What?

Today is no different. This is starting to seem pointless

EPIC FAILURE.

THAT'S RIGHT.  EPIC FAILURE.

I didn't work out last night as I had planned. I have got to get motivated to MOVE! This weight is not going to lose itself.

Shame on me. I have no one to blame but myself for the way I look, and the way I feel.

Slipping....

It's been too long. Too long since I have posted on here, too long since I have worked out, and too long since I have seen results. The good news is, I am as determined as ever. I have not gained any weight back. And I am still following my diet. Now, I just have to get back to working out. I am starting Turbo Jam over - at the beginning - starting today.

I have been on emotional roller coaster for the last month. I have been sad, and overwhelmed, and angry, and stressed out, and surprisingly enough, happy at times too. I remember when I first started working out, and how much that release of energy helped as a mood stabilizer. I am looking forward to getting that back. I am looking forward to working hard and reaching my goals. I am looking forward to a lot of things. I just gotta push past all the bullshit I am surrounded by now.

I have to quit worrying about what everyone else is thinking and doing and get back to me, and my family and my friends. Maybe I need to meditate. Except for the fact I am not sure what it is, or how to do it, or what it accomplishes.

Another Day

I am not really in the mood to do this today - I have to many other things on my mind. However, here is a quick update. I took Lori and Krista's advice and bought lots of yummmy foods at the store last night. I did not get to take Harley for a walk. I worked my little butt off last night trying to get everything else done. I started my food diary again yesterday, and have kept up with it today.

Cereal bar for breakfast (within 30 minutes of waking up, Thank You Lori).
Apple and peanut butter for mid morning snack.
Tuna kit for lunch with a piece of string cheese.
And a granola bar for a mid afternoon snack (but I haven't eaten that yet...)

Tonight is going to be busy. I have changed my plans like, 4 times. But Madie has her school play tonight, and we get the kids after. Then homework, bathtime, bedtime, and finally some relax time for Matt and I. And I need it after the day I have had. So, knowing all of this, I took a mile walk on my lunch today. I needed to de-stress anyway.

Wayyyyyy behind.

Okay Ladies. I need you guys to virtually kick my ass into gear here please.

I am behind. Way behind. I have not been able to work out for pretty much the last two weeks because of either my Kidney Stone, or my back. I don't want to lose focus. I was really bad this weekend. I drank entirely too much - starting on Wednesday. I tried to be good Sat night with Dana, and order nachos - but then we got the loaded nacho's. I know it's not the worst thing in the world, but I certainly did not make a smart choice there. I am getting bored with the foods I have. To be honest, I am scared to work out because of my back. I am just now starting to feel better, but I am still taking Doans, and a muscle relaxer. I just don't know about jumping back into Turbo Jam. I have not kept my food diary in a week. I am losing focus.

I got on the scale this morning, and I have put 4.2 lbs BACK ON. I am back up to 214.2. Now, that is still below what my goal was for last month (214.4), but if I can't get back on track soon, I am going to lose a lot of the hard work that I have already put in. The pants that I bought a few weeks ago are loose, but my fat jeans that started all this mess still don't fit right. They just seem to damn tight. Ugh.

I felt really good about the way I looked Saturday night when Dana and I went out, but once I saw the pictures we took, to me, it looks like nothing has changed. And I am taking the "before" picture tonight. Maybe If I have to look at my fat self in a sports bra and shorts everyday, it will remind me of what I don't want to be.

