Battle Field

Yesterday was rough for me.  I was so pumped up all day long, and I got home – and it was just gone.  I wrote the post “Almost” immediately after completing Day 4 of the 30DS.  I talked to Matt about my frustrations.  I talked to Mama a bit later that night, and was telling her all about it.  While talking to her, I finally realized my issue.  Me working out, and eating right, and trying to be healthy, it’s not a physical fight I am fighting.  I can eat nutritious food and enjoy it.  I do enjoy eating right.  I like working out.  Well – I like the way I feel AFTER I work out.  I feel better after I finish – I feel happier, I have more energy, and I have a sense of accomplishment. 

The fight that I am fighting is mental.  This is a war that is going on in my mind.  It’s breaking old habits, and replacing them with new habits.  It’s getting home from work, and getting moving instead of sitting on the couch with unhealthy snacks watching re-runs of Criminal Minds.  It’s getting up and cooking a healthy meal, instead of taking the lazy –we’ll just order in, or get take out – route.  It’s an extra 10 minutes straightening the kitchen after dinner, instead of leaving the dishes until tomorrow.  It’s getting up and folding the clothes in the dryer and putting the laundry away instead of another 15 minutes on the couch.  And for me – it’s more than just losing weight.  I really am trying to make LIFE changes right now.  And the only person trying to stop me is ME. 

I know this realization is not the cure I have been looking for.  But it is an acknowledgement.  I will probably have this fight with myself EVERY.  SINGLE.  DAY.  Hopefully, more often than not, the new me will win over the old me.  I know there will be days that the Fat Girl wins the battle.  And that is okay – as long as the Skinny Girl wins the war.   I have to remember that this is what I want.  I have to remember those motivational posters I look at EVERY day.  I have to remember how far I have come, and stop worrying about how far I have left to go.  And I have to remember that I CAN do this.  SHIT,  I AM doing this!  I am capable of working out, and working out hard.  I know I can finish the 30DS.  I’ve seen me do it!!!  No more I can’t.  I know that I can.  Now it’s about making a choice, every day.  Today, do I want to be the old me, or the new me?  Do I want to be lazy, or active?  Do I want to be a good example to my kids, or not?  Do I want to wear a bathing suit in public this summer?  Do I want to be proud of who I am, and what I have accomplished?

If I can answer all of those questions every day with a resounding “YES!!!”, then this war was over before it began.  I will do this.  Now, it’s a daily battle, and a daily choice.  Old me, or new me?

P.S.  I weighed in this morning.  Down to 220.0  :)

Almost

I almost quit today. I really didn't feel like working out when I got home today. I finally decided that skipping today wasn't the best choice. I asked myself that all important question, "what do I want more? To skip today, or to wear a bikini this summer?". The bikini won of course. Matt did the PUC with me, and then I started the 30DS. Not quite half way through, I heard Matt's voice saying he was going down to the neighbors. The first thought that crossed my mind was as soon as he leaves I can turn this off and just tell him I finished it. The next thought was, the only person I would be lying to is myself. He doesn't care whether I work out or not. I am the one that wants this. Why would I cheat myself? So I pushed harder. And I finished it. Again.  :)

See you tomorrow fatties.

Not too Shabby....

I am pretty impressed with myself.  I did every single thing I said I was going to do yesterday.  I got home after work, kissed the man of my dreams, and then kicked him out of the house.  I started with the 100 PUC, so I knew I would have my full strength for the fitness test.  I know I didn’t explain it yesterday, so here it is.  I have ZERO upper arm body strength.  NONE.  I am so fat, and so weak, that I cannot even support my own body weight.  Yesterday while I was on MFP, I found a thread about the 100 Push UP Challenge.  I read about it online, and realized in about 2 minutes this is what I need.  It’s a training/conditioning program for pushups!  It’s a 6 week program, and if you follow it the right way, supposedly at the end of the 6 weeks, you will be able to complete 100 push-ups.  It is a great compound exercise as it works several muscle groups,  It will be perfect for helping me to build up my upper body strength, and helping me tone my arms, back, and the ugly armpit fat on my bra line.  I was all in.  Having my full strength didn’t do me a whole lot of good.  I was able to do 1.  Honestly, if we are talking about a true, good form push up, I can do 1, and even that is not pretty.  So I decided to modify it.  The first round – I will be doing the knee or “girl” push-ups.  Then, once I build my strength up some – I’ll go round two, and try to do big boy push-ups. 

