Damn Crickets.

So, I guess it's just me and you, blog. Kinda sad, but, as I have learned in the last few days, shit happens. I have no one to talk to. Everyone I know is either too close, or too far removed from the situation. The one person I expected to help actually caused more doubt instead of making me feel better. Maybe THAT says something that I don't want to hear. I am sad, and angry, and bitter, and hurt, and I don't know what to do. A lot of shit went down last week while I was home sick, and I am not putting it all out there, just in case someone does decide to read this. My major problem is, the way that I am used to dealing with stressful situations (eating) is not gonna cut it this time. I need to find another outlet. And what bothers me the most is that this time, painting is NOT helping. That has always been my outlet. It has always been my last resort. It's not an outlet anymore. Its a reminder. I don't want to paint.

I don't know what to do.

Today is day 23 of my diet, but will only be my 10th workout, since I missed all of last week. I have lost 10 pounds so far. And I celebrated that by buying myself a nice outfit for Easter. And some hooker heels that I LOVE. And I got paid for my mural this weekend, so I went out and bought the Sketcher Shape-ups that I have been wanting. I received some compliments from my family yesterday. It was nice to hear that someone else is noticing my hard work.

However, it is now time to kick it into high gear. I am driven. I am determined. I WILL DO THIS. And not for anyone else. For ME. MYSELF. I. I do not ever want to feel the way I did last Tuesday. I will NEVER AGAIN let someone that I don't give a flying fuck about make me feel bad about myself. I will not allow people to call me FAT, or LAZY, or BORING. I am none of the above. I need to love myself, and be confident in who I am. Because in the end, that's all I've got. I am alone in this, and in everything that I do. I know that people love me, but even the ones that love you will let you down at some point. And then you are alone. And I don't want to be alone with the person I am now. I don't like her. I don't like the way she looks, or feels, or the way that other people get in her head and try to ruin everything that is good in her life. I don't like her at all. She is all heart, and no strength, and that has NEVER gotten her anywhere in life, except a broken heart. And if this heart breaks again - I don't think there is a glue in the world to fix it.

It's time to be a selfish bitch, and do and say what the hell I want, when the hell I want.

And FUCK ANYONE who has anything to say to me about it.