Meh.

I’m having a weird day.  I have gotten so many compliments over the last few weeks – and from people I’d never expect (i.e., Matt's ex, Donna).  “Wow, you’ve lost a lot of weight!  What are you doing?”  And I tell them, I’ve been running 3x a week, and I watch what I eat.  Simple as that.  Easy Peasy. 

Except…  I’m not.  Well, kinda.  Arrrggg!  I don’t know!

I DO run 3 times a week, for the most part.  I’ve had a few weeks where I was off a day or two because of all the other crap going on in my life.  If I miss a day – I don’t beat myself up about it.  Unless you are today.  Then I’m beating the crap out of you, because I am in a shit mood for some reason.  Maybe because I was supposed to run last night, and didn’t. 

My diet is what is killing me.  First, I’ve been slacking on tracking what I eat.  I have been logging onto MFP every day, but I have not logged one calorie I have put in my mouth since last week.  Why?  I don’t know.  I’m fat and lazy I guess.  Second – I have not been eating the way I should.  It’s not that I am doing BAD – it’s just not GOOD.  I have been drinking Mt. Dew again.  I have been eating chips again.  I have been sneaking treats late at night.  And I mean SNEAKING.  Why?  I don’t know!  I’m the only one that cares, so I don’t know why I am hiding it from everyone else.  I guess I am trying to pretend it’s not happening.  It’s not that I am binging on junk food, because I’m not.  But I am picking up the wrong snacks.  What used to be an apple, is now a handful of Dorito’s. 

Mother.  Fucker. 

Now – let me explain why I am in my I don’t know how I feel shitty ass mood.  Yes, I have been getting compliments.  Yes, people have noticed that I have lost weight.  Yes, people are asking how I have been successful.  And yes, I am making bad food choices, and making excuses when I don’t get my workout in.  What scares me is the sense of complacency I have.  I’m eating Dorito’s and drinking Mt. Dew, and still getting complimented.  In my head – my inner fat kid is rejoicing.  People think I’m skinny!!!  The Dorito’s aren’t killing me!  Yay!  SO – I begin to let things slip a bit.  Instead of Dorito’s being an occasional treat – it becomes and every night thing.  I eat GREAT all day, and 10pm rolls around, and I feel like I’ve don’t so good all day, I can have whatever I want, and It won’t matter.  And 10 pounds from now, I am gonna be like – where in the hell did THOSE pounds come from.  OH yeah, the Dorito’s I started eating every night because someone told me I looked like I was losing weight! 

This is an EVERY DAY mental struggle for me.  I make excuses so that I can go back to my old ways.  I am on some kind of weird teeter totter where one second, I get complimented, and I can feel the pride swell inside me.  I smile.  I stand up a little straighter.  I hold my shoulders back, and walk tall – straight to a mirror.  And the fat girl is looking back at me - and I totter.  I don’t see the change.  I haven’t been on a scale, so I don’t know for sure, but I don’t see it.  My clothes aren’t fitting any different.  I’m still in the same size I was in months ago.  I don’t think I’ve lost anything in months.  And now, the bag ‘O Dortio’s is looking pretty good. 

This cycle has got to stop.  I need to get back on track – just a little bit at a time.  I have made a small list of goals for myself to get back to what used to be an everyday habit for me.  And I need help.  I NEED someone to jump my ass when ONE thing on this list doesn’t get checked off every day. 

1.)    I need to drink at LEAST 8 glasses of water.  Every day.  Period. 

2.)    I need to put down the Mt. Dew. Period. 

3.)    I need to track my calories – EVERY.  DAY. 

4.)    I can only have a piece of fruit or a protein shake after 9 pm. 

5.)    I need to start making my own coffee at work again, instead of stopping at the gas station in the mornings (save money, less coffee creamer...).

6.)    I need to get my run in 3 times a week, and lift 3 times a week***

7.)    I am going to start walking at work.  I get two 15 minute breaks, and one 30 minute break every day.  I will spend at least 30 minutes walking every day at work. 
8.)  Get to ONEderland by the time we set sail on our cruise... 95 days to lose 20(ish) pounds.  Again, I haven't been on the scale in a while, and I will NOT get on it until the day we set sail.  I just hope when I do, the first number will be a 1. 

Those are the goals.  One thing I do need help with – the *** after number 6.  I have been finding it extremely hard to find time to do NROLFW.  I know I need to do deadlifts and squats.   But I need to work on my stomach and my arms.  For those that do an “Ab Day” or “Back and Arms” day – what exercises are you doing?  I need to write down a routine, and stick to it.  Any suggestions would be welcome! 

Sorry for how long this was.  I am just really struggling today, and I needed to use my fingers to type instead of shoveling food into my mouth.  Now… where did I leave that bag of Dorito’s?

I need to throw it away.  J