Something's gotta give.

I had a great weekend. I really did. And then it all went to hell about 5:00 last night. Matt and I were on the way to Lil' Miss's soccer game. We were chatting in the car, and he asked if I was ready to be in a bathing suit in 6 weeks. The first week in June we are taking our annual friends trip to the lake. Obviously, I'm not ready - but what choice to I have? This is always a really hard weekend for me because all of my girlfriends (that are going on this trip) weigh about 90 pounds soaking wet. So, I think to myself - I'm obviously not going to be able to get to the "final" goal by then, but I can certainly step it up a bit.

I decided while we were at the game that come hell or high water, I was going to set up my home gym when I got home last night. I didn't have long before the kids would be home, so I would have to work quickly. As soon as I got home, I went straight to the basement. I quickly began moving this and that, shoving shit in corners and to the other side of the basement. Within a few minutes I had a large enough spot cleared off. I swept. I wiped down my "new" furniture. I set the TV up. I ran upstairs and got my DVD player. While Matt took care of all the wires and settings and stuff - I ran upstairs and started collecting all my workout stuff from various rooms of the house. DVDS. Weights. Yoga mat. Swiss ball thingy. Foam roller. OOOOhhhh - a desk fan!

I was so excited. I carried all the shit to the basement, turned the corner, and found Matt staring at me. It wasn't a good stare. "SPEAK! What's wrong!?!?" My DVD player is not working. It won't play. It wont even try to load the disk. It won't eject the disk inside. NOTHING. NO RESPONSE. The VCR side of the player works just fine. PERFECT. BECAUSE I DON'T OWN ONE FUCKING VHS TAPE!!! I was livid. I was sad. I was disappointed. The damn thing worked fine TWO DAYS AGO!!! What happened?!?! So now, I have my workout room. I just can't fucking use it.

Yes I can buy a new DVD player, and in fact, I already have (I pick it up today al Walmart) - but that's not the point. It's just my luck. Free TV? Free TV stand? Finally getting your workout room? NOPE. Nice fucking try. Now you have to go spend $50 dollars on a damn DVD player. Which I followed up with emotional eating - of tacos and nachos and a burrito and a Mt. Dew and fudge-cicles. At 10:00 at night.

My amazing mood carried over into this morning. My workout alarm goes off at 4:45am. What did I do? I turned that annoying thing off and went back to bed. That's right. Because I can't do my DVD. When I finally did get up for work at 5:30 - I was pissed at myself. I should have gotten up. I should have done something else - walked, run, something! When I got to work - I have my calendar staring at me. 117 days until the wedding. I get on the scale. 223.0 pounds. Next came a trail of obscenities that was a little much for even my foul mouth. I go back to the calendar. 17 weeks to the wedding. Even if I lose 2 pounds a week (34 pounds) that only puts me at 189. That's 25 pounds HEAVIER than I wanted to be. And that's IF I can lose 2 pounds a week. In the last 11 weeks I only lost 5 pounds .

This seems like an impossible feat. I feel defeated - I feel like giving up. But I know that giving up only guarantees one thing - that I will be just as fat, just as insecure - if not more so - when the day finally arrives. Obviously what I'm doing isn't working. Changes have to be made. So I go back to the basics. How does someone lose weight? By creating a calorie deficit. To lose 2 pounds per week, I need a 7000 calorie deficit per week, or 1000 calories per day. That puts me at 1260 calories per day. I need to NET that number - which means eating my exercise calories back.

And I'm sure every person I know is going to jump my shit for this - for cutting my calories the way that I am - but I have to do something. I'm giving it a shot. I gave everything else a shot. I tried the whole EMTWL or IPOARM thing for MONTHS - and this - where I am now - is a direct result of that. Yes - some things are smaller. I've lost a whopping 5 pounds. But I am still in the same clothes. I still have the same reflection in the mirror. I still have the same self hate and insecurities. I don't feel more energetic - in fact, I feel more depressed because I've tried so hard with no results.

So - I updated MFP. I changed my weight-loss ticker to start over. I haven't lost 68 pounds. I've lost 5. I updated my calories. And I bought a DVD player that will be ready for pickup by the time I get home from work. I joined a 30 day shred group today - all starting today - so I'm starting over. Plus, I'll be doing another challenge for May (same one as April). I created a page-a-day calendar for my workouts that tells me what all I have to do that day, and how many days until the wedding that I can hang up in my workout room.

I am sick and tired of hating myself and my body. I am sick of thinking to myself that Matt is lying to me when he tells me that I'm beautiful - or that this is the best I've ever looked. I want to see what everyone else sees. I want to change my own self perception. And in order for me to do that - I have to see that number on the scale change. I can't live like this anymore. I can't continue to be depressed and angry and on edge all the time. Something's gotta give.

FatGirl

Weekly AND Monthly Weigh-in Day!!!

It's Wednesday, and it's the first, so we get two for one with today's weigh in! Progress is progress, right? While I am not so happy about the actual number in pounds - I will be curious to see what next week brings.

Today, I weighed in at 221.0, but TOM is here. If history has anything to say about it, I am holding 5-6 pounds of water weight. As much as it sucks, I know I'm not getting a true reading of my weight on the scale today. I am actually showing a 1.4 pound GAIN.  BOO.  Trying to stay positive, I decided to check out my monthly measurements.  In the last month, I have lost a total of 5.5 inches, 1.4% body fat, 3.6 pounds of fat, and gained 5 pounds of lean mass. Again, the number is not where I want it, but considering the time of the month, and the other improvements I've made, I'll take it.

Then I decided to take it one step further.  I wonder what my results since the beginning are?!?  So I head back to my February 18th on my handy-dandy FatGirl weightloss tracker version 2.0.  I was surprised and impressed with myself.  Even if the number on the scale hasn't moved that much in a little over 2 months, I personally think the rest of the results are astounding.  6.6 pounds lost, 28.75 inches, 8.3% body fat, 22.3 pounds of fat mass, and a gain of 15.7 pounds of lean mass!  I will post the actual breakdown at the end of this post. 

I know that my body is changing.  Other people have started to comment on it, especially Matt.  And especially when I'm naked.  LOL  I don't really feel that different, or feel that I look that different, but I'm sure that will come eventually. 