Also, you ladies may be seeing a new name pop up on here now and then. I have invited my cousin Lori to be a part of this and kick my ass. Lori lives in Memphis, TN. She has her own AMAZING story. This strong, beautiful woman over came a lot of obstacles, and is a great inspiration to me, and what I am trying to do. This woman LOST 130 POUNDS!!! And did it the right way, with diet and exercise. So welcome her, and Lori, don't be afraid to yell at me. My girls will back YOU up, as I have asked everyone here to team up on me, and put me in check when I need it. :O)


Soooo... It's about 2:30. I have had an upset stomach all morning - I mean painful. I have been scared to eat, and not because of the weight, but because I was afraid of making it hurt worse. So then, I started thinking. I wonder if these are hunger pains? I really hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon, so I made myself go get something to eat. Spaghettio's (Carbs, yes, I know.), Yogurt for protein (Thank you Krista and Lori), and I bought a can of almonds to keep here at work for a snack... For later today, or the rest of the week. I am going to walk Harley tonight, instead of Turbo, since I am still worried about my back. If I can go 3 days with no pain, then I will start Turbo and weight lifting again. Anyway, after my walk, I am going to stain my hot tub, and then go to the grocery. I need to re-stock all my good for you foods. And Lori and Krista, thank you so much for all the helpful ideas on the foods. :O)

Now, I just hope my tummy feels better once this food is digested.

1 Month Results!

Weigh in Day!!! 1 month Results!!!
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN!!!!

Weight: 224.2

210.0

Height: 5'10

Chest: 46.5

44.o

Waist: 46.0

42

Hips: 49.0

47.0

Thighs: 25.5

24.5

Arms: 13

12.5

Thats 14.4 lbs weight loss, and a loss of 11.5 inches combined! Yay me! I not only met, I exceeded my one month goal. Oh! The motivation!!! And, I just bought myself a new shirt to reward myself. :O)

Induce vomiting in 3...2....1....

So tomorrow is the big day. I get on the scale everyday, and I did not like what I saw this morning. I am about to go into starvation mode.

I am seriously discouraged

Anyone there?

So Wednesday is the big 1 month weigh in. I am kinda nervous to see if I have hit my one month goals. I am really hoping that I do, so that I am encouraged to continue on this journey. I did measure myself on Saturday, and was happy so far, but I am concerned. I only worked out two days last week. I did try to work out on Saturday, but ended up giving up halfway through because the kids kept needing me. I did take the kids and Harley on a one mile walk that day though. I worked hard all day yesterday outside, but didn't work out. While working outside, I did something to my back. I don't know what, or when, but I know by 7:00 last night, I was hurting bad, and by 10, I was almost crippled. I got out of bed at 2:00am with Nate, and was unable to get back in bed. I literally crawled on my hands and knees, in tears, to my living room, where I fell asleep in my lazy boy about 4:00 am. I don't know how long this is going to last, but I know if I am having trouble walking, working out is probably not the best idea.

So I am getting discouraged. I just hope that I don't gain what I have already lost back. I wanted to lose 10lbs by the 14th, so as of this morning, I have 2 days to lose a half of a pound. I know it doesn't sound like a whole lot, but I really need to lose that half of a pound to prove to myself that even with stress, and emotional roller coaster rides, and work, and family and life, I CAN do this. I need to prove to myself that I can set goals and reach them or this is not going to work.

Friday night did not start off good. Matt and I were going to go to Montgomery Inn for dinner, and then to see Ashley for her birthday. I took longer than usual to get ready. I could not find anything to wear. I hated my hair. It looked to damn frizzy. I got some sun last week, so my makeup looked white. I could not find ANYTHING that fit, that looked good, that I felt comfortable in. Matt insisted that we stop somewhere along the way so that I could buy a new outfit. I guess he just doesn't understand that the day you are feeling fat is NOT the day to go shopping. But, I eventually got over it, and we had a great time.

Saturday was good, a lot of hard work, and a great bonfire. Yesterday, I passed up Milton's Doughnuts, and went for cereal instead. I actually ate well all weekend. Yes, even at Montgomery Inn. Today, I had a granola bar for breakfast (it's what I had here) and a tuna kit for lunch. Not sure what's on the menu tonight, but I have been REALLY good about my diet at home, so I should be okay. I guess I am just worried about not being able to work off what I am supposed to each day...


I know you guys don't post or respond on here a lot, but I could really use some encouragement today. Today is one of my down days

Slipping....

I am starting to slip ladies. I skipped working out last night cause I was sooo tired. Now I am two days behind this week.

