C25K - You're FIRED.

It's been a while - really.  It's been 11 days since I have been to the gym, or done any kind of a workout, honestly.  I really just needed some time to adjust, to think, and to figure out what I really want out of all of this.  I had a major meltdown last week - and it took a few days to recover from that, both mentally and emotionally.  Then, this weekend was rough.  It was Matt's birthday Friday - and he was NOT in a good mood – which in the end I realized was all my fault.  It seemed to be a common theme for the weekend, with a few good spots here and there.  It was a little bit of fun, and a LOT of stress, hurt feelings, and anxiety.  It also meant a lot of food that normally not on the menu for me - Chinese, hamburgers, cake, beer... nomnomnom – all the things a FatGirl loves.  I think I went over Friday AND Saturday (I think, because I didn’t actually log my food).  It should all even out for the week though, because of the extreme deficits I carried most of last week.  I just need to get back on the water train to get all this sodium out of my system before Wednesday's weigh in. 

I laid awake for hours last night.  Seriously, I may have gotten two hours of sleep.  I just had too much on my mind.  I thought obsessively about the weekend, and what I had done wrong.  I thought about all the things I was so upset about last week.  I thought about my weight loss, and my workouts, and my diet and my wedding.  And more about the weekend.  I really screwed up – and I knew better.  I feel more like shit today than I did last week.  The only reason I was able to get to sleep was because I came up with a plan to fix all of it.  I think. 

Tonight, it's back to the gym I go.  And I'm not positive C25K is going to be a part of my workout, per-say.  Here's the thing... I like C25k.  But I have put far too much pressure on myself to complete this.  I finally realized why I have been avoiding the gym, and avoiding my workouts.  It all comes down to C25K.  Last round, I got to W5D3, and couldn’t complete it.  This time, I got to W4D1 – and couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Why?  Because I am afraid of it.  I am afraid of failing, and quitting like I did last time.  LAST time when I failed – I quit – period.  I quit trying.  I quit working out.  I quit eating right – all because I felt like I couldn’t accomplish my goals, because I couldn’t complete C25K.  And I gained 25 pounds back in a matter of months. 

That then led to this question: WHY do I feel I have to complete a 5K to be active?  Why do I have to run 3.6 miles to work out?  Why can’t I do any of the other MILLION things there are to do to work out?  Seriously – get on MFP just ONE day, and look at all the different things my friends are doing.  Running.  Lifting weights.  The Arc Trainer.  Zumba.  Yoga.  Stationary bikes.  Body weight exercises.  Fitness challenges.  Etc. etc. etc...  Some people eat 1200 calories.  Some people eat 2800.  Some are on weight watchers, or paleo, or whatever!  WHY must I make myself do ONE thing every time I work out – especially ONE thing I’ve NEVER been able to do!!!  It’s insane.  And what’s the definition of insanity?  Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results!

I need different results.  I need to stop the insanity, and the anxiety about my fear of failure.  So here’s the NEW plan.  MOVE.  That’s it.  Just move.  3 times a week.  For 60 minutes.  Get to the gym, or the TV and do some form of cardio for 30 minutes.  Stationary bike?  SURE.  Arc Trainer?  Why not?  C25k intervals?  Yep.  Can’t get to the gym?  Zumba it is. Or the 30DS.  Or Yoga.  WHATEVER.  Just move!!!  Then, 30 minutes of strength training. 5x5?  YES.  Six pack March, or Kick Ass April?  I want to try it!  Can’t get to the gym?  Body weight exercises, like push-ups and planks.  DO IT.  Do IT.  For 60 minutes, 3 times a week – any day of the week, just as long as I get my 3 workouts in.  Any busy mom can adhere to a schedule THAT flexible, right? 

As far as the rest of it goes – I have to remind myself constantly that NO ONE is perfect.  I’ll clean the house when I can.  I’ll do laundry when I can.  As long as we have clean dishes and socks – it’s all good.  Everyone screws up as a parent, and we all have different ways of parenting.  I am not immune to that.  I just have to do what I think is best for my kids – and hope like hell they turn out as normal, functional members of society.  If that happens, then I did okay, right?  And as far as this weekend goes – you live and you learn.  I can’t take it back, or go fix what has already happened.  I learned a lesson, as a girlfriend and a wife – to NOT listen to my husband when it comes to his birthday. 

The last thing that I’ve come to realize is this.  NOT working out has affected everything in my life in the last two weeks.  I am more stressed out, more on edge, more depressed, and have less energy.  I have all this shit built up inside of me, and no way to release it.  And the stress levels have not changed.  I always feel like this.  Shit is always screwed up at work, at home, with the kids, etc.  The only thing that was different in the last two weeks was my lack of exercise.  So tonight, I am hitting the gym – or my house, depending on soccer, and burning some of this frustration and anxiety and depression and stress off.  I need release, and a few quiet, hot, sweaty, feel the burn moments. 

And maybe – just maybe, I’ll feel like the FatGirl again.