Do-over?

I am re-committing myself today. Today I am going to start Turbo Jam over. I have been feeling good long enough that I am comfortable exercising again. I really need the outlet. While things have gotten much better on the home front,things have gotten much, much worse at work. It is stressful, and depressing, and is starting to affect other areas of my life. Hopefully, by de-stressing with exercise, the bad won't seem THAT bad.

I ate good all weekend... super proud of myself. I had oatmeal for breakfast, and a tuna kit for lunch. I had an apple for a snack, but it wasn't that good. I ended up taking a few bites and tossing it. I had almonds for my snack instead.

Tonight when I get home, I am going to do my workout - and hopefully walk Harley too.

So even though its really Day 51 - today is Day 1, as I begin again.

What?

Today is no different. This is starting to seem pointless

EPIC FAILURE.

THAT'S RIGHT.  EPIC FAILURE.

I didn't work out last night as I had planned. I have got to get motivated to MOVE! This weight is not going to lose itself.

Shame on me. I have no one to blame but myself for the way I look, and the way I feel.

Slipping....

It's been too long. Too long since I have posted on here, too long since I have worked out, and too long since I have seen results. The good news is, I am as determined as ever. I have not gained any weight back. And I am still following my diet. Now, I just have to get back to working out. I am starting Turbo Jam over - at the beginning - starting today.

I have been on emotional roller coaster for the last month. I have been sad, and overwhelmed, and angry, and stressed out, and surprisingly enough, happy at times too. I remember when I first started working out, and how much that release of energy helped as a mood stabilizer. I am looking forward to getting that back. I am looking forward to working hard and reaching my goals. I am looking forward to a lot of things. I just gotta push past all the bullshit I am surrounded by now.

I have to quit worrying about what everyone else is thinking and doing and get back to me, and my family and my friends. Maybe I need to meditate. Except for the fact I am not sure what it is, or how to do it, or what it accomplishes.

Another Day

I am not really in the mood to do this today - I have to many other things on my mind. However, here is a quick update. I took Lori and Krista's advice and bought lots of yummmy foods at the store last night. I did not get to take Harley for a walk. I worked my little butt off last night trying to get everything else done. I started my food diary again yesterday, and have kept up with it today.

Cereal bar for breakfast (within 30 minutes of waking up, Thank You Lori).
Apple and peanut butter for mid morning snack.
Tuna kit for lunch with a piece of string cheese.
And a granola bar for a mid afternoon snack (but I haven't eaten that yet...)

Tonight is going to be busy. I have changed my plans like, 4 times. But Madie has her school play tonight, and we get the kids after. Then homework, bathtime, bedtime, and finally some relax time for Matt and I. And I need it after the day I have had. So, knowing all of this, I took a mile walk on my lunch today. I needed to de-stress anyway.

Wayyyyyy behind.

Okay Ladies. I need you guys to virtually kick my ass into gear here please.

I am behind. Way behind. I have not been able to work out for pretty much the last two weeks because of either my Kidney Stone, or my back. I don't want to lose focus. I was really bad this weekend. I drank entirely too much - starting on Wednesday. I tried to be good Sat night with Dana, and order nachos - but then we got the loaded nacho's. I know it's not the worst thing in the world, but I certainly did not make a smart choice there. I am getting bored with the foods I have. To be honest, I am scared to work out because of my back. I am just now starting to feel better, but I am still taking Doans, and a muscle relaxer. I just don't know about jumping back into Turbo Jam. I have not kept my food diary in a week. I am losing focus.

I got on the scale this morning, and I have put 4.2 lbs BACK ON. I am back up to 214.2. Now, that is still below what my goal was for last month (214.4), but if I can't get back on track soon, I am going to lose a lot of the hard work that I have already put in. The pants that I bought a few weeks ago are loose, but my fat jeans that started all this mess still don't fit right. They just seem to damn tight. Ugh.

I felt really good about the way I looked Saturday night when Dana and I went out, but once I saw the pictures we took, to me, it looks like nothing has changed. And I am taking the "before" picture tonight. Maybe If I have to look at my fat self in a sports bra and shorts everyday, it will remind me of what I don't want to be.

Also, you ladies may be seeing a new name pop up on here now and then. I have invited my cousin Lori to be a part of this and kick my ass. Lori lives in Memphis, TN. She has her own AMAZING story. This strong, beautiful woman over came a lot of obstacles, and is a great inspiration to me, and what I am trying to do. This woman LOST 130 POUNDS!!! And did it the right way, with diet and exercise. So welcome her, and Lori, don't be afraid to yell at me. My girls will back YOU up, as I have asked everyone here to team up on me, and put me in check when I need it. :O)


Soooo... It's about 2:30. I have had an upset stomach all morning - I mean painful. I have been scared to eat, and not because of the weight, but because I was afraid of making it hurt worse. So then, I started thinking. I wonder if these are hunger pains? I really hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon, so I made myself go get something to eat. Spaghettio's (Carbs, yes, I know.), Yogurt for protein (Thank you Krista and Lori), and I bought a can of almonds to keep here at work for a snack... For later today, or the rest of the week. I am going to walk Harley tonight, instead of Turbo, since I am still worried about my back. If I can go 3 days with no pain, then I will start Turbo and weight lifting again. Anyway, after my walk, I am going to stain my hot tub, and then go to the grocery. I need to re-stock all my good for you foods. And Lori and Krista, thank you so much for all the helpful ideas on the foods. :O)

Now, I just hope my tummy feels better once this food is digested.

