Let me explain...

Ladies,

I am sorry if any of you took that last post personal. I truly am. For those of you who have read the last few posts on here, it has been a rough time for me this last week. And yesterday was a BAD day for me. I do better when I am around people, but yesterday, I was alone at work, and had nothing but my thoughts, and sometimes, that can be a bad thing (more often than not). Sometimes I can go off on a rant, and not really realize it. Especially when I think I am talking to myself.

Look, I know that none of us are perfect. I do not expect perfection from anyone, because I know damn good and well I can't deliver it. What I do need though, is understanding. Some days are going to be better than others. Some days, it may seem as though its the worst. Either way, please never take anything personal from me. This is just a place for me to vent. I know that we all have lives, and jobs, and families, and a million other things going on. I know that we don't have time to talk to each other every single day. And when I can't talk, I write. It's what I do. It's what I have always done. It's just me going off on a tangent, and when I am done, it's done. The next post might be the complete polar opposite of what you read the day or week before.

So again, if anyone took this personal, or was offended by anything I said, I sincerely apologize. It was never my intent.

With that being said, the one reoccurring theme I am hearing from a lot of people is that I need to talk more. I need to stop keeping everything bottled up inside. I know that I do it. I am well aware. But sometimes it seems like everything is better if I just keep my mouth shut. I know this may seem irrational, but I want to try to explain my line of thinking on this point. When I have an issue with something - it's my issue. When I start talking and telling everyone (or someone), it then becomes their issue too. I am tired of fussing. If its not with Matt, it's with the kids. If it's not with the kids, it's with Donna. If it's not with Donna, it's with my family. It's on, and on, and on. Whereas, if I could just keep my damn mouth shut, then there is no drama, and everything is fine.

Now, I know that it is not true. I know that just because I don't talk about it, doesn't mean it's not there. But I don't like drama. I don't like upsetting people. I don't like it when people are mad at me. I know that is childish, but it's me. And that's the way I look at it. When I finally do decide to say something, it usually takes me days, sometimes weeks to come up with the courage to say something. A lot of times, I know I won't be able to talk about it, so I write letters. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad. I don't like talking about feelings. I guess that is yet another one of my insecurities. Here is a recent example. I confided in someone some of my deepest, most heartfelt feelings and fears. It took me weeks to gather my courage. And I find out a few days later, that THAT person went, and shared that information with someone else. I confided something that I don't even talk to you guys or my family about. I had not told either of my best friends about it. The information was shared with my MORTAL ENEMY, and they in turn, used that information against me. You think I will ever tell that person another thing? I would like to. I would like to be able to trust again. But I don't know how long it will be before I can. I talked about something I didn't want to talk about, something I wanted to just keep bottled up inside, and it blew up in my face. The explosion from that blast literally shook me to my core.

So yes. Sometimes I feel alone. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to. But I am working on it. I am working on a lot of aspects of my life right now. I don't want to be self-conscious. I want to be confident. I don't want to be scared to talk. I want to have the strength to speak my mind. I don't want to be overweight. I want to be healthy. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to be able to trust others. I want to be a good wife and mother (or girlfriend, and daddy's girlfriend.) I am not only working on my body, I am trying to work on my mind and soul too. I want to be more even tempered. One defense mechanism I have is to hurt you. If you hurt me, I will hurt you back. If you make a comment about my family, I will say something about yours. If you make me feel bad, I will do my best to make you feel the same. And I am always quick about that. I have been pushed around, and put down all my life. And that is my quickest response. I need to change that.

For instance, this morning. I woke up. I was in a great mood. I came to work, and read the comment from Dana. And my day was shot. I changed my FB status. I fired off a comment back to her - in the heat of the moment. It wasn't angry. I was defensive. I can't explain the way I felt. I was hurt. She took it the wrong way, and in return, I took her response to my post the wrong way. In my original comment, I had decided to end the blog. It was never meant to start arguments or misunderstandings. Then Matt called. And I told him what was going on, and I cried. And cried. And he told me to call Dana, and I didn't want to. I figured she would read my post and would understand. (See the not wanting to talk again here?) But he calmed me down. I came back in and deleted my FB and blog comment. They were unnecessary. I wrote those in a weird way to protect myself. So I took some time, and calmed down. Matt called Dana, (Damn taddle-tale) and now we are fine. I think.

I am very confused right now. I don't like myself. I don't like the way I look. I don't like the way I feel. I don't I don't like when I act like this. But I am trying. I really am. I am trying to make changes in my life. I am trying to talk more. But I am getting burned every now and then, and those are road blocks to me, and make it hard for me to talk again. But I am trying. And all of these are big changes. I guess what I am saying is, you gotta stick with me. Some days are going to be better than others. Some days will be down right awful. But please don't take anything personal. I love you guys. And I need you.

And the blog is on. I need to stop quitting things.

And on top of it, I gained 2 lbs back. No more holiday dinners for this girl.