This is gonna be long....

Well – Tomorrow is supposed to be Day 1, Level 3 of the 30DS.  Really?  I only did 2 days of Level 2.  I partially feel guilty about this, and partially don’t.  I feel bad because I made a commitment to complete this program.  And I feel like I have failed at that.  With everything that has gone on in the last week, and the skip days I had taken prior to this past week, I have officially had more skip days than days that I worked out.  Now, If I do all 10 days of Level 3 – those scales will reverse, and I will have worked out more than I skipped.  Many people that I have spoken to about this have told me that I had set an unreasonable goal.  That asking myself to go from a COMPLETELY sedentary lifestyle to working out 7 days a week for 7 weeks was a bit demanding.  Maybe it was, but I don’t think that wanting to be that active is bad, or that setting high goals for myself is bad.  I am proud of myself for working out as much as I did.  And I  am not done yet.  I plan on completing the next 10 days of Level 3.  I still plan on weighing in on Easter, and updating my measurements, and posting the “after” pictures. 

And then I have a new plan.  It’s kind of a 2 part plan, actually. 

I made a new plan for various reasons.  1.) I need a change.  I need to get out of my living room, and away from the TV.  2.)  The weather is changing.  It’s hard to stay inside and work out, when it is soooo pretty outside.  3.)  The new plan involves something that I have ALWAYS wanted to do, but have never been able too.  4.)  It will allow more flexibility in my workout schedule.  5.)  This will benefit more than just myself.

I will begin the C25K program on Monday, April 9^th.  For those of you that don’t know what this is, it is the Couch to 5K running program.  It is a training program that is specifically designed for couch potatoes.  It is a 12 week program that gets you up of the couch in Week 1 to running a 5K (3 miles) in Week 12.  The great part is that it is only 3 days per week.  Walking/Jogging/Running outside will allow me so much more time to try to get my workout in – which was one of my biggest obstacles with the 30DS.   I can do it in the mornings (doubtful, but it IS an option).  I can do it when I get home from work, or in the evenings, or hell, even at night after the kids go to bed.  I have always wanted to participate in a race downtown.  I have thought about the Heart Mini, and the Run Like Hell at Halloween time.  I have been seeing the advertisements for the Tap ‘N Run 4K – but that’s on May 19^th.  I’d only be on week 6.  Regardless, there are so many races I could do!  I just want to do it once, and say that I completed it!!!  And about benefiting more than myself… Harley girl is taking this journey with me.  When I was on the C25K website looking at the training schedule, I noticed the Pooch to 5K link.  They had a special training program for those people that wanted to run with their dogs.  Harley is getting older, and has calmed down quite a bit, but she certainly does not get enough exercise.  We never walk her.  Maybe once a month.  She LOVES to run!  Last summer, we would ride around the neighborhood on the golf cart, and Harley would run along the side of us!  She usually out-ran us, actually!  So, I thought this would be absolutely perfect.  I will ALWAYS have a training partner.  There will NEVER be a day that Harley says “Mama, I don’t wanna run today!”  She will start getting the exercise that she needs, and it will be such good bonding time for us.  I know that she has been put on the back burner since we brought Lexi home.  This will give her and I some special time together. 

 The 2^nd part of the new plan involves strength training.  I am picking up my copy of New Rules of Lifting for Women tonight at the Library.  I need to really start focusing on my strength training.  Once I finally do lose all this weight, I want to make sure that I am toned.  Thin and flabby is not the look I am going for here.  I want some definition.  I want muscles.   The thing is, I am not sure that I will be able to get the results I want at home.  I only have 3 and 5 pound weights.  I can’t do pull ups, or chin ups, or half of the exercises I would need to accomplish what I want to accomplish.  Plus, I don’t know what I need to be doing.  I don’t know what exercises to do, or how to do them.  So much of lifting weights is about your form, and I almost feel like I need a few sessions with a personal trainer.  Which means I need to join a gym.  Here’s the problem with that.    I’m not sure a gym membership is in our budget.  I did find a 30 day free trial at Premier Fitness.  Maybe if I can use that – and really go 3-4 times a week, I can justify the expense to Matt when it comes time to actually start paying for it. 

I know this was long today – but I am excited, and needed to put it down on paper. 