And I had Taco Bell for dinner. The good news there is, they have that new diet menu, and the burrito I got was only 160 calories and 5g of fat! And it tasted good!

Yeah, I'm boring today. That's all for now.

So, I was tired this morning. I slept in, and did not have time to pack anything for breakfast, or lunch for that matter. I ended up skipping breakfast (I know, not good), and had carrots and ranch for lunch. I cannot believe how much fat there is is such a small amount of food! 2 Tbsp of Ranch is 14g of fat! Luckily, I am allowed 42g of fat a day (I have never reached that 42 since I started this though).

And, on top of it, the carrots were not very filling, so I think I am going to eat a granola bar here in a minute. Just gotta drink my water, and wait 5 minutes and see if I am still hungry.

I need to save some calories for alcohol tonight. I think Matt and I are going to go down to Monty's to wish Ash a happy b-day. But, he just got sent somewhere for work, and he is mad now. I guess it will depend on what time he gets home. Hell, I might just make the trip solo.

Guess we will find out tomorrow... Loves yas!

It hurts.

So last night, I was supposed to do Turbo Sculpt, and AB Jam. Now - as you all are well aware, I am not a fan of the Ab Jam - because it hurts. I was actually looking forward to the Sculpting one - until it started. OH. MY. GOD. That was the hardest workout so far. I was so frustrated that I couldn't keep up (and everything was very slow paced) that I finally put the weights down. And even after that, I almost quit. After that 40 minutes of hell, I was honestly too sore to even think about doing that Ab workout. I was taking Excedrine back and body within an hour. I was so sore when I finally laid down last night. Every part of my body just hurt. Now, I know that it is going to get easier. I know that. But damn. I am not looking forward to doing that again. I know that I am going to Walmart tonight, and buying the 3 lb weights instead of the 5lb ones I have now. That was just too much.

And then, I worked all night. I was doing spring cleaning. Matt got called into work, so I was on my own. I cleaned until midnight last night. No sitting around watching TV for this chick. I kept busy from 6:00am until Midnight. I was so sore when I laid down. I just ached everywhere. I is tired today.

Tonight is just the 20 min workout - so I should be okay. But who knows. We will see.

I had a nutrigrain bar for Breakfast, and rice for lunch. I have already had half of the water I am supposed to have for the day - and i'm peeing like every 15 minutes.

OH! and my friend Kelly from work gave me a book. It is from the biggest loser diet, it was her mom's or something. Anyway - it's like a food diary. I have been doing it since Monday. You log how you are feeling that day, your goals, achievements and frustrations, exercise plans and of course all of your food. It records your fat calories and carbs. Mama likes.

PS - I changed the layout of the blog. I decided I need to move away from having black EVERYWHERE. Black is a dark color. I have been in the dark for a while now, and I am trying to move away from dark and depressing things - so I thought for spring, I would throw a little green in there. And I like the maps at the top. It reminds me of not only the path that I am on, and trying to stay focused... But the lake. They look like old-school nautical maps. :O)

Looking up.....

Aaahhhhhhh....

Deep breaths. Today is the best I have felt in a week. Yesterday was a roller coaster of emotions. I was so confused and upset by the time I got home from work, I am surprised I was able to get dinner ready for the kids. But it ended up great. I had a wonderful conversation with Matt last night. I finally told him all of the things that have been on my mind. I finally just let go and and opened up. It felt really good to be able to talk. This was yet another goal I had set for myself and yet another goal I have accomplished. Check.

