Breaking Records!

Today was a big day for me – I finally surpassed my DAY 1 excursion on the stair master.  The very first day I got on it, I went for 4.5 minutes total, while taking lots of breaks.  Today, I went 4.5 minutes before I took my first break!  I also went for 10.5 minutes total – which is only 30 seconds more, but I’m doing it.  I’m pushing myself, and I’m making gains!

I also impressed myself on the treadmill today.  Not because I made any significant changes, but because I beat myself – mentally.  Today, I was tired.  It’s been days since I’ve been to the gym (since last Thursday – and today is Tuesday).  I took yesterday off for Christmas.  I wanted to quit.  I wanted to walk before I finished my run.  My legs hurt, and my lungs were burning, and I wanted to rest.  And I got mad.  And then I started to talk to myself. 

YOU.  CAN.  DO.  THIS. 

My body was built to do GREAT things. 

I can do ANYTHING for 30 seconds… 27 seconds… 22 seconds… etc.

And then it was over.  I had kept going, and I finished.  And I was smiling.  I can remember so many times when I gave up with 3 seconds left.  That I quit 30 seconds into it.  I have learned, and I am training myself to push through the pain, to tell the fat girl inside me to shut the fuck up, and to just keep moving.  And it IS paying off.  Not by crazy pounds, or tons of inches (which I am losing both), but in my body.  I can literally feel my lungs getting stronger.  I can keep my breathing and my heart rate under control.  My legs are stronger.  I AM healthier – and it’s getting better every day. 

I send my husband a selfie every day when I am done working out.  He is my support, and my biggest cheerleader.  And every day, he tells me I’m beautiful, and that he is proud of me.  There have been more days than not that he was proud of me when I wasn’t proud of myself.  He sees the changes that I don’t, and he reminds me of them when I am feeling down.  He got me pretty good last week. I was having a down day, and he asked to see my face, so I sent him yet another selfie.  A few minutes later, I got a return message – a progress picture, if you will.  And the only thing I could say in response was “Damn.”.  These pictures were taken about 4 months apart. 

 

I hadn’t noticed.  But I’m getting there.  Today was a good day. 

 

NSV – Non-Scale Victory!!

Well, I have scale victory too – but we will get to that in a minute.  Last week, I only got to the gym twice.  I did my squats and arms every day, but a dreaded migraine hit, and I was out for the count.  As you all know – when you miss days, it makes it SO much harder to go back, and get back into a routine. 

Yesterday, I had 10 different reasons NOT to go to the gym.  I was exhausted because I only got about 4 hours of sleep the night before.  My workout buddy cancelled on me (for a good reason).  I had enough work to skip lunch altogether.  I could have gone Christmas shopping, or gone to the grocery store.  I actually thought about intentionally leaving my gym bag at home – just so I could say “oops, I forgot”. 

BUT – and here’s the NSV – I DIDN’T! I didn’t give into any of the excuses.  I put the damn bag in the truck in the morning, and I committed to going.  I told myself that even if I only walked on the treadmill, that would be better than nothing at all.  Then on the drive there – which normally takes 5-6 minutes – traffic was SHIT.  It literally took me 24 minutes to get to the gym – so my already short workout time was now MUCH shorter.  So I decided to go as hard as I could.  I hit the stair master (better cardio, better sweat, more calories for the time).  And just like last week, I surprised myself. 

I’m almost embarrassed to admit this, but this is my blog and my journey – so why not be honest about it?  I am OUT OF SHAPE.  I am still retraining my lungs from when I was a smoker.  When I first started on the stair master 3 weeks ago – I was only able to go for 4.5 minutes.  TOTAL.  And I took lots of breaks.  Each day I have gone to the gym, I have tried to stay on the machine a little bit longer, and try to go a little bit longer before I took a break, and in-between breaks.  Yesterday, I was on the treadmill for 10 minutes.  I went 3 full minutes without having to take a break.  And then, I was able to rest for about 30 seconds before going another 2 minutes before the next break.  Eventually, I will go the full 10 minutes without taking a break – and then I’ll start adding time. 

As I said last week, it isn’t much.  It’s not epic, or amazing, or impressive to anyone but me.  But again – just like last week, they are my records, and I’m beating them every day.  My lungs and my body are getting stronger.  And it is paying off – both mentally and physically.  In 4 weeks, I have lost 10.4 pounds, and 10.75 inches off my body. 