Anyhoo – after the fitness test, and the Day 1 PUC, I completed day 3 of the 30DS.  I did much better today.  My endurance is definitely building.  I was able to complete all of the exercises except for the push-ups (surprise, surprise) and the bicycle crunches.  F those bad boys.  Just another thing to work on.  I was very proud that I was able to finish the squat presses, and the side lunges with the anterior raises.  I had a huge smile on my face when I would hear her say “Just two more”…  I really can do this!  And I never thought I would be smiling during a workout.  BIG steps yesterday!!!

After my workout, I went to the store and picked up some chicken breasts, asparagus, some apples, and some flavored water packets.  When we got home, I talked Matt into taking the dogs on a walk with me.  It wasn’t very long – but definitely a step in the right direction.  I fixed a very healthy, well-proportioned meal.  I had apples and peanut butter for a snack.  No pasta.  No bread.  No rice.  No sweets.  No ice cream.  I drank my water, ate breakfast, and did NO late night snacking!

So now I have just one more question…  Who is this person, and how in the hell do I make sure she stays around?!?!  J

I have a plan...

I am going to kick some serious ass this week.  The weigh in this morning was just the motivation I needed.  Then finding out there will be two 7M3 concerts June 1^st and 2^nd, that was just the EXTRA motivation I needed.  Translation – if I stick to my goals, by concert time, I will be down 30 lbs!!!  So here’s the plan.

1.)    Do the 30DS EVERY day this week.

2.)    Walk the dogs at least 3 times this week for at least 20 minutes.               

a.)    Try to get Matt to go with me. 

3.)    Drink a Gallon of water each day.

4.)    No snacking after 8 pm.

5.)    Eat Breakfast every day.

6.)    No ice cream, pasta, sweets, rice or bread.  
7.)    Start the 100 Pushups Challenge!!!  

Let the games begin Bitches.  WOOT WOOT!!!

Weekend Update

I knew that this weekend was going to be challenging going into it.  Nathan’s birthday party.  Pizza.  Cake and Ice Cream.  Not enough time to work out.  I knew that all of these things were going to happen before they happened.  So I planned.  It didn’t work. 

Friday – I worked out as soon as I got home.  I really pushed myself, and I found that I was actually getting to the end of the exercises.  It really is getting easier every day – and that was very exciting.  I worked my ass off all evening  to get ready for Nathan’s party.  I cleaned, I scrubbed  - so much that I worked up a sweat just cleaning.  I got hungry a few times, but Matt wasn’t ready for dinner – so I snacked.  String cheese once, and raw veggies (Broccoli, Cauliflower and Carrots) another time.  Of course, once it was time to eat – Matt makes pizza rolls.  UGH!  So I made Angel hair pasta with mushrooms and shrimp.  It was VERY good.  So far so good, right?  Wait for it.....

Saturday – I had to go transfer my Driver’s License from KY to OH.  Really?  I haven’t done this yet?  I have lived in Ohio for 3 years.  But, my license is going to expire on 03/04/12 – so it had to be done.  I had to take the written exam, and present all kinds of documents in order to get my new OH license. But instead of getting up and leaving and getting it done first thing Saturday morning like I had PLANNED – I spent an hour trying to find my damn social security card.  A card that I had moved recently because I am also dedicated to getting organized this year.  I finally find it, get ready and Matt and the kids want to go with me.  I kinda freaked out a little bit.  I am thinking about the BMV, and me trying to take a test, and Nathan and Madie and Matt sitting waiting for me – and I started to stress.  I pretty much told Matt “I don’t want you there.”  I left – got half way to the BMV – and felt like such a piece of shit, I turned around and went home.  I picked Matt and the kids up – drove back to Lebanon and took my test.  I passed, go next door to get my license made and guess what – the damn machine is down.  So we leave, and head to the BMV back in Middletown.  We arrived 3 minutes after the damn place closed for the day.  I was SOOOO pissed.  The rest of the day flew by.  Shopping for Nate’s party.  More cleaning.  Wrapping presents.  Getting food ready.  Then the party.  Then bedtime, cleanup time, relax time, and bedtime.  As for food – I had planned to have enough calories left for pizza for dinner and cake for desert.  I checked everything on MFP.com first to make sure I would be okay.  Even without Jillian –which I had absolutely NO time for, I still came in under my calories for the day.  Super excited.  Still not bad...  just wait for it....

