The COLOR Run - Lots of Pics!!!

Okay. So, it turns out that I was in such a funk, I never really gave an update on The Color Run. What an AMAZING day. It was **really** cold that day. It was in the low 40's when we left the house. I was extremely nervous for the entire car ride to Cincinnati. I thought I was getting there early, but I guess about 10,000 other people had a better definition of early than I did. It was just exciting to pull up and see all those people.

Everyone was stark white - the only colors I saw were some neon socks here and there, and a rainbow brite wig. Matt went with me to the start area and we stood and people watched for a bit. I was really anxious, and didn't want him to leave. I was petrified to be by myself in a group this large. Everyone was there with friends, or family, and I was alone. PETRIFIED. I finally agreed to let him leave, and I started walking towards the start. I burrowed my way in until I was about 2 blocks from the start. I put my headphones in, and gave myself a pep talk. Who cares if I was alone? I had been losing weight on my own. I had been training for this race alone. I had been working out alone. This was after all, about me. It had started as something for Madie and I, but it was really about me. I had done everything else alone... Why couldn't I do this?

I started getting more and more excited as the countdowns for each wave began. But if I heard "Call me Maybe" one more time - I was going to freak out. I turned the volume up, and did my best to drown out everyone else. Another countdown - inching forward. I finally sent Matt a text that said I thought I would be in the next wave or two. He was down by the river with my parents waiting for me to run by. OMG. They're counting. 5....4...3....2....1... GOOOOO!!!!

It was hard to start running - there were soo many people around - some walking, some running, some dancing. I was bobbing and weaving my way through the crowd until I could get some personal space, and I set in. Looking back now, I was going a little bit faster than I should have. I was getting tired quick. The thought of stopping to walk was just starting to creep into my head when I saw the first color station ahead of me - and just beyond that, Matt, my Mom and my Dad. The three people in the world that love me more than anything else were here for me. They came to see me run, and be successful. I will run until they are out of my sight, and then I will walk.

I made my way through the first color station (a walking break, luckily) and to my family. I started smiling when I saw them - and I saw them WAAAAYYYY before they saw me. Matt was filming me. Dad was taking pictures on their camera, and Mom was frantically screaming my name and waving. My own personal cheering section. My heart swelled. As soon as I passed them, tears streamed down my cheeks. They BELIEVED in me. It sent a jolt of adrenaline through me that carried me to the next walking point. Ahem, I mean, color station.

It really was impossible to run through the color. Everyone was walking. Some were crawling through it. I actually saw several people (at different checkpoints) actually rolling through it. Everything was just dreamlike. This was easier than I had expected it to be. The costumes were outrageous - tutus, halos, fairy wings, wigs, fake mustaches, you name it - I saw it. I even saw a bride in her wedding dress running with her groom in a tuxedo t-shirt.

When I came to my family on the way back, I stopped. Matt had held my color packets for me so I wouldn't have to carry them while I ran. He handed them to me, and they took some pictures and told me how proud of me they were. I could feel the tears coming again, so I told them I would see them at the finish line and took off. Really? The finish line? It was amazing. The sidewalks of the last block of the race were lined with thousands of people - runners, volunteers, supporters, and everyone was cheering. It was a pretty profound moment for me. In July - I had never ran more than a few seconds without getting winded. Now here it was, the first Saturday in October, and I had just crossed the finish line of my first 5K. I had set a goal of 45 minutes for the race. I completed it in 41:06 - and that was with the color station stops, and my little chat with my family before the dash to the finish. Not only had I done it, I had run every part that I could. I had done it faster than I had aimed for, and I did it alone.

It really was an amazing day - and a HUGE victory for myself. =)

Just getting there...  

Showing off my Color Run shoes...  <3

A sea of people in white 3 city blocks long...

Waiting for my wave!!

Getting closer to the start!

This is one of the Color stations, I wanted to show how crowded they really were. 

Mid race self-pic  =)

My Mama brought me a water to the finish line...  <3

I had a FANTASTIC time!

After the race at the finish line color festival

 

I did it!  I AM A COLOR RUNNER!!!

<3

The funny part is, I had wiped half of it off my face by the time we thought to take this picture.  =)

A Letter to Myself

Hey you.  Yes you.  The FatGirl staring at me.  I see you.  Can you see me?  I see the way you look at yourself.  I see the pain.  The frustration.  The disappointment.  The shame.  The pure HATE you hold in your heart.  I can see you.   

I can see in your eyes everything you've done, and I know what you want.  I know every calorie you've counted, every calorie you "forgot", every lunge you've taken, every mile you've ran.  I know every cheat you've taken, and every excuse you've made.  I know every second you've spent obsessing, every minute spent researching, every hour spent imagining.  I know. 

I have felt in your heart every beat of fear; every pitter-patter of pride, and every cracking break of defeat.  I know the breath in your lungs, and the length of your stride. I know about the sleepless nights, and the mornings slept in.  I know every thought in your head; every wretched memory, every hopeful dream, and every self-loathing reality. 

I know the disgusted looks you've been given.  I know the horrible words whispered in your ear.  I know the jokes that have been told about you.  I know every scar on your heart.  I know your dreams.  I know your insecurities.  I know your fear, your hate, and your lack of faith. 

I can feel you giving up.  I can feel you losing hope, and talking yourself into quitting.  I know you think you are lazy.  I also know that you know better.  Laziness, and a lack of faith in yourself are not the same thing. 
You would get up and workout if you KNEW with 100% of your heart that it would work this time.  You would stop sabotaging yourself if you KNEW with 100% certainty that things would change.  Laziness is knowing those things, and not doing anything about it.   

Here's the difference in what you know, and what you BELIEVE.  You know that it's going to work - if you put in the work.  You know that you are capable of this.  You've been there before.  But the belief in yourself is missing - and THAT is what is stopping you.  You know you CAN do this - but the years of teasing, and mocking, and dirty looks, and horrible jokes, and the crying, and the self-loathing, and using food as a coping mechanism - has you doubting yourself. 

I believe in you.  Your husband and children believe in you.  Your parents believe in you.  Your friends believe in you.  Even strangers believe in you.  Why?  Because you have done everything you need to - to get the job done.  You have talked a big game, and the only one that doubts you can do it - is YOU.   

I know you better than you know yourself.  I remember all the things you don't.  I remember every time you made the right choice.  I remember every time you did it, when you didn't want to.  I remember every time you've proved everyone else wrong.  I remember everyone else's words of faith, belief, and motivation.  I remember every goal you’ve set, every task you’ve conquered, every time you’ve proved yourself wrong. 