1 Month Results!

Weigh in Day!!! 1 month Results!!!
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!!!!

Weight: 224.2

210.0

Height: 5'10

Chest: 46.5

44.o

Waist: 46.0

42

Hips: 49.0

47.0

Thighs: 25.5

24.5

Arms: 13

12.5

Thats 14.4 lbs weight loss, and a loss of 11.5 inches combined! Yay me! I not only met, I exceeded my one month goal. Oh! The motivation!!! And, I just bought myself a new shirt to reward myself. :O)

Induce vomiting in 3...2....1....

So tomorrow is the big day. I get on the scale everyday, and I did not like what I saw this morning. I am about to go into starvation mode.

I am seriously discouraged

Anyone there?

So Wednesday is the big 1 month weigh in. I am kinda nervous to see if I have hit my one month goals. I am really hoping that I do, so that I am encouraged to continue on this journey. I did measure myself on Saturday, and was happy so far, but I am concerned. I only worked out two days last week. I did try to work out on Saturday, but ended up giving up halfway through because the kids kept needing me. I did take the kids and Harley on a one mile walk that day though. I worked hard all day yesterday outside, but didn't work out. While working outside, I did something to my back. I don't know what, or when, but I know by 7:00 last night, I was hurting bad, and by 10, I was almost crippled. I got out of bed at 2:00am with Nate, and was unable to get back in bed. I literally crawled on my hands and knees, in tears, to my living room, where I fell asleep in my lazy boy about 4:00 am. I don't know how long this is going to last, but I know if I am having trouble walking, working out is probably not the best idea.

So I am getting discouraged. I just hope that I don't gain what I have already lost back. I wanted to lose 10lbs by the 14th, so as of this morning, I have 2 days to lose a half of a pound. I know it doesn't sound like a whole lot, but I really need to lose that half of a pound to prove to myself that even with stress, and emotional roller coaster rides, and work, and family and life, I CAN do this. I need to prove to myself that I can set goals and reach them or this is not going to work.

Friday night did not start off good. Matt and I were going to go to Montgomery Inn for dinner, and then to see Ashley for her birthday. I took longer than usual to get ready. I could not find anything to wear. I hated my hair. It looked to damn frizzy. I got some sun last week, so my makeup looked white. I could not find ANYTHING that fit, that looked good, that I felt comfortable in. Matt insisted that we stop somewhere along the way so that I could buy a new outfit. I guess he just doesn't understand that the day you are feeling fat is NOT the day to go shopping. But, I eventually got over it, and we had a great time.

Saturday was good, a lot of hard work, and a great bonfire. Yesterday, I passed up Milton's Doughnuts, and went for cereal instead. I actually ate well all weekend. Yes, even at Montgomery Inn. Today, I had a granola bar for breakfast (it's what I had here) and a tuna kit for lunch. Not sure what's on the menu tonight, but I have been REALLY good about my diet at home, so I should be okay. I guess I am just worried about not being able to work off what I am supposed to each day...


I know you guys don't post or respond on here a lot, but I could really use some encouragement today. Today is one of my down days

Slipping....

I am starting to slip ladies. I skipped working out last night cause I was sooo tired. Now I am two days behind this week.

And I had Taco Bell for dinner. The good news there is, they have that new diet menu, and the burrito I got was only 160 calories and 5g of fat! And it tasted good!

Yeah, I'm boring today. That's all for now.

So, I was tired this morning. I slept in, and did not have time to pack anything for breakfast, or lunch for that matter. I ended up skipping breakfast (I know, not good), and had carrots and ranch for lunch. I cannot believe how much fat there is is such a small amount of food! 2 Tbsp of Ranch is 14g of fat! Luckily, I am allowed 42g of fat a day (I have never reached that 42 since I started this though).

And, on top of it, the carrots were not very filling, so I think I am going to eat a granola bar here in a minute. Just gotta drink my water, and wait 5 minutes and see if I am still hungry.

I need to save some calories for alcohol tonight. I think Matt and I are going to go down to Monty's to wish Ash a happy b-day. But, he just got sent somewhere for work, and he is mad now. I guess it will depend on what time he gets home. Hell, I might just make the trip solo.

Guess we will find out tomorrow... Loves yas!

It hurts.

So last night, I was supposed to do Turbo Sculpt, and AB Jam. Now - as you all are well aware, I am not a fan of the Ab Jam - because it hurts. I was actually looking forward to the Sculpting one - until it started. OH. MY. GOD. That was the hardest workout so far. I was so frustrated that I couldn't keep up (and everything was very slow paced) that I finally put the weights down. And even after that, I almost quit. After that 40 minutes of hell, I was honestly too sore to even think about doing that Ab workout. I was taking Excedrine back and body within an hour. I was so sore when I finally laid down last night. Every part of my body just hurt. Now, I know that it is going to get easier. I know that. But damn. I am not looking forward to doing that again. I know that I am going to Walmart tonight, and buying the 3 lb weights instead of the 5lb ones I have now. That was just too much.

And then, I worked all night. I was doing spring cleaning. Matt got called into work, so I was on my own. I cleaned until midnight last night. No sitting around watching TV for this chick. I kept busy from 6:00am until Midnight. I was so sore when I laid down. I just ached everywhere. I is tired today.