The last few days on here, I have really just been venting my frustrations. I think that I have just been holding so much back, from everyone, for so long, that it has just all come to a head recently. But now, I feel like a load has been taken off my chest. So off with the drama, and on with the weight loss. :O)

I did work out Monday night, but not last night. There was just too much going on. But I did get on the scale last night, and I lost the 2 lbs back. Yay! When I first started doing the research on dieting, and exercising, and eating right, they said to set short term goals so it does not seem like you are soooo far away from your final goal. So, I have a goal each month - to lose 10 lbs. I started on March 14th, so I still have a week to lose another pound. :O)

I am going to change my workout routine - somewhat. Now that it is nicer out, I am finding it hard to stay inside, especially since I was cooped up all last week. So I am going to finish the rest of my Turbo Jam. The calendar is for a month. That means I have 9 workouts left (since I skipped last week). Then, I am going to start walking - every night - with my dog. Harley needs the exercise too. Then a few times a week, I am going to continue doing Ab Jam and Turbo Sculpt. If the weather is bad or whatever, then I will do the Turbo Jam Cardio Party. I have not done my full weigh in in a while. I wanted to do that every week, but I missed last week. At this point, I think I am just going to wait until next Wednesday (the 14th). That way, it will be my 1 month weigh in.

I had a Nutrigrain bar for breakfast, and I am having Spaghettio's (only 1g of fat and 180 calories per serving!) for lunch with carrots and pretzels.

Guess that's all for now!

Let me explain...

Ladies,

I am sorry if any of you took that last post personal. I truly am. For those of you who have read the last few posts on here, it has been a rough time for me this last week. And yesterday was a BAD day for me. I do better when I am around people, but yesterday, I was alone at work, and had nothing but my thoughts, and sometimes, that can be a bad thing (more often than not). Sometimes I can go off on a rant, and not really realize it. Especially when I think I am talking to myself.

Look, I know that none of us are perfect. I do not expect perfection from anyone, because I know damn good and well I can't deliver it. What I do need though, is understanding. Some days are going to be better than others. Some days, it may seem as though its the worst. Either way, please never take anything personal from me. This is just a place for me to vent. I know that we all have lives, and jobs, and families, and a million other things going on. I know that we don't have time to talk to each other every single day. And when I can't talk, I write. It's what I do. It's what I have always done. It's just me going off on a tangent, and when I am done, it's done. The next post might be the complete polar opposite of what you read the day or week before.

So again, if anyone took this personal, or was offended by anything I said, I sincerely apologize. It was never my intent.

With that being said, the one reoccurring theme I am hearing from a lot of people is that I need to talk more. I need to stop keeping everything bottled up inside. I know that I do it. I am well aware. But sometimes it seems like everything is better if I just keep my mouth shut. I know this may seem irrational, but I want to try to explain my line of thinking on this point. When I have an issue with something - it's my issue. When I start talking and telling everyone (or someone), it then becomes their issue too. I am tired of fussing. If its not with Matt, it's with the kids. If it's not with the kids, it's with Donna. If it's not with Donna, it's with my family. It's on, and on, and on. Whereas, if I could just keep my damn mouth shut, then there is no drama, and everything is fine.

Now, I know that it is not true. I know that just because I don't talk about it, doesn't mean it's not there. But I don't like drama. I don't like upsetting people. I don't like it when people are mad at me. I know that is childish, but it's me. And that's the way I look at it. When I finally do decide to say something, it usually takes me days, sometimes weeks to come up with the courage to say something. A lot of times, I know I won't be able to talk about it, so I write letters. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad. I don't like talking about feelings. I guess that is yet another one of my insecurities. Here is a recent example. I confided in someone some of my deepest, most heartfelt feelings and fears. It took me weeks to gather my courage. And I find out a few days later, that THAT person went, and shared that information with someone else. I confided something that I don't even talk to you guys or my family about. I had not told either of my best friends about it. The information was shared with my MORTAL ENEMY, and they in turn, used that information against me. You think I will ever tell that person another thing? I would like to. I would like to be able to trust again. But I don't know how long it will be before I can. I talked about something I didn't want to talk about, something I wanted to just keep bottled up inside, and it blew up in my face. The explosion from that blast literally shook me to my core.

