one. And the day after that was one. And eventually that one person stopped visiting. The last post that someone besides me has seen on this was August 15th. It's been over two weeks. At first, I was really upset about that. I realize that everyone else has lives, and are just as busy as I am, if not busier. I know I am not at the top of the priority list in everyone's daily lives. I don't expect to be. But to be honest, to see that not one person of the group I invited to share this with had not even checked on me once in two weeks... it was a little disheartening.

But then, I really started to think about it. I am not doing this for my friends. This is for, and about me. I put myself out there. I was honest, and forthcoming. I censored some things I wanted to say, because I didn't want to upset or offend anyone. And now that I know that no one else is reading this, then who gives a flying fuck? RIGHT?!?! Right. The fact is, I am doing me. I am doing this for me. I am doing this for my family. And my family has been super supportive. Matt has been amazing. He tells me everyday how good I look, and how proud he is of me. When I am tempted, he tells me I don't need it. When I still want it, he asks me what do I want more? Madison tries to help. If I am being lazy, she offers to work out with me. Mama C tries to make good food for me when we have Sunday dinner's at her house. My stamina and endurance get better with every workout. My clothes fit better. I get out in the yard and play with the kids. I am teaching my kids better eating habits, and better routines. NO Disney Channel!!! Let's go play soccer! You be goalie first! Ready... one two three... go!

My entire life, I have needed everyone's approval. As a kid, it was hard to get recognition from my parents for what I had done, because my other sibilings had already done everything. I think that has molded me into the way I am now. I am constantly seeking approval. From my Parents, my siblings, my friends, my co-workers, everyone. Well, a lot of that shit went out the window last week. Regardless of how other people feel about me, I like who I am. I know I have made mistakes, but I think I have learned and grown from those mistakes. I think that with everything I have been through, I have turned into a damn good person. I am faithful, loyal, loving, caring, honest and true. I go out of my way to make other people happy. I work my ass off to try to get the things I want. I try to raise my kids to be respectful, honest, good people. If someone is good to me, I am good to them.

In the last week, I have learned a few things. I have learned that family is not determined by your blood stream. Because even though I am the youngest of 4 children, and have been for 28 years - this week I became an only child. My parents still have 4 kids, but that does not mean they are my family. I love my Mom and my Dad to pieces. They are amazing people, and amazing parents. They ARE my family. Matt, the kids, his parents, Dana and Bells and David and the boys? They ARE my family. HoJ and Steph and Krista and Caroline? They ARE family. Shellie is NOT family. Mary is NOT family. And Mike, I don't think he even knows who I am anymore.

People come in and out of your life all the time, for different reasons, and you pick up things along the way. Some teach you how to be a better person. Some teach you exactly the kind of person you DON'T want to be. Some teach you things about yourself you never knew. For me, I have learned (so far) that I have an amazing grab-bag family; that I want to be the kind of person my parents raised me to be; I know love, I know empathy, I care about right from wrong, I am honest, I am introspective, and my apologies are heartfelt; that I do not want to live my life as a jealous, insecure, person; that I don't need everyone's approval all the time; that I am capable of making adult decisions on my own; that I am better at writing than I am at speaking; and while I don't need everyone to follow my every move on this blog, I do have to document everything. It keeps me on track, and keeps me focused. So, if by some chance someone else besides me is reading this, please don't take offense. I am actually letting go of it. I don't want to make people feel bad for not getting on here. It was never really about that anyway - I thought it was, and maybe it started out that way. But it's certainly not that way now. This is a place for me to become the person I want to be, inside and out. And I am getting there.

Everyday I'm Hustlin. :)

I feel it starting to slip....

It has been a rough week for me. Maybe they are excuses, and maybe they are valid reasons, but I am not doing what I should be doing. So here's a quick run-down. Monday was great, Tuesday was crazy and busy with work, and Soccer pictures, and Madie being sick. I didn't work out at all. Wednesday, I took the day off and went and saw my Mom, because she had a heart attack. Shellie was supposed to tell all of us, but she is mad at me for God knows what, and decided that Mom being in the hospital is not a good enough reason to let me know what is going on. I did work out that night, and then swam for about an hour and a half. That night, on the way to bed, I tripped over my damnned hand weights and broke TWO of my toes. I did NOT workout yesterday, as I could barely walk. And unless I am working out at 11 tonight, I am not going to get it done today. Brian and Laura had Jameson this week, and we are going to their house for a cookout tonight to welcome Jameson home. I need to get down to business, and really focus. My first weigh in is next Thursday. I want to make sure I am still losing, and not putting the lbs back on before I get on that scale, and get out the measuring tape next week. EEK!