What you don’t know is – I have had every experience with you.  I AM you.  I am your reflection, your mirror image, the person you long to be.  I am the FitChick inside.  I am the skinny girl banging your head – raging inside to come out.  I have been here all along.  I am your personal cheerleader, the high five you get when working out alone.  I am the courage you have to stand up to your haters.  I am the sparkle in your eye you saw when that third chin disappeared.  I was the tears you cried when you fit into those jeans at the Gap.  I was the voice in your head on Saturday at the race telling you to go just ONE more block.  I am the butterflies in your stomach when he tells you how beautiful you are.  And I am getting stronger.
   
I am you.  I am inside.  I am every breath, every heartbeat, every muscle cramp, and every craving.  I am here, and I’m not leaving.  I am your constant reminder of what you want. 

Ever notice that I don’t go away?  Every time you quit – I am still in your head telling you what you need to hear.  It’s time.  I’ve had enough.  I don’t want to live like this anymore.  I am always here, and I will NEVER go away.  I will continue to scream and fight until I succeed.  I know eating right and working out is hard.  But being fat and hating yourself is hard too.   Which hard do we want? 

So it didn’t happen like we planned.  Things not happening fast enough?  Results not showing quick enough?  BOO FUCKING HOO.  Who’s fault is that?  It’s yours.  Because you believe what you have been told your entire life.  You believe you are the FatGirl that people have been mocking since the 3^rd grade.  And you don’t believe in ME.  You don’t believe there is a skinny girl inside literally DYING to come out.   

Are you tired of starting over?  THEN QUIT GIVING UP.  You CAN do this.  And I won't shut up until you do.  I’m here – and I’m not going anywhere.  

 <3 – The SkinnyGirl 

It's getting worse...

I know I am beating a dead horse here.  Two posts in one day on the same damn topic.  I am sinking, and sinking fast. 

Matt just asked me what was wrong.  I sent him a message saying, long story short, I weigh the same today as I did in March.  I told him that I am disgusted with myself.  That I need to make a decision.  That I need to either give 100%, or give up. 

He told me NO way.  100%, and he would help me. 

The only response I can think of?  I just don't think I have it in me anymore. 

This might be the last of the FatGirl...

I want to quit.

I know a lot of people will not understand this. I had a great weekend, and met one of my long term goals. The Color Run was this weekend. I ended up running it alone, since Madie is still recovering from her surgery. I set a goal for myself to try to complete the race in 45 minutes. I finished in 41:06!!! I was ecstatic! I was so proud of myself. I gave it my all. I didn't quit, and I didn't walk. I completed my veryfirstever 5k, and did it faster than I wanted to. I should be flying high right now - but I'm not. I almost feel like I should make this two separate posts, but this is it. This is me and how I feel right now. I am seriously discouraged.

If you have been following my blog for a while, you know that I started on a new higher calorie diet back in March. There is a new "theory" called Eat More to Weigh Less, or EMTWL, for short. I am not going to go into the long drawn out explanation of it now. If you want more details, go back to the post from March 22, called This is Crazy!! Prior to that date in March, I had been on a plateau for about 6 weeks. I had been on 1200 calories, had been doing the 30DS, and had been pretty successful, losing close to 70 pounds. Then it just stopped. I didn't change anything, it's not that I quit working out, or quit eating right, I just stopped losing weight. 

I started researching plateau's. I found out lots of information, and along the way stumbled upon the EMTWL philosophy. It seemed to be the answer I needed. I slowly started upping my calories. I slowed down on the cardio, and started lifting heavy. I knew from my studies that I would put on a few pounds - water weight, muscle weight, etc. Well, that happened. I was at 216 on March 16th, when I did my Humana Vitality screening for my health insurance. Within a few weeks, I was up to 223. I was not alarmed, and in fact had expected this gain - initially. But I thought those 7 pounds would fall back off. It hasn't happened.

Here we are, 6 months later. Guess how much I weighed when I stepped on the scale this morning? 223.4. I am actually 7 pounds heavier than I was in March. I haven't quit. I haven't been eating crap. I work out at LEAST 3 days a week. I have not changed a thing. And I still weigh the same thing. I can not explain the amount of disappointment, shame and absolute exhaustion I feel right now. I want to quit. This is fucking bullshit. I starve myself, and I lose, but then plateau. I eat the way I am supposed to, and exercise faithfully. I gave it time for my body to adjust. I stayed away from the scale so I wouldn't freak out. I took measurements and progress pictures. I drank water like it was my job, and quit drinking all the other crap. I gave up fast food. I ate clean 90% of the time. I turned down dessert after dessert, and beer after beer. I am still wearing the same clothes. I still can't wear a bikini, and my cruise is in 41 days. I am in tears.

I have NOTHING to show for it.

When I calculated all my information, height, weight, BMR, BMR, blahblahblah, it told me the amount of calories that I needed for my body to function properly. It was enough to keep my body healthy and fueled for the workouts I was giving myself, but enough of a deficit for me to lose weight. Well, apparently, 1900 is my maintenance number, not my weight loss number. I need to drop some calories, and see what happens.

I tell myself that, but honestly, I just want to quit. I still see the same person that has always been there in the mirror. Matt says he loves me the way I am, and in all honesty, he loved me when I was 70 pounds heavier. The kids tell me all the time that I am not fat. I know better. I know I am, and I know that medically, I am still in the morbidly obese category. But I am getting to the point where I just don't give a fuck. I work my ass off, and I am actually HEAVIER than I was in March. And it's not that I am losing crazy inches, because I am still wearing the same damn clothes. Something is NOT right here.

I work, and work and work. I'm not skinnier. I'm not healthier. My BF% is still the same. I am still sucking in my stomach for pictures. I was embarrassed of the photos taken of me at the race. I should be proud, and I did post the pictures. I am NOT proud though. I am disgusted with myself and my progress. There is NO way I am going to meet any of my cruise goals. I won't be 160 I like I set out to be in March. I won't even get to ONEderland by then. I would have to lose a 1/2 pound a day to get there.

So now, I am asking myself a question. How do I make myself continue this journey, when all I want to do is quit? I have all the reasons in my head. Because I don't want to have this conversation with myself this time next year. Because I don't want to spend another summer hiding from shorts, dresses, and bathing suits. Because I DO want to get there someday. Because, because, because!!! There are soooo many reasons to keep going.

And I still want to quit. Will I? I highly doubt it. But I want to.

Still the FatGirl.

Wanna know how I lost weight?

Trial and Error
Practice makes perfect
Just keep swimming

If at first you dont succeed...
Go on a foul mouthed rampage and quit
Plan B
Plan C
Do Cardio eleventy hours a day

Try harder
Try something else
Eat something else
Eat nothing but protein

Do Zumba
Dont eat something else
Eat everything except carbs
Throw things

Run
Plan F
Cuss a lot
Lift heavy things

Eat nothing - drink only protein shakes. 