Sunday – More presents and a Birthday breakfast for my boy.  I had a banana and a cup of coffee.  Everyone else had waffles and sausage covered in butter and syrup.  I was extremely jealous.  But I held strong.  Next up, church.  This was our FIRST time going as a family when it was not a special occasion, like a wedding.  It felt great to be there with my family.  It was an amazing morning.  Then, it was shopping, then home.  We colored with Nate, did an alphabet worksheet with him, and went through his flashcards.  He did such a good job.  We played outside for about 20-30 minutes, then it was more shopping!  Hobby shop, Flower factory, Michaels and Meijer.   Then we let Nathan pick what he wanted for dinner.  Frisch’s it is.  Again, I checked MFP to make sure I would not go over my calorie count.  I had a healthy lunch, walked a TON doing all that shopping, did no late night snacking, and I drank all my water.  Still sounds okay, right?  Wait for it....

Going to bed Sunday night, I felt good about my weekend.  I had felt like crap most of the weekend.  I was cramping and bloated and felt gross.  I had some severe chest pains on Saturday night – and for a good part of the day Sunday.  While I could have eaten better, and skipped the pizza, and the cake, and gotten the salad bar instead of the sandwich, I could have done a lot worse.  I should have made time for Jillian on Saturday, and Sunday.  I felt guilty about this.  But Matt reminded me that I WAS way more active than normal for me, and I still had skip days I could use.  So I am not going to beat myself up about it.  It just means I am really going to have to buckle down for the next 41 days.  Besides working out – I accomplished every single thing I wanted to do this weekend, and for THAT – I felt great. 

This morning, I got on my scale at home, and I was excited to see the number drop.  I get to work, and THAT scale says I have GAINED 1.8 pounds!!!  WTF is that shit?  How does one scale say I have lost, and another say I have gained?  And FYI – they both said the same thing last Monday, and the Monday before that, so it’s not like they are always off.  I am really hoping that my period is having something to do with my weight this week.  Maybe because I am bloated and retaining water – the scale is reflecting that and not the true weight.  So – I took my ONE damn pass to skip weighing in.  I am so freaking pissed.  An ENTIRE week of hard work, gone. 

And that’s my motivation, Ladies and Gentlemen.  I am going to do EVERYTHING in my power to make sure that I don’t feel the way I do today next Monday.  AND, that number next week will not only be lower than what I saw today – but be lower than what I saw LAST week.  Today is my day.  NOT tomorrow.  Today.  And this week.  And this month.  And this year.  It’s all mine. 

TODAY IS MY DAY. 

*** UPDATE - I changed my mind, and weighed in with the group.  I had a gain of 1.8 pounds since the weigh in last week.  I can't hide from a bad week.  I tried and this was the result.  I have to be accountable to myself.  I will not be 224.3 pounds this time next week.  THAT my fatties, is a promise. 

<3 - The Fat Girl

Well... THAT didn't go as planned...

I used my first 30DS skip day yesterday.  BOO.  I really didn't want to use one on the second damn day.  Here is how my night went.  Got home from work - got my workout shirt on, pulled on my workout pants, took about 10 steps to get my shoes, and my pants were falling down.  Good news/bad news here.  Good news is, they don't fit anymore.  The bad news?  I can't work out with no pants.  I needed to go grocery shopping anyway - so I just threw my black work pants back on, and told Matt I was going to the store.  He decided he wanted to come with me.  THAT turned into us going to Lowes.  And Walmart.  And Meijer.  And birthday shopping for Nate.  And us not getting home until 8.  By the time I fixed dinner, ate, and cleaned the kitchen, it was 9:30.  And then Idol was on.  And then I went to bed at 10:30, and was out before Matt had the chance to say goodnight. 

It just didn't happen.  It's not that I made a conscious effort NOT to work out - life just got in the way last night.  I did however walk over a mile and half (according to my pedometer) while shopping at the 3 stores.  So - while there was no Jillian, I was more active than I normally am.  Doesn't matter though - this still counts as a skip day. 