UPDATE:  I just called Premier, and I am going to tour the facility tonight!  On the down side, I talked to Matt right afterward, because I was so excited.  He already seems skeptical.  I don’t think he understands why I want and need to do this.  It is already hard enough to try to do this at home.  He is very supportive of what I am trying to do.  He brings me up when I am down.  He asks me if I really need that second helping.  He motivates me to work out when I don’t feel like it.  But I want to do more, and I already feel guilty for wanting to join a gym.  Why do I feel guilty for wanting to spend money on something that can help me change my life?  #FRUSTRATED

The more and more I think about this, the more discouraged I am.  I called and cancelled the fucking appointment.  I am ready to quit.  I don't want to do this anymore.  It shouldn't be this fucking hard all the damn time!  I shouldn't feel like shit for wanting to eat right and work out!  If I wanted to feel like shit all the damn time, I would just stay fucking fat!

There we go.  Question answered, problem solved. 

Over it!

UGGGHHHHH!!!  I feel like CRAP!  I don’t know what in the hell is wrong with me.  I don’t have the Flu –well, I better not.   I got a damn Flu Shot this year.  It’s not a sinus infection – no cough, congestion, or sinus pain or pressure.  But – I have a migraine from hell, I am running a fever (two days now), I am nauseous, freezing, exhausted.  I am forcing myself to eat.  I have no appetite, but I am eating anyway.  Hopefully I can keep it down today.  Yesterday, I wasn’t able to keep anything down until 9 last night.  And then, all I did was snack, because I didn’t feel like getting up to make myself dinner. 

Jillian is probably going to break up with me.  I have not done the 30DS since last Wednesday.  Thursday was Matt’s Birthday, Friday was Lexi’s surgery, Saturday and Sunday I spent taking care of the dog (this is not an easy task – and most definitely NOT an excuse for not working out).  And yesterday I was sick as a dog.  I literally got home from work, took a shower, and went to bed.  I got up to eat at 9, and went back to bed.  Unless some miracle happens in the next 8 hours, I won’t be doing it today either.  I literally have ZERO energy.  I finally know what the word FATIGUE means.  Thursday, I am supposed to move on to Level 3.  I am going to stick with the schedule.  After I complete the 10 days of Level 3, maybe I will go back to Level 2 for 10 days before I start my new DVD. 

As far as the new higher calorie diet – it’s working.  I am not counting yesterday as I didn’t eat right, workout, or do anything.  But from Thursday to Sunday – I lost 4 pounds in 4 days!  From Sunday to today – The scale says I put on 3 – but being that it’s that time of the month – I am assuming that is water weight.  (It happens every month – 3 pounds in water for 5 days.  Then BOOM – it’s gone.)  Maybe I should really cut down on my sodium during this week every month, and see how that affects it?  I don’t know. 

I do have to tell you about something that really has been encouraging me these last few days…  I don’t know when,  or how this has happened, but I have people coming to me for fitness and nutrition advice now!  I got one email last week, and thought it was a fluke.  Then another, and another.  Apparently, more people than I thought are following me on Fat Girl (here) and on MFP.  So and so “recommended I talk to you”, “your story is such an inspiration”, “when I am having a down day, I check the fat girl blog, and it remotivates me.  It’s nice to know that others are struggling just like me!” I have been answering every email, and thanking each person for every compliment. 

So, fellow Fat Kids… let me just thank you.  You inspire me just as much as I inspire you!  Thank you for your love and support!  I am more than willing to help anyone I can, but  I am NO expert.  I’m just a fat girl on a journey.  I may not have all the answers, but you are more than welcome to come with me.  J 

Hopefully, the next time I am here, I will be healthy, and have an update on how much I hate Jillian.  ‘Til next time fatties…..

Oh - and here is a pic of my broken, pitiful dog.  :(

This is CRAZY!!!

This has been such a crazy week.  I wanted to make sure that I post today, because I don’t know that I will have time to over the weekend.  Today is my Friday at work this week.  Our 6 month old puppy, Lexi, is having surgery tomorrow.  She has a spiral fracture in the back left femur that has to be re-broken, set, and have a steel plate inserted.  She broke it when she was only a week or two old, and the fuck-tard breeders we got her from never had her treated.  The bone has grown back in such a way that it is shaped like a boomerang.  This has not only made it hard for her to walk, but it is causing hip dysplasia.  Hopefully by having her treated now, we can help the bone heal the way it is supposed to, and spare her from any issues or injuries in the future.  So, between Matt and my Dad’s birthdays today, Lexi’s surgery tomorrow, Madie’s soccer tournament this weekend, Matt’s family birthday party Saturday night and everything else we normally have going on – really don’t think the Fat Girl is going to be the first thing on my mind. 