Walk - EVERYWHERE
Start over and retry all those things
Do it again
Do it harder
Do it faster
Do it slower
Work out before work
Work out after work
Sweat
Cool down
Sweat
Eat
Shower
Read
Learn more
Learn WAY more

Learn that what you learned first is wrong
Trial and error
Practice makes perfect
Succeed. 

I'll get to that last one someday. 

 

<3 - The FatGirl

What Weightloss DOES to People...

Let me preface this post by saying... I did NOT write this.  This was written by a friend of mine on MFP.  To me, this was inspiratonal, and enlightening.  And it doesn't matter what side of the weightloss fence you are on....  she covers it all, and gives a very unique perspective of it all...  This is a long read - but it's worth EVERY.  SINGLE.  SECOND.  of your time.  I PROMISE. 

"When you have a body that you hate, that drags you down into the ground and you cannot hold your head high, and you beat yourself up daily and self-hate is such a normal part of your life that you dont even realize it - you take on certain qualities. You deliberately suppress any unattractive emotions, natural responses that may cause people to not like you so much.

No anger, no pushing to get what you need, or going for what you want if no one else wants it, or going against the group/hive mind, no rocking the boat, no taking offense. Oh she;s so sweet, she never gets upset or complains or causes a fuss, she just takes care of it.

When they actually mean that you become a doormat to avoid giving anyone a reason to think of you as anything more than the nice girl- cause if they take a harder look past the sweet and helpful side you offer to the world, they will notice that you are the one thing that doesnt fit into their world, the one thats twice their size, brings down the overall attraction rating for your group of friends, messes up the beautiful grading curve.

Your needs take 3rd or 4th place to everything else. Youd love to have the willpower and determination to spend time taking care of yourself- to change... but I mean, theres so much else to do. Taking care of your home and family, and everything at work, and all the relatives, and giving yourself time to just relax alone and enjoy the quiet, what would all these people do if you stomped your foot and said no more! time to make time for myself! Oh they would not like that at all. You cant be that selfish. A good person always puts others first.

Then you slowly start realizing that by constantly putting yourself down, ignoring your needs, ignoring your wants and your desires and your dreams and completely just passing on any semblance of the life that little 8 year old you thought she was going to grow up to have... you were crippling your ability to be of real value to the people you thought you were putting first.

Just because you put yourself last does not mean you are putting others' needs first. It just means you've grown so accustomed to being a doormat that you go lay down and take it automatically.

So you start realizing this, and as you start getting braver and more comfortable with the idea - you start testing the waters. You take your lunch break instead of covering for someone else and you sit down and eat a healthy lunch in peace. That person you usually cover for may or may not balk at first. Then you start doing little brave personal things like this more often.

So you start feeling a little bit of self-worth. At the very least, you deserve to have that happy little lunchtime. And you dont want to stop.

So you start getting braver. Bolder. Maybe you take an evening away from home and let everyone fend for themselves in the kitchen while you go take a long refreshing walk at twilight, just breathing in the fresh air and the colors in the sky and taking that time to reflect. Sure, your family will be all pissy. But they aren't thinking about you, are they? How often do they put your needs in the forefront of their minds? Surely not as often as you think of them. First always.

But because you took that time alone, your mood was so much better, and your body felt a little different and you were better able to be assertive at home the next day. Your kids or spouse are warily wondering about these changes - but youre being a great mom cause you feel confident in the decisions you make, cause you think about them during your evening walk and have time to weight the pros and cons instead of always having to make snap decisions.

And this give you more self-respect. And self-confidence that you are smart enough and experienced enough to know what is best. Which means your family and coworkers are less likely to talk you out of how you feel about something.

Time passes and you get bolder and braver steadily. Now its a gym visit in the morning as well as the walk or short jog on some evenings. Your family has had to adjust to eating healthy, and their btching and moaning wont make you change your mind on this because you are in charge of your family's nutritional health and youve done the research and you know what is best. People at work know better than to take advantage of you and expect you to turn over and break your back handling their workloads. If they need something from you, they know it needs to be a mutually beneficial exchange.

Because you have developed not only a stronger sense of self, but you have come to love it and want to defend it.

being told that you dont know what you are talking about, just doesnt fly. being told to put your needs last is ludicrous, because how can you care for all the other responsibilities in your life is you arent feeling healthy, have a meal in your belly, have your thoughts all gathered, time to make decisions, personal rest and time for your own hobbies and ambitions, a sense of what needs to be taken care of, well rested and energized? You would be completely unable to handle everthing. besides, you have learned how to prioritize your time so no one can accuse you of getting nothing done.

Youve become a better girlfriend, friend, mom, employee, dad, boss, brother....

And you wish you could go back in time and tell the former you - STOP! you must start living now! Its ok! you're gonna make it and its amazing on this side of the fence. come this way!!! its beautiful I promise, dont be scared, dont be lazy, dont put it off, come NOW!!!

But since you cant, you continue on being awesomer and awesomer and you start noticing that some of your friends and family have been picking up on your example, and against all odds, that fluffy little doormat has become a role model for fitness and determination. And just living a good life is helping other people you know and love!

And some things remind you of the dark unhappy past. And you get so protective of your new self love and happiness. Especially once you have learned that that a healthy sense of your value (not dumbed down or dimmed so as to not make others feel less than you) but youuuu in all of your shininess and beauty in the body more closely related to the one meant for you at birth as a healthy active human being.... is not a sign of vanity or negative egotism.... but a prerequisite for happiness.

because if you believe you have legitimate value, then you know you deserve the benefits you are reaping. and you will not apologize for not being the one that does all the hand holding because enabling others to continue on a path that leaves them under the thumb of everyone in their lives, weighed down with disappointment in themselves and their lives...... is something you refuse to endorse.

So when you see someone, about to have that moment when they wake up and want help making that first step - THEN you want to rush in and say- look! I know how! I can help! All you have to really do is want it enough to make these changes! I promise! Just dont do this! and start doing this! and read this! and omg im so happy to hear that you want to make these changes! Start by just taking a walk!!! its turned my life around! Im so happy! I finally udnerstand what it means to love my body! to know myself! to destroy obstacles and upgrade my life!! I knwo that i can accomplish anything!!

And that person looks at you, and they call you a skinny btch that forgot where she came from, chose to forget that she was ever fat, is completely vain and stuck on herself and is so pushy and such a knowitall and should be ashamed of how she is behaving. The nerve of that woman. Trying to get you to change your life. So impossibly rude and heartless. She has no idea where Im coming from. She acts like she knows me. Im so offended.

When people lose weight, they turn into such awful, stuck up sorry excuses for sympathetic humans.

...........and after getting this reaction over and over... sometimes that inspired person who lost all that weight... gives up on you. On all of the complainers, on all of the lazy ones who choose to keep their eyes closed and their judgments public.

At least they have learned that they can walk away from the negative influences creeping into their lives.