I’m proud of myself – so make that TWO NSVs this week!  

I am headed to the gym here in a few to tackle another day.  Tomorrow is rest day from the Gym – but the squat challenge is out to kill me – 145 squats tomorrow!  Till next time… 

What a difference a day makes!!

It’s amazing what can happen in just one day.  I mean, literally – AMAZING.  At least that’s how I feel today. 

 Yesterday, I was in a bummy mood.  Take one look at my post, and it’s not hard to figure out.  But I refuse to fail this time; I refuse to quit.  So I went to the gym.  I did get my workout in, but it wasn’t my best.  I felt better after I was done, but then disappointed too.  I didn’t work as hard as I could  have.  I gave up just a little too soon.  The endorphins pulled me out of my mood, and I told myself “I’ll do better tomorrow”.  And THAT, I did. 

Today, I beat my own personal records.  It’s not much, it’s not epic, or amazing, or will impress anyone, but they are my records, and I beat them.    And I am walking on air!  I feel like a rock star!!  I literally felt invincible walking out of the gym to my car today.  I am all smiles, and I am actually proud of myself. 

Yesterday, I wanted to quit.  Not for long, but the thought was there.  Today, I totally smashed it.  I pushed for 30 more seconds; one more minute; telling myself “I can do ANYTHING for 45 seconds”.  And I did.  I believed in myself.

I would say that’s a pretty sweet NSV.    

Checking in, feeling down.

I am feeling a bit down today.  Not crying, not can’t get out of bed, just down. 

I did my weigh in this morning.  I lost 1.2 pounds, and a total of 4 inches.  Normally, I would be totally stoked about that – but I’m just not.  It was also time to update my spreadsheet where I track everything, weight, measurements, BF%, BMR, etc.  My “goal weight” column needed to be updated.  I have it set up that it will pre-fill that cell with losing 2 pounds per week.  I was dumb enough to look pretty far down that list. 

IF – and that’s a big IF – I consistently lose 2 pounds per week, I won’t get under 200 pounds until June of 2017.  It will quite literally take me 6 months get to ONEderland.  That seems forever away.  Like it will never happen.  It makes what I am trying to do seem impossible in my mind.  I KNOW that isn’t true.  I KNOW that time will pass much quicker, but good god.  I had that split second where I thought to myself, I oughta just quit now. 

I KNOW last year was rough for me medically, and a lot of that affected my weight.  I switched Migraine meds more times than I can count, I went on the Depo Shot, and I quit smoking – all in the same month.  And I watched as my weight ballooned to numbers I hadn’t seen in years.  I also know I didn’t gain all the weight overnight – it’s not going away overnight.  I am just struggling with being able to see a light at the end of the tunnel.  Right now, It just looks dark. 

 I told myself, and my sounding board (Mr. Wonderful) that I NEED to focus on the one day at a time mentality.  I can’t focus on 6 months from now (or even longer – ONEderland isn’t even the goal weight – it’s just a stepping stone).  I have to make a choice every day to do this.  I can’t commit to 6 months from now.  Only today. 

 One day at a time.  And today I’ve already done my squats, and I’m headed to the gym in about 30 minutes.  Today I am making a choice to continue this journey, even though it seems impossible.  It definitely won’t happen if I quit now. 

 

It's been a while... again.

Sorry about that. 

Per usual, I did really good for a few days, and then fell off pretty quickly. Because, you know, laziness and life and stuff. 

And then, on a random Tuesday about 2 weeks ago, I started back.  I posted on Facebook that day saying "Not waiting until New Years, no more tomorrows.  Doing it today.  Doing it for Me."  And I haven't stopped.  I have REALLY been watching what I eat.  I’ve been weighing food, and measuring portions.  If we do go out, I’ve been trying to make better choices, like the salad bar, rather that the Big Boy, fries and unlimited refills on Pepsi.  I’ve been drinking ALL of my water every day. 