I hate her.

Nah, I'm just kidding! She is tough, but she is gonna get the job done on my fat ass! I don't think I have done push ups or jumping jacks since high school. Hell, maybe grade school. I am going to stay on the Low Impact Level 1, until I can get through it without dying. Then we (Jillian and I) will progress to High Impact Level 1. Once that is mastered, we will move to Level 2, low to high, then 3 and so on. 30 days my fat ass! This is going to be like a 90 insanity workout for me - and I am stoked. The way I look at it is, if I take my time, and master each level, I will really be in GOOD shape by the time I am doing the High Impact level 3. By that time, my body is probably going to be mother-fuckering me, and will decide that this is a good place to plataue. So I will need to change workouts ANYWAYS - and I will be in good shape from Jillian kicking my ass, and I will be ready for either Insanity or P90x. Come hell, or high water, I WILL be in a damn bikini next summer.

Oh. My. God.

Sorry I didn't post the results over the weekend... It was SO BUSY!!! When I first began the Fruit Flush last Monday, I weighed in at 226.8. When I weighed on on Thursday morning, I weighed in at.... Dun da da DAAAAA..... 219.3!!! I lost 7.5 pounds in just 3 days!!! That also puts me over my 10 pound goal for the month of August! Now granted, a lot of that was water weight, so I am not sure how fast it will all come back on - or if it will. But it is MOTIVATING!!! I was so excited to see that number when I got on the scale! Like I said earlier, this weekend was crazy! We had soccer stuff to do Saturday morning. Stephanie and I went to Columbus to see Britney Spears on Saturday night. Now, this did pose a bit of a problem. There was a lot of alchol consumed, so there were a lot of extra calories there. I had subway for dinner - I could have picked a healthier sandwich, but I didn't. I said light mayo, and she covered it. But at least it wasn't a Big Mac and Supersized Fries with a Sweet Tea. Then I danced my ASS off all night!!! So maybe I burned some of those beer calories there. ;) On Sunday, we went to Waffle House on the way home, and I got plain hashbrowns and a Sausage, egg and cheese wrap. I could have done a lot worse there too. I know it's not ideal, or the best in the world, but I didn't say I was going to starve myself. I wanted to make healthier choices, and I think I did that this weekend. Today - Jillian Michaels and I will meet for the first time. I am scared of her. She looks mean, even on the cover. I have the feeling I am going to cuss her out tonight. And since today begins the workout portion of my healthier lifestyle, it is a perfect day to add the pictures I am sure you all are dying to see. I have really been putting this off. I am very embarassed about these photos. Hopefully, it will be the last time anyone ever sees me like this.

Fruit Flush Update....

Welllllll - There is not a whole lot of news to report.  I have followed the Fruit Flush Diet VERY closely.  I have completely stuck to it - and actually kind of like it.  Besides being in the bathroom every 5 minutes - thank you H2O, its really good.  I love the shakes, the fruit has been really good (minus the mango - that was a bad experience), and I have not felt hungry at all!  Eating the fruit every two hours is enough to keep me satisfied.  I have had a horrible headache for the last two days - but I am sure that is just my body going through withdraws.  The cravings for bad foods have pretty much disappeared.  I have seen some really amazing results - but I don't want to spoil the surprise.  That, I will save for tomorrows post.  :)  I think for the very first time in my life, I am excited to get on the scale tomorrow!!!

And I promise, I am going to post the pictures!

Another Weekend Update

Ahhhhh - where to begin?  It's been a long couple of days.  I was sick as hell on Friday and ended up leaving work early.  We got the kids back on Friday night.  Saturday, I felt much better.  I guess I just had one of those 24 hour bugs or something.  We took the kids to Kings Island for the day, stopped by another park on the way home, and had family movie night.  We packed our lunches at KI, so that was good, but that was all I ate that day, so not so good.   Sunday I did stuff around the house, went grocery shopping, and went to the in-laws for dinner.  Homemade pizza!  Which was actually pretty good!  Mary made one for us, since we are both dieting.  We had a whole wheat crust, brushed in olive oil, with fresh mozerella cheese, yellow squash, and something else - but it was SO GOOD!  Plus, throw in a big old salad, and dinner was de-lish.  :)  I did slack though.  I did not keep my food diary this weekend.  I didn't eat when I was supposed to.  I skipped breakfast, and was eating WAY late.  But that is OKAY - because I am right on track for where I am supposed to be for the month!  And today - it really begins.