Anyhoo – this week has been a roller coaster.  One day I am great, the next I am falling off the edge of the earth.  I am all in – and now I’m quitting.  I will keep eating right.  No, I don’t want to exercise.  Back and forth, up and down.  Gain a pound, lose a pound.  And a lot of it has to do with MFP.com.  Just bear with me for a second here.  I love it.  I love MFP.  I am on it every day.  It has become MORE of a habit than Facebook – I know, right?  But there is SO much information on there, and so many people are experts.  And everyone else’s way is the BEST way.  They talk about calories and deficits and BMRs and BMI's and do cardio, don't do cardio, do strength, don't do strength.  What about Low Cal, vs. low carb, paleo and vegan, Eat your exercise calories, don’t eat them.  ARRRGGHGGHHH!!!  How in the hell is a normal person supposed to decipher all this?

Then, I found this thread – “MAJOR SUCCESS WITH HIGHER CALORIES”.  Hmmmmm…..  I was intrigued.  The Fat Girl is listening.  I started reading – and at first, I thought there was no way in hell.  But the more and more I read, it actually started to make sense (in theory).  Out of curiosity, I ran my numbers.  HOLY FUCKING FAT KID!   There is NO way that I could eat that much and lose weight.  In fact, I’m not even sure how I would reach the calorie number that they gave me.  But I couldn’t let it go!  I left MFP and ventured out to do some of my own research.  And low and behold, there is actual scientific research that supports this theory, and countless people that have been successful following it. 

The theory is this – eat as if you are already at your goal weight.  I know!  It doesn’t make sense.  I tried to tell you it was fucked up.  It is hard to wrap your mind around eating more to lose more, because we've been told for so long that to lose weight you must eat less & exercise more.  Have one celery stick per day – and run eleventy miles, and do a million squats – and TADA!!!!  Supermodel.  YEAH right.  What really happens when we don’t eat is that our body goes into starvation mode, trying to save the FAT, so it has some fuel for the famine.  When you exercise after starving yourself, your body “eats” muscle, and conserves the FAT.  So, yes you will lose some weight by starving yourself.  But regardless of what workout you are doing, you won’t be able to tone your body, because your body is eating the muscle, not the fat. 

I was recommended to eat 1200 calories a day.  Sometimes, I would eat LESS than that!  Then I would work out EVERY day, burning an additional (almost) 300 calories.  So let’s just say, I was basically eating about 700-800 calories a day.  My body NEEDS 1450 calories just to work.  To think, to breath, to walk, etc.  I was STARVING MYSELF!!!  That’s why I have not been seeing a change like I have wanted to.  The muscles I thought I was toning are being consumed by my body, because I didn’t give it enough fuel during the day.  The measurements haven’t changed, because my body is storing the fat, because I didn’t give it enough fuel during the day. 

As I said before – I ran my numbers for this new program.  In order to lose FAT, and not muscle, I have to consume 2,199 calories PER DAY.  That’s right.  I said it.  I have to up my calorie consumption by 1000!  Double what I am eating now!!!  Still eating healthy, still focusing on nutritious, balanced meals and snacks, still working out 5 times a week.  But I need to throw a lot more fuel on the fat burning fire.  Now – to make sure my body doesn’t freak out while I am bumping my caloric intake up by 1000,  I am only adding 200 calories per week.  I might put on some water weight in the first week or so, but then the pounds should start falling off, and I should start seeing the results I have been longing for.    

I am going for it.  What’s the worst that could happen?  I am at least going to give it a few weeks.  If I keep gaining, and don’t start losing, then I will adjust and come right back.  But – I think they have made a believer outta me. 

PS - does anyone know how to stick my head on the picture at the very bottom?  ;)

What a difference a day makes!

I am amazed at the difference in mood between yesterday and today.  I have to thank Matt for bringing me back up.  He truly is my rock, and my number one supporter.  I really am the luckiest girl in the world.  Poor guy.  He called me in the middle of the day yesterday, and I broke down  - literally sobbing so hard he was having trouble understanding me.  I was ready to give up.  I wanted to quit.  I couldn’t see the results, and I can’t see myself as that skinny person, because I’ve never been that person.  He talked me off the ledge.  He told me not to give up, that he was seeing results that I couldn’t see myself.  He told me little things he had noticed, but hadn’t mentioned until yesterday.  He told me how proud he was of me, and how he can see such a difference in my mood when I am working out, and when I’m not. 