Like those that are just starting out and accusing us of being vain, rude, self absorbed skinny bitches when all we really did was finally comprehend what self-esteem and self-love really mean.

So good luck to you in your weightloss efforts and i hope one day you are one of us."

<3<3<3<3

Self Image

Okay - so, dicussion time. Well, I would like it if this turned into a discussion.  But at the very least, maybe I will get the wheels in YOUR head spinning, the way mine have been.  A few days ago, I was trying to explain to Matt what exactly I am trying to accomplish here.  And here's how that conversation went:

Me: I want to get muscle tone.
Matt:  So you want to look like a body builder?
Me: Uh, NO.  I just want, ya know.  Muscles. 
Matt:  So you want to look like a body builder. 
Me:  NO.  Not like a body builder.  Just fit.  Ya know, nice arms, defined legs, a six pack stomach.  Just... Muscles. 
Matt:  The only thing I see in my head is a body builder. 
Me:  Mother.  Fucker. 

I finally pulled up a picture on the internet and said, "HERE. I want to look like her!".

When I look at this, I see my dream body.  Long beautiful hair, thin face, built arms, nice boobs, crazy six pack abs.  And if her bottom half matched the top half, then I had my perfect model of the future me.  She was fit, and tan, and was built exactly the way I always dreamed of.

That turned into him photoshopping my head on to this poor woman's body - so that I could "see" what I would look like when I finally get there. It wasn't pretty.  Her body was still pretty.  My face was still pretty.  But together?  They were NOT pretty, at least, not in my opinion.  See for yourself. 

Once I saw that, I realized, that's not really what I want to look like. Don't get me wrong.  She's gorgeous.  She's just not... ME.  So I started looking. I finally found one, or two, or ten...  her legs; her ass;  her stomach; her chest;  her arms.  There was no ONE model I saw that I was like, THAT's it.  THAT's who I want to be.  I don't want to be a fitness model.  I don't want to be a barbie.  I don't want hips out to here, and waist >< that big, and boobs popping out to my neck.  I was surprised at what I realized I am REALLY after. I want to be fit. I want to be healthy, but I don't want to be rock hard. I really don't want the six pack stomach, but I don't want to carry 10 pounds of fat directly below my belly button either. I don't want to be "cut". A little definition, and a little shape here and there. I just want to be feminine. I want an hour glass shape, and soft curves, and a nice ass. That was truely shocking to me, because all this time, I had a completely different idea of what I was working towards.

We ALL have an idea in our heads of who or what we want to look like.  Even my skinny girls.  I have NEVER in my life met one female who was like, "NOPE.  Wouldn't change a thing."  So here's my question - who, or what do YOU want to look like?  Who do you want to be?  For the longest time - I hated my body.  Everything about it was disgusting.  Even when I was thin in highschool, I had such a warped self-image, that I thought I was fat then.  I would LOVE to have that body back now. 

My self-image is ever changing.  I'm still not happy with my body, but I am getting there.  I want my arms a little less flabby.  I want the muffin top on my belly gone.  I don't necessarily want to see muscle when I look down, but it would be nice to see my toes - without sucking in.  I am not expecting an ass that you can set a drink on.  I just want to be me.  I want to look the way I looked as a Junior in highschool.  That weight.  That belly.  That amount of muscle tone.  And the best part is, I don't have to scan the internet for hours looking for a motivational picture.  I don't have to photoshop my head on there, because it already is my head.  I've been there before, and I can do it again.  It was a long time ago, and I'm not 16 anymore, but I can do it.  There is no reason I can't get to that weight again.  To that body.  To my body. 

To be me again.  <3

The Ladies will understand....

Let me preface this by saying - my male readers may want to skip this post.  It will be of NO interest to you.  Seriously.  GTFO now.  Unless you want to understand your wife/girlfriend/friend/daughter's time of the month better. 

Really?  The first day?  I missed the first damn day of my morning workouts?  I am beyond frustrated, but I am sure that has a lot to do with the reason why I missed the first damn workout.  And why I have been so fatigued the last few days.  And irritable.  Yup.  You guessed it.  My lovely time of the month.  It was right on time - but it caught me off guard because I didn't have the normal symptoms.  I have never been fatigued with my TOM before in my life - that I can remember.  I usually am pretty irritable (just ask Matt), but the cramps are my number one signal.  Since I was 12 years old, cramps start 3 days before, and I have really bad back pain.  This time - I was just tired and eating like crazy.  I thought that either I had pushed myself too hard working out, or I was getting sick. 

I was exhausted yesterday.  Matt let me sleep until almost 11.  I woke up, went running, went to Lil Miss' soccer game, and I was ready for BED at 7:30 last night.  Literally.  I hung in until around 9:45 - then went to bed.  And it started around 11 - the cramps, the lower back pain, the heat flashes and cold sweats.  There was no warning.  It was already here.  I took medicine, and used a heating pad, and tried multiple hot showers.  Between all that, and rocking like a crazy person, and laying in the fetal position, I MAY have gotten two hours of sleep last night.  MAY.  I was NOT going to cut that down to an hour to try to get up to work out.  I am barely functioning as it is.  I am exhausted, and hungry, and cranky, and bloated, and crampy, and NOW I'm pissed. 

Why?  Why Mother Nature, did you decide to drop this on me today?  I was ready to go.  I laid my clothes out last night.  I moved the furniture in the living room.  I put the DVD in the player, and had my weights and everything ready to go.  I had mentally prepared myself to get up early.  I even went to bed early.  And you decide to just DROP in, unannounced?!?!   That's some bullshit right there.  You are purposely trying to sabotage me - and I don't like it.  So today,  I am going to go home, and just do what I can.  Right now, I am so tired, I keep daydreaming about falling asleep at my desk, and waking up with the imprint of my keyboard on my forehead.  I can't imagine going home and doing ONE workout, let alone two.  Hopefully I can muster up enough energy to do one workout, and that will wake me up enough to do the second - but I am not making any promises about doing either.

OR - maybe I should just plan on going home, getting in a hoodie and some yoga pants, and curling up on the couch with a heating pad and a percocet. 

Yep.  I think I'll go with Plan B today.    Tomorrow's another day. 

<3 - TheFatGirl

"If nothing changes, nothing changes..."

I am so confused. Like - I REALLY don't know what to do - confused.

On Wednesday night, I had my first (and probably ONLY) session with a personal trainer at the gym. I told him what I have been doing, and what my goals are. I told him I wanted to eat clean(er), continue C25K, and lift heavy. We took all of my measurements and he became confused. Why did I want to lift heavy? I need to be doing resistance circuit training. He told me that I had already built up enough lean mass (I didn't know there was a magic "enough" number...), and that I needed to change it up to burn my "extra layer of love" off.  And yes, he really called it that.  Keep the heart rate up, lift less weight, more reps. He wanted to know how long I had been in a plateau, and what I was doing when I lost the most weight.