I bought lots of healthy food at the store last night.  Fruits and veggies, chicken, tuna, whole grain pasta, low fat cheeses, peanut butter, almonds, etc.  I did the "perimeter" shopping last night, and was thoroughly impressed with myself.  I did have to walk about two feet into an aisle twice for the Tuna and the peanut butter. 

I made Skyline last night.  I had 3 way with whole grain pasta, and low fat cheese.  I snacked on some pretzels, and drank almost a gallon of water.  I was probably 8-16 ounces short.  But, when I got on the scale this morning, the number was lower than it was yesterday morning, which was SUPER  exciting!!  I packed my lunch today - Tuna (it's Friday), hard boiled eggs, banana,  apple, and almonds.  I wasn't sure what I would be in the mood for, so I just grabbed a bunch of stuff, both salty and sweet. 

This weekend will be the real test.  It's Friday.  I need to get into workout mode, because as of right now, I'm not feeling it.  I have so much to do around the house to get ready for Nate's birthday party tomorrow.  I need to PROMISE myself that I AM going to workout tonight.  And tomorrow.  And Sunday. 

Damnnit.  Someone yell at me please.  I am already feeling myself backing out of my own damn challenge. 

NOT a good day. 

Update:  My hard boiled eggs were bad.  And my Banana was not ripe.  This isn't working for me today. 

One down, 45 more to go...

Shocking, I know... but I did it.  I really got myself worked up yesterday.  I figured out that it was actually 46 days until Easter, not 40.  So I decided to make a countdown calendar telling me how many days I had left until this is over!  I included all 46 days, but I am giving myself 6 "free" days - so I will actually do the 40 day shred. The calendar is really neat.  Not only does it show the number of days left until I reach my goal, but it also has something inspirational on each page - something different every day.  I was really excited when I left work yesterday.  On the way home though, that enthusiasm began to fade.  By the time I had hit the driveway, I was convinced I did not need to work out, since I had 6 "free" days.  I did however need to weigh in - and that was enough to get me motivated. 

At the bottom of this post you will find my 30 Day Shred Day 1 measurements.  I have to admit - I was pretty disgusted when I took them.  I have gotten back to almost exactly where I was.  I gained all but 7 pounds back, and my measurements got really close to what they used to be.  I was very upset with myself. 

And then I remembered - it's in the past!  I doesn't matter if it was six months ago.  If I focus on my failures instead of my accomplishments, I will never succeed.  I looked at my stats, and thought to myself - I will NEVER get back to where I was.  It's only onward and downward (weight-wise) from here.  I was really proud of myself.  I took a moment that normally I would beat myself up over, and turned it into something positive.  I put my shoes on, and picked up the weights and went toe to toe with Jillian. 

About halfway through, I started to feel really anxious.  I knew that Matt would be getting home soon.  I kept picturing him walking in, and seeing me jumping around my living room, and began to feel really insecure.  I was home alone, and I was worried about my shirt riding up when I was doing jumping jacks.  I kept pulling my shirt down, and pulling my pants up, and my heart was racing.  I thought I was going to have a panic attack. 

And then I remembered... Number one - Matt loves me the way I am - right now.  He doesn't care if I am skinny or not.  He loves my body just the way it is, and he tells me so all the time.  Why was I so anxious?  So maybe he would giggle at me - it wouldn't be malicious.  If he did - it wouldn't be to hurt me or to make fun of me.  That's not who he is, and it's not who we are.  Number two,  I remembered the picture I posted a few days ago on here.  The caption was - What are YOU laughing at?  I'm working out while you are sitting on your fat @ss.  And those words just fueled my fire.  I started working harder, pushing harder, and before I knew it - it was over.  And as I took my first drink of water after my cool down, I heard the door.  My love was home.  And he saw me all hot and sweaty and gross, and he told me he was proud of me.  And then I was even MORE proud of myself.  Then I finished my day by going to church, picking up dinner for Matt and myself, finishing my gallon of water (3 days in a row!), a hot shower, and going to bed early. 

It was a FANTASTIC day.  :)

One day down, 45 more to go!!!