Tonight is just the 20 min workout - so I should be okay. But who knows. We will see.

I had a nutrigrain bar for Breakfast, and rice for lunch. I have already had half of the water I am supposed to have for the day - and i'm peeing like every 15 minutes.

OH! and my friend Kelly from work gave me a book. It is from the biggest loser diet, it was her mom's or something. Anyway - it's like a food diary. I have been doing it since Monday. You log how you are feeling that day, your goals, achievements and frustrations, exercise plans and of course all of your food. It records your fat calories and carbs. Mama likes.

PS - I changed the layout of the blog. I decided I need to move away from having black EVERYWHERE. Black is a dark color. I have been in the dark for a while now, and I am trying to move away from dark and depressing things - so I thought for spring, I would throw a little green in there. And I like the maps at the top. It reminds me of not only the path that I am on, and trying to stay focused... But the lake. They look like old-school nautical maps. :O)

Looking up.....

Aaahhhhhhh....

Deep breaths. Today is the best I have felt in a week. Yesterday was a roller coaster of emotions. I was so confused and upset by the time I got home from work, I am surprised I was able to get dinner ready for the kids. But it ended up great. I had a wonderful conversation with Matt last night. I finally told him all of the things that have been on my mind. I finally just let go and and opened up. It felt really good to be able to talk. This was yet another goal I had set for myself and yet another goal I have accomplished. Check.

The last few days on here, I have really just been venting my frustrations. I think that I have just been holding so much back, from everyone, for so long, that it has just all come to a head recently. But now, I feel like a load has been taken off my chest. So off with the drama, and on with the weight loss. :O)

I did work out Monday night, but not last night. There was just too much going on. But I did get on the scale last night, and I lost the 2 lbs back. Yay! When I first started doing the research on dieting, and exercising, and eating right, they said to set short term goals so it does not seem like you are soooo far away from your final goal. So, I have a goal each month - to lose 10 lbs. I started on March 14th, so I still have a week to lose another pound. :O)

I am going to change my workout routine - somewhat. Now that it is nicer out, I am finding it hard to stay inside, especially since I was cooped up all last week. So I am going to finish the rest of my Turbo Jam. The calendar is for a month. That means I have 9 workouts left (since I skipped last week). Then, I am going to start walking - every night - with my dog. Harley needs the exercise too. Then a few times a week, I am going to continue doing Ab Jam and Turbo Sculpt. If the weather is bad or whatever, then I will do the Turbo Jam Cardio Party. I have not done my full weigh in in a while. I wanted to do that every week, but I missed last week. At this point, I think I am just going to wait until next Wednesday (the 14th). That way, it will be my 1 month weigh in.

I had a Nutrigrain bar for breakfast, and I am having Spaghettio's (only 1g of fat and 180 calories per serving!) for lunch with carrots and pretzels.

Guess that's all for now!

Let me explain...

Ladies,

I am sorry if any of you took that last post personal. I truly am. For those of you who have read the last few posts on here, it has been a rough time for me this last week. And yesterday was a BAD day for me. I do better when I am around people, but yesterday, I was alone at work, and had nothing but my thoughts, and sometimes, that can be a bad thing (more often than not). Sometimes I can go off on a rant, and not really realize it. Especially when I think I am talking to myself.

Look, I know that none of us are perfect. I do not expect perfection from anyone, because I know damn good and well I can't deliver it. What I do need though, is understanding. Some days are going to be better than others. Some days, it may seem as though its the worst. Either way, please never take anything personal from me. This is just a place for me to vent. I know that we all have lives, and jobs, and families, and a million other things going on. I know that we don't have time to talk to each other every single day. And when I can't talk, I write. It's what I do. It's what I have always done. It's just me going off on a tangent, and when I am done, it's done. The next post might be the complete polar opposite of what you read the day or week before.

So again, if anyone took this personal, or was offended by anything I said, I sincerely apologize. It was never my intent.

With that being said, the one reoccurring theme I am hearing from a lot of people is that I need to talk more. I need to stop keeping everything bottled up inside. I know that I do it. I am well aware. But sometimes it seems like everything is better if I just keep my mouth shut. I know this may seem irrational, but I want to try to explain my line of thinking on this point. When I have an issue with something - it's my issue. When I start talking and telling everyone (or someone), it then becomes their issue too. I am tired of fussing. If its not with Matt, it's with the kids. If it's not with the kids, it's with Donna. If it's not with Donna, it's with my family. It's on, and on, and on. Whereas, if I could just keep my damn mouth shut, then there is no drama, and everything is fine.

Now, I know that it is not true. I know that just because I don't talk about it, doesn't mean it's not there. But I don't like drama. I don't like upsetting people. I don't like it when people are mad at me. I know that is childish, but it's me. And that's the way I look at it. When I finally do decide to say something, it usually takes me days, sometimes weeks to come up with the courage to say something. A lot of times, I know I won't be able to talk about it, so I write letters. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad. I don't like talking about feelings. I guess that is yet another one of my insecurities. Here is a recent example. I confided in someone some of my deepest, most heartfelt feelings and fears. It took me weeks to gather my courage. And I find out a few days later, that THAT person went, and shared that information with someone else. I confided something that I don't even talk to you guys or my family about. I had not told either of my best friends about it. The information was shared with my MORTAL ENEMY, and they in turn, used that information against me. You think I will ever tell that person another thing? I would like to. I would like to be able to trust again. But I don't know how long it will be before I can. I talked about something I didn't want to talk about, something I wanted to just keep bottled up inside, and it blew up in my face. The explosion from that blast literally shook me to my core.