It was enough.  I went home, and hit Day 1, Level 2 of the 30DS.  That woman is insane.  I really felt like there wasn't a whole lot of explanation on anything like there was in L1. It was just like "alright, we're gonna go straight into a pendulum lunge with a hammer curl. Ready? go!" And I am standing in the middle of my living room sweating like a horse, wondering what language she was just speaking. No seriously, what that Chinese or something? WTF is a pendulum lunge? Or a hammer curl? And how do I do them both at the same time? So I would watch the first couple of reps - ease my way into it, and by the second circuit – I was still struggling.  I was sweating and I thought my heart was going to explode.  But I didn’t quit.  I finished it the best way that I was physically capable of. 

We had dinner at his parent’s house last night – but I brought my own dinner.  They pigged out on hamburgers and hot dogs, and I had baked chicken, fresh green beans, and fresh asparagus.  And I had enough to have BBQ pork rinds (the miracle snack) and this Jello Strawberry Cheescake thingy – and still came in under my calorie goal!!!  Woot WOOT!!!

Then today – I got to post a NSV on MFP.com.  A NSV is a Non Scale Victory.  I’ve had a few small ones – but todays was BIG for me, so I thought I would share it with you guys.   I have been noticing more and more lately that none of my clothes are fitting properly.  It has been really discouraging and depressing.  This morning was no different.  I could not find anything to wear.  As I was trying to pick out some clothes for work, I pulled out a shirt that I wore on Easter last year.  I remember a picture that was taken of me on Easter with Dana –Matt’s sister. She is tall, and blonde, and skinny, and beautiful.  I, on the other hand, looked as if I was 8 months pregnant. The shirt would barely close, the buttons were pulling, I had spanx and a tank on underneath it. AND I STILL LOOKED 8 MONTHS PREGNANT! Disgusting.

Today – the shirt is a bit big.  But that’s not even the NSV.  I just took a short walk outside on my afternoon break at work.  As I was heading back into the building, I caught a reflection of myself in the glass door.  I saw a waistline!  I have just a touch of an hourglass shape now!  I don’t know if it’s the shirt, or the reflection… but as soon as the elevator doors closed, I gave a little squeal of excitement to go along with my happy dance!  I don't think I have ever smiled at my reflection! Super Duper NSV for me today!!!

Hell effing YEAH!!!

Like I said.  What a difference a day makes!

See you soon Fatties!!!

Extremely Depressed today.

Things are going downhill.  Quite Rapidly, I might add.   I have not been cheating on my diet, per say.  But I have not been working out.  I only did the 30DS one damn day last week.  The week before that – I only *missed* one day.  How do I go from soooo good, to sooo bad?  I had a lot of things happen last week that should have inspired me to do better – but it is having the opposite effect.   

Wednesday, I wasn’t feeling great.  I had trouble doing the cardio portion of the DVD – so I just did all the arm and upper body moves.  After, I went on a walk with the kids and the dog.  Madie was playing down the street with her friend.  I told Matt I was going to go get her.  I thought he was going to fall over when I told him I was going to walk to go get her.  But I didn’t work out Thursday.  I felt fine.  We picked up the kids from school.  I took Madie to Soccer and went to the library.  We the rest of our normal nightly routine.  I could have walked at the park while Madie practiced.  I could have made Matt go get the kids while I worked out like I have been doing.  I just didn’t.  I don’t even have an excuse this time. 

On Friday I had to go to the Dr. to get my Vitality Check done for my insurance plan.  It was actually good news.  My weight is down to 216 (at 11 in the morning), My blood pressure, cholesterol, and sugars were all within range.  It felt good to go to the Dr. and get some good news for once.  I am finally starting to see the results that I have been waiting for.  So did I work out?  You’d think.  Nope.  No I did not.  I did walk about 10 miles on Saturday while bar hopping between Covington and Downtown Cincinnati.  But that was not for exercise.  That was just transportation.  Sunday –did I work out?  Nope.  Nothing.  Still ate right  - just didn’t work out. 

