Extremely Depressed today.

Things are going downhill.  Quite Rapidly, I might add.   I have not been cheating on my diet, per say.  But I have not been working out.  I only did the 30DS one damn day last week.  The week before that – I only *missed* one day.  How do I go from soooo good, to sooo bad?  I had a lot of things happen last week that should have inspired me to do better – but it is having the opposite effect.   

Wednesday, I wasn’t feeling great.  I had trouble doing the cardio portion of the DVD – so I just did all the arm and upper body moves.  After, I went on a walk with the kids and the dog.  Madie was playing down the street with her friend.  I told Matt I was going to go get her.  I thought he was going to fall over when I told him I was going to walk to go get her.  But I didn’t work out Thursday.  I felt fine.  We picked up the kids from school.  I took Madie to Soccer and went to the library.  We the rest of our normal nightly routine.  I could have walked at the park while Madie practiced.  I could have made Matt go get the kids while I worked out like I have been doing.  I just didn’t.  I don’t even have an excuse this time. 

On Friday I had to go to the Dr. to get my Vitality Check done for my insurance plan.  It was actually good news.  My weight is down to 216 (at 11 in the morning), My blood pressure, cholesterol, and sugars were all within range.  It felt good to go to the Dr. and get some good news for once.  I am finally starting to see the results that I have been waiting for.  So did I work out?  You’d think.  Nope.  No I did not.  I did walk about 10 miles on Saturday while bar hopping between Covington and Downtown Cincinnati.  But that was not for exercise.  That was just transportation.  Sunday –did I work out?  Nope.  Nothing.  Still ate right  - just didn’t work out. 

Today I am so down, and I feel so guilty – I really feel like quitting.  It's not just the workout tape. I can feel myself giving up on what I want.  My inner fat kid is screaming at me – You are who you are.  You’re fat.  You’ve always been fat.  That’s how it’s always gonna be.  So why are we even putting on this charade?  I literally know that I am standing at a cross road right now. I know what I want - but I am tired - maybe lazy is a better word. I don't want to work out. I don't want to spend ALL day on Sundays cooking so that I can eat healthy during the week. I am tired of waiting for results that aren't coming.  My sugars are level, and my arteries aren’t clogged.  Great!  I still can’t fit into a damn pair of jeans at a normal store.  Friday night I broke down crying in the dressing room at Kohls while Madie and Nate were with me.   I have lost so much, and come so far, and nothing has changed.  I still don’t fit in normal clothes.  NO ONE has noticed how much I have lost, except for Matt – and I don’t really even think he’s noticed.  I just think he says things to keep me going.  I don't cheat.  I am honest on my tracker. I don't deprive myself, but I don't indulge either. I am not seeing the pounds coming off, or the inches for that matter. I know I need to get back on track before I lose it for good. But I can feel it slipping, and the old me is thinking about ice cream from Coldstone while fighting back the tears.


And honestly, today...  I don't know how to get it back.   

#fuckinoverittoday