So yes. Sometimes I feel alone. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to. But I am working on it. I am working on a lot of aspects of my life right now. I don't want to be self-conscious. I want to be confident. I don't want to be scared to talk. I want to have the strength to speak my mind. I don't want to be overweight. I want to be healthy. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to be able to trust others. I want to be a good wife and mother (or girlfriend, and daddy's girlfriend.) I am not only working on my body, I am trying to work on my mind and soul too. I want to be more even tempered. One defense mechanism I have is to hurt you. If you hurt me, I will hurt you back. If you make a comment about my family, I will say something about yours. If you make me feel bad, I will do my best to make you feel the same. And I am always quick about that. I have been pushed around, and put down all my life. And that is my quickest response. I need to change that.

For instance, this morning. I woke up. I was in a great mood. I came to work, and read the comment from Dana. And my day was shot. I changed my FB status. I fired off a comment back to her - in the heat of the moment. It wasn't angry. I was defensive. I can't explain the way I felt. I was hurt. She took it the wrong way, and in return, I took her response to my post the wrong way. In my original comment, I had decided to end the blog. It was never meant to start arguments or misunderstandings. Then Matt called. And I told him what was going on, and I cried. And cried. And he told me to call Dana, and I didn't want to. I figured she would read my post and would understand. (See the not wanting to talk again here?) But he calmed me down. I came back in and deleted my FB and blog comment. They were unnecessary. I wrote those in a weird way to protect myself. So I took some time, and calmed down. Matt called Dana, (Damn taddle-tale) and now we are fine. I think.

I am very confused right now. I don't like myself. I don't like the way I look. I don't like the way I feel. I don't I don't like when I act like this. But I am trying. I really am. I am trying to make changes in my life. I am trying to talk more. But I am getting burned every now and then, and those are road blocks to me, and make it hard for me to talk again. But I am trying. And all of these are big changes. I guess what I am saying is, you gotta stick with me. Some days are going to be better than others. Some days will be down right awful. But please don't take anything personal. I love you guys. And I need you.

And the blog is on. I need to stop quitting things.

And on top of it, I gained 2 lbs back. No more holiday dinners for this girl.

Damn Crickets.

So, I guess it's just me and you, blog. Kinda sad, but, as I have learned in the last few days, shit happens. I have no one to talk to. Everyone I know is either too close, or too far removed from the situation. The one person I expected to help actually caused more doubt instead of making me feel better. Maybe THAT says something that I don't want to hear. I am sad, and angry, and bitter, and hurt, and I don't know what to do. A lot of shit went down last week while I was home sick, and I am not putting it all out there, just in case someone does decide to read this. My major problem is, the way that I am used to dealing with stressful situations (eating) is not gonna cut it this time. I need to find another outlet. And what bothers me the most is that this time, painting is NOT helping. That has always been my outlet. It has always been my last resort. It's not an outlet anymore. Its a reminder. I don't want to paint.

I don't know what to do.

Today is day 23 of my diet, but will only be my 10th workout, since I missed all of last week. I have lost 10 pounds so far. And I celebrated that by buying myself a nice outfit for Easter. And some hooker heels that I LOVE. And I got paid for my mural this weekend, so I went out and bought the Sketcher Shape-ups that I have been wanting. I received some compliments from my family yesterday. It was nice to hear that someone else is noticing my hard work.

However, it is now time to kick it into high gear. I am driven. I am determined. I WILL DO THIS. And not for anyone else. For ME. MYSELF. I. I do not ever want to feel the way I did last Tuesday. I will NEVER AGAIN let someone that I don't give a flying fuck about make me feel bad about myself. I will not allow people to call me FAT, or LAZY, or BORING. I am none of the above. I need to love myself, and be confident in who I am. Because in the end, that's all I've got. I am alone in this, and in everything that I do. I know that people love me, but even the ones that love you will let you down at some point. And then you are alone. And I don't want to be alone with the person I am now. I don't like her. I don't like the way she looks, or feels, or the way that other people get in her head and try to ruin everything that is good in her life. I don't like her at all. She is all heart, and no strength, and that has NEVER gotten her anywhere in life, except a broken heart. And if this heart breaks again - I don't think there is a glue in the world to fix it.

It's time to be a selfish bitch, and do and say what the hell I want, when the hell I want.

And FUCK ANYONE who has anything to say to me about it.

Hello? **cricket**cricket**

So I think I am the only one who reads this anymore. But oh well, it's keeping me on track. I have not been able to work out on Monday or Tuesday because of this kidney stone. I still have not passed it, so I don't think I am going to be able to workout until I pass this thing. I have still been watching what I eat though, and I jumped on the scale this am and weighed 216. That means 2 more lbs, and I have met my monthly goal. (I want to lose 10 lbs per month. Slow and steady wins the race, right?) Now, if I can just keep my emotions under control...

These last few days have been a rollercoaster. Boo.

REALLY?