Today I am so down, and I feel so guilty – I really feel like quitting.  It's not just the workout tape. I can feel myself giving up on what I want.  My inner fat kid is screaming at me – You are who you are.  You’re fat.  You’ve always been fat.  That’s how it’s always gonna be.  So why are we even putting on this charade?  I literally know that I am standing at a cross road right now. I know what I want - but I am tired - maybe lazy is a better word. I don't want to work out. I don't want to spend ALL day on Sundays cooking so that I can eat healthy during the week. I am tired of waiting for results that aren't coming.  My sugars are level, and my arteries aren’t clogged.  Great!  I still can’t fit into a damn pair of jeans at a normal store.  Friday night I broke down crying in the dressing room at Kohls while Madie and Nate were with me.   I have lost so much, and come so far, and nothing has changed.  I still don’t fit in normal clothes.  NO ONE has noticed how much I have lost, except for Matt – and I don’t really even think he’s noticed.  I just think he says things to keep me going.  I don't cheat.  I am honest on my tracker. I don't deprive myself, but I don't indulge either. I am not seeing the pounds coming off, or the inches for that matter. I know I need to get back on track before I lose it for good. But I can feel it slipping, and the old me is thinking about ice cream from Coldstone while fighting back the tears.


And honestly, today...  I don't know how to get it back.   

#fuckinoverittoday

Fat Girl and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.

It’s been one of those days.  The day itself hasn’t been bad.  Work has been fine.  I have eaten good today.  I am getting back on track with drinking all the water I want to.  But today I have the mental block.  I am fighting the battle I knew I would.  I have all the encouragement and motivation that I need to succeed in this journey.  But my head is saying “Ain’t no way in HELL you’ll ever get there.”  I think I have scared myself.  I am anxious, and nervous, and I have a lot of doubt today.  And it’s all over something I should be SUPER STOKED about. 

Today, Matt and I booked our very first vacation together.  For 7 whole days in November, I will be on a cruise ship in the Caribbean with the love of my life, and some of our closest friends.  Big blue water, white sandy beaches, drinks with little umbrellas in them…  AHhhhhh!  Paradise!  Wait, did you say ocean and beach?  Like, I’m going to have to wear a bathing suit?  How long do I have to get my money back?!?!?! 

Now, let’s get real for just a second here.  It’s not like these people have never seen me in a swim suit before.  And they are my friends – they would never do anything to offend me.  And they would probably beat the shit out of anyone that did.  But I want everyone’s jaws to drop when I step off that ship in my bikini.  And If I stay on track, and continue to lose 10 pounds per month,  I should reach my goal weight by September.  But I just have this vision in my head of me, laying on a chair on the beach, looking exactly as I do now, wearing the same ugly swimsuit I have now, watching Matt check out all of the other women. 

I am in full panic mode.  I want his eyes on ME!  I want to be the girl on the beach that is turning heads.  I want to picture myself skinny, and fit, and running on the beach.  I want to feel comfortable having a picture taken of me in my swimsuit posing with Laura and Amy – and not looking like a beached beluga whale with red hair.  And today, I just don’t believe that pretty, skinny girl really is somewhere inside of me.  I am seriously so down right now, I am doing my best NOT to cry as I type this.    

So – I turn to MFP for motivation.  I go to the success stories page, where people talk about how much they have lost, how they got there, and post pictures of their progress.  I felt just a bit of relief when I saw one of the posts.  It was a girl about my height.  About my (starting)  weight.  Same age as me.  I felt like this would be a good indicator for me.  I saw the before and after pictures and I feel like an absolute failure.  Since Jan 12^th she has lost 35 pounds.  In TWO MONTHS!!!  35 POUNDS!!!  I only lose about 10 a month and I have to work my ASS off to get those 10 pounds.  Sometimes, I don’t even make it!  What is she doing?  What am I doing wrong?  I just don’t get it. 

This is not my day. 

Oh, and PS.  My Fat, LAZY ass didn't work out yesterday either.  Could be problem number 1 right there. 

Yesterday SUCKED!!!

Well, mostly anyway.   

