Self Image

Okay - so, dicussion time. Well, I would like it if this turned into a discussion.  But at the very least, maybe I will get the wheels in YOUR head spinning, the way mine have been.  A few days ago, I was trying to explain to Matt what exactly I am trying to accomplish here.  And here's how that conversation went:

Me: I want to get muscle tone.
Matt:  So you want to look like a body builder?
Me: Uh, NO.  I just want, ya know.  Muscles. 
Matt:  So you want to look like a body builder. 
Me:  NO.  Not like a body builder.  Just fit.  Ya know, nice arms, defined legs, a six pack stomach.  Just... Muscles. 
Matt:  The only thing I see in my head is a body builder. 
Me:  Mother.  Fucker. 

I finally pulled up a picture on the internet and said, "HERE. I want to look like her!".

When I look at this, I see my dream body.  Long beautiful hair, thin face, built arms, nice boobs, crazy six pack abs.  And if her bottom half matched the top half, then I had my perfect model of the future me.  She was fit, and tan, and was built exactly the way I always dreamed of.

That turned into him photoshopping my head on to this poor woman's body - so that I could "see" what I would look like when I finally get there. It wasn't pretty.  Her body was still pretty.  My face was still pretty.  But together?  They were NOT pretty, at least, not in my opinion.  See for yourself. 

Once I saw that, I realized, that's not really what I want to look like. Don't get me wrong.  She's gorgeous.  She's just not... ME.  So I started looking. I finally found one, or two, or ten...  her legs; her ass;  her stomach; her chest;  her arms.  There was no ONE model I saw that I was like, THAT's it.  THAT's who I want to be.  I don't want to be a fitness model.  I don't want to be a barbie.  I don't want hips out to here, and waist >< that big, and boobs popping out to my neck.  I was surprised at what I realized I am REALLY after. I want to be fit. I want to be healthy, but I don't want to be rock hard. I really don't want the six pack stomach, but I don't want to carry 10 pounds of fat directly below my belly button either. I don't want to be "cut". A little definition, and a little shape here and there. I just want to be feminine. I want an hour glass shape, and soft curves, and a nice ass. That was truely shocking to me, because all this time, I had a completely different idea of what I was working towards.

We ALL have an idea in our heads of who or what we want to look like.  Even my skinny girls.  I have NEVER in my life met one female who was like, "NOPE.  Wouldn't change a thing."  So here's my question - who, or what do YOU want to look like?  Who do you want to be?  For the longest time - I hated my body.  Everything about it was disgusting.  Even when I was thin in highschool, I had such a warped self-image, that I thought I was fat then.  I would LOVE to have that body back now. 

My self-image is ever changing.  I'm still not happy with my body, but I am getting there.  I want my arms a little less flabby.  I want the muffin top on my belly gone.  I don't necessarily want to see muscle when I look down, but it would be nice to see my toes - without sucking in.  I am not expecting an ass that you can set a drink on.  I just want to be me.  I want to look the way I looked as a Junior in highschool.  That weight.  That belly.  That amount of muscle tone.  And the best part is, I don't have to scan the internet for hours looking for a motivational picture.  I don't have to photoshop my head on there, because it already is my head.  I've been there before, and I can do it again.  It was a long time ago, and I'm not 16 anymore, but I can do it.  There is no reason I can't get to that weight again.  To that body.  To my body. 

To be me again.  <3