Honestly ladies, this is going to be short. I did not have to work out this weekend after I finished my 20 minutes on Friday. I ate good all weekend. I have not weighed in yet today. I am not sure if I will be able to workout tonight. My back has been bothering me since Saturday - and I am not sure if I pulled something, or if this is another stone. At first, I thought I had just pulled something, because it did not feel like my stones had before. But now, the pain has moved from the center of my back to my lower right side. I am peeing more often, and even though I am drinking the right amount of water, my urine is still discolored, so I am starting to think it's blood. I am at work today with pain medicine for my back, a percocet just in case, and a heating pad. Not sure how long I will last.

So, it's 11:28. I took the percocet about an hour ago, and it's not working. The pain is completely in my lower back on the right side. Hello kidney stone. I feel like I am giving birth. I hate my body.

Who woulda thunk it?

So here is my last little entry for the week. I love these DVDs the more and more I do these workouts. They really are fun. Once you get past the feeling silly part. :O) I have actually caught myself a few times like "oooooh! I like the part thats coming up!" I know. I am a nerd. But i'm a cool nerd right?

For those of you who saw my FB post last night, I wasn't kidding. That really did hurt. The 20 minute thing was fine, but THOSE ABS!!! OH. MY. GOD. Chalene Johnson (the creator of Turbo) is like Hitler for your abs. I think she is trying to kill me. So, like I said last night, if I am not in the best shape of my life at the end of this... That skinny little barbie is going down.

Tonight, I only have to do the 20 min workout, and then off for the weekend. Next Monday is weigh in day again, and I am actually looking forward to getting on the scale, and see if this is paying off. I never thought I would say that in my whole life. So something in my head must already be clicking. :O)

It's Turbo Alright....

OH. MY. GOD.

I am not a fan of the 45 minute Cardio routine I had to do last night. Yet. It is very high paced (Hence why this is the cardio one). They throw these new moves at you in each video, and just jump right into it like I am a mind reader and know what's about to happen. Then I get all confused, and sometimes just end up standing there staring at the TV trying to figure out how to mimic what they are doing. Then, by the time, I have caught up, they have moved on to something else. And I can't seem to do anything starting with my left hand or foot.

But I did it. I did the whole thing. Then I made Matt and the kids dinner and cleaned up while my dinner cooked. I had 1 portion of baked chicken, whole grain rice, and peaches. It was super yummy. And, since Matt and the kids don't eat baked chicken, I have a bunch left over for lunches and dinners this week. Like today. For lunch, I brought in a 6 in whole grain tortilla, romaine lettuce, some of the chicken, and light Caesar dressing. I'm excited for lunch. :O)

I actually drank all of the water I was supposed to yesterday too! I drank about 84oz. Holy hell. I was peeing like, every 20 minutes on the dot. This water thing is good, because I know it cleanses your system, and promotes good health, and allows your muscles and digestive system to do their jobs correctly, but it's hard. I usually drink a lot of water anyway, but actually keeping track was the hard part. I don't think I have been drinking nearly enough in the past. You are supposed to drink between 6 and 8 12 ounce glasses of water a day. And it should be ice cold, because it takes more calories to warm the water up to the temp your body needs to use it. So I keep 5 20oz bottles in the fridge here at work. I try to drink as much as I can during the day. And then, whatever I drink at night - working out, dinner, etc. - is extra. Yay me!

Tonight, I am back to the 20 min/ab jam workouts. Which is scary, because my abs still hurt from Tuesday. LOL. It's all gonna be worth it and pay off in the end. Oh, and I have adjusted my goal weight since I found out I was about 20 lbs less than I thought. New goal is 150. Which means I have to lose more, but I already have a jump start on it. I am at 218 as of this morning, so that means 68 pounds to go. I CAN do this. :O)

That's - That's shocking!

I was so proud of myself when I got home. I had a horrible day, and all I wanted to do was go home and sleep until the kids got there. But I made myself do it. I worked out when I got off of work. And not just my regular workout. It was the first night for two videos. 20 Minute Turbo Jam, and AB Jam. The Turbo is getting better. I can keep up and I actually have fun doing it. Ab jam kicked my abs. OH MY HOLY HELL. I have never seen some of the stuff those people are able to do with their abs. It's 20 minutes long, and after about 3 minutes, I was starting to think, are we almost done? I really struggled with that. But I am just starting so I am sure it will get better and easier. I know it worked though, because my abs hurt if I cough or sneeze. :O) Tonight, I move to the 45 minute Cardio Party. It sounds like fun, but I think it's gonna hurt. Then back to 20 Min/AB Jam tomorrow. What I love about working out is the energy that I gain from it. I was so tired when I got home, and after jumping around and punching and kicking for 40 minutes, I was ready to go.

When I got done last night I went to the grocery. I made a shopping list before I went for all of the things I wanted to get so I would stay focused while I was there. I bought all kinds of good foods. Fresh fruits and veggies. Whole grain breads, rice and pasta. Low fat and no fat cheeses and milk. I bought lots of proteins to pack for lunches at work - like tuna and chicken. I think that's why I have been getting so tired. I have not been eating the right things at the right time. I need that protein to boost me in the middle of the day.

Last night for dinner, Matt had Pizza, and bugels. I had a Chicken salad sandwich (using the recipe in my Turbo Jam book), pretzels, and a thing of string cheese with yogurt for dessert. It was yummy. And just the right amount. I wasn't stuffed, but I wasn't hungry either. :O)

I like the way this is going. I really think I can keep this up. :O)

Check, check, 1?