Today starts the fruit flush.  Today I get no food until dinner.  I know, it sounds awful!  LOL  I get a protein shake every two hours from 8 to 4.  I have to drink 8-12oz of water after each shake.  Then tonight, I get a huge salad with any kind of veggies I want, plus lemon juice and olive oil for the dressing.  I bought the protein powder yesterday, but I still have not tried it, so this should be interesting.  Hopefully I can swallow the stuff.  It's a chocolate powder that you can mix with water or skim milk.  I am going with the milk.  Chocolate and water just don't sound right together. 

From everything I read, it sounds like you can lose 8-10 pounds during this 3 day flush.  Now, that is not 10 pounds of fat, by any means.  It is mostly water weight, but you will lose some weight by getting rid of the extra waste that I am getting out of my system.  So I wanted to see how much I lost from the fruit flush alone - so I weighed in first thing this morning. I am only going to list the stats that my scale gives me, because I didn't do all the measurements. 

Weight:  226.8
Water %:  39.7
Muscle Lbs:  58.2
Body Fat %:  45.6
BMI:  32.1

Checking in...

I feel like crap today.  I thought I had eaten something bad.  Then, Sandra, one of my co-workers, reminded me that she and Carrie have both had a stomache bug this week.  So yay.  This should be a fun filled Friday.  I am actually trying to get all of my work done so I can leave early today.  So this will be short and sweet.

It's payday, so that means I can get all my stuff this weekend.  I am going on a shopping trip tomorrow to get the stuff for the Fruit Flush.  I will start the Fruit Flush on Monday morning.  I am also going to finally pick up my copy of the Jillian Michaels 30 day shred.  They don't carry it in the stores around me like Walmart, Meijer or Target.  You can order it online, but Walmart wanted up until August 26th to get it to me.  No thank you.  The BestBuy in Dayton has it, so I called the store.  They are going to hold it for me until I can get there tomorrow to pick it up.  So once the Fruit Flush is done, I will be ready to ROCK. 

I know it's not much, but just wanted to check in.   

UPDATE!

OMG!  So yesterday, I went out to lunch with my trainer from work.  We went to Max and Erma's.  I ordered this delicious Carribean Chicken.  It was Grilled chicken, with pinapple on top, served with rice and steamed broccoli.  And I got a side salad with a vinegrette dressing.  I tried to be smart and pick out something I thought was healthy, instead of my normal Buffalo chicken sandwhich with extra blue cheese and fries.

I think I would have done better with the Sandwich.  For the lunch size portion - which is what i ate, I took the rest home, for the salad and the chicken - 34g of Fat, 676 calories, 63.4g of Carbs and 28.2g of protein.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  FOR GRILLED CHICKEN?  WHAT IN THE HELL ELSE WAS ON THE TOP OF THAT CHICKEN BESIDES PINAPPLE?!?!? 

I am so freaking mad.  Guess what I packed for lunch today.  That's right.  My leftovers. 

MOTHER  F$^%$&!!!!!

Boring!

There is nothing really spectacular to report about yesterday.  I ate good all day, but did not work out.  I got home from work, made dinner, cleaned the kitchen and did some laundry.  Madie had soccer at 6, so Matt took her to practice while I spent an hour and a half playing with Nate.  She got home from practice, the kids took baths, and went to bed.  It was raining like hell, so no outside activity.  No inside workout - I didn't want the kids thinking there was an earth-quake because my fat ass was jumping up and down in the living room shaking the whole house. 

Tonight is going to be another crazy night.  Tonight is the first night of Soccer.  I am coaching Nates soccer team this fall.  So tonight I will get 45 minutes of running around the soccer field with (6) 4 year olds.  It should be interesting.  LOL So I have an hour from the time I get home to get changed, cook a healthy dinner, eat, and get to the soccer field.  It's definitely going to be a mad  dash. 