In the meantime, Sunday, I started Day ONE of Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred in my new workout room in the basement.  Sunday began the countdown... 30 days to Memorial Day.  30 days to bathing suit season.  30 days until summer dresses, and shorts, and other clothes that don't cover fat well.  It's time to get down and get serious.  I have not missed a day.  I am going to spend 10 days at each level, upped my protein intake, and took before pictures.  I will use todays weigh in and measurements for my starting measurements, even though I am a few days late.   I am actually really excited to see what this month brings for me!

	Feb. 18th	Today!!!!	Results
Weight	227.6	221.0	-6.6
Neck	15	14.0	-1.0
Chest	43.5	43.5	-
Waist	39	34.0	-5.0
Abdomen (belly button)	45.0	37.5	-7.5
Hips	49.5	45.0	-4.5
Right Thigh	25.25	22.75	-2.5
Left Thigh	25.25	22.75	-2.5
Right Calf	17.5	15.5	-2.0
Left Calf	17.5	15.5	-2.0
Right Arm	12.0	11.5	-0.5
Left Arm	12.0	11.5	-0.5
Wrist	6.0	6.0	-
Forearm	9.75	9.0	.75
Body Fat %	46%	37.7%	-8.3%
Lean Body Mass	123.0	138.7	+15.7
Fat Body Mass	104.6	82.3	-22.3

Weigh in Day - and frustrated as shit.

Mother.  Fucker. 

SOMETHING is not right.  I don't know what it is, but I am NOT losing weight, and it's really starting to piss me off. 

Scratch that.  I know exactly what it is.  I haven't been working out.  I can make excuses all day - some of them being legitiment reasons, but bottom line is - I just haven't been doing it. 

Don't get me wrong.  Today's results were great.  I weighed in at 220.2 - which is a 4.2 pound loss from last week (and the week before).  I also lost 3.25 inches.  However - 4 weeks ago today, I weighed in at 220.6.  Three weeks ago, I was at 219.6.  When you look at in those terms - even though I had a 4.2 pound loss this WEEK - this month, I haven't actually lost anything.  In three months I've lost 7 pounds. 

I've given it time.  I've waited it out, and been patient and frustrated and pissed off.  I readjusted my goals on MFP.  I dropped my activity level when calculating my BMR.  It's time to drop some calories, and up the workouts and see if that helps.  Something has got to give.  I will not settle for this.   

This Sunday will be 30 days until Memorial Day.  30 Days until the BIG weigh in.  30 Days until the official kick off to bikini season.  So I'm going for it.  30 Day Shred, here I come.  I am starting full swing on Sunday.  5 a.m. workouts begin Monday.  Everyday for 30 days I am going to give everything I have for 30 minutes.  I am going to take before and after pictures, measurements etc.  I am really praying for results here.  It would be amazing if I could finally drop a pants size by memorial day.  I would love to possibly wear a pair of shorts in public this summer, let alone a bathing suit. 

I can, and WILL do this.  And on the days I don't feel like getting up - I am making myself watch this video before I am allowed to lay back down. 

Rise and Shine FatGirl.  Rise and Shine. 

Here is a reminder of my goals:

• I will weigh in, and report my weight at LEAST once a week, maybe more.
• I will get to the gym (or workout at home) 4 times each week.
• I will cut out the unnecessary sugary drinks, and get back to drinking water.
• I will update the below chart after each week's weigh-in. If I meet the goal listed, the date will be changed to blue. If I miss it - it will be red. If I meet my 2 lb per week goal, but miss the "goal weight", it will stay purple (blue and red makes what???). Hopefully, by the end of this, there will be more blues and purples than reds. :)

Today's weigh-in: 220.2
01/28/13: 228.0
02/04/13: 226.0 228.0
02/11/13: 224.0 227.8
02/18/13: 222.0 227.6
02/27/13: 220.0 224.8 HA!!!! PURPLE!!! IT'S NOT RED!!!!!
03/06/13: 218.0 222.6
03/13/13: 216.0 224.8 MOTHERFUCKER.
03/20/13: 214.0 222.6 - I'll take it!
03/27/13: 212.0 220.6
04/03/13: 210.0 219.6
04/10/13: 208.0 224.4
04/17/13: 206.0 224.0
04/24/13: 204.0 220.2
05/01/13: 202.0
05/08/13: 200.0
05/15/13: 198.0
05/22/13: 196.0
05/29/13: 194.0
06/05/13: 192.0
06/12/13: 190.0
06/19/13: 188.0
06/26/13: 186.0
07/03/13: 184.0
07/10/13: 182.0
07/17/13: 180.0
07/24/13: 178.0
07/31/13: 176.0
08/07/13: 174.0
08/14/13: 172.0
08/21/13: 170.0
08/28/13: 168.0
08/31/13: My Wedding Day!!! Goal: 165.00

Weigh-in Day - again. Uggghhhh

Well contrary to what MY memory tells me, I see now that I did not post my weigh in results last week. No worries - there wasn't much to report. TOM is in town, so I was holding onto about 6 pounds of water weight. What sucks is it's still there. TOM is still here, and I am still fat and bloated and gross. At least - that's what I'm praying for. I hope that there is no way in hell that I have gained 5 pounds in two weeks. Today, I weighed in at 224.0 - a 4.4 pound gain from two weeks ago, and 4 ounces under where I was last week.

I am becoming increasingly more frustrated with my progress. Some things I get excited about, others just drag me down to the trenches of fat-hell. The weight is not coming off they way I wanted or expected it to. My body is not changing the way I wanted or expected it to. I have lost inches. I have lost pounds. But it's happening so slowly I really don't even notice it. I had a goal of losing two pounds per week. I've lost 4. TOTAL. I should be at 206 today - and I'm at 224. I was 228 in January. January! I still wear spanks every day of my life - even under my workout clothes at the gym.

I have gotten so frustrated that I can see myself slipping back into old habits. A Mt. Dew here and there. A McChicken when the kids get McDonalds. Late night snacking. Not eating during the day. Not drinking water. AND - not working out. I haven't abandoned it all together. I walk. I do the April challenge every few days to try to catch up. Some days, I wonder why I'm even doing this. And of course I come up with all the same reasons you guys are SCREAMING in your heads right now. To lose weight, to become healthier, to feel better about myself, to set a good example for my kids...etc. BUT - my inner fat girl screams back and says - you've been doing all this for months - and NOTHING'S CHANGED!!!! Give it up. You're doing it wrong. You're not teaching the kids anything! You eat good food and workout - and you're still fat!!! So why bother?!?!