I’ve been to the gym at least 3 days both weeks.  I’ve been working on the stair master and the treadmill.  I’m not great at either, but I try, and I go back every time.  And every time I try to go just a little bit longer without a break, just a little bit faster, and just a little bit more time on the machines.  I am pushing myself to be better every day.  The first day, I spent 4.5 minutes on the stair master.  In that time, I climbed 15 floors.  Today, I was up to 8.5 minutes, and climbed 29 floors.  On the first day on the treadmill, I walked at 3.2mph for 20 minutes, and went exactly 1 mile.  Today – I spent 10 minutes on the treadmill doing walk/run intervals at 3.2/5.0, and traveled .64 miles.  I have been going to the gym on my lunch, so I only have a limited amount of time, but I have found that I push myself harder, because I want to get the most of the time that I do have. 

I’ve also been doing both a squat challenge, and an arm challenge, doing squats, push-ups, planks and chair dips every day.  Yesterday was my rest day from the gym, and even though I did 90 squats (yes – 90), and the arm challenge, I felt lazy for not going to the gym.  Today, I got stuck in traffic on the way there, and didn’t have as much time as usual.  I worked even harder.  I just don’t have time for excuses anymore – and even better – I’m starting to recognize when I am making excuses for myself.  I realized today on the way back to the office that I actually missed this.  I have missed working out, and the rush you feel afterwards.  It’s only been a few days, but I am already noticing changes.  And not just in my jeans.  It’s mostly been in my confidence, my overall mood, and in my sleep.  It may seem silly… but I already feel…. Healthier. 

I’m not perfect, and I know that.  THIS time, I am not setting crazy goals, or insane restrictions.  I understand that life happens.  I have just made a promise to myself to try to be better to myself.  To be a better mom, and a better wife.  And sometimes that means doing something to take care of myself.  Some days I will be more successful than others.  But one bad day does not negate all of the good days.  I am strong, and getting stronger every day – physically, mentally, and spiritually. 

I.  CAN.  DO.  THIS. 

We Interrupt your regularly scheduled programming....

I did it.  Yesterday, I drank all my water.  I fasted, said NO to Halloween candy and cookies, and I worked out today.  I am doing it.  I am being successful.  But I don’t want to talk about it.  Today, this is going to take a different turn to a different topic entirely. 

 

Today, I want to talk about sexual assault.  Scary words – I know – but these words have been said quite a bit this summer.  This summer was the Brock Turner case.  It was election season, and the leaked Trump tapes.  It was when two different documentaries were posted on Netflix – Audrie and Daisy, and The Hunting Grounds.  I have watched both documentaries in the last 24 hours – and I cannot be quiet. 

 

I am sick.  I am disgusted.  I am scared.  I am heartbroken.  Audrie and Daisy followed the story of two young girls in entirely different parts of the country who shared a similar story.  They were both sexually assaulted by boys from school, and then were bullied mercilessly for it in person and on social media.  Audrie committed suicide.  Daisy attempted suicide multiple times, but thankfully, was not successful.  Daisy’s family was also tormented, and their house was burned down by arsonists trying to run them out of town.  These were 14 and 15 year old girls that were attacked.  FOURTEEN YEARS OLD.  I have a 14 year old daughter - this could just as easily be her. 

 

The Hunting Ground followed two survivors that have become activists in speaking out against the lack of response to sexual assault claims by colleges and universities nationwide.  You heard story after story of young women being attacked, reporting it, and at best – nothing happens, and at worst – the blame is turned on the victim.  The closing statistic in the film says that if changes are not made, 100,000 students will be sexually assaulted in the upcoming school year. 

 

I don’t understand these people that blame the victims.  I really don’t.  Put the same circumstances under any other crime, and what would happen? 

 

Rape – well, she was drunk and was wearing a short skirt - what did she think was going to happen?   

Robbery – well, the bank had all that money in the back – what did they think was going to happen?

Kidnapping – well, the kid was wearing onesie footie pajama's – what did they think was going to happen?

Murder – well, he was in the mall when that shooter walked in – what did they think was going to happen?

 

You don’t blame the robbery victim for being robbed.  You don’t blame the kidnapped child for the kidnapping.  You don’t blame the murder victim for being murdered.  You blame the people that commit the crimes.  THEY are the criminals – not the victims.  So why is it okay to blame the victim when it comes to a sex crime?