Other than that - I found a quote today that I loved - and thought it would be perfect to post here.  :)


Brick walls are there for a reason. They give us a chance to show how badly we want something

Weekend Update

It was a long weekend.  Donna ruined our plans for Friday night.  Matt worked on Saturday morning, then we spent the entire day cleaning the house for his Mom's birthday party.  We had his family over Saturday night for the party.  Sunday we slept in a bit - then he was gone, ALL DAY.  I finally saw him at 8 last night.  I feel like I didn't get to spend any time with him this weekend, and it was our weekend without the kids.  It was our weekend to have some "us" time, and that didn't happen.  I was in a HORRIBLE mood yesterday, and I am glad the damn weekend is over, and I am back to work today. 

I did pretty good on my diet over the weekend.  I did have a few glasses of lemonade at the party on Saturday.  I know I didn't drink nearly enough water, and I did have ONE small piece of dessert - but I made it, and it was strawberries, and light or fat free everything.  Still probably not the best, but it was better than the cookie cake that is still oh so temptingly sitting on my kitchen counter.   I did watch my portions, and stayed away from all the bad stuff. 

I have been eating a lot more slowly, and I think that is actually helping more than anything.  Plus, my food diary has been a big help.  One of the girls at work is doing the Atkins diet.  She recommended this calorie counter app for blackberry.  I downloaded it, and it IS pretty cool, but I think I will keep my food diary just the same.  I am excited for payday this week, so I can go get the Jillian Michaels DVD, and the protein powder. 

My goal here is to lose 10 lbs a month.  I will do a monthly weigh in on the blog, and update not just my weight, but all of my measurements too.  That being said, I got on the scale this morning, since it has been a week - and I was EXCITED!!!  Hopefully I can keep this momentum up until weigh in day!!!

Damnnit!

You guessed it. I forgot to post the damn pictures! LOL I swear I took them - We were jut so busy last night... I forgot. I got home from work, went and picked up the kids, came home, made dinner (a healthy one), got ready for Madie's soccer practice, took Madie to soccer practice, went to meijer to pick up cupcakes, took cupcakes to Matt's Moms so the kids could sing happy birthday, came home, gave Nathan a bath, got the kids to bed, and then, I got to sit down. I forgot the damn pictures. LOL


I will admit, the only exercise I got last night was running around the soccer field with Madie for about 10 minutes before practice started. But I ate great yesterday - I stayed right within my limits for my food diary. I even skipped Mama C's birthday cupcake. However, I didn't even come close to the amount of protein I am supposed to be getting. I understand now why you are supposed to take a protein supplement. I am going to have to get on that ASAP!!!

After reading through some of my past posts, I have decided to cut out writing down exactly what I eat everyday - that has got to be boring for you guys to read. Sorry about that.

I did want to tell you guys one thing today though. I think I am already detoxing! I have not had a craving for chips, or sweets, or a hamburger or anything! The food I picked at the grocery store this week has been really good! I thought turning down that cupcake last night was going to be really hard. It wasn't.

"The Force is strong in this one". =) I'm so a Jedi.

Support

Matt told me he's made some good choices too. He had a salad and chicken wrap for lunch, and didn't buy a single Mt. Dew! God love him, he really is trying. It makes my heart all warm and fuzzy. :)

I also decided that in addition to this blog, I am keeping a binder of all my stuff. A little side note about me here, if you don't already know; I tend to follow through on things way more if I am organized. :) So, I spent a lot of time yesterday on my lunch and on my breaks doing research. I figured out that based on all of my stats, height, weight, etc., that in order to lose 3 lbs a week, I need to work out 3-5 days a week, and consume NO MORE than 42g of Fat, 1200 Calories, 174g of Carbs, and between 184g and 230g of Protein. So then that let me to creating a food diary, so I know exactly what I am putting in my body every day. That led to printing out a bunch of nutritional information on everything from fruit, to dairy to fish. Thank you FDA website, you were very helpful in my quest. Then I have some other stuff, like my weight tracker, recipes, explanations of the Fruit Flush Diet, and how all of these things are going to make me a smoking hot mama!. 
 
And, on the inside of the cover - I have two things.  One is a pros/cons list of being healthy vs. being fat.  I was pretty impressed with my responses on that.  Then I also have a picure of me at my skinniest - so I have something to remind me everyday of what I want to be, and what I want to achieve. 
 
I don't think I have EVER been this excited about a diet.  ##FUCKINFOCUSED!!!! 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=6Vx4J_NtNPk

Decisions, Decisions....