And still I refuse. I will not spend another summer afraid to be in a bathing suit in public. I will not spend another summer wondering if someone is staring at my fat arms in my tank top. I will not wear jeans and black to cover up my entire body when it is 100 degrees out. I just can't do it anymore. So something has to change. I have spent MANY weeks eating 2k calories. I am not going to go higher, because that would be above my TDEE. So I am going to decrease my calories to 1750 - halfway between my BMR and my TDEE.

As for working out - this is where I get stuck. I want to push myself. I WANT RESULTS. So I asked myself a question. When was I getting results? That was easy - I was doing the 30 Day Shred. So I'm going to give it another try. I found an old TV, and an old TV stand on a garage sale board - for free. I already contacted the lady, and if everything goes as planned, I should be able to pick them up tonight. If it pans out, then I am making myself a workout room in the basement. I can keep all my stuff in one spot, and do my videos down there. No one will hear me jumping around, I won't be so self conscious. If this all works out, I would like to start working out in the mornings before work - and hopefully, maybe, try to start doing two-a-days.

It IS going to happen for me. I WILL make this happen. This will be the LAST year that I will feel fat. And I will get to ONEDERLAND before I get married. There is no other option for me. I don't want to live like this anymore.
Here is a reminder of my goals:

• I will weigh in, and report my weight at LEAST once a week, maybe more.
• I will get to the gym (or workout at home) 4 times each week.
• I will cut out the unnecessary sugary drinks, and get back to drinking water.
• I will update the below chart after each week's weigh-in. If I meet the goal listed, the date will be changed to blue. If I miss it - it will be red. If I meet my 2 lb per week goal, but miss the "goal weight", it will stay purple (blue and red makes what???). Hopefully, by the end of this, there will be more blues and purples than reds. :)

Today's weigh-in: 220.6
01/28/13: 228.0
02/04/13: 226.0 228.0
02/11/13: 224.0 227.8
02/18/13: 222.0 227.6
02/27/13: 220.0 224.8 HA!!!! PURPLE!!! IT'S NOT RED!!!!!
03/06/13: 218.0 222.6
03/13/13: 216.0 224.8 MOTHERFUCKER.
03/20/13: 214.0 222.6 - I'll take it!
03/27/13: 212.0 220.6
04/03/13: 210.0 219.6
04/10/13: 208.0 224.4
04/17/13: 206.0 224.0
04/24/13: 204.0
05/01/13: 202.0
05/08/13: 200.0
05/15/13: 198.0
05/22/13: 196.0
05/29/13: 194.0
06/05/13: 192.0
06/12/13: 190.0
06/19/13: 188.0
06/26/13: 186.0
07/03/13: 184.0
07/10/13: 182.0
07/17/13: 180.0
07/24/13: 178.0
07/31/13: 176.0
08/07/13: 174.0
08/14/13: 172.0
08/21/13: 170.0
08/28/13: 168.0
08/31/13: My Wedding Day!!! Goal: 165.00

WHY. WHY?!?!

Today is a bad day. A really bad day.

It all started with my washing machine. To make a long story short - it went kaput halfway through a wash cycle - leaving my clothes soaking wet, smelling funny, and nothing to wear to work today. TOM is here, so I have an extra 5 pounds of water weight on me. I walked out the door feeling self-conscious about what I was wearing - but it's the best I could come up with.

We will fast forward through all the other bad shit - no time for coffee, hair and makeup look awful, bad traffic, late to work, FitBit broken, 5 pound gain on the scale, no headphones for iPod - etc.

Now - the reason why we are here. I walked to the kitchen to refill my water after walking the stairs. There is a chick in there that looks like she weighs 82 pounds. I have never seen her before in my life. I said hello - because i'm not rude. She said hi, and gave me the once over. When her eyes fell to my midsection, she smiled, reached her hand out, touched my stomach and said "Aaaaaawwwwww! I love a pregnant belly!!! How far along are youuuuuuu??????"

I was in shock. She could tell by my face something was wrong. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I finally composed enough words to sputter "But i'm not pregnant..." I expected her to be mortified, to be embarrassed, to apologize profusely. I was wrong. Her hand shot to her mouth to cover the laugh that had escaped her. And she turned and walked away.

I cannot get this out of my head. I just can't. I am mortified - for many reasons. I thought I was past that point. I know I still have a long way to go, but I thought I was past the point of being so fat, that the only logical explanation to a thin person is that I MUST be pregnant. Is it really because I still weigh that much? Is it because of the outfit I'm wearing? At what point in this journey will I not have to fear this question anymore?!?! Because I am paralyzed by it right now. I am terrified to get up from my desk, to let people see me. I am quite literally having a major anxiety attack about having to go to the bathroom.

One week ago - I was so proud of all that I had accomplished this year, and the last month. And in one sentence, she shredded every ounce of self confidence I had gained. Please don't tell me to ignore her or what she said. Because that is just not possible. I can pretend that it doesn't bother me for the sake of others, but deep down inside me - I know that forgetting is not an option. Ignoring is not an option. Pretending that didn't just happen is NOT an option. It's people like HER that have gotten me here.

You work your ass off for weeks, months, years... And you lose 5, 10, 50 pounds. And it's not good enough. She doesn't care that I have lost 66 pounds. All she sees is that I am so fat, there must be a small human growing inside my abnormally large stomach. She makes me want to take the easy way out - to take some magic pill, or rub or wrap. To starve myself, and forget my family and my job, and my health, and work on a treadmill every waking moment until I weigh 82 pounds like her. Because obviously, whatever I am doing is not working. It's not making people think I am any less pregnant than they thought I was 66 pounds ago. It's not making me feel good when I look in a mirror. It's not making changes in my clothes, or my confidence, or my sex life.

I'm not stupid. I'm not doing any of those things -because those are the things I've done before when I've yoyo'd up and down on the scale. But it kills me. Why does someone feel they have the right to touch me? Why does someone feel they have the right to ask about my non-existent human lodged in my fat roll? What gives someone the right to LAUGH at someone who is over weight? Why do thin people have all the power? Why do they get to laugh at us, and call us fat, or thick, or big boned, or pregnant? Why do they have the ability to make us feel like shit, and we have no retort? THIS is why i'm still like this. Because one skinny bitch can say one sentence, and derail 4 months worth of work. All I want to do right now is dive face first into a bag of - well - anything, post up on my old barstool, drink 'till I can't feel feelings, and then go to sleep. Because if I'm alseep, I won't be thinking about this.