 

We live in a society that allows this to happen.  We look the other way.  We change the subject.  We ignore the issue.  We continue to send our children to schools that will not protect them.  We watch a judge – an elected official – tell Brock Turner that while what he did is bad – the accusation was punishment enough.  This poor kid had a bright future, and now he’s a convicted sex offender.  BOO HOO.  He fucking should be.  He drug a women behind a dumpster and assaulted her.  We continue to go to college and professional sporting events, knowing that the players have been accused of sexual assault – some on MULTIPLE OCCASIONS.  A quick Google search showed that there are currently 44 NFL players that have been accused of sexual assault.  WE KNOW these names and stories.  Brock Turner.  Jameis Winston.  The Duke lacrosse players.  The Baylor football team.  It goes on and ON  AND ON. 

 

Part of the issue is that the majority of victims don’t report the crimes.  I am one of those people.  I didn’t report it.  I didn’t tell anyone – for years.  I was afraid.  I still am afraid.  There are so many people that don’t know my story – and I don’t want them to.  My mom, one of my sisters, and a few of my close friends know.  My husband knows.  I still have flashbacks.  I still have nightmares.  And there are still people that don’t believe me.  I have dealt with it – and continue to do so – but stories like this bring it all back.  It’s all very trigger-y for me, which reminds me that we need to do better.  We need to stand by the victims.  We need to believe them.  We need to hold those responsible for their actions. We need to do better for our children.  We need others to do better for our children. 

 

I have 3 young beautiful women that will be heading to college over the next 4 years – two nieces and my step-daughter.  We hope the world for our kids – we want the world to be better for them than it was for us.  I want them to go to the schools of their dreams – and get a good, quality education in the field of their choice.  I want them to be safe on campus, and know that if anything (God forbid) ever happens – that they will be taken care of.  That schools and law enforcement do right by them and their peers.  We cannot remain quiet.  We cannot allow this to continue.  There are currently over 100 schools that are under investigation for Title IX violations.  There are 5 schools in the State of Ohio alone.  This isn’t something that is happening somewhere else.  It is happening right here - In our schools, to our daughters, sisters, mothers, co-workers, friends and the quiet lady at the coffee shop who doesn’t talk much.  It’s everywhere – and it has to stop. 

 

Stealing from The Hunting Ground – To learn how you can support survivors, help pass legislation, and hold schools accountable, go to SeeActStop.org, or ItsOnUs.org.

 

My name is Rebecca Chupka, and I am a SURVIVOR of sexual assault. 

Day One of the "Forever" Challenge.

I hate her. 

I ask her what kind of Challenge we are doing - and she says forever.  REALLY?  I'm having issues with a week a time - and she wants to call it Forever.  She, by the way, would be Shelby.  She is my partner in crime on this little journey - so you'll be hearing about her more often.  Welcome to the party. 

I don't like the "Forever Challenge"... so it will be re-named, as soon as I am witty enough to come up with a name. 

I weighed in this morning at 255.8.  I took my measurements, and have been drinking my water.  Today is a fast day - so I get about 500 calories today.  I am going to the store on lunch today - pick up water, food for the next few days, a jump rope and some new work out clothes - plus I will be walking around the store rather than eating. 

I REALLY am going to try to do better...  Below are the goals I have set for myself for this week (Just a reminder). 

 

1.)    Take “Before” Pictures

2.)    Weigh in each Monday morning and take measurements.

3.)    Work out 3 days each week for at least 30 minutes

4.)    Fast 2 days of each week for the next 4 weeks

5.)    NO eating out for lunch during the work week

6.)    Stay within calorie target of 1850 to 2100

Here WE GO!

 

A Year From Now...

Well – guess what.  Here I am again, with ZERO news to report.  I was so excited the day I wrote my last post, and then… nothing.  Literally nothing.  I haven’t counted calories once.  I haven’t worked out once.  I did weigh myself, and that made me want to eat my feelings. 

 

And so here we are, a month later, and another 2 pounds heavier.  I am so disgusted and frustrated with myself – but I’m here.  I have a friend at work who feels the same, and is ready to do something about it.  We are going to do this together – we’re going to be Workout/weight loss buddies.  Someone to commiserate with, to work-out with, to keep me accountable, and I’ll be that person for her. 