Work was horrible!!!  The systems were down.  BOTH of them.  I thought updates were supposed to improve the workflow – not stop it all together…  I got nothing done.  My lunch didn’t work out.  I had packed some left over salad and chicken from the night before.  The lettuce was soggy and the chicken tasted weird.  So I ended up eating some peaches for lunch, and a handful of almonds.  It’s not that those are bad things to eat, it’s just that it’s not as well balanced as I would have like, and have been trying to do.  After work, we had to go to the Layout for Matt’s Aunt.  I was really not looking forward to going.  I had never met anyone on that side of his family.  And this was the very intimate, family only viewing.  It ended up being very short and sweet.  Afterwards, everyone decided to go out to eat at- where else? – Olive Garden.  My FAVORITE!!!! 

I walked in with the best of intentions, but my inner fat girl wore me down.  I actually said out loud “Well, I weighed in today, so if I am going to cheat, today is the day to do it!”  It was like I felt I had to justify what I was ordering to everyone around me.  I had one stuffed mushroom.  I had a salad.  And a bread stick.  I ordered the Seafood Alfredo – but I didn’t even finish half of it.  I made sure that I ate really slow.  I drank a lot of water, and coffee.  Olive Garden has just about the best coffee I’ve ever had.  When I got home and logged my dinner – I still came in under my calorie goal for the day!  Score 1 for the fat kid!!!  I actually got to have what I wanted, just by eating slower, and eating a smaller portion!  So THAT’s how skinny people do it!!!  I’m gonna have to remember this for future reference. 

However – I should have worked out last night, and I didn’t.  I was full.  And tired.  And still sore from the day before.  And I can keep going, but really, who are we kidding here?  I was lazy, and took a skip day.  I did some other things to burn some calories.  I just couldn’t look at Jillian’s face after the day I had.  Which means I have to look at her tonight.  And I have a feeling she’s not going to be so nice. 

The good news is, I had a loss at the weigh in this week!  Most everyone else gained this week, so I was pretty pumped.  And after my fat consuming Olive Garden binge and skip day, there was a 2 oz difference on the scale this morning!  I thought I would have gained a pound , so I was really excited.  If I can keep up this pace, I am on track to exceed my 10 pound per month goal for March!!! 

I can’t be stopped!!!  (Today at least)  J

Staying Faithful

It’s been a while since I have posted here, but I have been a busy girl, for sure.  In fact, the only area where I have been slacking is here at The Fat Girl.  Now it’s time to play catch up, and bring you guys up to speed on what, and how, I have been doing.  The last time I posted was last Tuesday, so we will start where we left off. 

Wednesday and Thursday of last week, we had our annual All Staff meeting for work.  It’s off-site, and they provided all the food, drinks, and snacks you could eat.  Luckily for me, they did have *some* healthy choices.  On the table full of bagels, and doughnuts, and pastries galore, they DID have a bowl about the size of my coffee cup full of fruit.  Pineapple, strawberries and cantaloupe it is.  I stayed away from the chips, and fun sized candy bars and opted for the granola bars instead.  I stayed away from all the free soft drinks, and kept drinking my bottled water.  For lunch, I stayed away from the pastas, breads and desserts, and stuck with just the lunch meat, veggies, chicken and salad.  It was extremely difficult to not inhale the two packs of M&Ms that stared me down for two whole days – but I did it.  I had to ask myself several times “what do I want more”, and when I do that, the answer is easy, and the craving fades.  It is difficult every day.  It is a struggle every day.  But I am holding strong.  EVERY DAY. 

Wednesday night after the meeting – our friends Brian and Laura came to our house for dinner.  We had steaks, baked potatoes, salad, and sautéed mushrooms and onions.  I did really well.  I did come in a few grams over my fat goal for the day (damn delicious ribeye!!), but I was still under on my calories.  If I had been able to work out on Wednesday, I would have ended up perfect.  However, Wednesday is the ONLY day I missed working out last week, which I am extremely proud of.  Matt only had to threaten to beat me once.   ;)  The other days – I was actually excited to work out.  In fact, on Saturday,  I was already done working out by the time the kids got home at 9:00 am!

As far as food goes – every single day MFP tells me that I am not consuming enough calories.  I am really having trouble eating everything I am supposed to, and I think that may be the reason the weight is not coming off as fast as I would like it to.  I am not quite sure how to get that calorie count up without going over in some other category.  I am going to have to just keep playing around with my diet until I find what works for me.  I did have to go and recalculate my goals on MFP with my new, lower weight.  The numbers changed a bit, but nothing too drastic.  I am still losing though!  This week was not as impressive of a loss as last week was, but it was a loss none the less.  AND, I lost my two pounds – which is my "per week" goal anyway. 