But I'm not, and I can't. Because I am paralyzed at my desk, afraid to move, and having an anxiety attack about my next bathroom break.

Fuckyouverymuch.

FattyMcFatterson FatGirl.

Weigh-in Day!!!

I know its late, but it's been a crazy-busy week.  Normally, I write my posts while I'm at work sitting on hold with yet another person that doesn't want to do their job.  That is another post for another day though.  Monday, I started my April Challenge - and I'm going strong.  I missed one day - but made up for it by doing one workout in the morning, and a second one in the evening at work.  I have not had the chance to walk the stairs everyday either - like I said - I've been REALLY busy at work.  But, i'm still trying to get something in.  Last night for instance, Madie had soccer practice.  I did my quick April challenge while she ate dinner, then walked for 70 minutes last night while she practiced.  I had a terriyaki chicken stir-fry for dinner last night - which while healthy has a pretty good dose of sodium, and that's reflecting on the scale this morning. I'm gonna be drinking water like a crazy person today!

Wednesday was my weigh in.  I officially broke the 220 mark, coming in at 219.6.  I lost another 3.25 inches, including a full inch and a half around my hips!  But the biggest thing that I was excited about this weigh-in was my percentage of body fat.  For the first time in over a decade, that number was under 40% - 39.1% to be exact!  In one week, one weigh-in, I crossed two major milestones in this journey - and I'm pretty proud of that. 

I am also already making plans for next month.  My Heather is doing Insanity again.  She did one round last year and had some amazing results.  She's on Day 5 right now - and I'm obsessed.  I can't wait to hear about what she had to do that day.  I know that the workouts are super intense, and are much more of a time commitment than I am used to - but I'm going to do it.  I found a set on Craigslist yesterday for 20 bucks - still in the package.  I downloaded the fitness test yesterday, and I am going to do those on Sundays - since Sunday is my "off" day from the April Challenge.  I think it will be a good weigh to acclimate me to what Insanity is - and will help me gauge if what I am currently doing is actually having any affect on my strength, endurance, etc.  This way, I have a whole month to mentaly prepare for this - for the longer workouts and the higher intensity.  And apparently, Shawn T is a crazy person!!! 
 
Of course, I'm all excited about it now - but we've all seen me do this before.  I guess we'll see what next month brings! 

April Challenge - Day 1!!!!

Last night was the first night of the April Challenge. I had to do 10 squats, a 15 second wall sit, 30 seconds of burpees, 10 sit-ups, 5 push-ups and a 15 second plank. It doesn't sound like much, and took me all of about 5 minutes to do - but I am SORE today! I love this because one thing that always drove me crazy is that while yes, it's great to be able to lift x amount of pounds off the ground (lifting weights at the gym), it's not so great that I can't support my own body weight by doing a push up! I love that I am working with my own body, focusing on form, and starting low and working my way into it.

I had also decided that in addition to doing 30 minutes of cardio 3 times a week, I was going to start walking again at work. I did that last summer - I would use my 30 minute lunch and go walk in our parking garage. That way, I felt better if I was not able to get to the gym because at least I had walked for 30 minutes that day. Plus, I felt extra great on the days I did get to the gym because I had gotten two workouts in. Then today - it dawned on me - STAIRS!!! I started taking the stairs at work a few months ago. I work on the ninth floor in our building - and I was lucky if I could breath after the 4th floor! I built myself up, and was able to make it all 9 flights of stairs, then it kinda fizzled out. I started taking the elevator again, not walking as much, not taking the stairs at all, etc. I decided I wanted to incorporate both back into my daily routine at work.

Well, this morning I was curious. I wondered how many calories I'd burn doing 30 minutes of the stairs, versus 30 minutes of walking. I was shocked. Literally shocked. By just walking at a moderate pace (3 mph), I would burn 216 calories in 30 minutes. If I used those same 30 minutes, and walked the stairs instead, 363 calories. In the same amount of time, and could burn almost 1 1/2 times the amount of calories! So guess what I'm doing??? STAIRS!!!

I am sure that I am going to have to build back up to where I was - so I am going to start today. I am going to go as long as I can, and then each day add to that time. For instance, If I can make it 10 minutes today, I'll shoot for 11 minutes tomorrow. If that is the pace I start at (10 minutes) than by April 30th, I will have built up to 30 minutes, just by adding 1 minute to my workout each day. Or if I can only do 10 minutes at a time, maybe I'll try doing 10 minutes 3 times a day! I'm pretty freaking excited about this. I'm excited for a new challenge, something different that is manageable. Plus, my ass is going to look fantastic. HA!!!

On another note, I woke up this morning feeling "skinny". These days a few and far between for me. I wanted to know if there was actually a difference between yesterday and today. Since tomorrow is weigh in day - I'm not going to give it away, but I saw something today that I am pretty freaking excited about - and I can't wait to tell you guys tomorrow!!!

FatGirl - OUT!!!

April Goals

First things first.  I took "progress" pictures last night.  There is no visual progress to report.  I can't tell the difference at ALL - so those hideous albino whale pictures are going to be stashed away for now. 

I think we all know now that C25K is done.  I have officially quit.  I like the program, I like the intervals, I like running, but I did not handle the pressure I felt to complete it.  Maybe once I get into a healthy weight range, I'll give it another go - but for now, C25K and I are parting ways. 

So what to do now?  Well, I have commited to a month long challenge - well, two actually.  One that targets your lower body by doing squats, burpbees and wall sits, and another that targets your core using sit-ups, push-ups and planks.  Each of these challenges is a progressive workout with ONE off day per week - Sunday.  I want to start walking on my lunch a few days a week, and promise to get in a cardio workout 3x per week.  And I'm allowed to do whatever cardio I want - whether it be one of 50 machines at the gym, one of 10 dvd's at home, or running in my neighborhood.  3x a week.

I am hoping that by continuing to watch what I eat, getting back to some cardio, and incorporating some body weight training (which is actually my main focus here...), that come May 1st, I will have progress pictures that I am proud to post. 

First workout is tonight!  10 squats, 30 seconds of burpees, 15 seconds of wall sits, 10 sit-ups, 5 push-ups, and a15 second plank.  I know, I know, It seems pretty light - but remember - this is a progressive workout.  I add more each day, and by April 30th, I'll be doing 100 squats, 2 minutes of burpees, 2 minutes of wall sits, 80 sit-ups, 35 push-ups, and a 2 minute plank.  Doesn't seem so light anymore, does it? 