 

We have decide to start on Monday.  I am also going to go back to the 5:2.  We agreed we would work out 3 days a week together, pack everyday (so we wouldn’t be tempted to go out to eat with someone else) and be available for moments of weakness via text.  We also agreed to commit to at least 30 days – as that is supposedly the length of time it takes to form a new habit. 

 

The only thing that I am adding to that at this point, is to write it down.  I will write it  here, but I am also writing it down to have copies hanging at my desk at work, and on the fridge at home.  I read that if you write your goals down, you are 50% more likely to achieve them than someone who doesn’t write them down.  So here they are:

 

1.)    Take “Before” Pictures

2.)    Weigh in each Monday morning and take measurements.

3.)    Work out 3 days each week for at least 30 minutes

4.)    Fast 2 days of each week for the next 4 weeks

5.)    NO eating out for lunch during the work week

6.)    Stay within calorie target of 1850 to 2100

 

I have been doing this for too long.  I have been fighting this battle for too long.  For TOO MANY years, I have looked to a quote for inspiration.  It really resonates with me - because it is so true. I know that from the many years I have been fighting.  "A year from now, you'll wish you started today".  I wish I stuck to it 8 years ago - 5 years ago - a year ago, 6 months ago, last month.  I wish I had done it differently.  I wish I had stuck to it - stuck with it.  I wish I had believed in myself more, thought more of myself and my worth. 

 

So here we are again - and maybe this time next year, I won't have to wish I had already started. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Anniversary to me!!

So today is the one year anniversary of my quitting smoking.  A WHOLE YEAR. 

It’s not even hard.  Yes – there are some days that I dream about smoking (usually when I have a migraine) – but for the most part – it’s like I never smoked in my life.  And while I am SO SUPER PROUD of myself – it came with a glaring price – a whopping 22 pounds. 

That’s right.  I gained 22 pounds since this day last year.  There may have been other contributing factors – change in birth control, change in migraine meds, lack of diet, exercise, and discipline – but 22 pounds nonetheless. 

So while I’m in a good mood – I think I’ll keep this anniversary/momentum/success thing going – and try to start again today to get my weight under control.  I fell off the 5:2 thing a while ago – I don’t really even know how or why – I just kinda stopped doing it.  I got on a kick where I was going to the gym a few days a week on my lunch break – and that fell off too.  I had a week of migraines, and then… well.  You know.  I try to drink water for the most part – but I have started keeping Diet Dr. Pepper in the house for when I just HAVE to have something. 

I’m there.  I want to – I’m aware of it.  I think about doing it all the right way – and I just make the wrong choices – because it’s easy to make the wrong choice.  Today is an acknowledgement of that.  I make the wrong choices, and I make excuses, and I know that I am doing it when I do it.  And it’s time to stop – or start – depending on how you look at it.

I know I have a habit of trying to do too much too soon.  But I don’t really know any other way to do it.  If I say I’m only making small changes here and here – then I end up going overboard there and there, and I justify it to myself by saying – well, I stuck to what I said…  It just doesn’t work.  Not for me anyway.  I have tried the monthly challenges – and never make it past the first week, if I make it that far. 

This is when I start doing some soul-searching, and reliving some of my history.  What works and what hasn’t?  Where have I been successful, and where have I failed?  If I’m 100% honest with myself, what do I love and hate?  What are foods that I just can’t say no to?  And then we draw some lines in the sand. 

If I’m honest – I love the IDEA of running – but I don’t really LOVE running.  And winter is coming, and I don’t like the cold or running on a treadmill.  And maybe once I get down to a more manageable weight, I will enjoy it more – but for now – NO.  No C25Ks this time around.  Maybe in the spring, we can re-visit.  I do enjoy lifting weights – but not sure that only lifting is the best option for me right now. 

If I go back, and really think about it – the most successful I have ever been was using Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred.  It’s 30 minutes, and I can do it at home.  It makes the excuse thing hard to do.  I have a TV and I spend more than 30 minutes at my house every day.  I should be able to manage that.  Not should – WILL.  I WILL MANAGE THAT.   If I decide to go to the gym during work – I will do the 30 minute circuit training (like days we have the kids where I’m running around crazy and don’t get home until 9 at night). 

