I did something today that I have never done before. I opened this blog to the public. I took a long time to think about it, and well - something's gotta give. On myfitnesspal.com, they have an area for you to blog in, which I thought would be silly, since I am already doing it here. So I invited all my followers from mfp.com to join me here. Then, I really surprised myself. I went to Facebook, and I made a post inviting anyone to follow. Now, while I did not just send the link out to all of FB world, this was a big step for me. The people from MFP don't know me. They have never met me. I will never see these people. So I asked myself, "is this really accountability?" Would I care to lie to a complete stranger, and say "Heeeyyyyy!! Doing fan-fuckin-tastic! I ran eleventy miles today, ate two sticks of celery, lost 26 pounds, and had to go buy a whole new wardrobe. Today was a success!!!" Probably not, because who would hold me accountable? (Sorry MFP fans, just tryin to be honest here. Don't judge me.)
I don't have to share everything with everyone on Facebook. And lets be honest, I think maybe 5 people might actually care. So I invited people to participate. If you want to be there for me, that is excellent - because I know me, and I know that in order to succeed, I need a lot of support and encouragement. I need feedback, and constructive criticism, and congrats when I have achieved something I set out to do. Otherwise, I let go. I fall back on myself, and on this prison shank I have slowly been whittling out of a toothbrush since I became overweight at what, 17, 18 years old? And then the weight comes back, and I do what any normal, rational person would do. I try to eat my weight in oreo cookies, because I feel eating my feelings is better than dealing with the issue at hand.
So - for those of you just joining us (and by us, I mean me) here's how this usually goes. I do really well for a few days. I post a lot. Then I begin to fade, just a bit. Then I realize that no one is actually reading anything that I am writing, and I go on a horrendous rant that usually offends someone that is still with me. (Sorry Dana. Love you.) Then I apologize, kick it back into full gear, until the cycle repeats, and I fall on my self created prison shank of self-loathing and pity. I wallow in my own sorrow and depression and fat rolls until I can't stand it anymore. And then... Ohhhh Haaaii. I'm back and doing this again.
The point is this: The cycle needs to end here. No more bobbing and weaving. No more excuses, no more vicious cycle. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. He's a liar (and also lives in my head, just FYI). Something has got to start happening. I don't want to live like this anymore, and it's not just being fat. I am tired of the excuses, the reasoning, the bullshit, and the depression. I need to set a higher standard for myself. I keep talking about setting examples for my kids. I think maybe I should back that up, and worry about setting an example for myself first.
So - if this is your first time here, welcome to my own personal hell. I normally write like I am talking to myself, because I honestly believe no one else will ever read this. I ramble, I complain, and I cuss like a sailor. Am I partially crazy? Yes, but if you know me, you probably already knew that. Also, you may want to go back and read a post from 08/01/2011 called "The very first post". It will give you a better idea of why (and when) I started this journey in the first place. Hope you enjoy my emotional roller coaster.
I don't. This ride sucks.
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