Here's the breakdown - because there is NO stopping me this time.  I have 228 days until my honeymoon, 151 days until my wedding, 93 days until the 4th of July (bachelorette party month), 57 days until Memorial day, and 30 days until this challenge is over. 

Let the games begin. 

Monthly Weigh In

April 1st. April fools day. Another month - gone. I am sure you are DYING to know how I measured up (insert eye roll here - as I am back to believing I am the ONLY person that reads this). But - this is MY journey, and I have come another month, and actually made some progress. Granted, it's not as much as I would have liked, but progress nonetheless. Moment of truth... Here we go...  In one month, I lost 5.2 pounds, while gaining 6 pounds of Lean Body Mass, and losing 11.2 pounds of Fat Body Mass.  I lost a total of 12 inches off of my body.  I also came under 220 pounds, which is a nice milestone I am pretty proud of.  I've noticed that my clothes fit a bit more losely than before, but I havn't lost a pants size yet. You can see my individual measurements below.    If I said I wasn't disappointed, I'd be lying.  I wish that I had made more progress - that the number on the scale was lower, that the reflection in the mirror has changed, that I had lost a pants size or SOME tangible proof that I am making progress.  I just don't see it.   I am focusing on what's below.  Those numbers don't lie.  I am getting there, slowly but surely.  The scale did drop.  The inches have fallen off - which means all those milestones I mentioned in the above paragraph are on their way.  If it hasn't happened yet, it has to be coming soon - as long as I don't give up.  Right?   

	March First	Today!!!!	Results
Weight	224.8	219.6	-5.2
Neck	15	14.5
Chest	43.5	44	+0.5
Waist	38	35.5	-2.5
Abdomen (belly button)	41.75	39.5	-2.25
Hips	49	47	-2
Right Thigh	25	23	-2
Left Thigh	25	23	-2
Right Calf	16.75	16.25	-0.5
Left Calf	16.75	16.25	-0.5
Right Arm	12	12
Left Arm	12	11.75	-0.25
Wrist	6	6
Forearm	9.5	9
Body Fat %	44.5	40.5	-4.0
Lean Body Mass	124.8	130.8	+6
Fat Body Mass	100.00	88.80	-11.20

Weigh In Day!

Today is weigh in day.  It was good, but I am still VERY disappointed.  It’s hard for me to see how far off my goal I am, even though I know I’m moving in the right direction.  This week, I weighed in at 220.6 – which is exactly a 2 pound loss from last week.  I also lost a total of 3 inches – a ½ inch here, a ½ inch there… 

I know!  I should be happy.  I know I should – but I’m not.  Each week, I get further and further from where I wanted to be by now.  This week, I wanted to be at 212.  I am 8 pounds over that.  Plus, I don’t see any changes.  Maybe in my face a little bit, but all of my clothes still fit the same, and I still see a blob when I look in the mirror. 

We are now on week 9 of this little journey.  I’ve always heard that 12 weeks is the magic number… That all of a sudden, your body realizes this isn’t some fad, that you’re actually changing, and lets go and begins to transform.  I have to continue to remind myself that I am still 3 weeks from that point.  I have to continue to remind myself that while I am not seeing changes in the mirror or my wardrobe, that the pictures don’t lie.  That I have lost 65 pounds.  That I have lost 20.75 inches off of my body.  That I have lost at LEAST 20% body fat.  And since I started tracking LBM and FBM, I have gained 8.2 pounds of muscle, and lost 13.6 pounds of pure fat. 

I HAVE made progress – and someday – I’m going to finally see it.  I just have to stay focused. 

Here is a reminder of my goals:

• I will weigh in, and report my weight at LEAST once a week, maybe more.
• I will get to the gym (or workout at home) 4 times each week.
• I will cut out the unnecessary sugary drinks, and get back to drinking water.
• I will update the below chart after each week's weigh-in. If I meet the goal listed, the date will be changed to blue. If I miss it - it will be red. If I meet my 2 lb per week goal, but miss the "goal weight", it will stay purple (blue and red makes what???). Hopefully, by the end of this, there will be more blues and purples than reds. :)

Today's weigh-in: 220.6
01/28/13: 228.0
02/04/13: 226.0 228.0
02/11/13: 224.0 227.8
02/18/13: 222.0 227.6
02/27/13: 220.0 224.8 HA!!!! PURPLE!!! IT'S NOT RED!!!!!
03/06/13: 218.0 222.6
03/13/13: 216.0 224.8 MOTHERFUCKER.
03/20/13: 214.0 222.6 - I'll take it!
03/27/13: 212.0 220.6
04/03/13: 210.0
04/10/13: 208.0
04/17/13: 206.0
04/24/13: 204.0
05/01/13: 202.0
05/08/13: 200.0
05/15/13: 198.0
05/22/13: 196.0
05/29/13: 194.0
06/05/13: 192.0
06/12/13: 190.0
06/19/13: 188.0
06/26/13: 186.0
07/03/13: 184.0
07/10/13: 182.0
07/17/13: 180.0
07/24/13: 178.0
07/31/13: 176.0
08/07/13: 174.0
08/14/13: 172.0
08/21/13: 170.0
08/28/13: 168.0
08/31/13: My Wedding Day!!! Goal: 165.00

C25K - You're FIRED.

It's been a while - really.  It's been 11 days since I have been to the gym, or done any kind of a workout, honestly.  I really just needed some time to adjust, to think, and to figure out what I really want out of all of this.  I had a major meltdown last week - and it took a few days to recover from that, both mentally and emotionally.  Then, this weekend was rough.  It was Matt's birthday Friday - and he was NOT in a good mood – which in the end I realized was all my fault.  It seemed to be a common theme for the weekend, with a few good spots here and there.  It was a little bit of fun, and a LOT of stress, hurt feelings, and anxiety.  It also meant a lot of food that normally not on the menu for me - Chinese, hamburgers, cake, beer... nomnomnom – all the things a FatGirl loves.  I think I went over Friday AND Saturday (I think, because I didn’t actually log my food).  It should all even out for the week though, because of the extreme deficits I carried most of last week.  I just need to get back on the water train to get all this sodium out of my system before Wednesday's weigh in. 

