It’s been one of those days. The day itself hasn’t been bad. Work has been fine. I have eaten good today. I am getting back on track with drinking all the water I want to. But today I have the mental block. I am fighting the battle I knew I would. I have all the encouragement and motivation that I need to succeed in this journey. But my head is saying “Ain’t no way in HELL you’ll ever get there.” I think I have scared myself. I am anxious, and nervous, and I have a lot of doubt today. And it’s all over something I should be SUPER STOKED about.
Today, Matt and I booked our very first vacation together. For 7 whole days in November, I will be on a cruise ship in the Caribbean with the love of my life, and some of our closest friends. Big blue water, white sandy beaches, drinks with little umbrellas in them… AHhhhhh! Paradise! Wait, did you say ocean and beach? Like, I’m going to have to wear a bathing suit? How long do I have to get my money back?!?!?!
Now, let’s get real for just a second here. It’s not like these people have never seen me in a swim suit before. And they are my friends – they would never do anything to offend me. And they would probably beat the shit out of anyone that did. But I want everyone’s jaws to drop when I step off that ship in my bikini. And If I stay on track, and continue to lose 10 pounds per month, I should reach my goal weight by September. But I just have this vision in my head of me, laying on a chair on the beach, looking exactly as I do now, wearing the same ugly swimsuit I have now, watching Matt check out all of the other women.
I am in full panic mode. I want his eyes on ME! I want to be the girl on the beach that is turning heads. I want to picture myself skinny, and fit, and running on the beach. I want to feel comfortable having a picture taken of me in my swimsuit posing with Laura and Amy – and not looking like a beached beluga whale with red hair. And today, I just don’t believe that pretty, skinny girl really is somewhere inside of me. I am seriously so down right now, I am doing my best NOT to cry as I type this.
So – I turn to MFP for motivation. I go to the success stories page, where people talk about how much they have lost, how they got there, and post pictures of their progress. I felt just a bit of relief when I saw one of the posts. It was a girl about my height. About my (starting) weight. Same age as me. I felt like this would be a good indicator for me. I saw the before and after pictures and I feel like an absolute failure. Since Jan 12th she has lost 35 pounds. In TWO MONTHS!!! 35 POUNDS!!! I only lose about 10 a month and I have to work my ASS off to get those 10 pounds. Sometimes, I don’t even make it! What is she doing? What am I doing wrong? I just don’t get it.
This is not my day.
Oh, and PS. My Fat, LAZY ass didn't work out yesterday either. Could be problem number 1 right there.
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