Height: 5'10

Weight: 223.8

Waist: 46.0

Hips: 47.0

Chest: 46.0

Right Arm: 12.75

Left Arm: 13.0

Right Thigh: 28.0

Left Thigh: 27.5

Neck: 15

Water %:  43.8

Muscle:  66.0

BMI:  31.6

Body Fat %: 40.0

Goal: 160 pounds

Pounds left to Lose: 63

40 Day Shred

Today is Ash Wednesday.  It is an interesting day for me, and one that I have been contemplating (on multiple levels) for a while.  I have not participated in this day in many years.  I was born and raised Catholic, but my faith was tested several years ago.  I have been through some things in my life that really made me question everything I thought I believed in.  

 

I have been making a lot of personal changes this year.  Life CHANGING changes.  I have a lot of goals that I would like to achieve, and I have set the ball in motion on many of them.  One of those is to get back to my faith, and to get back to God.  He and I have some issues we need to work out, but we can't fix our problems if we are not speaking.  So - I have a meeting with one of the Parishioners at St. Johns this evening before the 7 o'clock mass.  I am registering as a parishioner, and I will be attending Mass tonight to begin the Lenten season off right. 

 

My next train of thought was - what to give up for Lent?  I was always taught that it is supposed to be something difficult to give up.  I immediately thought of Facebook - which would be extremely difficult for me.  But since I am using social networking to assist me in my weight loss journey - that's probably not the best idea.  So - what can I give up that would be hard, but would also help in achieving another goal?  I finally decided on Soft Drinks.  No Mt. Dew.  No Diet whatever.  And no kool-aid either.  None.  Zip.  Zero.  Zilch.  I can have coffee, tea, juice, water.  That's it.  Ooooohhh.  And wine and beer.  Shut it - St. Patty's Day falls in this time frame, and I am and Irish Catholic.  Whaddaya want from me?!?! 

 

I also heard a friend of mine talking about the good they were taking on.  I don't *think* I have done this - give up something bad for you, take on something good.  So I am going to do this too.  I thought it would be the perfect time to start back up my 30 Day Shred.  40 days in Lent, 30 days to complete the shred.  So, today is day one!  Tonight, I will take the "official" measurements - which I will post tomorrow.  Then 30 minutes of circuit training!  There are 3 levels of intensity on the DVD.  The plan is to do each level for 10 days.  So let's just call it the 40 day shred!!! 

 

I am really excited about this.  I want to see EXACTLY how much I can accomplish in just 40 days!  Then, I am going to take a picture with Dana on Easter - and post the one from last year!  I want to see a side by side comparison of what I have pulled off in a year! 

 

So - see you Fattys tomorrow!  Weigh in, measurements, stats, and an update of how horrible of a person Jillian Michaels is coming soon!!! 

Yesterday was a good day!

At least that is what I keep telling myself.  I actually tracked my food on MyFitnessPal.com.  I drank an entire GALLON of water - and by doing so, I proved to myself that yes, it can be done.  I stood in the cafeteria for 20 minutes deciding what I was going to have for lunch.  I ended up getting a salad, but I was not even happy about that.  The plates really aren't portion friendly, so it's hard to tell exactly what you are getting.  I decided before I had even paid for my lunch that I would not be partaking in cafeteria food anymore.  I just have more control if I just pack every day.  I opened the Fat Girl (this, my blog) up to friends on Facebook and MyFitnessPal.  I was actually having a really great diet day.

 

Then I got home.  And I found out that we were having dinner at Matt's mom's.  Dana and David and all the kids are there!  David is going to run out and pick up some chicken...  that sound okay?  Here are my reactions, in order of how they occurred.  Out loud; Oh yeah, sounds GREAT!!!  In my head;  Damnnit man, what the hell am I going to have for dinner then?  Inner Fat kid:  I've been craving fried chicken!!!!

 

Now, I am not sure if I have mentioned this previously, but my mother in law has some crazy powers of persuasion.  She has ways of making you do things you don't want to do.  She guilt tripped me until I ate.  She practically force fed me. 

 

And I am lying. 

 

She did no such thing.  In fact - while I chowed down on chicken, coleslaw, mashed potatoes and a biscuit - she stuck to her Weight Watchers, and made her own dinner.  My fat ass never thought twice about it.    And I didn't even feel guilty - until I did the walk of shame to the keyboard of my computer and logged my dinner.  I was over on my Fat allowance.  I was under on my calories.  And as I contemplated this - things started clicking in my head again.  And the following is why yesterday WAS a good day: I remembered!!!!