I laid awake for hours last night.  Seriously, I may have gotten two hours of sleep.  I just had too much on my mind.  I thought obsessively about the weekend, and what I had done wrong.  I thought about all the things I was so upset about last week.  I thought about my weight loss, and my workouts, and my diet and my wedding.  And more about the weekend.  I really screwed up – and I knew better.  I feel more like shit today than I did last week.  The only reason I was able to get to sleep was because I came up with a plan to fix all of it.  I think. 

Tonight, it's back to the gym I go.  And I'm not positive C25K is going to be a part of my workout, per-say.  Here's the thing... I like C25k.  But I have put far too much pressure on myself to complete this.  I finally realized why I have been avoiding the gym, and avoiding my workouts.  It all comes down to C25K.  Last round, I got to W5D3, and couldn’t complete it.  This time, I got to W4D1 – and couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Why?  Because I am afraid of it.  I am afraid of failing, and quitting like I did last time.  LAST time when I failed – I quit – period.  I quit trying.  I quit working out.  I quit eating right – all because I felt like I couldn’t accomplish my goals, because I couldn’t complete C25K.  And I gained 25 pounds back in a matter of months. 

That then led to this question: WHY do I feel I have to complete a 5K to be active?  Why do I have to run 3.6 miles to work out?  Why can’t I do any of the other MILLION things there are to do to work out?  Seriously – get on MFP just ONE day, and look at all the different things my friends are doing.  Running.  Lifting weights.  The Arc Trainer.  Zumba.  Yoga.  Stationary bikes.  Body weight exercises.  Fitness challenges.  Etc. etc. etc...  Some people eat 1200 calories.  Some people eat 2800.  Some are on weight watchers, or paleo, or whatever!  WHY must I make myself do ONE thing every time I work out – especially ONE thing I’ve NEVER been able to do!!!  It’s insane.  And what’s the definition of insanity?  Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results!

I need different results.  I need to stop the insanity, and the anxiety about my fear of failure.  So here’s the NEW plan.  MOVE.  That’s it.  Just move.  3 times a week.  For 60 minutes.  Get to the gym, or the TV and do some form of cardio for 30 minutes.  Stationary bike?  SURE.  Arc Trainer?  Why not?  C25k intervals?  Yep.  Can’t get to the gym?  Zumba it is. Or the 30DS.  Or Yoga.  WHATEVER.  Just move!!!  Then, 30 minutes of strength training. 5x5?  YES.  Six pack March, or Kick Ass April?  I want to try it!  Can’t get to the gym?  Body weight exercises, like push-ups and planks.  DO IT.  Do IT.  For 60 minutes, 3 times a week – any day of the week, just as long as I get my 3 workouts in.  Any busy mom can adhere to a schedule THAT flexible, right? 

As far as the rest of it goes – I have to remind myself constantly that NO ONE is perfect.  I’ll clean the house when I can.  I’ll do laundry when I can.  As long as we have clean dishes and socks – it’s all good.  Everyone screws up as a parent, and we all have different ways of parenting.  I am not immune to that.  I just have to do what I think is best for my kids – and hope like hell they turn out as normal, functional members of society.  If that happens, then I did okay, right?  And as far as this weekend goes – you live and you learn.  I can’t take it back, or go fix what has already happened.  I learned a lesson, as a girlfriend and a wife – to NOT listen to my husband when it comes to his birthday. 

The last thing that I’ve come to realize is this.  NOT working out has affected everything in my life in the last two weeks.  I am more stressed out, more on edge, more depressed, and have less energy.  I have all this shit built up inside of me, and no way to release it.  And the stress levels have not changed.  I always feel like this.  Shit is always screwed up at work, at home, with the kids, etc.  The only thing that was different in the last two weeks was my lack of exercise.  So tonight, I am hitting the gym – or my house, depending on soccer, and burning some of this frustration and anxiety and depression and stress off.  I need release, and a few quiet, hot, sweaty, feel the burn moments. 

And maybe – just maybe, I’ll feel like the FatGirl again. 

Failure...

Last night, I straight got called out.

Matt and I were sitting together after we put the kids to bed, talking about our days. I was telling him about the weigh in at work, and how impressive I thought my 8 week stats were. He agreed, then casually mentioned that I need to continue going to the gym. He said that he can really tell when I've been going to the gym, and that I hadn't been in a while. I started explaining why I haven't been this week - and he told me I was making excuses. Everything I named, he retorted with "Excuse". I started getting defensive, and snapping back at him. He told me that many weeks ago - I had asked him to do this. To keep me in check when I started slipping. I told him my logic behind not having enough "fuel" to workout, when I hadn't been eating as much as I need to. Then he threw my diet into the mix. That I don't eat enough, or at the right times - and by doing this, it's easier for me to excuse myself from working out. He said that he was only doing what I asked him to do - that he wants to see me reach my goals, and be happy and proud of myself.

My feelings were so hurt. I love him more than anything in this whole world. He is my biggest supporter, and nothing that he said was ill-natured or meant to hurt me, only to keep me on track. I am SO stressed out right now.  I have a million things going on in my head. I am so busy all the time. I get up at 5 every morning, leave by 6, at work by 7, work until 3:30, home by 4:30. Then it's kids, and dinner, and activities, and homework, and bath time and bed time. Not to mention the cleaning, and cooking and laundry. I usually don't sit down until 9 or 9:30 at night. This past week - and other times - I have been so exhausted that when I do sit down - that's it. I ain't getting back up.  He (unintentionally) made me feel lazy last night, because I didn't want to go to the gym at 9:30. 

 

 Am I? Am I lazy because I am not forcing myself to work out? Should I still be working out on the days I haven't eaten anything? Should I be going to the gym at 9:30, not getting home until 11, and only getting 5 hours of sleep a night? Then I started thinking... Other people do it. I'm not the only working mom out there that is trying to lose weight and become healthier for my family. So how does everyone else do it - because right now, I feel like a complete failure.

 

Matt didn't do anything wrong - in fact, he did EXACTLY what I asked him to, and then apologized for it.  And I hope he continues to do it, because it gave me the kick in the ass I needed. 