So, it's Day 3, but not really.  Geeze!  I should have planned this out a little better.  I have changed my mind, yet again, but I think this is for the better...  I have got a lot to talk about today, and it's probably going to be long, because I tend to ramble... so hang with me!  :) 

First things first....

I am astonished by some of the responses I have gotten to this blog.  Everyone has been responding on FB.  Some comments I have seen during work, and some have come through on my phone.  Some I did not even see until yesterday - because my phone is a piece of crap.  I deleted the notifications on my blackberry, and it
actually DELETED the message and all of the responses!  So, number one, could someone respond, again, to the message I sent, so I can retrieve all of that information?  Please and thanks...

Number two - you guys have made me feel very humble.  As I was reading some of the responses I have gotten last night, I was in tears.  Matt asked me what was wrong with me - I said "Nothing is wrong.  I have got the best friends anyone could ever ask for."  The love and support that I get from you guys is very humbling - especially when I go back and read some of the stuff I posted on this very blog last year.  I am TRULY thankful for all of my girls.  I never knew that I was seen as a strong person.  Some of what has been said has caught me off guard - and I'm thinking - "Who are THEY talking about?"  I never set out to be a motivator, or an inspiration.  I just didn't (and don't) want to be fat anymore.  But I love that other people are thinking about their health too. So, for those of you getting ready to start your own journeys...  feel free to share with me what you are up to too!!!  It's a hell of a lot easier to do something like this when you know you are not alone. 

Alright, enough of the lovey-dovey crap.  Lets get down to business.  :)

So on the way home from work yesterday, I talked to everyone's favorite HOJ (that would be Heather Jo, for those of you that don't know all 87 of her nicknames).  Now, HoJ is like, my little personal fitness guru.  She has got an amazing story herself.  She has lost a lot of weight - and did it the right way.  Eating right, and exercising.  No magic pills - no starvation diets.  Just hard work. 

One of the things I asked her about was a detox.  I have read about these, and how it is really the best way to start when you are begining a long term fitness regimin.  She recommended one - and I decided to do some research.  And after all was said and done - I picked a detox.  The exact one HoJ had recommended.  The 3 Day Fruit Flush.  This particular detox literally flushes your system of all of the impurities and toxins inside your body.  And by the time the detox is over, it has washed away your cravings for all of the junk too.  It is a balance of protein shakes, fruits, water, and veggies.  The only problem with this is, I don't have the protein mix.  I need to go buy some, which will have to wait until I get paid again.  I know it is not that expensive, but a budget is a budget, and damnit - I am sticking to that too! 

Then, I have been thinking about what workout I want to do.  I have gone back and forth trying to decide between P90x, and Insanity.  And if I am really honest with myself, I don't believe I am physically ready for either of them.  I have done Turbo Jam in the past - and that is what I was thinking for this first 30 days too but, I kinda feel like I need a fresh start.  I think that is why I was looking into P90x and Insanity to begin with.  So here comes Heather again.  She gives me a great idea yesterday.  Jillian Michaels. 

Jillian Michaels is the trainer from The Biggest Loser (this is already sounding right up my alley).  She does a 20 minute interval training.  20 minutes?!?!  I can certainly fit THAT into my cRaZy schedule.  So what do I do?  Research.  Duh.  Turns out Interval training is the BEST thing you can do to lose weight.  This workout by Jillian, called the 30 Day Shred, is 3 rounds of 3-2-1 interval training.  3 minutes of strength training, 2 minutes of cardio, and 1 minute of abs.  And the best part?  It is $9.98 at Walmart.  =D  Super happy face. 

So there are some good things, and some bad things here.  The good news is, I have a plan.  The bad news is, I can't start my plan yet.  rawr!!!  Turns out, part of the Fruit Flush is that you are not supposed to work out while doing it.  Because it is SO low calorie, it's not healthy to work out while doing the detox.  And my focus here is not just losing weight, but making a change, and living a HEALTHY life.  So, until I can get the stuff to make my protein shakes, I am kind of on hold.  However, I am continuing to eat right, drink right, and exercise.

Yesterday, I drank all the water I was supposed to.  I went to the grocery and bought organic FRESH fruit and veggies.  I got things like tuna, salmon, lean chicken, nuts (almonds, god love em), yougurt, whole grain pasta and bread.  I was actually kinda proud of my cart.  No junk.  No chips.  No cookies.  No high sugar cereals.  NO MOUNTAIN DEW!!!  When you mix good, healthy foods, and the right portions (which has always been my biggest problem), it's a recipe for success.  =)  I ate before dark last night, and had no late night munchies (#Patsselfonback).  I also swam with the kids last night, after doing laps until I thought my arms were going to fall off.

