Well contrary to what MY memory tells me, I see now that I did not post my weigh in results last week. No worries - there wasn't much to report. TOM is in town, so I was holding onto about 6 pounds of water weight. What sucks is it's still there. TOM is still here, and I am still fat and bloated and gross. At least - that's what I'm praying for. I hope that there is no way in hell that I have gained 5 pounds in two weeks. Today, I weighed in at 224.0 - a 4.4 pound gain from two weeks ago, and 4 ounces under where I was last week.
I am becoming increasingly more frustrated with my progress. Some things I get excited about, others just drag me down to the trenches of fat-hell. The weight is not coming off they way I wanted or expected it to. My body is not changing the way I wanted or expected it to. I have lost inches. I have lost pounds. But it's happening so slowly I really don't even notice it. I had a goal of losing two pounds per week. I've lost 4. TOTAL. I should be at 206 today - and I'm at 224. I was 228 in January. January! I still wear spanks every day of my life - even under my workout clothes at the gym.
I have gotten so frustrated that I can see myself slipping back into old habits. A Mt. Dew here and there. A McChicken when the kids get McDonalds. Late night snacking. Not eating during the day. Not drinking water. AND - not working out. I haven't abandoned it all together. I walk. I do the April challenge every few days to try to catch up. Some days, I wonder why I'm even doing this. And of course I come up with all the same reasons you guys are SCREAMING in your heads right now. To lose weight, to become healthier, to feel better about myself, to set a good example for my kids...etc. BUT - my inner fat girl screams back and says - you've been doing all this for months - and NOTHING'S CHANGED!!!! Give it up. You're doing it wrong. You're not teaching the kids anything! You eat good food and workout - and you're still fat!!! So why bother?!?!
And still I refuse. I will not spend another summer afraid to be in a bathing suit in public. I will not spend another summer wondering if someone is staring at my fat arms in my tank top. I will not wear jeans and black to cover up my entire body when it is 100 degrees out. I just can't do it anymore. So something has to change. I have spent MANY weeks eating 2k calories. I am not going to go higher, because that would be above my TDEE. So I am going to decrease my calories to 1750 - halfway between my BMR and my TDEE.
As for working out - this is where I get stuck. I want to push myself. I WANT RESULTS. So I asked myself a question. When was I getting results? That was easy - I was doing the 30 Day Shred. So I'm going to give it another try. I found an old TV, and an old TV stand on a garage sale board - for free. I already contacted the lady, and if everything goes as planned, I should be able to pick them up tonight. If it pans out, then I am making myself a workout room in the basement. I can keep all my stuff in one spot, and do my videos down there. No one will hear me jumping around, I won't be so self conscious. If this all works out, I would like to start working out in the mornings before work - and hopefully, maybe, try to start doing two-a-days.
It IS going to happen for me. I WILL make this happen. This will be the LAST year that I will feel fat. And I will get to ONEDERLAND before I get married. There is no other option for me. I don't want to live like this anymore.
Here is a reminder of my goals:
- I will weigh in, and report my weight at LEAST once a week, maybe more.
- I will get to the gym (or workout at home) 4 times each week.
- I will cut out the unnecessary sugary drinks, and get back to drinking water.
- I will update the below chart after each week's weigh-in. If I meet the goal listed, the date will be changed to blue. If I miss it - it will be red. If I meet my 2 lb per week goal, but miss the "goal weight", it will stay purple (blue and red makes what???). Hopefully, by the end of this, there will be more blues and purples than reds. :)
01/28/13: 228.0
02/04/13: 226.0 228.0
02/11/13: 224.0 227.8
02/18/13: 222.0 227.6
02/27/13: 220.0 224.8 HA!!!! PURPLE!!! IT'S NOT RED!!!!!
03/06/13: 218.0 222.6
03/13/13: 216.0 224.8 MOTHERFUCKER.
03/20/13: 214.0 222.6 - I'll take it!
03/27/13: 212.0 220.6
04/03/13: 210.0 219.6
04/10/13: 208.0 224.4
04/17/13: 206.0 224.0
04/24/13: 204.0
05/01/13: 202.0
05/08/13: 200.0
05/15/13: 198.0
05/22/13: 196.0
05/29/13: 194.0
06/05/13: 192.0
06/12/13: 190.0
06/19/13: 188.0
06/26/13: 186.0
07/03/13: 184.0
07/10/13: 182.0
07/17/13: 180.0
07/24/13: 178.0
07/31/13: 176.0
08/07/13: 174.0
08/14/13: 172.0
08/21/13: 170.0
08/28/13: 168.0
08/31/13: My Wedding Day!!! Goal: 165.00
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