As for food – I need to be honest with myself here too.  I am horrible at counting calories.  I’ve used MFP for years – and 9 times out of 10, I ignore the alert reminding me to  log my calories for the day.  It’s easy to do – I’m just lazy!  I really need to make an effort here, and be aware of what I am putting in my body.  I have the app on my phone, and I really am going to try to do better.  I also need to get back to just flat out making better choices.  I need to chill out on the fast food and eating out.  I will cut that back to once a week.  The rest of the days I need to pack my lunch, and have frozen meals at home ready to go.  I need to spend Sundays prepping food for the week – and get rid of those excuses as well.  No more “There’s nothing to eat – I’ll just make Nachos”. 

One more thing to be honest about – I am  horrible at consistently checking in here.  I will try to do better there too. 

I’ve stopped one thing that would have killed me – now it’s time to attack another.  Obesity will not be the death of me.    There are 16 weeks to the New Year – if I lose 2 pounds per week from now until then – I can hit the New Year 32 pounds lighter.  If I lose 3 pounds per week – that jumps to 48.  I could be in ONEderland by January.  I just have to commit.  That’s it. 

I have drawn my line in the sand.  Happy Anniversary to me.

5:2 Week Two Update

Today is day 2 of week 3 of 5:2.  I hate to call it a diet – because it doesn’t feel like one.  I have now been through 5 Fasting days – and they get easier each time.  Last night I didn’t really even feel hungry until almost 8.  I had a protein shake – and I was fine.  I ate a bowl of cereal a bit later to try to get my calories up – but that was it.  I went to bed full and content.  As of today, I am down 12.5 lbs., and lost 5.25 inches overall.  My jeans are starting to fit a little bit more loose, my belly is just a bit flatter, and my love handles don’t seem as pronounced. 

I got my book in the mail, and it was surprisingly an easy read.  I was floored by the information – the studies, the scientific evidence of why it works – it all makes sense.  I’m sure all of the other diets have research to support them – but as a perpetual dieter – this one actually works.  I am seeing results, and changes in my body composition.  It’s pretty amazing actually, and I will be sticking with this one for the foreseeable future.  Below is the book – and a link to it on Amazon. 

 

http://www.amazon.com/FastDiet-Revised-Updated-Healthy-Intermittent/dp/150110201X?ie=UTF8&psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00

As far as working out - I went to the gym on lunch one day last week, and did C25k on the treadmill.  Other than that, I didn’t really work out.  Thursday is my fast day, and Friday I had a lunch date, and the kids after work.  I volunteered at my brother’s golf outing on Sunday, which I thought was going to be a LOT more exercise than it was.  I would like to get to the gym a few times this week, and I have a 5k on Saturday with the kiddos.  I am still working on trying to run the entire way – so I plan to turn on my C25k app, and try to work with the intervals to get through the 5k.  I KNOW I’m not ready to run the whole thing – considering I haven’t been training for these runs since last fall. 

Wish us luck!

5:2 Week One Update

We are now on day 3 of the 5:2 Fast Diet… and so far, I’m impressed.  Monday was hard.  I decided to start this halfway through the morning, and I had already burned through 175 calories on my delicious coffee.  When you only have 500 calories to work with… that’s a lot to burn on coffee.  I used up the remaining calories with two protein shakes (which never tasted so good before…) and half of a raw cucumber.  I MADE myself go to bed – growling stomach and all – so that I wouldn’t eat anything else.  Seriously – I was so close to binging I put myself in timeout. 

Surprisingly, day two was absolutely normal.   I didn’t wake up starving.  I felt like I had more energy throughout the day, and ate like I normally would.  I didn’t eat more than I normally do, in fact, I stayed just over 1600 calories yesterday – which was actually below what I was allowed.  I weighed myself yesterday morning, and had dropped an astonishing 6 pounds.  I thought for sure it was all water weight (and it still may be), but after weighing in again this morning, I hadn’t put it back on.  In fact, I lost three more ounces.  I don’t plan to weigh in everyday once I really get into this – but I kinda want to this first week – just to watch the day to day changes. 

