WHY. WHY?!?!

Today is a bad day. A really bad day.

It all started with my washing machine. To make a long story short - it went kaput halfway through a wash cycle - leaving my clothes soaking wet, smelling funny, and nothing to wear to work today. TOM is here, so I have an extra 5 pounds of water weight on me. I walked out the door feeling self-conscious about what I was wearing - but it's the best I could come up with.

We will fast forward through all the other bad shit - no time for coffee, hair and makeup look awful, bad traffic, late to work, FitBit broken, 5 pound gain on the scale, no headphones for iPod - etc.

Now - the reason why we are here. I walked to the kitchen to refill my water after walking the stairs. There is a chick in there that looks like she weighs 82 pounds. I have never seen her before in my life. I said hello - because i'm not rude. She said hi, and gave me the once over. When her eyes fell to my midsection, she smiled, reached her hand out, touched my stomach and said "Aaaaaawwwwww! I love a pregnant belly!!! How far along are youuuuuuu??????"

I was in shock. She could tell by my face something was wrong. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I finally composed enough words to sputter "But i'm not pregnant..." I expected her to be mortified, to be embarrassed, to apologize profusely. I was wrong. Her hand shot to her mouth to cover the laugh that had escaped her. And she turned and walked away.

I cannot get this out of my head. I just can't. I am mortified - for many reasons. I thought I was past that point. I know I still have a long way to go, but I thought I was past the point of being so fat, that the only logical explanation to a thin person is that I MUST be pregnant. Is it really because I still weigh that much? Is it because of the outfit I'm wearing? At what point in this journey will I not have to fear this question anymore?!?! Because I am paralyzed by it right now. I am terrified to get up from my desk, to let people see me. I am quite literally having a major anxiety attack about having to go to the bathroom.

One week ago - I was so proud of all that I had accomplished this year, and the last month. And in one sentence, she shredded every ounce of self confidence I had gained. Please don't tell me to ignore her or what she said. Because that is just not possible. I can pretend that it doesn't bother me for the sake of others, but deep down inside me - I know that forgetting is not an option. Ignoring is not an option. Pretending that didn't just happen is NOT an option. It's people like HER that have gotten me here.

You work your ass off for weeks, months, years... And you lose 5, 10, 50 pounds. And it's not good enough. She doesn't care that I have lost 66 pounds. All she sees is that I am so fat, there must be a small human growing inside my abnormally large stomach. She makes me want to take the easy way out - to take some magic pill, or rub or wrap. To starve myself, and forget my family and my job, and my health, and work on a treadmill every waking moment until I weigh 82 pounds like her. Because obviously, whatever I am doing is not working. It's not making people think I am any less pregnant than they thought I was 66 pounds ago. It's not making me feel good when I look in a mirror. It's not making changes in my clothes, or my confidence, or my sex life.

I'm not stupid. I'm not doing any of those things -because those are the things I've done before when I've yoyo'd up and down on the scale. But it kills me. Why does someone feel they have the right to touch me? Why does someone feel they have the right to ask about my non-existent human lodged in my fat roll? What gives someone the right to LAUGH at someone who is over weight? Why do thin people have all the power? Why do they get to laugh at us, and call us fat, or thick, or big boned, or pregnant? Why do they have the ability to make us feel like shit, and we have no retort? THIS is why i'm still like this. Because one skinny bitch can say one sentence, and derail 4 months worth of work. All I want to do right now is dive face first into a bag of - well - anything, post up on my old barstool, drink 'till I can't feel feelings, and then go to sleep. Because if I'm alseep, I won't be thinking about this.

But I'm not, and I can't. Because I am paralyzed at my desk, afraid to move, and having an anxiety attack about my next bathroom break.

Fuckyouverymuch.

FattyMcFatterson FatGirl.