So even without Turbo Jam, I still ate right, and exercised last night.  I am excited about my new plan.  And the way I look at it, by the time I actually start the 30 day shred, I will have already started eating right, getting used to exercising every night, and maybe have already lost a few pounds. 

My eyes are on the prize.  And for this fat kid, the prize ain't cake.  It's being proud of myself, who I am, the goals I have set and accomplished.  And maybe wearing lingerie with the lights ON.  =/  Maybe. 

Oh - and one more thing.  I took the "before" pictures last night.  It's not pretty.  I am pale and fat and ugh.  Just HORRIBLE pictures.  But that is part of this.  The person who was photographed last night is now in the past.  But I am posting them on here - tonight.  So be ready.  Have your vomit buckets ready.  And say goodbye to the fatty in the pictures, because it is the LAST time you will see her. 

Seriously, I'm Blushing.

First off, I wanted to say thank you for the overwhelming support I have received from my girls - cross country.  I don't think anyone has better friends than I do.  Thanks for all of the emails, comments, and encouragement.

Now, last night did not go as planned.  EEK - I know, I know. 

Matt called about 5 minutes before I left work and told me we had been invited to go down on the river on our friends boat.  We haven't seen them all summer, and she is pregnant, and due in 3 weeks.  Come on... I mean, a boat, on the water, on a perfect day, with my girl I haven't seen all summer?  How could I say no?  So, I went on the boat.  And drank beer.  All day.  And didn't exercise, and didn't grocery shop, and well... didn't eat.

So yesterday was bad.  And I have no excuses.  I am glad I did it - and now I can really start today.  :)  But it wasn't ALL bad.  Yesterday, I DID drink my 8, 8oz servings of water.  I DID leave the Mt. Dew alone.  I DID eat breakfast, have hard boiled eggs with no yolk for a snack, and an orange for a snack too.  I did NOT (hanging my head) eat lunch. 

And today, I have had pretzels and water.  That's it.  I KNOW!  Not healthy to eat that little, but I REFUSE to go eat at a fast food place, and since I didn't get to the grocery last night, I had nothing to pack for lunch today.  I am going to the grocery tonight, so I can make Matt and I a healthy dinner.  Then my Turbo Jam workout, and a bike ride with Matt, Swimming with the kids and cleaning.  Today, I am going home, and I am going to get active, and stay active!  And while that won't make up for yesterday, I think that's a pretty damn good plan for TODAY. 

Oh - AND, I am taking my "before pictures tonight".  I will warn you - my stomache is pale (one piece swim suit all summer) and large.  So no, it's not the moon, that is me.  Just try not to throw up.  But, if you do, tell me about it.  I think that would be pretty good incentive to stay on my mission.  ;)

It's Go Time, Bitches!

For those of you who are reading this blog for the first time, let me explain. Last year I realized I was fat, and decided I didn’t want to be fat anymore. Not a whole lot has changed. I started this blog last year so my not so close to home bestie best twinkie friends could keep my fat ass on track. And it worked. For a while. And then I lost my job which catapulted my decline back to exactly where I started. A fat ass.



I could come up with 100 excuses. It has been a rough year. I was unemployed from May until the end of August. Matt and I broke up in August. I moved back in with my parents. I got a new job. I traveled a lot. Matt and I got back together. I moved back home. I was stressed out. I got comfortable again. I thought the exercise I was getting working at the airport was enough. It was too cold to walk or run outside. It’s embarrassing to work out at home. I was too broke to join a gym. I could go on and on. Like I said, I could come up with 100 excuses. But this all falls on me. I gave up. I lost the ambition and the drive. I got lazy. And I have gained back every pound I lost. And I look ridiculous. And I’m over it.



I am finally in a place where I am happy. I am stable. I am in love with my VERY best friend. I have two amazing children. I have a good job that I truly enjoy. Not much can bother me these days.



Until it was time to find a dress to go to my college reunion. It was then that I noticed that the clothes I got back in September are getting just a little too tight. Until I saw the picture of Dana and I on Easter, and I literally looked 8 1/2 months pregnant (don’t worry, I’m gonna post the picture so you can see, I am not exaggerating). It’s pretty bad when I take pictures with my pregnant friends, and I am bigger than they are.