As far as the workouts go – I have decided to stay on level 1 a bit longer.  There are still areas that I struggle with completing.  I still get winded, and my arms still feel like they are going to fall off during the squat presses.  I am doing the full squats, and completing the full minute without stopping, but, it is definitely a challenge.  I have been able to keep up with Natalie (the harder one to follow) on *most* of the exercises.  And on the dumbbell rows, static lunge with a bicep curl, and the chest flys – I moved up to 5 pound weights, because those seemed like they were getting too easy.  So I have once again tweeked my program.  I plan on staying on level 1 for another week.  Next Monday, the 19^th, will be 20 days until Easter.  That will be my first day of level 2.  As of now, the plan is to complete 20 days of level 1, 10 days of level 2, and 10 days of level 3.  And that will take me right up to Easter Sunday. 

As good as my week was, I did have a bit of a breakdown yesterday.  I was getting ready for church, and I couldn’t find anything to wear.  Most of my clothes are so old.  The only pair of jeans that fit anymore are my “Skinny” jeans.  I only have a few tops that I feel comfortable in.  I started freaking out because I think I have worn the same outfit to church for the last three weeks.  It is an absolutely horrible feeling to have so many clothes in your closet, and still have nothing to wear.  I am I tired of black.  I am tired of baggy jeans, and sweatshirts, and sweaters that fit 60 pounds ago.  I was SO frustrated, I was almost in tears.  I finally threw on my jean skirt, and the same damn sweater I have worn every week.  A few things went through  my mind.  Number one – this is just one more reason to keep going.  To be able to reach into my closet, and pick out anything, and know that it fits, and I can feel comfortable in it.  Number two – who cares what anyone else thinks of me.  So what if I wore the same sweater last week?  At least I showed up.  So as soon as I got home – I got my workout gear on, and went to work.  It WILL  happen for me someday.  And today, I am just another day closer. 

 

Feeling pretty good today…  J

 

More than half way there!!!

Yesterday was a HUGE day for me.  During our weekly weigh in for the Biggest Loser competition for work I got some great news!  I lost more than anyone else, and by a lot.  I lost 6.8 pounds since last Monday, and the person who came in second for the week lost …… 0.8 pounds!  I smoked the other girls by 6 WHOLE pounds!  No one even came close!!!  As if that were not exciting enough – Matt and I got into a conversation last night about how far I had come since my heaviest weight.  I had never really thought about it THAT way – I just always thought about my weight since starting my actual diet.  If I start at the beginning – way back in the spring of 2008 – I have lost 58 pounds!  With only 57 more pounds left to lose, I have officially LOST more than I still have left to lose!  58 down, 57 left to go!!!

I was so excited when I realized this, I put it on Facebook, and the feedback and support that I received was amazing!  Matt kept saying that he could not imagine me at that weight (275).  We had seen the side by sides of my Driver’s license just last week, and the difference in my face was amazing in itself.  But to get the whole picture, I needed a whole body shot.  I had to do some digging, and I finally found what I was looking for.  There was a picture that was taken of me several years ago that got me started losing weight in the first place.  When this particular picture was posted on MySpace (told you it was a long time ago…) I was so embarrassed.  I actually asked  my friend to remove the picture from her page.  I didn’t want anyone to see it.  This picture is what did it for me.  I showed Matt the picture.  The only word that came out of his mouth was “DAMN”.  My sentiments exactly. 

The “before” and “half-way” pictures are at the bottom of this post.  I really don’t have a recent picture of myself, so I just used the one from December.  It’s the most recent pic I have, but at least it will give you an idea of just how far I have come.  And looking at these two side by side really inspires me to just keep going.  I wonder what I will look like when I finally get to where I want to be?  The only way to find out is to keep on trucking!!! 