 

I remembered that I am allowed to have KFC.  Did I need that HUGE breast, and all the potatoes and coleslaw and the biscuit?  No.  I had simply forgotten the basics.  I have done enough research to know all of this.  Take note of the following rules fatty- and lets try to stick to them today. 

1.) Drink an 8 oz glass of water 15 minutes before you eat. 

2.) Don't put more than what the actual portion should be on your plate. 

3.) Take smaller bites. 

4.) Chew your food.  I have to remember that my mouth is not a shop vac.  There is no magic number, but chewing your food properly allows for the saliva needed to actually DIGEST your food so that your body gets the nutrients it needs - and can get rid of the crap you don't need.   

5.) Drink a sip of water between each bite.  This has several advantages.  Along with slowing your eating down, it allows for proper saliva production, which in turn helps to break down the food for digestion.  And since you are slowing down, your body has time to realize when you are actually full. 

6.) Want seconds?  Sure - just wait 15 minutes before you grab the second plate.  Then see if you are really still hungry. 

 

Now - with all that being said, today is Fat Tuesday.  This is the day that the Lord has made.  Just for a fat kid on a diet.  Yesterday - I planned on gorging myself today on every fattening thing I could find.  Today though - i'mmmm not so sure.  Can I eat some fattening things?  Yes - with all of the above in mind.  I have to remember what my goal is here.  The goal is to lose weight, not to find every excuse I can to NOT diet. 

 

While I may not have eaten the best, and I didn't exercise, I am making yesterday a positive experience.  Every day is a new chance, and a new opportunity to learn from my own mistakes.  I have to remember that not every day is going to be perfect, and there will days when everything doesn't go the way I planned.  Instead of beating myself down, and becoming depressed because I was not successful yesterday - I will learn from it, and make today a better day. 

 

Happy Fat Tuesday!

Already regretting this idea...

I did something today that I have never done before.  I opened this blog to the public.  I took a long time to think about it, and well - something's gotta give.  On myfitnesspal.com, they have an area for you to blog in, which I thought would be silly, since I am already doing it here.  So I invited all my followers from mfp.com to join me here.  Then, I really surprised myself.  I went to Facebook, and I made a post inviting anyone to follow.  Now, while I did not just send the link out to all of FB world, this was a big step for me.  The people from MFP don't know me.  They have never met me.  I will never see these people.  So I asked myself, "is this really accountability?"  Would I care to lie to a complete stranger, and say "Heeeyyyyy!!  Doing fan-fuckin-tastic!  I ran eleventy miles today, ate two sticks of celery, lost 26 pounds, and had to go buy a whole new wardrobe.  Today was a success!!!"  Probably not, because who would hold me accountable?  (Sorry MFP fans, just tryin to be honest here.  Don't judge me.) 

I don't have to share everything with everyone on Facebook.  And lets be honest, I think maybe 5 people might actually care.  So I invited people to participate.  If you want to be there for me, that is excellent - because I know me, and I know that in order to succeed, I need a lot of support and encouragement.  I need feedback, and constructive criticism, and congrats when I have achieved something I set out to do.  Otherwise, I let go.  I fall back on myself, and on this prison shank I have slowly been whittling out of a toothbrush since I became overweight at what, 17, 18 years old?  And then the weight comes back, and I do what any normal, rational person would do.  I try to eat my weight in oreo cookies, because I feel eating my feelings is better than dealing with the issue at hand. 

So - for those of you just joining us (and by us, I mean me) here's how this usually goes.  I do really well for a few days.  I post a lot.  Then I begin to fade, just a bit.  Then I realize that no one is actually reading anything that I am writing, and I go on a horrendous rant that usually offends someone that is still with me.  (Sorry Dana.  Love you.)  Then I apologize, kick it back into full gear, until the cycle repeats, and I fall on my self created prison shank of self-loathing and pity.  I wallow in my own sorrow and depression and fat rolls until I can't stand it anymore.  And then... Ohhhh Haaaii.  I'm back and doing this again. 

The point is this:  The cycle needs to end here.  No more bobbing and weaving.  No more excuses, no more vicious cycle.  Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.  He's a liar (and also lives in my head, just FYI).  Something has got to start happening.  I don't want to live like this anymore, and it's not just being fat.  I am tired of the excuses, the reasoning, the bullshit, and the depression.  I need to set a higher standard for myself.  I keep talking about setting examples for my kids.  I think maybe I should back that up, and worry about setting an example for myself first. 