I am not going to re-type all the reasons I am doing this, because they have not changed, and they are all in the very first post I put up on this blog.



There is only one thing that needs to be added. Madie is going through the same thing I am. Her piece of shit third grade teacher made them do an “About Me” project in school. They had to say their name, where they lived, what their family was like, their hobbies, and their height and weight. And I don’t have a problem with that. What I do have a problem with is said teacher then hanging those projects on the wall for everyone in the classroom to see. And Madie weighs more than any of the other girls in her class. And they started teasing her. On top of it, her Mother does not help things.  She smacks Madie's tummy, and tells her to suck it in.  Donna told her once, that if she didn't work out all of the time, she was going to be fat - like me.  She is 9 years old, and she asked for control top panty hose for Easter. I catch her looking in the mirror, and sucking her tummy in. Granted, she is a little chubby - but she has really thinned out as she hit her growth spurt this summer.  She could lay off the junk food, and eat healthier. She could get off the couch, and get outside and play. This is why Matt and I have agreed to do this AS A FAMILY.



Matt confessed that he feels he is overweight too. We had a long talk last week about me, him, Madie, and even Nate. We decided we can’t tell Madie to do something we wouldn’t do. And Nate is still so young, we could really teach him the right way to eat and exercise. Matt and I both agreed, NO MORE JUNK IN THE HOUSE. No chips, no sweets, and NO MOUNTAIN DEW. We went to the store this weekend and bought all good, fresh food. We bought bottled water instead of pop. And we agreed to take a family walk every night. And right after dinner, Matt and the kids got on their bikes, and I grabbed the dog, and we all went out together. It was actually really nice.



The problem is, I am already finding myself making excuses. There is just not enough time in the day. I am nonstop from 5 am until 9 pm, and later on the nights the kids are with their mom. There is just not enough time in the day. This again, is where my beautiful friends come into play. YELL AT ME. I deserve to take an hour out of every day to spend on myself. I deserve 60 minutes to try to become the person I want to be. I need you guys to get on me. EVERY DAY. Have you exercised? Have you cheated on your diet? Put the pizza down fatty! I need this. I need your unconditional love, and support and toughness. I have seen every single one of you ladies go the hell OFF on someone, for some reason. I need you to do that to me when I deserve it. I need tough love. Pretty please with fat free whip cream on top.



Now, I know the stats are close. But regardless, this is day one. I am starting over. So here are the stats, and the pictures. Please. Call me fat. Tell me how gross I am. Tell me I better not ever wear that swimsuit out in public. And maybe someday I can write a post saying, this is my last post. I have reached my goal weight. I am posting pictures, and look how absolutely fabulous I look.



Below the stats, I am going to paste the very first post I wrote on here. I feel it is important. If you would like to read the others, feel free to go back and read them – but the first one is the one I care about.



Ready? Set? Be skinny.

Vitals

Okay, so some of this has changed since the first round... But not much.



Please. Feel free to call me fat.



Age: 28 Years old



Height: 5'10



Weight: 230



Waist: 46.5



Chest: 46.5



Right Arm: 13.5



Left Arm: 13.0



Right Thigh: 28.5



Left Thigh: 28.5



Body Fat %: 41.3


Neck:  16


Water %:  39.7


Muscle:  58.2


BMI:  32.1



Goal: 170 pounds
Pounds left to Lose: 60

Very First Post

Okay - so it's actually day 3, but I will get to that in a minute. Here it goes kids... I made this blog because I need my girls. I need your support and your love, and your famous abilities to kick my ass when I need it. And since I don't live two blocks from the watering hole anymore, I thought you gals could kick my ass via the Internet. I am trying to exercise every day, eat healthy (okay - eat better than I have been)and lose this weight you guys constantly hear me complaining about. I know you all think I am beautiful the way I am and blah freaking blah (I love you...)but you don't know how I feel. I am doing this because you guys are my true friends, and I know I can be honest with you.



