I want to quit.

I know a lot of people will not understand this. I had a great weekend, and met one of my long term goals. The Color Run was this weekend. I ended up running it alone, since Madie is still recovering from her surgery. I set a goal for myself to try to complete the race in 45 minutes. I finished in 41:06!!! I was ecstatic! I was so proud of myself. I gave it my all. I didn't quit, and I didn't walk. I completed my veryfirstever 5k, and did it faster than I wanted to. I should be flying high right now - but I'm not. I almost feel like I should make this two separate posts, but this is it. This is me and how I feel right now. I am seriously discouraged.

If you have been following my blog for a while, you know that I started on a new higher calorie diet back in March. There is a new "theory" called Eat More to Weigh Less, or EMTWL, for short. I am not going to go into the long drawn out explanation of it now. If you want more details, go back to the post from March 22, called This is Crazy!! Prior to that date in March, I had been on a plateau for about 6 weeks. I had been on 1200 calories, had been doing the 30DS, and had been pretty successful, losing close to 70 pounds. Then it just stopped. I didn't change anything, it's not that I quit working out, or quit eating right, I just stopped losing weight. 

I started researching plateau's. I found out lots of information, and along the way stumbled upon the EMTWL philosophy. It seemed to be the answer I needed. I slowly started upping my calories. I slowed down on the cardio, and started lifting heavy. I knew from my studies that I would put on a few pounds - water weight, muscle weight, etc. Well, that happened. I was at 216 on March 16th, when I did my Humana Vitality screening for my health insurance. Within a few weeks, I was up to 223. I was not alarmed, and in fact had expected this gain - initially. But I thought those 7 pounds would fall back off. It hasn't happened.

Here we are, 6 months later. Guess how much I weighed when I stepped on the scale this morning? 223.4. I am actually 7 pounds heavier than I was in March. I haven't quit. I haven't been eating crap. I work out at LEAST 3 days a week. I have not changed a thing. And I still weigh the same thing. I can not explain the amount of disappointment, shame and absolute exhaustion I feel right now. I want to quit. This is fucking bullshit. I starve myself, and I lose, but then plateau. I eat the way I am supposed to, and exercise faithfully. I gave it time for my body to adjust. I stayed away from the scale so I wouldn't freak out. I took measurements and progress pictures. I drank water like it was my job, and quit drinking all the other crap. I gave up fast food. I ate clean 90% of the time. I turned down dessert after dessert, and beer after beer. I am still wearing the same clothes. I still can't wear a bikini, and my cruise is in 41 days. I am in tears.

I have NOTHING to show for it.

When I calculated all my information, height, weight, BMR, BMR, blahblahblah, it told me the amount of calories that I needed for my body to function properly. It was enough to keep my body healthy and fueled for the workouts I was giving myself, but enough of a deficit for me to lose weight. Well, apparently, 1900 is my maintenance number, not my weight loss number. I need to drop some calories, and see what happens.

I tell myself that, but honestly, I just want to quit. I still see the same person that has always been there in the mirror. Matt says he loves me the way I am, and in all honesty, he loved me when I was 70 pounds heavier. The kids tell me all the time that I am not fat. I know better. I know I am, and I know that medically, I am still in the morbidly obese category. But I am getting to the point where I just don't give a fuck. I work my ass off, and I am actually HEAVIER than I was in March. And it's not that I am losing crazy inches, because I am still wearing the same damn clothes. Something is NOT right here.

I work, and work and work. I'm not skinnier. I'm not healthier. My BF% is still the same. I am still sucking in my stomach for pictures. I was embarrassed of the photos taken of me at the race. I should be proud, and I did post the pictures. I am NOT proud though. I am disgusted with myself and my progress. There is NO way I am going to meet any of my cruise goals. I won't be 160 I like I set out to be in March. I won't even get to ONEderland by then. I would have to lose a 1/2 pound a day to get there.

So now, I am asking myself a question. How do I make myself continue this journey, when all I want to do is quit? I have all the reasons in my head. Because I don't want to have this conversation with myself this time next year. Because I don't want to spend another summer hiding from shorts, dresses, and bathing suits. Because I DO want to get there someday. Because, because, because!!! There are soooo many reasons to keep going.

And I still want to quit. Will I? I highly doubt it. But I want to.

Still the FatGirl.