This is where I am both confused, and torn. What he is telling me goes against everything I have researched over the last few months. And he used the work BULK, which really bothers me. Lift heavy. Build lean muscle. Eat more to weigh less.  BUT part of it makes sense, because at the time I was losing the most weight, I was doing Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred - which is... Resistance Circuit Training. I have gone back and forth over this for, well, the last 3 days. And here's what I've come up with.

I had only done ONE workout of the Strong Lifts 5x5. I have been lifting, either NROLFW, my own thing, or 5x5 since March, and I am not getting results. My 5k is in 3 weeks. My cruise is in 65 days. I have been gaining and losing the same 5 pounds for 6 months. What is changing my routine going to hurt? There is NO way I am going to meet my goal weight in 65 days (unless we are amputating a limb or two). I doubt I will be able to finish C25k in time for my race, since I have been stuck on week 5 for, oh, what? A month now? I have been so frustrated. Maybe it IS time for a change.

So here's the plan. I am going to continue doing C25k. I am GOING to graduate from that program, and I don't care how long it takes. And we're going back to the 30 day shred. This may actually work. First off, it will fit with my schedule better, since everything has been so crazy with the kids having soccer 4-5 days a week. 30 minutes is easier to find in my schedule than 60-90 that I usually spend at the gym (drive, tan, and workout time). On the days I can make it to the gym to run (and tan), I might throw in some extra weights - but I'm not going to beat myself up over it.

Starting Monday - It's GO time. On week days - I am going to get up early, and do it before work. That way - I have time to do C25k in the evenings at the gym, at home, or at the soccer field - whatever is available and convenient. On non-kiddos-days, maybe I can even make it to the gym for a second workout. These 30 days should take me through the end of the soccer season, and half way to my cruise. It will free up some MUCH needed time, until soccer is over. And, by then, I will have completed the program for the second time, and I will know how to spend the last 30 days before my cruise sets sail. If I get some results in the next 30 days, maybe I'll even give Ripped in 30 a shot for the last 30 days...

I know. 30 days in a row is more than I have done in the past. Getting up and working out before going to work is new for me also. And I am scared that I will not be able to do what I am telling myself to do. BUT. I keep telling myself how committed I am to this journey. We are all about to see just how committed I am. How far will I go to reach the goals I have set for myself? How far will I push my body? How committed have I really been? What am I willing to sacrifice?  30 minutes of hitting the snooze button?  I CAN do that! 

I have to have faith in myself. I have to put in the work, and the time, and the effort on a consistent basis, IF I want results. It's certainly not going to make things any worse. And if this doesn't work out for me, then I can go back to whatever when the 30 days is up. I can do this. I can work out every day for a measly 30 days. I can get up early for 30 days. I CAN do this.

#WatchMe!
 Love - FatGirl

Progress...

Yesterday was a confusing day for me.

I was disappointed with the results I got from weighing in/measuring. And it wasn't that it wasn't enough of a loss. It was the fact that I gained BF%, and lost lean body mass. Which is what started my crusade to find out what I had been doing wrong. If you read my post yesterday, then you already know I figured it out. When I got home last night, I read Matt my blog posting from yesterday. He asked why I was so disappointed. He couldn't understand, because he was focused on the progress I have made, not the one, minor, not even a whole percent increase, that I was obsessing over. And he was right.

As many of you know, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE me some Pintrest. On my FatGirl board, I have a quote that says "The number one reason that people quit is because they look at how far they have to go, not how far they've come." This is soooo true. Yesterday, I was SOOO focused on the one thing that brought me down, instead of focusing on the amazing numbers I have achieved.

Today, I am celebrating just how far I have come. So, here are the stats again, along with a progress pic. GO ME!!!

So far on my journey, I have lost 68 pounds.

Since I actually started keeping track (of more than just the scale), I have lost 15.4 pounds of PURE FAT. I have gained 17.5 pounds of PURE MUSCLE. I have lost 31 inches off my body. I have lost 4 pants sizes, and gone from a 2X sized shirt, to a L.

I have not taken a single diet pill, or miracle drink, or gone on a fad diet. I have counted every calorie, and worked my ass off.

And these are the results... :)

I am SUCH a fucking idiot!!!

It has been one of those days.  As in, I am ready to scream my fucking head off - kind of day.  Nothing major has happened.  It's just been one tiny thing after another.  I didn't run this morning.  I got up when the alarm went off.  I literally got out of bed and went and got a drink of water, and decided not to run for absolutely NO reason at all.  Just laziness.  I just laid back down.  THAT pisses me off.  To make a long morning short - I was late for work, thanks to the lady-man at the gas station.  Now I have to work late today, in addition to already working late for Monday.  Then my Mom calls about the Civic.  Dad ends up coming here, so I could sign the title of MY car over to him.  Then I get the call that it's not enough.  I have to meet him at the courthouse tomorrow on my lunch.  Now I have to stay late tomorrow too, after I already worked late yesterday.   

I did my weigh in, and measurements last night.  I have lost 2.7 pounds, and 4.5 inches.  But, my lean body mass has decreased, while my fat body mass and percentage of body fat has increased.  GREAT.  That means I am losing muscle, and keeping the fat.  No wonder everything still looks the same to me.  This also means that I am not eating enough.  I have tried the 1200 calorie crap (before I knew better...).  I did the fruit flush (before I knew better).  I have tried figuring out my calories using the BMR/TDEE way.  The NROLFW way.  The here's the latest way to figure it out way.  And guess what? I am at the exact same weight I was at this time last year.  Measurements are pretty close too.  Now, I know between November of 2011 and February of 2012, I gained quite a bit of what I had lost back.  That really pisses me off.  I know I have changed a lot this year - but If I had stuck to it last year, where would I be now?  Its aggravating.

So - It's time for a change.  AGAIN.  I have tried this method once before, and based off of what I found by looking back at my numerous charts, graphs and very detailed blog - I found the method where I actually lost weight without starving myself.  Thank you, HelloitsDan.  Once I read over his road map (again) I realized that I have been eating at my BMR.  Which means – with all the exercise I have been doing, I am netting WAAAYYYYY below my BMR.  My body thinks it’s starving – so it’s using all of the muscles I have been working so hard to gain as fuel, and storing the fat I have been working so hard to get rid of.  That would explain the loss in pounds and lean body mass, and the gain in fat body mass, and percentage of body fat.

Mother.  Fucker. 

I have been working against myself all this time, when I thought I was doing everything right!!!  It FINALLY makes sense!!!  Also, because I am so organized, and I have kept detailed records of everything I have done, and tried – I have all of the original information from the FIRST time I calculated all this out using Dan’s roadmap.  Those numbers are pretty exciting – even if it is a 5 month time span. 