Today is the first time to check in on my stats and see if I am improving at all. It's not much... but it's an improvement!

Weight: 224.2

221.4

Height: 5'10

Chest: 46.5

45.0

Waist: 46.0

43.5

Hips: 49.0

48.0

Thighs: 25.5

25.0

Arms: 13.0

So... I lost 2.8 lbs. I stayed the same height. I lost in 1.5 inches around my boobs. Let me tell ya, not really happy about that one. I lost 2.5 inches around my waist. I lost 1.0 inch on my hips, and a 1/2 inch around each of my thighs. My arms stayed the same. So in 10 days, I lost 2.8 lbs and 5.5 inches total. It's not as much as I would like, but, I am happy none the less. I am headed towards where I want to go. I did just notice that this measurement tracker card that comes with Turbo Jam says I should have done this on workout 10, not day 10. Sooo... maybe it will change some more!

Last night was hard. Matt's birthday dinner: Salad, good. Spaghetti bake, bad. Pizza, bad. Wings, bad. Seared Chicken, okay, but still not great. Oh, and don't forget the cake and icecream. I had a very small portion of everything, but got lots of salad. I skipped the cake and ice cream. Dana did catch me getting one tiny little bite of cake, and yelled at me. Thank you Dana. That is what I asked for, and what I needed.

The thing is, I am starting to get worried. I have been on this for 10 days, and I have had salad almost every day. I have been eating fruits and veggies every day - and all of these things are supposed to be good for you. But I have kidney issues. And guess what all of my stones are made of? Enzymes that are found in Leafy green veggies, like... Hmmmm. Salad. And celery. And Carrots. And broccoli. And most fucking veggies. And I can't eat weight watcher meals because of the sodium levels. Sodium makes the other half of my stones. I don't want to start forming stones. I need ideas of good things to make and eat. Any advice ladies? I guess I am going to have to start drinking those slim-fast shakes for breakfast and lunch, and find something else for dinner.

K. That's all for now. :O)

Oh, and thanks again for all the support. You don't know how nice it is to be having a bad day, or to be wanting to eat something, and jump on here or on FB and find a comment or an email from one of you. It really does help me focus and stay on track. I love me girls. MUAH!

Monday!

Monday again. Boo. This weekend was hard, because we ate out all weekend for Matt's birthday - but I stayed within what my book said I could eat, and I watched my portions and drank water and took my own snacks to the dance competition... I wish I could have took something heavier though. I can't really crack Donna in the head with a bunch of grapes. More on that in a minute.

So Friday night, I took Matt out to dinner for his birthday. Olive Garden it is. Again, I was good. :O) Afterward, we decided to get a little crazy and head out to the Super Walmart. I know. Most people can't handle that place on a Friday night, but we were in a partying mood. :O) While there, I bought a scale to have at the house. It's one of those real fancy ones. It tells you not only your weight, but your body fat%, your muscle mass, your BMI, and your hydration level. That was good news, and bad news. Turns out, I am actually about 20 lbs lighter than I thought. I weigh 224.2. :O) Or we could just pretend I lost 20 lbs in a week. Yeah. Lets go with that. My muscle mass was about 64.8 lbs, my body fat % was about 40.8%, my BMI was 31, and my hydration level was at 43.2%. So I was over in all the categories related to FAT, and under where I should be for my muscle mass and water levels. Regardless, I am happy. I am happy that I got the scale, happy I weigh less than I thought I did, and happy I have another tool to help me get healthier. :O)

On Saturday, we walked a lot because we went shopping all day. The flea market, the mall, etc. And then out for dinner and drinks (I did drink a bit, but considering... I think I did pretty good). And home and in bed by 12:30. Yay!

Now. As for Sunday. NOT A GOOD DAY. I did fine with my diet, but I wanted to go rob a chocolate and Dorito's store at a few points during the day. Madie had a dance competition in Dayton. Which means spending all day with Madie's mom. First of all, I always hate going to these things because I feel out of place. I am not the aunt, or the grandma, or the great grandma, and I am certainly not her mother. So at one point during the day - we couldn't find her. We thought she was with her mom. One of the other mother's said she was with her dad. Another mother said she told them she was going to sit with me and her grandma. Matt and I were frantic. We were running up and down the halls, and can't find her. Finally we did after about a 10 minute heart attack. She was with her dance teacher. So Matt and I tried to talk to her and tell her that she can't run off without telling someone where she is. She kept cutting me off trying to explain herself, but I finally said, honey, I don't care. You can go hang out with your friends, you just need to let one of us know where you are. So then Donna walks up, and Madie, the little actress that she is, turns on the tears, like right now. Donna asks her why she is crying, and her response is because Becky was yelling at me. Donna starts shooting me dirty looks and I just walked off.

So that sets off a whole other chain of event's. Apparently Donna told Madie she did not have to listen to me, so Madie started giving me dirty looks, and rolling her eyes, and basically just acting like her mother. Then Donna's Grandma goes off on Matt, telling him that I don't have any right to speak to Madison like that because I am not her mother. So Matt and Granny Grunt got into it, and that upset me, because he has always said nothing but nice things about that woman, and he had to argue with her to stick up for me. It just ruined the whole damn day, and I am to the point I don't even want to go to another damn competition.

But the good part is, those bitches did not drive me to eat, which they usually do.

