I ask myself all the time why I continue this blog. I'm the only one that reads it. When I first started this blog last year, I thought it would be a great way for my friends to help me and encourage me on this journey. It was an outlet, and a way for me to keep in touch with my friends, and let them know what was going on in my life. I got frustrated at one point last year, and posted about it, and that was really the beginning of the end. That is, until I decided to begin again this year.
When I came back to the blog, they had done a lot of updates, and added a lot of features for the bloggers. One of those features is a tool they call the Page Counter. It lets you know how many times your pages have been viewed. I was really excited when I first started, because with the first post, I got 22 views. But the next day it was one. And the day after that was one. And eventually that one person stopped visiting. The last post that someone besides me has seen on this was August 15th. It's been over two weeks. At first, I was really upset about that. I realize that everyone else has lives, and are just as busy as I am, if not busier. I know I am not at the top of the priority list in everyone's daily lives. I don't expect to be. But to be honest, to see that not one person of the group I invited to share this with had not even checked on me once in two weeks... it was a little disheartening.
But then, I really started to think about it. I am not doing this for my friends. This is for, and about me. I put myself out there. I was honest, and forthcoming. I censored some things I wanted to say, because I didn't want to upset or offend anyone. And now that I know that no one else is reading this, then who gives a flying fuck? RIGHT?!?! Right. The fact is, I am doing me. I am doing this for me. I am doing this for my family. And my family has been super supportive. Matt has been amazing. He tells me everyday how good I look, and how proud he is of me. When I am tempted, he tells me I don't need it. When I still want it, he asks me what do I want more? Madison tries to help. If I am being lazy, she offers to work out with me. Mama C tries to make good food for me when we have Sunday dinner's at her house. My stamina and endurance get better with every workout. My clothes fit better. I get out in the yard and play with the kids. I am teaching my kids better eating habits, and better routines. NO Disney Channel!!! Let's go play soccer! You be goalie first! Ready... one two three... go!
My entire life, I have needed everyone's approval. As a kid, it was hard to get recognition from my parents for what I had done, because my other sibilings had already done everything. I think that has molded me into the way I am now. I am constantly seeking approval. From my Parents, my siblings, my friends, my co-workers, everyone. Well, a lot of that shit went out the window last week. Regardless of how other people feel about me, I like who I am. I know I have made mistakes, but I think I have learned and grown from those mistakes. I think that with everything I have been through, I have turned into a damn good person. I am faithful, loyal, loving, caring, honest and true. I go out of my way to make other people happy. I work my ass off to try to get the things I want. I try to raise my kids to be respectful, honest, good people. If someone is good to me, I am good to them.
In the last week, I have learned a few things. I have learned that family is not determined by your blood stream. Because even though I am the youngest of 4 children, and have been for 28 years - this week I became an only child. My parents still have 4 kids, but that does not mean they are my family. I love my Mom and my Dad to pieces. They are amazing people, and amazing parents. They ARE my family. Matt, the kids, his parents, Dana and Bells and David and the boys? They ARE my family. HoJ and Steph and Krista and Caroline? They ARE family. Shellie is NOT family. Mary is NOT family. And Mike, I don't think he even knows who I am anymore.
People come in and out of your life all the time, for different reasons, and you pick up things along the way. Some teach you how to be a better person. Some teach you exactly the kind of person you DON'T want to be. Some teach you things about yourself you never knew. For me, I have learned (so far) that I have an amazing grab-bag family; that I want to be the kind of person my parents raised me to be; I know love, I know empathy, I care about right from wrong, I am honest, I am introspective, and my apologies are heartfelt; that I do not want to live my life as a jealous, insecure, person; that I don't need everyone's approval all the time; that I am capable of making adult decisions on my own; that I am better at writing than I am at speaking; and while I don't need everyone to follow my every move on this blog, I do have to document everything. It keeps me on track, and keeps me focused. So, if by some chance someone else besides me is reading this, please don't take offense. I am actually letting go of it. I don't want to make people feel bad for not getting on here. It was never really about that anyway - I thought it was, and maybe it started out that way. But it's certainly not that way now. This is a place for me to become the person I want to be, inside and out. And I am getting there.
Everyday I'm Hustlin. :)
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