On 3/22, I had 109.6 pounds of Lean Body Mass.  Today that number is 127.1.  That means I have GAINED 17.5 pounds of muscle! (Either that, or my spleen is gaining weight…). 

On 3/22, I had 106.4 pounds of Fat Body Mass.  Today that number is 91.0!  That means I have lost 15.4 pounds of pure FAT off of my body!!!

On 3/22, I had a Body Fat % of 49.3%.  Today that number is 41.7%!!!  That’s a loss of 7.6% Body Fat!!!

On 3/22, my BMR was 1450.  Today it is 1617!

Those are great numbers!  I can only imagine what I would have accomplished had I stayed on this roadmap…

It’s time to get back on the train.  I have everything else right.  I have developed good eating habits.  I have stuck with my exercise program, and even increased it.  I have been drinking a TON of water.  Everything else makes sense now.  The only thing left to do is to give my body more fuel.  It’s time to up the calories again.  1900 Calories on rest days, and 2200 on work out days.  It's time to DO WORK, and get rid of this FAT once and for all. 

#NeverGivingUp

August NSV!!! (Non-Scale Victory)

The official August miles count is in.

I must say, at first, I didn't believe the website. I had checked in periodically, uploading my pedometer, or my runs, or walks. I knew I was getting close.  On the morning of the 31st, the website said I was at 49.93 miles.  I was so excited, that I announced it all to MFP, FB, and anyone else who would listen.

When I logged in this morning, I had some ridiculous number over 80!  There is no way I did 30 miles in a DAY.  Come the fuck on.  After I really - really looked at it, I noticed they were giving me double credit for my walks and runs. For example, on the 30th, I walked/ran 10,973 steps. That is equivilent to 4.46 miles. In addition to that, they gave me credit for a 2.96 mile walk that I uploaded using my iPhone and the HumanaFit app. While Humana gives me credit for that twice (a pedometer upload of at least 10k steps, and a tracked exercise on a smartphone), for what I am doing, the true number would be the 4.46, not 7.42.

I had to do the math several times, but after 47 tries, I finally figured it out. And then I double checked my math another 19 times to get the "official" count. August equals = 67.01 Miles!!! I am in SHOCK!!! 67 MILES?!?! Talk about a change! Just for reference, in July, I only logged 27.27 for the ENTIRE MONTH. That's a 40 mile difference in just one month! I am VERY, VERY proud of myself! =D

Now, for September, I am getting ready to try to implement a few more changes. I am going to try to start getting up and running in the morning, and then just doing my weights in the evening. I want to try to get in 10,000 steps every day. I rested on Sunday and Monday, so I have a goal of 280,000 steps this month. And, since I hit 67 miles in August, I am reaching for 70 in September.

Pretty Freakin' stoked right now.

There is one other thing I want to mention.  Someone asked me why I sometimes keep my goals to myself.  They asked if the "challenge was enough" for me. 

I don't do it because the challenge is enough for me. I mean, it is - but that's not the reason. I do it because I am afraid of failure. If I set some crazy goal, like getting 70 miles in for September, and I tell everyone... what if I fail? I feel like I am disappointing everyone, and everyone will know that I failed, once again. BUT, if I keep it to myself, and I DO FAIL, then I am the only one who knows I failed. I'm my own worst critic anyway. I would rather fail in private, and celebrate in public.

I don't know. I'm just still insecure with myself. I obviously still have a lot of internal healing to work on, along with becoming a healthier individual on the outside.  But this is a process, and a journey.  I continue to grow and learn - every day.  See!  Look up above where I announced my goals for the month!  That was something I DIDN'T do last month!  I am learning that what works for others, does not always work for me.  I am an individual, and always will be.  I am just striving to be a healthier individual - both inside and out. 

<3 - The Fat Girl

Failure, or Success?

For those of you that read my blog - I am sure you are used to me by now and how my posts normally go. I don't think this is going to be a normal post. While I can't promise not to ramble, I promise not to give every detail of every day since my last post.

One side of me is in a phenomenal place right now. The other side is not. Since the kids have started back to school, I have found it increasingly more difficult to find the time to exercise. I plan to go to the gym. I really do. And then something comes up, and I don't get to go. If it's not one thing, it's another. Soccer practice, piano, doctor appointments, dentist appointments - and everything is always a surprise. It's extremely difficult as we only have one vehicle. Matt used to be able to use his work truck for little trips here and there. But they have changed the rules on that. Now once the truck is home - it's not going anywhere. It's beyond frustrating to plan something all day long, and 5 minutes before you are supposed to do it, it get's tossed out the window. I always thing of the quote "The lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine". As a parent - that is not the case. Your kids come first - no matter what. So I have adapted.

I have a new found dedication that surprised even me. I have a contingency plan for days that life gets crazy. I started walking at work. I wear my pedometer every day. If I go outside for my break, I take the stairs. All 10 flights of them. I started parking my car farther away in the garage. Now, I have to climb 3 flights of stairs - just to get to ground level in the parking lot. I walk for 30 minutes every day on my lunch. I try to hit 10k steps each and every day. I have been drinking water like it's my job. So much that I was accused of having an eating disorder AND trying to drown myself. What I don't think some of these people understand is, I'm not drinking any more than I should be. Using the simplest calculation possible - (1/2 of your body weight = how many oz to drink) puts me at almost 110 oz of water per day. Then add in coffee, and exercise, and the number gets higher and higher. And I've met that goal every day. I have logged into MFP everyday. I figured that doing these little things everyday would help on the days when life is too crazy to fit the gym in. At least I did something, right?

With that, came this sense of self confidence. I am starting to feel good in some of the clothes I have. I don't spend my entire time obsessing over the way that I am sitting, or standing, what fat rolls are hanging out where, or what other people are thinking of me. I feel better about myself in front of Matt. Some days I look in the mirror, and I see the progress I have been longing for. Sometimes I put my favorite pair of work pants on, and realize they feel just a bit more loose than they did last time. Then I try to remember if I have already worn them one day, or if they are fresh out of the laundry. Then I realize I am wearing the same pair of pants to work everyday that I was wearing a year ago. And then the sense of failure begins creeping in the back of my head. There has been ZERO change. In a year. And I am ready to quit. Then there is C25k - which has been great in so many ways. But I am beginning to hate it.

Earlier this month, the week of the 5th through the 11th, was supposed to be Week 4 for me. Long story short - It's 4 weeks later, and I am still on Week 5. Don't get me wrong with that statement. I have been running. I have just not made any progress. I did Week 4 a second time, and have spent the last 2 weeks trying to complete Week 5. I have not been successful. At all. I have this weird block on myself that I can't seem to get past. I find that I am giving up on myself when I have barely started. And my fear grows with each workout I attempt and fail. Each time I fail, it proves more and more that I cannot do this. Last night, the crazy schedule creeped up on me again. I had planned on going to the gym, and at the last minute - plans changed. For all of about 3 minutes, I had myself talked out of running at all. But as I was explaining to Matt why I couldn't work out, I noticed I was gathering up my running gear, and getting dressed. I decided to just run at home around the neighborhood. I grabbed Harley and her leash, and before I knew it, I was gone. I was talking to myself. Out Loud. You CAN do this. You CAN do this! I did my warm up walk, and started running. And lasted about 3 minutes. I walked for about 15 seconds, then talked myself into running again. I lasted maybe a minute that time. MAYBE.