So yes. Sometimes I feel alone. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to talk to. But I am working on it. I am working on a lot of aspects of my life right now. I don't want to be self-conscious. I want to be confident. I don't want to be scared to talk. I want to have the strength to speak my mind. I don't want to be overweight. I want to be healthy. I don't want to be afraid anymore. I want to be able to trust others. I want to be a good wife and mother (or girlfriend, and daddy's girlfriend.) I am not only working on my body, I am trying to work on my mind and soul too. I want to be more even tempered. One defense mechanism I have is to hurt you. If you hurt me, I will hurt you back. If you make a comment about my family, I will say something about yours. If you make me feel bad, I will do my best to make you feel the same. And I am always quick about that. I have been pushed around, and put down all my life. And that is my quickest response. I need to change that.

For instance, this morning. I woke up. I was in a great mood. I came to work, and read the comment from Dana. And my day was shot. I changed my FB status. I fired off a comment back to her - in the heat of the moment. It wasn't angry. I was defensive. I can't explain the way I felt. I was hurt. She took it the wrong way, and in return, I took her response to my post the wrong way. In my original comment, I had decided to end the blog. It was never meant to start arguments or misunderstandings. Then Matt called. And I told him what was going on, and I cried. And cried. And he told me to call Dana, and I didn't want to. I figured she would read my post and would understand. (See the not wanting to talk again here?) But he calmed me down. I came back in and deleted my FB and blog comment. They were unnecessary. I wrote those in a weird way to protect myself. So I took some time, and calmed down. Matt called Dana, (Damn taddle-tale) and now we are fine. I think.

I am very confused right now. I don't like myself. I don't like the way I look. I don't like the way I feel. I don't I don't like when I act like this. But I am trying. I really am. I am trying to make changes in my life. I am trying to talk more. But I am getting burned every now and then, and those are road blocks to me, and make it hard for me to talk again. But I am trying. And all of these are big changes. I guess what I am saying is, you gotta stick with me. Some days are going to be better than others. Some days will be down right awful. But please don't take anything personal. I love you guys. And I need you.

And the blog is on. I need to stop quitting things.

And on top of it, I gained 2 lbs back. No more holiday dinners for this girl.

Damn Crickets.

So, I guess it's just me and you, blog. Kinda sad, but, as I have learned in the last few days, shit happens. I have no one to talk to. Everyone I know is either too close, or too far removed from the situation. The one person I expected to help actually caused more doubt instead of making me feel better. Maybe THAT says something that I don't want to hear. I am sad, and angry, and bitter, and hurt, and I don't know what to do. A lot of shit went down last week while I was home sick, and I am not putting it all out there, just in case someone does decide to read this. My major problem is, the way that I am used to dealing with stressful situations (eating) is not gonna cut it this time. I need to find another outlet. And what bothers me the most is that this time, painting is NOT helping. That has always been my outlet. It has always been my last resort. It's not an outlet anymore. Its a reminder. I don't want to paint.

I don't know what to do.

Today is day 23 of my diet, but will only be my 10th workout, since I missed all of last week. I have lost 10 pounds so far. And I celebrated that by buying myself a nice outfit for Easter. And some hooker heels that I LOVE. And I got paid for my mural this weekend, so I went out and bought the Sketcher Shape-ups that I have been wanting. I received some compliments from my family yesterday. It was nice to hear that someone else is noticing my hard work.

However, it is now time to kick it into high gear. I am driven. I am determined. I WILL DO THIS. And not for anyone else. For ME. MYSELF. I. I do not ever want to feel the way I did last Tuesday. I will NEVER AGAIN let someone that I don't give a flying fuck about make me feel bad about myself. I will not allow people to call me FAT, or LAZY, or BORING. I am none of the above. I need to love myself, and be confident in who I am. Because in the end, that's all I've got. I am alone in this, and in everything that I do. I know that people love me, but even the ones that love you will let you down at some point. And then you are alone. And I don't want to be alone with the person I am now. I don't like her. I don't like the way she looks, or feels, or the way that other people get in her head and try to ruin everything that is good in her life. I don't like her at all. She is all heart, and no strength, and that has NEVER gotten her anywhere in life, except a broken heart. And if this heart breaks again - I don't think there is a glue in the world to fix it.

It's time to be a selfish bitch, and do and say what the hell I want, when the hell I want.

And FUCK ANYONE who has anything to say to me about it.