I am actually glad it's Monday for once. I am back to working out tonight, either before or after Matt's birthday dinner. I am still not sure how I am going to pull that off quite yet. But I will get it done. And my first weigh in and re-measure is tomorrow. I will be interested to see if I have lost any inches...

One of those Days

Yay! I made it through the first week! Well, of work-outs at least. I finished my last one last night. It was the 20 minute one again, and it was easier this time, which is exciting. I actually really like these videos, until Matt walks in and watches me doing it, and I don't see him standing there until 5 minutes later. Then I get embarrassed.

It's Friday, and I am really proud of myself. I have not had anything but water or juice all week. I have not touched one thing of junk food. And since it is Friday, that means breakfast meeting at work. It's crazy here - 9 million doughnuts, sausage and gravy from Bob Evans, bacon, eggs, biscuts... you name it. AND I brought breakfast for myself. Some Cheerio's with skim milk and a banana. :O)

It's gonna be a good day, Tater.

Okay - so maybe not a good day. I need to stop posting so early. By 8:30 I was in tears. By 9:15 - scared for my job. I am on my period, I don't feel good, I am sad today, and I just want to go back to bed.

Maybe it's just hormones and my body getting used to this new regimen I have put it through this week. I took a few midol, and I am better now. Not 100%, but better. LOL. Thanks for the post Dana, it helps more than you know that you are always SOOOO there for me. Love you.

Morning Ladies.....

So I don't know how long I will be able to keep up with this posting every day, but I am sure trying!

Yesterday was good. I took a walk and got a healthy lunch, and went I got off, I FOUGHT the temptation to drop all of my good intentions and head to the COV. I went home, and stalled working out by talking to Matt for a few. The new DVD scared me. But I finally just said, no, I am gonna go at least give it a try. The last seven minutes were really hard, and I had trouble keeping up and getting the moves down. And I actually rewound the DVD, and did the last 7 minutes a second time. :O) It was hard, but it was not as bad as I had worked it up to be in my mind.

Then I went down to the pool hall and painted on the mural I am working on. It's really coming together. Matt was nice enough to come with me and help me out. Then we went to the store. We bought all kinds of fruits and veggies, and he even did really good. He only bought 1 bad thing. That man CANNOT turn down a bag-O-Bugels. We had cereal for dinner last night, just cause it was so late. But at least it was a serving of Cheerios with no sugar and a banana instead of a half a bag of doritos and a oven pizza like we usually do. And Matt kept me in check. I was still hungry, and wanted seconds, but he told me to wait 15 minutes and see if I was still hungry. He was right. I didn't need the seconds. :O)

I am really sore this morning. I have been the last few days, but today is bad. And mostly it's in my lower back. My body is just NOT used to moving the way I am making it move. So luckily, I have one more workout tonight (the same one from last night), and then I get three days off!

More later, I am sure.

And it's later. I wrote on FB that I feel like the Easter Bunny. I come into work this morning passing out chocolate treats - and I am hungry and eating carrots. Oh, and salad planned for lunch. I have almost said that I was starving several times today - but I am going to try to stop saying that. Because the truth is, if I was starving, I would not be complaining about being fat. Fat girls are hungry. Not starving.

St. Patty's Day

Well, Dana came over and worked out with me last night. After she left and Matt got home, we sat down and had a long talk, because I told him I had created this blog. He wanted to know why I felt I needed to share every detail of this journey you you guys. Once I explained that you all were my support system, and read to him what I had written... He was amazing. He went on a walk with me and Harley and played with us in the yard. He helped me clean all the junk food out of the house, (by eating most of it... LOL)and said that starting today, he was going to go on a diet too. He said that way it would be easier on both of us, and would be less tempting for me if there was only healthy food in the house. We also decided that would be the best way to set an example for the kids. So now I have another person to take this feat on with me. :O)

So, I had 1 serving of tuna salad for dinner last night, with one tbsp of lite miracle whip, and one tbsp of relish on whole wheat toast, one slice of low fat cheese, and 1 serving of baked corn chips and salsa. All together, the whole meal was only 12 grams of fat! Yay!

Today however, sucks. I didn't get to go to the store last night, so I didn't have anything to bring in to eat today. I am tired, so I am drinking coffee, but instead of sugar, I am using sweet and low. It's gross. I am hungry, and some asshole here at work thought it would be a cute idea to bring in little green and white decorated cupcakes. I did good though. I just stared at them for a few minutes (okay, maybe 30 seconds), contemplated the consequences, and walked away. Then Kelly, the girl I sit next to, prances in here with French Toast sticks from Burger King. She took one look at me, and was like, "OMG! I am SOOO Sorry. I will go eat in the kitchen". THAT was actually kinda funny. I am going to have to go to Kroger's on my lunch and get some fruit and veggies and good stuff to munch on during the day.

As for my workout - I move to the next DVD tonight. It's the 20 minute one, which Dana and I watched (we tried to participate, but that only lasted about 2.5 minutes) last night. Honestly, kinda scared. But I am going to try it, and if it is too much, I will just go back and do the learn and burn again. The instructions say I can stay with that one until I feel comfortable, but I am going to try to push myself.

Oh, and no green beer for this girl this year. :O( That sucks - cause I am Irish. And I like beer. Boo.

Now, for the before picture. For now, I am just going to have to post a recent picture of me that I hate, because Matt can't find the power cord for our camera, and it's dead. Now I just gotta figure out how to post the picture. ;o)

Loves yas.