I was blaming everything. It's because it's too hot out. It's because Harley keeps running in front of me. It's because my left calf muscle is on FIRE right now. It's because this hill is just too fucking hard. I switched to Day 2 mid-workout. THAT didn't work either. Again, I made it about 3 minutes before I stopped. I sabotaged myself on that one. I was calling myself names. I was a cheater. I was a quitter. I was making excuses. I was lying to myself thinking that I, the Fat Girl, would ever be able to run. I walked home with my dog with tears streaming down my cheeks. I stretched that Left calf muscle out, jumped in the shower, and we were out the door 10 minutes later. I was depressed. I was angry. But most of all, I was disappointed in myself. I was ashamed.

I finally talked to Matt about it last night. He had some really good thoughts that I need to try to keep in mind. He told me that while I may be a failure in my own eyes, I am a success in his. He said that I have defeated myself every run in the last 4 weeks - and I see not being able to complete the runs as failure. But after each failure, I put my shoes back on, and try again the next day. He explained that not being able to finish is not failure. To be beaten 12 times, and to still get back out there every day and try again, is success. To be beaten 12 times, and quit - THAT is failure. He told me that I was an example for him and our kids that if you want something, you don't give up. You keep trying.

I may not be running 20 minutes every day - but I am TRYING to run 20 minutes every day. That in itself is more than I used to do. This is just me. No one else is telling me to do this. No one else is telling me to lose weight, or to go running, or to lift weights. I have made a decision about my life, and I have stuck with it. I am eating better than I ever have. I am more conscious of my health and my body than I ever have been. To do what we do every day takes a lot of physical and mental strength, time, dedication, and discipline.

Each time I take the stairs instead of the elevator is a success.

Each time I grab a piece of fruit, instead of the bag of chips, is a success.

Each time I drink water instead of a Mt. Dew is a success.

Each time I set a goal, and achieve it, is a success.

And each time I put on my running shoes and try again, is a success. Regardless of the outcome.

And damnnit - I am going to be successful again today.

Love - The Fat Girl

Meh.

I’m having a weird day.  I have gotten so many compliments over the last few weeks – and from people I’d never expect (i.e., Matt's ex, Donna).  “Wow, you’ve lost a lot of weight!  What are you doing?”  And I tell them, I’ve been running 3x a week, and I watch what I eat.  Simple as that.  Easy Peasy. 

Except…  I’m not.  Well, kinda.  Arrrggg!  I don’t know!

I DO run 3 times a week, for the most part.  I’ve had a few weeks where I was off a day or two because of all the other crap going on in my life.  If I miss a day – I don’t beat myself up about it.  Unless you are today.  Then I’m beating the crap out of you, because I am in a shit mood for some reason.  Maybe because I was supposed to run last night, and didn’t. 

My diet is what is killing me.  First, I’ve been slacking on tracking what I eat.  I have been logging onto MFP every day, but I have not logged one calorie I have put in my mouth since last week.  Why?  I don’t know.  I’m fat and lazy I guess.  Second – I have not been eating the way I should.  It’s not that I am doing BAD – it’s just not GOOD.  I have been drinking Mt. Dew again.  I have been eating chips again.  I have been sneaking treats late at night.  And I mean SNEAKING.  Why?  I don’t know!  I’m the only one that cares, so I don’t know why I am hiding it from everyone else.  I guess I am trying to pretend it’s not happening.  It’s not that I am binging on junk food, because I’m not.  But I am picking up the wrong snacks.  What used to be an apple, is now a handful of Dorito’s. 

Mother.  Fucker. 

Now – let me explain why I am in my I don’t know how I feel shitty ass mood.  Yes, I have been getting compliments.  Yes, people have noticed that I have lost weight.  Yes, people are asking how I have been successful.  And yes, I am making bad food choices, and making excuses when I don’t get my workout in.  What scares me is the sense of complacency I have.  I’m eating Dorito’s and drinking Mt. Dew, and still getting complimented.  In my head – my inner fat kid is rejoicing.  People think I’m skinny!!!  The Dorito’s aren’t killing me!  Yay!  SO – I begin to let things slip a bit.  Instead of Dorito’s being an occasional treat – it becomes and every night thing.  I eat GREAT all day, and 10pm rolls around, and I feel like I’ve don’t so good all day, I can have whatever I want, and It won’t matter.  And 10 pounds from now, I am gonna be like – where in the hell did THOSE pounds come from.  OH yeah, the Dorito’s I started eating every night because someone told me I looked like I was losing weight! 

This is an EVERY DAY mental struggle for me.  I make excuses so that I can go back to my old ways.  I am on some kind of weird teeter totter where one second, I get complimented, and I can feel the pride swell inside me.  I smile.  I stand up a little straighter.  I hold my shoulders back, and walk tall – straight to a mirror.  And the fat girl is looking back at me - and I totter.  I don’t see the change.  I haven’t been on a scale, so I don’t know for sure, but I don’t see it.  My clothes aren’t fitting any different.  I’m still in the same size I was in months ago.  I don’t think I’ve lost anything in months.  And now, the bag ‘O Dortio’s is looking pretty good. 

This cycle has got to stop.  I need to get back on track – just a little bit at a time.  I have made a small list of goals for myself to get back to what used to be an everyday habit for me.  And I need help.  I NEED someone to jump my ass when ONE thing on this list doesn’t get checked off every day. 

1.)    I need to drink at LEAST 8 glasses of water.  Every day.  Period. 

2.)    I need to put down the Mt. Dew. Period. 

3.)    I need to track my calories – EVERY.  DAY. 

4.)    I can only have a piece of fruit or a protein shake after 9 pm. 

5.)    I need to start making my own coffee at work again, instead of stopping at the gas station in the mornings (save money, less coffee creamer...).

6.)    I need to get my run in 3 times a week, and lift 3 times a week***

7.)    I am going to start walking at work.  I get two 15 minute breaks, and one 30 minute break every day.  I will spend at least 30 minutes walking every day at work. 
8.)  Get to ONEderland by the time we set sail on our cruise... 95 days to lose 20(ish) pounds.  Again, I haven't been on the scale in a while, and I will NOT get on it until the day we set sail.  I just hope when I do, the first number will be a 1. 