The fact is, I AM making excuses - because I am SO fucking tired all the time. ALL the time. I could literally lay my head down on my desk right now and be OUT. I'm too tired to cook for myself, and I won't "cheat" by eating fast food - so I don't eat. I sleep an extra 10 minutes in the morning, and as a result, don't have time to pack my lunch. I sit down on the couch at night to try to spend a few minutes with Matt, and 10 minutes later I am sleeping. I'm not spending time with him. I'm so tired that I'm irritated all the time, and the kids get most of my frustration - cause they are driving me CRAZY. I feel like a horrible mom - like I don't spend enough time with them, just playing and reading and coloring. And I don't get to do those things because they are always mad at me. I feel like because I am the one that disciplines them, that I am always the bad guy, and ANY and everyone else is the good guy.  And then everyone over rules me, because everyone else has a better title than I do. I'm not Mom, or Grandma or Dad or Papa.  So in the end, I feel like I am honestly wasting my time even trying to discipline them because they get to do what they want to do anyway.  And all that makes me second guess myself about how I am trying to raise these kids when they are in my care. 

I am not focused at work, my house is a wreck, and the laundry is piled up. I am CONSTANTLY afraid that I am doing the wrong thing. I'm eating too much. I'm not eating enough. I need cardio. I need weights. I can do C25K. I can't do C25k. I should be walking. I should be doing the elliptical. I should be doing the arc trainer. I should be doing zumba. I should be doing the 30DS. I should be doing yoga. I should be doing body weight exercises. I can do it at home. I am going to the gym. I'm not going to the gym.

I'm going to pull my hair out. I have put so much pressure on myself to be perfect. The perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect employee, the perfect cook, the perfect maid, to have the perfect body... And I'm failing miserably in every aspect. I know that I am letting myself down every time I make an excuse not to go. But now I feel this additional pressure, because I don't want to fail, and right now I am barely keeping my head above water. I haven't been to the gym in a week. A WEEK! And I've done nothing at home either.  I feel like I'm not living up to my own (and other's) expectations.   

 

So - just to condense everything for you... I want to be perfect at everything, and I'm not. I don't shop.  I don't cook.  I don't clean.  I don't do laundry.  I yell at my kids - who hate me for it, and don't listen anyway.  I don't spend time with my husband.  I suck at work, at working out, at managing my home, and at being a mom.  I don't take care of myself - which people that know me can tell by my daily appearance.   And I don't do any of this because I am fat and lazy and tired.  ALL.  THE.  TIME. 

 

So how do I fix it?  Sitting down - ever - is apparently NOT an option.  I am going to have to use every single second of time not at work focusing on my home and my family.  I am tired of disappointing everyone - most of all, myself.  Obviously, working out in the evenings is NOT working for me. The only thing I can think to do is to start getting up in the mornings and going to the gym before work. What scares me is, I've tried that before. And I was NEVER able to get out of bed in the morning to make myself go. And I don't know how to change that.

 

I don't know how to change any of this - but I have to try.  I can't keep beating myself up like this.

 

This message has been sponsored by seasonal depression - because it's just too fucking cold to do anything. 

 

<3 FatGirl   

C25k - to quit, or not to quit. THAT is the question...

I decided to do two seperate posts today, since it was weigh in day.  I wanted that post to be only about that - not just my ramblings.  Life is in the way again.  I am kinda stuck this week, and it's changing my perspective.  And guess what - it all revolves around C25K.  I know I mentioned earlier in the week that I was nervous about running this week.  Longer intervals, same muscle issues.  Then Monday happened.  I didn't write about it here - so I'll catch you guys up.  TOM is still visiting, and I was feeling really bad on Monday when I got home from work.  I took some medicine and laid down for a nap, with every intention of getting up and going to the gym.  The next thing I knew, it was midnight, and Matt was waking me up, and telling me to come to bed. 

Yesterday I felt much better.  I woke up and decided that I would just pack my gym bag, and head straight to the gym after work.  I worked all day with my mind set I was going.  Then, on the way to the gym, Matt called.  Two things had popped up.  One - Little Man had his basketball awards ceremony last night, which we didn't know about until 5 minutes before he called me, thanks to his lovely ex.  Two - we are meeting with the priest from our church tonight.  We are supposed to bring copies of his marriage certificate, and a copy of the divorce decree to show that we are able to get married in the church.  He found one, but not the other.  Hmmm - glad I asked him to look for this stuff last week, and he waited until yesterday.  So guess what - I didn't get to the gym last night either.  I did find the correct documents though - so that's a plus. 

Honestly, it's probably safer that I skipped.  I forgot to mention that on Monday, all I had to eat was a protein bar and a cup of coffee.  And again yesterday - that's all I had before I *would* have been to the gym.  I really didn't have enough fuel to work out, and even after eating and skipping my workout last night, I was still in a MAJOR defecit after two days. 

Tonight, I'm already screwed.  We are meeting with our preist tonight, and he can be a bit long winded, so who knows how long it will take - but just the timing of it doesn't leave me room to go to the gym before OR after, unless I go at 10 tonight.  I already know I can't go tomorrow, as Lil' Miss has soccer practice for TWO AND A HALF HOURS, 30 minutes from where we live.  And since we only have one car - I am SOL.  Lets go ahead and jump to Friday. Friday is one of my favorite days.  It is Matt AND my Dad's birthday.  I get to spend the evening with the two most special men in my life.  And I don't get to see my Dad that often, so there's no way I am going to miss seeing him to go to the gym. 

That means week 4 is dust in the wind - and now I don't know what to do.  Do I pick back up next week where I left off?  Do I back track and repeat week 3?  Do I quit like i've done so many times before?  Here's where I'm at, and what I'm thinking.  I think I want to quit C25k.  I have never been good at running, and the leg issues this time are really freaking me out.  Plus, since I have limited time at the gym, I don't have time to do cardio AND weight lifting.  If I'm being honest with myself, I would rather lift weights.  I want to lose fat.  I want to build muscle.  Cardio I can do at home.  I can walk my dogs.  I can do Zumba or the 30DS or the BBL series.  I can get my cardio in without a gym membership.  Once the weather starts warming up, I can start running outside again - which is the part of running I really enjoy.  And there's no sense in lying.  There's no way in hell I'd run outside in the cold.  I don't love running THAT much, and I HATE the cold. 

I keep letting the voices in my head get to me, justifiying quitting.  Maybe I AM putting too much pressure on my knees/lower back with running.  Maybe I SHOULD wait until I get into a healthier weight range before running like that.  Maybe i'd have time to build up the muscles in my legs before starting again.  It would be easier to get to the gym without a set schedule. 

