Failure...

Last night, I straight got called out.

Matt and I were sitting together after we put the kids to bed, talking about our days. I was telling him about the weigh in at work, and how impressive I thought my 8 week stats were. He agreed, then casually mentioned that I need to continue going to the gym. He said that he can really tell when I've been going to the gym, and that I hadn't been in a while. I started explaining why I haven't been this week - and he told me I was making excuses. Everything I named, he retorted with "Excuse". I started getting defensive, and snapping back at him. He told me that many weeks ago - I had asked him to do this. To keep me in check when I started slipping. I told him my logic behind not having enough "fuel" to workout, when I hadn't been eating as much as I need to. Then he threw my diet into the mix. That I don't eat enough, or at the right times - and by doing this, it's easier for me to excuse myself from working out. He said that he was only doing what I asked him to do - that he wants to see me reach my goals, and be happy and proud of myself.

My feelings were so hurt. I love him more than anything in this whole world. He is my biggest supporter, and nothing that he said was ill-natured or meant to hurt me, only to keep me on track. I am SO stressed out right now.  I have a million things going on in my head. I am so busy all the time. I get up at 5 every morning, leave by 6, at work by 7, work until 3:30, home by 4:30. Then it's kids, and dinner, and activities, and homework, and bath time and bed time. Not to mention the cleaning, and cooking and laundry. I usually don't sit down until 9 or 9:30 at night. This past week - and other times - I have been so exhausted that when I do sit down - that's it. I ain't getting back up.  He (unintentionally) made me feel lazy last night, because I didn't want to go to the gym at 9:30. 

 

 Am I? Am I lazy because I am not forcing myself to work out? Should I still be working out on the days I haven't eaten anything? Should I be going to the gym at 9:30, not getting home until 11, and only getting 5 hours of sleep a night? Then I started thinking... Other people do it. I'm not the only working mom out there that is trying to lose weight and become healthier for my family. So how does everyone else do it - because right now, I feel like a complete failure.

 

Matt didn't do anything wrong - in fact, he did EXACTLY what I asked him to, and then apologized for it.  And I hope he continues to do it, because it gave me the kick in the ass I needed. 

The fact is, I AM making excuses - because I am SO fucking tired all the time. ALL the time. I could literally lay my head down on my desk right now and be OUT. I'm too tired to cook for myself, and I won't "cheat" by eating fast food - so I don't eat. I sleep an extra 10 minutes in the morning, and as a result, don't have time to pack my lunch. I sit down on the couch at night to try to spend a few minutes with Matt, and 10 minutes later I am sleeping. I'm not spending time with him. I'm so tired that I'm irritated all the time, and the kids get most of my frustration - cause they are driving me CRAZY. I feel like a horrible mom - like I don't spend enough time with them, just playing and reading and coloring. And I don't get to do those things because they are always mad at me. I feel like because I am the one that disciplines them, that I am always the bad guy, and ANY and everyone else is the good guy.  And then everyone over rules me, because everyone else has a better title than I do. I'm not Mom, or Grandma or Dad or Papa.  So in the end, I feel like I am honestly wasting my time even trying to discipline them because they get to do what they want to do anyway.  And all that makes me second guess myself about how I am trying to raise these kids when they are in my care. 

I am not focused at work, my house is a wreck, and the laundry is piled up. I am CONSTANTLY afraid that I am doing the wrong thing. I'm eating too much. I'm not eating enough. I need cardio. I need weights. I can do C25K. I can't do C25k. I should be walking. I should be doing the elliptical. I should be doing the arc trainer. I should be doing zumba. I should be doing the 30DS. I should be doing yoga. I should be doing body weight exercises. I can do it at home. I am going to the gym. I'm not going to the gym.

I'm going to pull my hair out. I have put so much pressure on myself to be perfect. The perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect employee, the perfect cook, the perfect maid, to have the perfect body... And I'm failing miserably in every aspect. I know that I am letting myself down every time I make an excuse not to go. But now I feel this additional pressure, because I don't want to fail, and right now I am barely keeping my head above water. I haven't been to the gym in a week. A WEEK! And I've done nothing at home either.  I feel like I'm not living up to my own (and other's) expectations.   

 

So - just to condense everything for you... I want to be perfect at everything, and I'm not. I don't shop.  I don't cook.  I don't clean.  I don't do laundry.  I yell at my kids - who hate me for it, and don't listen anyway.  I don't spend time with my husband.  I suck at work, at working out, at managing my home, and at being a mom.  I don't take care of myself - which people that know me can tell by my daily appearance.   And I don't do any of this because I am fat and lazy and tired.  ALL.  THE.  TIME. 

 

So how do I fix it?  Sitting down - ever - is apparently NOT an option.  I am going to have to use every single second of time not at work focusing on my home and my family.  I am tired of disappointing everyone - most of all, myself.  Obviously, working out in the evenings is NOT working for me. The only thing I can think to do is to start getting up in the mornings and going to the gym before work. What scares me is, I've tried that before. And I was NEVER able to get out of bed in the morning to make myself go. And I don't know how to change that.

 

I don't know how to change any of this - but I have to try.  I can't keep beating myself up like this.

 

This message has been sponsored by seasonal depression - because it's just too fucking cold to do anything. 

 

<3 FatGirl