Battle Field

Yesterday was rough for me.  I was so pumped up all day long, and I got home – and it was just gone.  I wrote the post “Almost” immediately after completing Day 4 of the 30DS.  I talked to Matt about my frustrations.  I talked to Mama a bit later that night, and was telling her all about it.  While talking to her, I finally realized my issue.  Me working out, and eating right, and trying to be healthy, it’s not a physical fight I am fighting.  I can eat nutritious food and enjoy it.  I do enjoy eating right.  I like working out.  Well – I like the way I feel AFTER I work out.  I feel better after I finish – I feel happier, I have more energy, and I have a sense of accomplishment. 

The fight that I am fighting is mental.  This is a war that is going on in my mind.  It’s breaking old habits, and replacing them with new habits.  It’s getting home from work, and getting moving instead of sitting on the couch with unhealthy snacks watching re-runs of Criminal Minds.  It’s getting up and cooking a healthy meal, instead of taking the lazy –we’ll just order in, or get take out – route.  It’s an extra 10 minutes straightening the kitchen after dinner, instead of leaving the dishes until tomorrow.  It’s getting up and folding the clothes in the dryer and putting the laundry away instead of another 15 minutes on the couch.  And for me – it’s more than just losing weight.  I really am trying to make LIFE changes right now.  And the only person trying to stop me is ME. 

I know this realization is not the cure I have been looking for.  But it is an acknowledgement.  I will probably have this fight with myself EVERY.  SINGLE.  DAY.  Hopefully, more often than not, the new me will win over the old me.  I know there will be days that the Fat Girl wins the battle.  And that is okay – as long as the Skinny Girl wins the war.   I have to remember that this is what I want.  I have to remember those motivational posters I look at EVERY day.  I have to remember how far I have come, and stop worrying about how far I have left to go.  And I have to remember that I CAN do this.  SHIT,  I AM doing this!  I am capable of working out, and working out hard.  I know I can finish the 30DS.  I’ve seen me do it!!!  No more I can’t.  I know that I can.  Now it’s about making a choice, every day.  Today, do I want to be the old me, or the new me?  Do I want to be lazy, or active?  Do I want to be a good example to my kids, or not?  Do I want to wear a bathing suit in public this summer?  Do I want to be proud of who I am, and what I have accomplished?

If I can answer all of those questions every day with a resounding “YES!!!”, then this war was over before it began.  I will do this.  Now, it’s a daily battle, and a daily choice.  Old me, or new me?

P.S.  I weighed in this morning.  Down to 220.0  :)