Which is exactly what I did.  I had Matt go pick up the kids without me, and  used the time to myself to get my workout in.  Yesterday was Day 8 with Jillian.  I am going to finish out the week with Level 1, and then on Saturday, it’s time to take it to Level 2!!!  I can feel myself getting stronger every day.  I may not be doing full form pushups, but I am doing pushups on my knees.  And I may be slower than the girls on the video, but I can do pushups the whole 30 seconds without taking a break!  I do have to give some of that credit to the PUC I am still doing!  I still feel like my arms are going to fall off during the squat press and the side lunge with the anterior raises – but I think I may have to move up to the 5 pound weights for the dumbbell rows and Chest Fly exercises.  I need a bit more of a challenge on those!  Then, I heard a song on the radio this morning.  My reaction surprised me for the VERY first time in my life.  I immediately thought, “this would be a great song to do jumping jacks to!”  Not I could dance to this, or I love the beat.  I wanted to exercise to a song!  That still seems crazy to me.  So does having two servings of dinner, and desert, and still coming in under my calorie goal for the day!  But – that IS what happened last night!

Today is a new day!  33 more days left in the 40 Day Shred.  33 more chances to get farther away from that fat girl in the pink below, and farther away from the slightly less fat girl in black.  J

I'm still here....

I know – I know… it’s been a few days.  I have been slacking.  But I have NOT fallen off the wagon.  I might be hanging onto the wagon by my pinky toe – but I’m still on it.  Last week was rough.

Last Wednesday night – Matt and I started to really worry about Lexi, our 5 ½ month old English Mastiff puppy.  My brother in law, David, had noticed the Saturday before that there was a bit of an indentation in her back left leg.  As the week went on, we noticed it more and more, and by Wednesday night – Matt and I were both convinced that she was suffering from Hip Dysplasia.  We did lots of research, which only added to our fears, as she seemed to display every symptom.  I called the Vet first thing on Thursday morning.  After explaining my fears to them, they asked if I could be at the office within the hour.  I left work and took her to the vet.  After 2 hours at the Vet’s office, I left with an X-ray of a deformed Femur bone, some pain medicine, a referral to an orthopedic specialist, and a lot of unanswered questions.  The vet had never seen anything like this, and the leg may have to be amputated. 

I went home, worked out, cleaned, and did everything I could to try to keep my mind off of my poor puppy’s leg.  Matt and I both took off work on Friday to take Lexi to the specialist.  He told us that her leg was deformed due to the way the bone grew after a spiral fracture in that leg that occurred when she was only a week or two old.  It can be fixed with surgery, and it will grow back normally, and she can live a long and healthy, amputation free life.  Whew!!!  Except that the surgery will cost 3,500.00 – and they need payment in full before they will operate.  Just our luck.  So it was good news, and bad news.  When we got home, I spent the afternoon getting all of our Tax documents ready, since we were meeting with our accountant at 6 that evening.  Matt’s was good news, mine – not so much.  It wasn’t horrible, it just was not what I was expecting.  I didn’t work out on Friday.  I could have made time – but I honestly just chose not to.  It had been a horrible day – and I made a choice. 

Saturday – I knew I had to work out.  I skipped Madie’s soccer game so that I could have the house to myself to work out.  I felt great afterwards.  I had a ton of energy, and was in a great mood by the time Matt returned home.  We worked on the house for a while, but mostly had a VERY lazy Saturday.  I really didn’t eat much all day – so when it came time to eat – I had a TON of calories to make up for – especially since I worked out.  So we ordered Larosa’s.  I probably went over – because I couldn’t find the exact nutritional information – but I wasn’t really worried about it. 

Sunday, we got up and went to church.  That’s 3 weeks in a row for us!!  (YAY!)  After Mass, we had another soccer game for Madie.  Then we had some running to do.  When we did get home at 4 – I hadn’t eaten anything all day.  I made myself some lunch and we sat down and watched TV.  I guess I fell asleep – and when I woke up – the kids were home.  It was 8:30.  I had slept for at least 2 hours.  There was no time to work out.  It was time for the kids to go to bed, and I couldn’t be jumping around in the living room keeping them up.  That sucked.  I really had planned on working out.  I didn’t make dinner, because it was already so late, but I was hungry.  So I made a small salad, and had some cheese its.  Not the best – I know, but I was way under for the day.  So basically – this weekend was all jacked up. 

Then I wake up this morning, weigh in, and see 217.0!!!  I have held that number all weekend, so I was pretty stoked.  I flipped my little countdown calendar, and the quote for today was “A temporary binge is NOT an excuse to quit”.  I thought it was perfect.  I did have a rough weekend.  I didn’t eat the best, and I didn’t work out as much as I should have.  But my hard work from all week came through on the scale – and I am THAT much closer to my goal.  I am making a promise to myself that now that I am out of the 220’s – I will never get there again.

57 pounds left to go!!!