Time to play Catch Up....

... and update you all on what has been going on.  As you all know, I have been doing this C25k program for a while.  I have been faithful at times, and other times, not so much.  So a few weeks ago, I said forget it, and started back at Day 1 so that I could try to track my progress a little better.  Madie asked if she could run with me one night.  While we were out, we were talking about why we run.  I told her I was doing it to help me get into shape.  She asked if I was planning on running a 5 K when I “graduate” C25k.  And so it began.  I started looking online to try to find a 5k that would be fun for her and I to do together.  And I found The Color Run.  And I was devastated, because all of the races around here (Lexington, Louisville, Columbus, Indy, etc.) were all sold out.  I registered my email for notifications for new races, and all but forgot about it. 

About a week later, I received a notification.  The had added a race in Cincinnati!  I was so stoked.  I signed Madie and myself up, RIGHT AWAY.  I didn’t want to chance that it might sell out.  When I got home that evening, I had it all planned out how I was going to tell Madie.  They had a promo video on their website, and I was just going to show her the video, then tell her when it was over.  Donna had picked the kids up, and brought them over to the house.  She asked Matt if she could keep them that night, and we agreed.  But I told her I had something to show Madie before they left.  I was so excited, I couldn’t wait.  When the video came on, her face completely lit up.  She asked if we were doing it, and when I nodded, she was in tears she was so excited.  And I completely lost my high on the next words that came out of her mouth.  “Can Mommy do it with us?”  What was I supposed to say, NO?  I felt like an ass.  I don’t want Donna coming, but I don’t want Madie to know that.  I do my best to shield her from Donna and I’s drama.  So I said sure. 

Later that night, I got a text from Donna asking if I was really okay with this.  By that time I had thought about it.  This would be a good opportunity for Madie to see that Donna and I are getting along.  For Madie to spend time with both of us, without making the other one feel bad.  For the three of us to spend some time together, just us girls.  So again, I said, yes it was fine. 

Fast forward two weeks.  This past weekend - we went on a weekend trip to Dale Hollow to go boating with two other couples. I should mention that both of the other females are STICK thin, even after having kids. I was more than a little nervous to get into a bathing suit in front of them. On a last minute whim, I bought a two piece swimsuit. I am still a long way off from my goal weight, but in a strange way, I felt more comfortable in the two piece than in my grandma's hide everything ya got suit. Our first full day out on the water, we stopped at one of the docks on the lake. They had an ice cream stand, which I wanted, but passed up. Then I overheard two women talking about me... "Would YOU wear that out in public?!?" "Oh HELL NO." I watched them stare at me, then pretend to look away when they realized I was watching them.

For the first time in my life, I spoke up. I turned around and said "Do you feel better about yourself, for tearing me down? Yes, I am still a little overweight. But in the last year I have lost 70 pounds - and I have EARNED the right to wear what I want. Thank you for making me feel bad about myself, after all the hard work I have put in." Then I went and got my ice cream.

Two things happened in that moment. First... Did I need the ice cream, no. But I realized, ONE scoop in a year isn't going to kill me. So I treated my fat ass to a single scoop while wearing the first bikini I have put on in YEARS. Two... I used to let things like this destroy me. I would decide that if one person looked at me that way, then everyone was looking at me that way. Not anymore. These chicks don't know me, or know where I have been or what I have accomplished.  NOW they motivate me to work that much harder. And next year, those bitches will be wondering what I do to make my body look THAT good. And I never forget a face. Maybe I will be a bigger person than you were and keep my mouth shut. OR, maybe I will call YOU fat and try to ruin YOUR weekend. Karma is a Bitch, and so are you. 

So after my big NSV (a Non Scale Victory) this weekend, I was feeling pretty high.  We got the kids back Sunday night when we got home.  I spent a while talking to Madie.  We were just chit-chatting when she filled me in on the latest news.  Donna signed up for the Color Run.  And so did her BFF Heather, and the BFF’s daughter, Caitlyn.  Madie was so excited Caitlyn was doing it too.  So I smiled, and changed the subject.  On the inside, I was SICK. 

I am sure that some of you will not understand my side of this, or will think I am over reacting, but I am PISSED.  I did the research.  I found the race.  I signed up and paid mine and Madie’s registration fees.  It cost me about $100 to pay for just her and I.  I gave Madie my old iPod.  I made her a playlist.  I downloaded the C25k app for her and showed her how to use it, so she can train when she’s at Mommy’s or Grandma’s or whoevers.  I did all the work.  During my planning, I never thought of Donna.  But I agreed to that.  Is it the ideal way I had imagined this going?  NO, but I can make that work.  Secretly I was hoping that by the time Donna tried to sign up, they would be sold out.  Originally I had thought this would be something for Madie and I to do together.  Now this has turned into Donna and her daughter, with her best friend and her daughter.  And, Oh Hi,  It’s me.  I’m over here.  How did I end up the odd man out when I planned the whole fucking thing?  I have met Heather once or twice – but I don’t know her.  Madie is going to be too busy playing with her friend to even pay attention to me.  What in the hell would Donna, Heather and I talk about?  I’m NOT friends with you two bitches.  I feel like Carrie.  I just got invited to the prom, just so they can throw pigs blood on me.  And I am so livid, I am about to burn this fucker down. 

I am not going to say a word.  I am going to show up on the day of the race, and if Heather and Caitlyn are there – I will dip out.  I will run in the race, but I am not doing it with them.  I didn’t pay all this money, and train my ass off for this, to feel awkward and out of place all day.  I will find some of my MFP friends, or someone else I know, and run with them.  I refuse to let her ruin MY day.  I am just super discouraged. I was excited to run with my little one. To see her little face when she gets doused with color at the first K. To see her excitement when she finishes. To see the explosion of color at the end of the race. And I feel like I have been cheated out of that. I will still participate. And I will find friends to run with. But I was more excited for her than I was for me.  Which is why I won’t ruin her day.  Madie is excited to have her Mommy, and Heather, and Caitlyn do this with her.  I wouldn’t take that away from her now.  But that doesn’t mean I have to be a part of it.  And I won’t be. 

I will just run away.  I am, after all, a runner now.  Just finished Week 3, Day 2 last night (for the umpteenth time).  I am down another 6 pounds, and I am going to keep on trucking.  Fuck 'em all.