I have struggled with my weight my whole life. I have always had a bad body image of myself. I hate that I can't run anymore - because I get too tired too fast. I hate that I get tired after playing in the yard for five minutes with the kids and the dog. I hate that I can't pick out a sexy bra and panty set to wear for Matt because they don't make them in my size. I am tired of crying in the dressing room. I hate that I don't want to go out, even with my girls, because I am jealous of how you guys look. You are all so skinny, and can wear clothes that are in style while my fat ass is trying to find something cute in the plus sized section at walmart. I could probably do the same shopping in the tent aisle at Dicks. I cried the last time I saw my mom, because I was wearing the same shirt as her. I am dressing like a 63 year old woman to try to hide myself. I want to take the kids to go swimming, and actually swim with them because I am not afraid to be seen in a bathing suit. I want to lay out by the pool with my girls, and have some drinks, and not be the only one in a one piece, and still have ROLLS hanging out everywhere. I am tired of people asking me how far along I am when I am most certainly not pregnant. I know I make jokes and laugh at my self, but I am constantly aware of how I am sitting, how I am standing. I see that when you guys stand up, you don't have the muffin top hanging over your jeans like I do. I try to stand in the back of the group when we all take pictures together so I can hide behind you all. My dad has had two heart attacks, and heart disease runs severely in my Dad's side of the family. Of the Seven Top Risk Factors for Heart Disease, I currently have 6. This is not just me being self conscious anymore. I am scared. I want to live a long long life with Matt. I want grand babies. I want to see my nieces and nephews have kids. I don't want to have heart attacks and have some doctor threaten me, that if I don't do something, I am going to die. I bitch to Matt all the time about this. And he tells me the same things you guys do. That he loves me, and he thinks I am beautiful, and if I say it again, he is going to smack me. But lately, he has just gotten to the point where he says "then do something about it!" But even that did not push me over the edge.



The other day I was getting ready for work, and only had one pair of jeans clean; My fat jeans. So I put them on and they felt a little tight, but I had just gotten them out of the dryer, so I thought they would loosen up during the day. I was wrong. They were so tight that when I sat down, they actually hurt my stomach. By the end of the day, they had left red marks and welts in my skin. I cried and cried in the bathroom. But, I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. That was what did it for me. I was depressed for days, but on Saturday night while I was cleaning, I found my old Turbo Jam stuff in my closet. You guys remember the infomercial for that? Well I got it all out and started working out on Sunday. I know it's only Tuesday, but I feel better. On Sunday, I worked out in the morning, and actually did stuff all day. And last night, I was so tired when I got home, but I made myself do it, and I felt better afterwards. Now Dana is coming over tonight to do it with me. Today I got on the website for Turbo Jam. They have chat rooms, and blogs, and message boards, and all that other crap, but I don't feel comfortable with that. So I thought I could enlist the help of my Twinkies (my girls, not those yummy treats with the cream in the middle. I have to stay AWAY from those.)



So, you obviously got my email on facebook, and that's why you are here. What I want to do is try to post here several times a week, and let you guys know how I am doing, so you can help me get my FAT ASS in gear. Remember before when I mentioned how much I trust you guys. Well here is where the trust comes in. I am going to tell you guys all of my stats, and even take a before picture. Hopefully, there will be an after picture. :O)



The ideal body weight for a large-framed female of my height (5'10) is between 129 and 173 pounds. Anyone who thinks I will make it to 129 lbs, you have lost your ever-lovin mind. Ugh. I think I would look sick at that weight. They, meaning the experts, say that even at 170, I would be borderline over weight. I however have set my goal at 180 pounds. I remember what I looked like at that weight. I have seen pictures of myself at that weight. And I was comfortable in my own skin at that weight. So that's where I want to go. Now, even getting to 180 lbs is going to be a feat. That's a sixty-two pound weight loss for me. That's right ladies I am 62 lbs away from my goal - which, puts me at (I literally just took a deep breath knowing I was about to type this number...) 242 pounds.



That is about 68 pounds of PURE FAT on my body. 28% of my entire body weight is PURE FAT. OMG. I think I just threw up in my mouth. Gross.



So. I need you. I need you to love me, and call me a fatty, and tell me I am lazy on the days that I have not worked out. I need to stop drinking shots. No more double decker turkey clubs with fries at Strass. And I can't do it alone. I have tried, and I weigh 242 fucking pounds. I NEED YOU. Tell me to put the fries down. Tell me to quit complaining and go take a walk. I need tough love. But love most importantly.



So here are the vitals.



Weight: 242

Height: 5'10

Chest: 46.5

Waist: 46

Hips: 49

Thighs: 25.5

Arms: 13



The picture will come later tonight or tomorrow, hopefully.



Here we go... Love you girls!