Those are the goals.  One thing I do need help with – the *** after number 6.  I have been finding it extremely hard to find time to do NROLFW.  I know I need to do deadlifts and squats.   But I need to work on my stomach and my arms.  For those that do an “Ab Day” or “Back and Arms” day – what exercises are you doing?  I need to write down a routine, and stick to it.  Any suggestions would be welcome! 

Sorry for how long this was.  I am just really struggling today, and I needed to use my fingers to type instead of shoveling food into my mouth.  Now… where did I leave that bag of Dorito’s?

I need to throw it away.  J

Time to play Catch Up....

... and update you all on what has been going on.  As you all know, I have been doing this C25k program for a while.  I have been faithful at times, and other times, not so much.  So a few weeks ago, I said forget it, and started back at Day 1 so that I could try to track my progress a little better.  Madie asked if she could run with me one night.  While we were out, we were talking about why we run.  I told her I was doing it to help me get into shape.  She asked if I was planning on running a 5 K when I “graduate” C25k.  And so it began.  I started looking online to try to find a 5k that would be fun for her and I to do together.  And I found The Color Run.  And I was devastated, because all of the races around here (Lexington, Louisville, Columbus, Indy, etc.) were all sold out.  I registered my email for notifications for new races, and all but forgot about it. 

About a week later, I received a notification.  The had added a race in Cincinnati!  I was so stoked.  I signed Madie and myself up, RIGHT AWAY.  I didn’t want to chance that it might sell out.  When I got home that evening, I had it all planned out how I was going to tell Madie.  They had a promo video on their website, and I was just going to show her the video, then tell her when it was over.  Donna had picked the kids up, and brought them over to the house.  She asked Matt if she could keep them that night, and we agreed.  But I told her I had something to show Madie before they left.  I was so excited, I couldn’t wait.  When the video came on, her face completely lit up.  She asked if we were doing it, and when I nodded, she was in tears she was so excited.  And I completely lost my high on the next words that came out of her mouth.  “Can Mommy do it with us?”  What was I supposed to say, NO?  I felt like an ass.  I don’t want Donna coming, but I don’t want Madie to know that.  I do my best to shield her from Donna and I’s drama.  So I said sure. 

Later that night, I got a text from Donna asking if I was really okay with this.  By that time I had thought about it.  This would be a good opportunity for Madie to see that Donna and I are getting along.  For Madie to spend time with both of us, without making the other one feel bad.  For the three of us to spend some time together, just us girls.  So again, I said, yes it was fine. 

Fast forward two weeks.  This past weekend - we went on a weekend trip to Dale Hollow to go boating with two other couples. I should mention that both of the other females are STICK thin, even after having kids. I was more than a little nervous to get into a bathing suit in front of them. On a last minute whim, I bought a two piece swimsuit. I am still a long way off from my goal weight, but in a strange way, I felt more comfortable in the two piece than in my grandma's hide everything ya got suit. Our first full day out on the water, we stopped at one of the docks on the lake. They had an ice cream stand, which I wanted, but passed up. Then I overheard two women talking about me... "Would YOU wear that out in public?!?" "Oh HELL NO." I watched them stare at me, then pretend to look away when they realized I was watching them.

For the first time in my life, I spoke up. I turned around and said "Do you feel better about yourself, for tearing me down? Yes, I am still a little overweight. But in the last year I have lost 70 pounds - and I have EARNED the right to wear what I want. Thank you for making me feel bad about myself, after all the hard work I have put in." Then I went and got my ice cream.

Two things happened in that moment. First... Did I need the ice cream, no. But I realized, ONE scoop in a year isn't going to kill me. So I treated my fat ass to a single scoop while wearing the first bikini I have put on in YEARS. Two... I used to let things like this destroy me. I would decide that if one person looked at me that way, then everyone was looking at me that way. Not anymore. These chicks don't know me, or know where I have been or what I have accomplished.  NOW they motivate me to work that much harder. And next year, those bitches will be wondering what I do to make my body look THAT good. And I never forget a face. Maybe I will be a bigger person than you were and keep my mouth shut. OR, maybe I will call YOU fat and try to ruin YOUR weekend. Karma is a Bitch, and so are you. 

So after my big NSV (a Non Scale Victory) this weekend, I was feeling pretty high.  We got the kids back Sunday night when we got home.  I spent a while talking to Madie.  We were just chit-chatting when she filled me in on the latest news.  Donna signed up for the Color Run.  And so did her BFF Heather, and the BFF’s daughter, Caitlyn.  Madie was so excited Caitlyn was doing it too.  So I smiled, and changed the subject.  On the inside, I was SICK. 

I am sure that some of you will not understand my side of this, or will think I am over reacting, but I am PISSED.  I did the research.  I found the race.  I signed up and paid mine and Madie’s registration fees.  It cost me about $100 to pay for just her and I.  I gave Madie my old iPod.  I made her a playlist.  I downloaded the C25k app for her and showed her how to use it, so she can train when she’s at Mommy’s or Grandma’s or whoevers.  I did all the work.  During my planning, I never thought of Donna.  But I agreed to that.  Is it the ideal way I had imagined this going?  NO, but I can make that work.  Secretly I was hoping that by the time Donna tried to sign up, they would be sold out.  Originally I had thought this would be something for Madie and I to do together.  Now this has turned into Donna and her daughter, with her best friend and her daughter.  And, Oh Hi,  It’s me.  I’m over here.  How did I end up the odd man out when I planned the whole fucking thing?  I have met Heather once or twice – but I don’t know her.  Madie is going to be too busy playing with her friend to even pay attention to me.  What in the hell would Donna, Heather and I talk about?  I’m NOT friends with you two bitches.  I feel like Carrie.  I just got invited to the prom, just so they can throw pigs blood on me.  And I am so livid, I am about to burn this fucker down. 

I am not going to say a word.  I am going to show up on the day of the race, and if Heather and Caitlyn are there – I will dip out.  I will run in the race, but I am not doing it with them.  I didn’t pay all this money, and train my ass off for this, to feel awkward and out of place all day.  I will find some of my MFP friends, or someone else I know, and run with them.  I refuse to let her ruin MY day.  I am just super discouraged. I was excited to run with my little one. To see her little face when she gets doused with color at the first K. To see her excitement when she finishes. To see the explosion of color at the end of the race. And I feel like I have been cheated out of that. I will still participate. And I will find friends to run with. But I was more excited for her than I was for me.  Which is why I won’t ruin her day.  Madie is excited to have her Mommy, and Heather, and Caitlyn do this with her.  I wouldn’t take that away from her now.  But that doesn’t mean I have to be a part of it.  And I won’t be. 

I will just run away.  I am, after all, a runner now.  Just finished Week 3, Day 2 last night (for the umpteenth time).  I am down another 6 pounds, and I am going to keep on trucking.  Fuck 'em all.