I had good intentions....

Today, I am reminded that the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  My last workout was Thursday night.  Remember the crazy-person-talking-to-herself-about-lime-Jello-legs post?  Yeah.  The one where I thought I was going to die?  Yeah. 

So I came up with this great plan.  I've been so sore, and feeling like I've been pushing too hard on my "off" days, do I decided to give Yoga a try.  I did a lot of research on all the 87 million types of yoga.  And each type of Yoga has your choice of hundreds of different instructors.  Do I need a mat?  Do I need blocks?  Or are they called bricks?  What is a Yoga belt?  Is that required? 

All of my research led me to this:  I still don't fucking know.  I thought Yoga was supposed to be relaxing?!?!?  This is just stressful.  Wuh. 

So, I finally decided I liked the guy Rodney Yee.  AND he just so happens to have a Yoga video designed strictly for athletes - with specific segments just for runners.   BINGO BANGO.  Just what I need.  Maybe he'll fix my damn legs so I can keep attempting the running thing.  I had all of Friday evening planned out - including stopping at the store to get my DVD and a Yoga mat.  I figured the rest could wait to see if I really need them.  Then I could do W3D2 on Saturday, maybe W3D3 on Sunday, and be caught up by today...  Yep, everything was perfect, until my migraine hit, and I felt like I got nailed in the side of the head with a brick. 

I ended up on the couch, not eating dinner, and going to bed early.  Saturday, Matt let me sleep in a bit.  When I did finally roll out of bed, I took all of about 3 steps, and the room started spinning.  I eased my way to the couch and sat down.  Still spinning.  Matt thought maybe my blood sugar was low, so he brought me a fudge bar.  Then an apple with some peanut butter.  Still spinning. 

I have never been that dizzy in my entire life.  Matt wanted me to go to the ER, but I opted for some Dramamine instead.  It knocked me out, and I was back asleep.  He woke me up at 4 in the afternoon.  I had slept 17 of the last 19 hours.  We had plans that night for his sister's birthday.  I thought I was feeling better, so I decided to go.  I was wrong.  The dizziness did not stop.  I spent my time in the car laying down, my time at dinner staring at one particular spot on the wall - trying to make the room stand still, and my time at the casino sitting on the side of a slot machine. 

I took more Dramamine when we got home.  I slept until noon the next day.  I woke up, took more medicine, and this time, slept until 5:30.  Last night, it came and went.  There were times that I felt fine, and times where I needed to either sit or lay down.  After talking to a few people, I honestly think I just have an inner ear infection.  I've only had 1 or 2 spells today - NOTHING like this weekend.  If it gets worse, or doesn't clear up in a few days, then I'll go to the doctor. 

What this means for my workouts - I don't know.  I AM going to the gym tonight.  I AM going to try W3D2.  But I am going to have to be very careful.  If for one second I get dizzy, I'm calling it quits.  A moving floor + a spinning room = disaster.  I know I may be better off to just wait, but I can't.  I know me.  If I don't get back today - going tomorrow will be even harder.  I HAVE to stay on a routine, or I fall off the wagon way too easily.  Plus, I am pissed.  I am a FULL week behind on my workouts now.  I should be starting W4D1 today, and instead I will only be attempting W3D2.  It's discouraging. 

Plus - when I have downtime like this, it gets me thinking, and doubting myself.  3 times last week - THREE TIMES - I either read or was told that someone that weighs as much as I do shouldn't be running.  That until I get into a "normal" weight range, I am doing more harm than good.  That for right now, I should only be walking, not jogging.  That I am doing irreversable damage to my joints.  And that my weight is the reason my muscles hurt so bad.  That instead of my normal 222 pounds of pressure I normally put on my knees and ankles, it feels like 666 pounds to my joints.  It is going to take me a LONG time to get to "normal".  Right now, at 222 pounds, I am in the "Obese" category.  I am no where near "normal". 

Then there's the weight lifting.  Or should I say, lack there of.  I haven't been lifting.  Its not that I don't want to - because I do.  I enjoy lifting weights.  It's just that I ususally don't have time to do both when I go to the gym.  And with my little amout of time, I usually opt - okay - always opt for C25k, because I've made this stupid committment to myself to actually finish this program this time. 

I get so frustrated, and so upset, and so confused, that I just want to quit!.  I really do.  Like - really, really, want to quit.  But the skinny person inside of me is SCREAMING at the top of her lungs.  If I hadn't quit this time last year - i'd already be there.  That a year from now, I'll wish I hadn't of quit... again.  So how do I stay on track?  How do I continue without injuring myself, or feeling like a quitter?

So now, I am left with a choice.  Do I stop putting this ridiculous amount of pressure on myself about C25K, and try something else?  Do I start walking and make lifting weights a priority?  I am honestly at a crossroads right now.  I don't know which way to go.