Today is another “normal” day.  I get to eat and exercise normally.  I am trying to stick with my normal routine – a protein shake on the way to work, coffee once I get to the office, water throughout the day, and a protein shake for lunch.  Today, I had my shake, and went shopping at a consignment store.  I picked out a few things in a size I JUST bought last week, and went to the dressing room.  I know that sizes very from brand to brand – but these weren’t even close.  Nothing fit, and I cried.  Then I stood in front of that mirror – wiped away my tears - and took pictures of myself in just a bra and panties.  And THAT is the ugly truth.  So ugly in fact – I won’t be sharing.  First – not sure my husband would be really happy about it, second – Its quite embarrassing.  I will take some pics in workout clothes and post those instead.  I will however keep those pictures as motivation, and as a reminder of what I don’t want to be. 

I REFUSE to buy a larger size – because I won’t be like this for long.  Instead, I am using the money I was planning on spending on clothes, and getting my Planet Fitness Membership.  There is a location 5 minutes from the house, and another one 5 minutes from the office.  I allowed myself my 3 minutes for my pity-party, and to cry over my reflection, and now it’s time to get over it.  I am ALREADY trying to do something about it – so why cry?  Turn the tears into sweat and determination, and make a change. 

Tomorrow is my next fast day – which I can now prepare for.  I already miss my coffee tomorrow, so I am going to have my vanilla cappuccino protein shake as a replacement. 

This only the beginning.  Stay tuned!

EPIC FAIL / 5:2

Okay – so here we go.

I have not been good.  At ANY of my April goals.  Let’s recap. 

·         Complete the 30 day Water Challenge – which is to drink half my weight in ounces of water each day.  That’s 126 ounces of water every day for the next 34 days.  FAIL.  I have been better at this than other things, but definitely have not met this daily goal. 

·         Coffee and Water only for the month – No soft drinks, beer, wine etc.  A Gatorade is acceptable IF I have a migraine.  FAIL.  I’ve had beer – which I planned for.  But I’ve had my margarita mix, a few Pepsi’s and a glass of wine or two.  I did finally replace the Pepsi with a Crystal Light Raspberry Lemonade.  I can do that.  5 calories, and no extra sugars… I don’t feel so guilty about it. 

·         Complete the squat/push-up challenge (follow calendar) EPIC FAIL.  I did one day. ONE.  FUCKING.  DAY. 

·         Exercise 3 days a week – either run or do a video (30 day shred, Zumba, Yoga, etc.) FAIL.  I walked for a few days – then the weather took a turn for the worse… and FAIL.  I have not ran once, nor have a done a workout DVD. 

·         NO fast food.  Period.  FAIL.  While I’ve been pretty good at this, I have eaten out a few times. 

·         Take before/after pics  FAIL. 

·         Lose 10 pounds  FAIL.  Well, the month isn’t over yet, but if I make it, it will be a miracle.  I’ve actually gained according to this morning’s weigh in.  4.7 pounds since 03/28. 

·         Try to eat at 1600 calories (plus exercise cals) each day  FAIL.  I haven’t even been logging my calories.  A few days – maybe.  This past week – I couldn’t tell you, but I’d be surprised if my numbers were that low. 

So, as you can see, I’m doing pretty good.  EPIC FAIL!!!

Here’s the thing about me.  I get really excited about something, and I stick to it, for like, a week.  Maybe two.  And then – it’s like running into a concrete wall.  It just stops.  The drive, the motivation, everything.  And I eat a bag of Dorito’s at 11pm on a Tuesday.  Why?  Because I’m bored.  And they’re delicious.  DAMNIT.  I don’t like the fad diets.  Everyone believes in something else.  Try Weight Watchers… Try Atkins… Try combining the both and see what works for you.  Don’t eat carbs.  Don’t eat meat.  Don’t eat vegetables.  Don’t eat processed food, or sugar, or gluten, or food.  It’s overwhelming. 

Now – let’s talk about the Depo shot.  The best worst thing that I’ve ever done.  I’ve been on the shot since October.  While I don’t have exact numbers (I need to ask my Dr. for these) I know in September (21^st) I weighed in at 232.4.  I received the second shot in January, and the third last Friday.  Today I weighed in at 255.9  - a new 8 year record for me.  That is a 23.5 pound difference.  I know I quit smoking during that same time frame  - so some of the weight could be smoking related – but that is hardly the point.  23.5 fucking pounds.  I hate myself.  How much is the shot?  How much is the smoking?  And how much is me being a lazy ass that eats entirely too god-damned much?