Day 1 (Day 3)

Okay - so it's actually day 3, but I will get to that in a minute. Here it goes kids... I made this blog because I need my girls. I need your support and your love, and your famous abilities to kick my ass when I need it. And since I don't live two blocks from the watering hole anymore, I thought you gals could kick my ass via the Internet. I am trying to exercise every day, eat healthy (okay - eat better than I have been)and lose this weight you guys constantly hear me complaining about. I know you all think I am beautiful the way I am and blah freaking blah (I love you...)but you don't know how I feel. I am doing this because you guys are my true friends, and I know I can be honest with you.

I have struggled with my weight my whole life. I have always had a bad body image of myself. I hate that I can't run anymore - because I get too tired too fast. I hate that I get tired after playing in the yard for five minutes with the kids and the dog. I hate that I can't pick out a sexy bra and panty set to wear for Matt because they don't make them in my size. I am tired of crying in the dressing room. I hate that I don't want to go out, even with my girls, because I am jealous of how you guys look. You are all so skinny, and can wear clothes that are in style while my fat ass is trying to find something cute in the plus sized section at walmart. I could probably do the same shopping in the tent aisle at Dicks. I cried the last time I saw my mom, because I was wearing the same shirt as her. I am dressing like a 63 year old woman to try to hide myself. I want to take the kids to go swimming, and actually swim with them because I am not afraid to be seen in a bathing suit. I want to lay out by the pool with my girls, and have some drinks, and not be the only one in a one piece, and still have ROLLS hanging out everywhere. I am tired of people asking me how far along I am when I am most certainly not pregnant. I know I make jokes and laugh at my self, but I am constantly aware of how I am sitting, how I am standing. I see that when you guys stand up, you don't have the muffin top hanging over your jeans like I do. I try to stand in the back of the group when we all take pictures together so I can hide behind you all. My dad has had two heart attacks, and heart disease runs severely in my Dad's side of the family. Of the Seven Top Risk Factors for Heart Disease, I currently have 6. This is not just me being self conscious anymore. I am scared. I want to live a long long life with Matt. I want grand babies. I want to see my nieces and nephews have kids. I don't want to have heart attacks and have some doctor threaten me, that if I don't do something, I am going to die. I bitch to Matt all the time about this. And he tells me the same things you guys do. That he loves me, and he thinks I am beautiful, and if I say it again, he is going to smack me. But lately, he has just gotten to the point where he says "then do something about it!" But even that did not push me over the edge.

The other day I was getting ready for work, and only had one pair of jeans clean; My fat jeans. So I put them on and they felt a little tight, but I had just gotten them out of the dryer, so I thought they would loosen up during the day. I was wrong. They were so tight that when I sat down, they actually hurt my stomach. By the end of the day, they had left red marks and welts in my skin. I cried and cried in the bathroom. But, I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. That was what did it for me. I was depressed for days, but on Saturday night while I was cleaning, I found my old Turbo Jam stuff in my closet. You guys remember the infomercial for that? Well I got it all out and started working out on Sunday. I know it's only Tuesday, but I feel better. On Sunday, I worked out in the morning, and actually did stuff all day. And last night, I was so tired when I got home, but I made myself do it, and I felt better afterwards. Now Dana is coming over tonight to do it with me. Today I got on the website for Turbo Jam. They have chat rooms, and blogs, and message boards, and all that other crap, but I don't feel comfortable with that. So I thought I could enlist the help of my Twinkies (my girls, not those yummy treats with the cream in the middle. I have to stay AWAY from those.)

So, you obviously got my email on facebook, and that's why you are here. What I want to do is try to post here several times a week, and let you guys know how I am doing, so you can help me get my FAT ASS in gear. Remember before when I mentioned how much I trust you guys. Well here is where the trust comes in. I am going to tell you guys all of my stats, and even take a before picture. Hopefully, there will be an after picture. :O)

The ideal body weight for a large-framed female of my height (5'10) is between 129 and 173 pounds. Anyone who thinks I will make it to 129 lbs, you have lost your ever-lovin mind. Ugh. I think I would look sick at that weight. They, meaning the experts, say that even at 170, I would be borderline over weight. I however have set my goal at 180 pounds. I remember what I looked like at that weight. I have seen pictures of myself at that weight. And I was comfortable in my own skin at that weight. So that's where I want to go. Now, even getting to 180 lbs is going to be a feat. That's a sixty-two pound weight loss for me. That's right ladies I am 62 lbs away from my goal - which, puts me at (I literally just took a deep breath knowing I was about to type this number...) 242 pounds.

That is about 68 pounds of PURE FAT on my body. 28% of my entire body weight is PURE FAT. OMG. I think I just threw up in my mouth. Gross.

So. I need you. I need you to love me, and call me a fatty, and tell me I am lazy on the days that I have not worked out. I need to stop drinking shots. No more double decker turkey clubs with fries at Strass. And I can't do it alone. I have tried, and I weigh 242 fucking pounds. I NEED YOU. Tell me to put the fries down. Tell me to quit complaining and go take a walk. I need tough love. But love most importantly.

So here are the vitals.

Weight: 242
Height: 5'10
Chest: 46.5
Waist: 46
Hips: 49
Thighs: 25.5
Arms: 13

The picture will come later tonight or tomorrow, hopefully.

Here we go... Love you girls!