So - if this is your first time here, welcome to my own personal hell. I normally write like I am talking to myself, because I honestly believe no one else will ever read this.  I ramble, I complain, and I cuss like a sailor.  Am I partially crazy?  Yes, but if you know me, you probably already knew that.  Also, you may want to go back and read a post from 08/01/2011 called "The very first post".  It will give you a better idea of why (and when) I started this journey in the first place.  Hope you enjoy my emotional roller coaster. 

I don't.  This ride sucks. 

Progress?

I went on a bit of a rant last week.  I got myself all pumped up.  I found a bunch of inspiring quotes, and helpful tips - and "do these 10 exercises every morning" sheets.  I printed them all out.  I updated myfitnesspal.com account.  I wrote on my blog.  I had had ENOUGH!

 

And then I went home and sat on the couch. 

 

Mother Fucker!!!!

 

Arrgggg!  I hate the cold, so I don't want to go outside.  I hate jumping around inside the house because I feel like I am going to end up in the garage below my living room.  I cannot get up in the mornings - I usually wake up 10-20 minutes before I walk out the door, and even that is only getting 5-6 hours of sleep.  I just don't know what I am going to do about the exercise part.  Hopefully, with either my Tax Returns, or my April bonus check, I will be able to buy the treadmill I have been wanting. 

 

Regardless, I did make some good choices last week.  I tried to drink more water, and less soft drinks.  I tried to eat more fruit and veggies instead of another handful of chips.  And I lost 2.30 pounds.  My goal has always been 2 lbs a week - and I met that.  I have to be okay with that.  But I also have to get moving.  I need to work out, walk, dance, roller skate - something! 

 

Maybe I am the kind of person that can't do it all at once - and maybe that is why I have never been fully successful.  Last week, I made a few better choices.  This week I'll make a few more.  If I keep building and building, I should get there -eventually.  I have to keep reminding myself that I didn't just wake up one morning 62.5 pounds heavier than I was when I went to sleep.  I put that weight on over time, and it's going to have to come back off the same way.   

 

62.5 pounds to go!

 

 

Today's the Day.

Today was weigh in day for Week 5 of the biggest loser competition at work.  I am in LAST place.  In 5 weeks, I have lost 1.8 pounds. 

 

Insert reality check. 

 

Number one, this is BULLSHIT.  It's bullshit that I am in last place.  It's bullshit that I have only lost 1.8 pounds 5 weeks.  These bitches (no offense) basically have a 5 week head start.  And it's not even about the competition, because the only real competition I have is myself.  I am better than this.  I have DONE better than THIS.  I started this more than 5 weeks ago, and for me this is more than a damn $120.00 jackpot.  This is my life.  MY self worth.  MY confidence.  MY health. 

 

Number two, I am the reason these goals have not been met yet.  I make excuses, for and to myself - and THAT shit stops right here.  Right fucking now.  When I started in August, I was the model of determination.  I set goals, I met them.  I said I was going to do something, I did it.  And then in December - I just quit.  I used Debbie's death as an excuse to go back to the laziness, and the fat, and the self loathing.  And it worked.  I put back on almost 20 pounds that I had lost.  Yes - since December 16th, in just 59 days, I have put on 20 pounds.  Are you fucking kidding me?!?!  And I knew it was happening.  I knew that I should have gotten back to eating right, and working out.  But - I looked at the number on the scale, and saw it creeping back up - and that was it.  Poor me.  I can't lose weight no matter what I do. 

 

Yes the FUCK you can FATTY.  You were doing it 6 months ago.  And it was working.  I am the ONLY person holding me back.  Everyone else believes in me.  I am the only one that doubts what I can accomplish.  Stop the stress and feeling eating.  Stop making excuses.  Get off the damn couch, put down the Doritos and M&Ms and do some push ups.  Do some jumping jacks.  Take a walk, a jog, a flat out sprint.  Jump rope.  30 day shred.  Do ANYTHING except lie to yourself and say you can't.  Or you don't have time.  Or you will tomorrow.  They are ALL LIES.  Today is the day.  Now is the time.  Wake up.  Get up.  Show up.  Or shut the fuck up.  Even I am tired of hearing me whine.