And then yesterday happened.  Yesterday was my Mom’s birthday, and we all went to dinner to celebrate.  And there is my picture-happy sister taking 100+ pictures of all of us.  And then she posted them on Facebook.  And then reality set in.  It was the first day nice enough that I wore a sleeveless shirt.  I seriously regret that now.  The shirt was new – size XL – and it was tight on my chest.  Then there’s the arms.  OMG THE ARMS!!!  I would also like to add that my sister doesn’t use photo shop.  What you see is what you get.  I.  HATE.  MY.  BODY.  I am disgusted and embarrassed by these photos – and I wish she would take them down.

 

 

So – where am I going with this?  I have a new plan – or at least one that I am going to try.  I had read a while ago an interview that Jimmy Kimmel had done where he was asked about his weight loss.  He said that he was doing the 5:2 diet.  That he was mean on the 2 days, and ate like a glutton on the 5 days.  I had no idea what it meant – and the article didn’t go into much detail.  Then today, the Business Insider published an article on the Fast Diet, aka the 5:2.  The basic gist of it is this:  You fast for 2 days of the week, cutting your calorie intake to ¼ of what it normally is – usually to about 400-500 calories.  The other 5 days – you eat like you normally would.  I was intrigued, so I started looking around.  I have not seen much negative feedback on this – but a LOT of positive.  And I feel – because of my current eating habits – that this is actually something I could sustain. 

http://www.businessinsider.com/facts-and-science-about-the-fast-diet-2016-4?utm_content=buffer39dfb&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

So I’m giving it a shot.  I ordered the book, and I’m doing my first fast day today.  And if it doesn’t work – I’m getting OFF the depo shot in 3 months.    I can’t keep gaining.  I just can’t...

Mid- Week Progress update

This week has and hasn’t been difficult.  Some things were easy to drop, or pick up.  Others have been much more difficult.  I’ve been using protein shakes as a meal replacement for my breakfast and lunch.  It’s been easy to drink more water – it’s been harder to pass on the Pepsi.  This only seems to bother me a dinner time though.  It’s been hard to ignore the Easter Baskets filled with all the chocolatey goodness – but so far, I’ve been successful.  I haven’t eaten out – but it has only been two days.  The first night, I had leftovers – which wasn’t the greatest choice ever.  I ended up over my calorie goal by about 275 calories.  Yesterday I was under my calorie goal.  The days have to balance out, right?

I’ve been using 30 minutes of my lunch to walk each day – just to try to get some extra steps in.  I missed the squat/pushup challenge last night.  I can honestly say I thought about it multiple times, but never did it.  Now, the plan is to double up tonight.  I did get 72 minutes of walking in  - and got my husband and our dogs to go with me for our evening walk.  My Fitbit says I took 7,088 steps yesterday.  I am going to try to beat that number a little bit each day – with the eventual goal of hitting 10k steps daily.  Its supposed to be beautiful here today.  I am hoping to try to get a run in tonight, in addition to my double dose of squats and pushups. 

So far – my biggest issue has been saying NO to the mindless snacking at night when I’m bored or watching TV.  I don’t need it.  I’m not even hungry.  But I want it.  I crave it.  I get depressed and even irritable about it.  I keep telling myself that I’m detoxing or something.  Its craving sugars or carbs – or just having something to do with my hands.  I’ve been able to say no so far – but it’s something I really struggle with.  I am also assuming that this is something that will get easier with time. 

I want so very badly to get on the scale.  I want to be below 250.  I want to see that the changes I’ve been making are doing something.  But I don’t want to know.  I don’t want to weigh myself only to find that there is no change – or worse – an increase.  It’s a double edged sword.  Oh – and it’s only been two days.  But I’m impatient – and I want results yesterday.  But this is real life, and not a reality TV show.  I don’t have a personal chef cooking for me, or 8-10 hours a day to spend at the gym, or a personal trainer  in my face keeping me focused.  I only have me and my reflection, and I’ve already said I don’t get along with the reflection in the mirror.  So it’s just me.  And I’m human.  And I keep putting off taking a “Before” picture.  That’s one reality I just don’t want to face.  And one more that I just need to. 

I’m a work in progress.