But at the same time, I don't want to feel like a quitter again.  I think the problem with my legs can be fixed (or at least helped) with a new pair of running shoes - and part of the problem there is the money.  Every extra cent we have is going towards the wedding and/or honeymoon.  There's only 4 weeks of C25K left - IF I pick back up at week 4.  If I stick it out for 4 more weeks, I could finally say that I was able to conquer it.  So I really am stuck, and would appreciate any feedback, comments, questions, or screaming you guys may have.    Annnndddd..... GO. 

Weigh in Day!!!

I have to admit, I am pretty stoked right now.  There's bad, and there's good, but for once, I am actually seeing the positive side of the bad.  So first things first, let's get to the weigh in.  The scale shows I had a loss of 1.2 pounds this week, which is still a pound more than I weighed two weeks ago.  There's the first piece of good news/bad news.  I will defend myself here by saying that I am STILL being visited by TOM, and likely still carrying water weight.  Not to mention that steak and baked potato I had last night that were seasoned with garlic salt.  I knew better - but hey, it was worth it. 

For once - I am not so much concerned with the number on the scale - and here's why.  Though I may weigh one pound more than I did two weeks ago, my measurements tell a completely different story.  In two weeks - I've lost 6.25 inches, lost 1.5% body fat, GAINED 3.9 pounds of muscle, and lost 2.9 pounds of pure fat and took the first "skinny" picture I've ever taken in my life.  Well - at least my face looks skinny.  You can't really see the rest of me, as I had just done a sneak attack on a drunken leprechaun (see previous post, lol).  So take THAT, you stupid liar-face scale.

Then I come here to update the chart you see below, and see that in 7 weeks, I've lost 4.4 pounds, instead of the 14 I was shooting for.  Hmph.  Buuuutttttt......  I have lost 18.5 inches.  I have lost 4.5% body fat.  I have gained 7.8 pounds of muscle, and lost 11.8 pounds of pure fat. 

So FUCK that 4.4 pound loss on the scale. 

UPDATE:  I weighed in again (for the Biggest Loser contest at work.)  I was up to 224.0  I told the girls I had already had 33 ounces of water, and a cup of coffe. As a joke - they told me to go to the bathroom and come back and weigh again.  BOOM.  222.6 pounds!  Back where I was two weeks ago.  Make that a 5.4 pound loss on the scale! 

Here is a reminder of my goals:

• I will weigh in, and report my weight at LEAST once a week, maybe more.
• I will get to the gym (or workout at home) 4 times each week.
• I will cut out the unnecessary sugary drinks, and get back to drinking water.
• I will update the below chart after each week's weigh-in. If I meet the goal listed, the date will be changed to blue. If I miss it - it will be red. If I meet my 2 lb per week goal, but miss the "goal weight", it will stay purple (blue and red makes what???). Hopefully, by the end of this, there will be more blues and purples than reds. :)

Today's weigh-in: 222.6
01/28/13: 228.0
02/04/13: 226.0 228.0
02/11/13: 224.0 227.8
02/18/13: 222.0 227.6
02/27/13: 220.0 224.8 HA!!!! PURPLE!!! IT'S NOT RED!!!!!
03/06/13: 218.0 222.6
03/13/13: 216.0 224.8 MOTHERFUCKER.
03/20/13: 214.0 222.6 - I'll take it!
03/27/13: 212.0
04/03/13: 210.0
04/10/13: 208.0
04/17/13: 206.0
04/24/13: 204.0
05/01/13: 202.0
05/08/13: 200.0
05/15/13: 198.0
05/22/13: 196.0
05/29/13: 194.0
06/05/13: 192.0
06/12/13: 190.0
06/19/13: 188.0
06/26/13: 186.0
07/03/13: 184.0
07/10/13: 182.0
07/17/13: 180.0
07/24/13: 178.0
07/31/13: 176.0
08/07/13: 174.0
08/14/13: 172.0
08/21/13: 170.0
08/28/13: 168.0
08/31/13: My Wedding Day!!! Goal: 165.00

Week 3, Day 3 - Complete!!!

Better late than never, right??

 

I know I have not posted anything in a few days. I normally write my posts up while I am at work on hold on a call - but I have actually been really busy at work lately, and haven't had that much down time. Besides that, I haven't been to the gym since last Wednesday - and honestly, I think I have been avoiding it. Last Wednesday, I completed Week 3, Day 3 of C25K. I was really proud of myself that day. I knew we were supposed to go out that night, so I planned ahead, and took my gym stuff with me to work. I went straight to the gym after work to get it out of the way so I could enjoy the rest of my evening. I made it through the workout with only a little bit of cramping in my right leg (it's always the same spot - on the side of my calf). It also seemed to be easier. I wasn't so focused on passing out - I just wanted to be done with it!

After my workout, as I was sitting down stretching out, I decided to check out the upcoming week of C25K. I shouldn't have done that. I think I've been freaked out about it again. Week 4 is the standard 5 min warm up and cool down, but the interval breakdown is scary to me. Jog 3 minutes, walk 90 seconds. Jog 5 minutes, walk 2.5 minutes. Jog 3 minutes, walk 90 seconds, Jog 5 minutes. I know. I've done this before. I've finished week 4 before. I've run these intervals before. But I'm still worried about it. I didn't have the leg/muscle/cramping issues last time. It freaks me out. I am going to attempt this today. I just have to get it done and get it over with.

I was a crazy person for the second half of last week. I think my body is freaking out with all the changes i've been making - the change in diet, the working out, the water, the stress from planning the wedding, etc. I've been moody, exhausted, and stressed out. I took my rest day on Thursday, then Friday I was such an emotional mess - I chose going to a friends house over working out. Saturday, I did a lot of work around the house, but there was no official workout. Sunday, I spent most of the day nursing an Irish Hangover, along with major cramps from TOM. I ate horribly this weekend - meaning I didn't eat much at all.

And then there's today.  Today, I am still an emotional stress ball. I am either still holding water weight (which is an actual possibility since I am still "on") or I have seriously gained three pounds since my 3/7 weigh in. As of this Wednesday, I had hoped to be around 214. Today, I was 10 pounds over that. It makes me very discouraged - but I am trying to stay positive about it. I tell myself it IS just water weight, and it WILL come off. I tell myself that if I give up now, it never will. I just have to keep pushing. I hope that I see some decrease by Wednesday's weigh in. I really don't want to be in the RED two weeks in a row.

Hopefully, I have good news to report tomorrow. Until then, here's my NSV from the weekend... The first picture I've taken where I thought my face looks thin. See... Told you I was trying to be positive.  Oh, and Happy St. Patty's day!!!