Progress?

I went on a bit of a rant last week.  I got myself all pumped up.  I found a bunch of inspiring quotes, and helpful tips - and "do these 10 exercises every morning" sheets.  I printed them all out.  I updated myfitnesspal.com account.  I wrote on my blog.  I had had ENOUGH!

 

And then I went home and sat on the couch. 

 

Mother Fucker!!!!

 

Arrgggg!  I hate the cold, so I don't want to go outside.  I hate jumping around inside the house because I feel like I am going to end up in the garage below my living room.  I cannot get up in the mornings - I usually wake up 10-20 minutes before I walk out the door, and even that is only getting 5-6 hours of sleep.  I just don't know what I am going to do about the exercise part.  Hopefully, with either my Tax Returns, or my April bonus check, I will be able to buy the treadmill I have been wanting. 

 

Regardless, I did make some good choices last week.  I tried to drink more water, and less soft drinks.  I tried to eat more fruit and veggies instead of another handful of chips.  And I lost 2.30 pounds.  My goal has always been 2 lbs a week - and I met that.  I have to be okay with that.  But I also have to get moving.  I need to work out, walk, dance, roller skate - something! 

 

Maybe I am the kind of person that can't do it all at once - and maybe that is why I have never been fully successful.  Last week, I made a few better choices.  This week I'll make a few more.  If I keep building and building, I should get there -eventually.  I have to keep reminding myself that I didn't just wake up one morning 62.5 pounds heavier than I was when I went to sleep.  I put that weight on over time, and it's going to have to come back off the same way.   

 

62.5 pounds to go!

 

 

Today's the Day.

Today was weigh in day for Week 5 of the biggest loser competition at work.  I am in LAST place.  In 5 weeks, I have lost 1.8 pounds. 

 

Insert reality check. 

 

Number one, this is BULLSHIT.  It's bullshit that I am in last place.  It's bullshit that I have only lost 1.8 pounds 5 weeks.  These bitches (no offense) basically have a 5 week head start.  And it's not even about the competition, because the only real competition I have is myself.  I am better than this.  I have DONE better than THIS.  I started this more than 5 weeks ago, and for me this is more than a damn $120.00 jackpot.  This is my life.  MY self worth.  MY confidence.  MY health. 

 

Number two, I am the reason these goals have not been met yet.  I make excuses, for and to myself - and THAT shit stops right here.  Right fucking now.  When I started in August, I was the model of determination.  I set goals, I met them.  I said I was going to do something, I did it.  And then in December - I just quit.  I used Debbie's death as an excuse to go back to the laziness, and the fat, and the self loathing.  And it worked.  I put back on almost 20 pounds that I had lost.  Yes - since December 16th, in just 59 days, I have put on 20 pounds.  Are you fucking kidding me?!?!  And I knew it was happening.  I knew that I should have gotten back to eating right, and working out.  But - I looked at the number on the scale, and saw it creeping back up - and that was it.  Poor me.  I can't lose weight no matter what I do. 

 

Yes the FUCK you can FATTY.  You were doing it 6 months ago.  And it was working.  I am the ONLY person holding me back.  Everyone else believes in me.  I am the only one that doubts what I can accomplish.  Stop the stress and feeling eating.  Stop making excuses.  Get off the damn couch, put down the Doritos and M&Ms and do some push ups.  Do some jumping jacks.  Take a walk, a jog, a flat out sprint.  Jump rope.  30 day shred.  Do ANYTHING except lie to yourself and say you can't.  Or you don't have time.  Or you will tomorrow.  They are ALL LIES.  Today is the day.  Now is the time.  Wake up.  Get up.  Show up.  Or shut the fuck up.  Even I am tired of hearing me whine. 

 

 

It's a Case of the Monday's...

It's Monday - so we are already not off to a good start.  I hate Mondays.  I literally LOATHE Mondays.  So for the Biggest Loser competition here at work, guess what day they chose as weigh in day.  MONDAY!  Great.  One more reason for me to hate Mondays.  Especially today.  After having a loss last week, I was extremely disappointed to get on the scale today only to realize I had gained 2.6 pounds.  That's more that I wanted to lose per week. 

And so I sat and sulked.  How did I gain weight?  I can't believe I gained!!!  Something must be wrong with this scale.  I KNOW that can't be right.  It just can't. 

And as I sat and sulked, the little horrific devil on my shoulder started whispering to me...  "Maybe its because you didn't work out", "Well you did eat all those cream pies and cookies last week", "Or, it could have been the chips and the Mt. Dew, and the pizza, and french fries, and ribs".

Damn Devil.

Except it's not the Devil.  These are the choices that I made this week.  I have fallen back on all of my old habits.  I chose not to work out.  I chose to eat like I have the body of a supermodel and the metabolism of a toddler.  I would say that I chose to make excuses, but I didn't even make excuses.  I did it because I felt like it.  Another cream pie?  SURE - why the hell not?  A few more chips?  Screw it!  Eat the whole bag. 

I am so UN motivated to do this.  I really can't get into it, and I am not sure why.  I just want the weight to go away on it's own.  Can someone find me a diet where I lose 5 pounds for every bag of Dorito's I eat?

Sooooo Discouraged - and yet, still highly un-motivated. 

Not sure if I am going to do Atkins now...

With doing this Biggest Loser competition at work, a lot of the girls are doing Atkins, and are producing some impressive numbers.  I was planning on starting the induction phase of Atkins on this coming Monday.  I signed up on Atkins website, and they sent me some free stuff in the mail.  They even sent me a few free samples of their Atkins meal bars. 

I thought I would try a few out this week, so that I knew which ones I liked, and which ones I didn't, so that I could buy more when I went to the store this weekend.  I had one for breakfast at work yesterday.  The chocolate chip crisp bar smelled kinda funny, and tasted a little off, but I thought it was just because it was "diet" food.  I was wrong.  It had coconut in it, which I am allergic to.  I ended up having an anaphallactyc reaction to it, and had to leave work to get home to my EPI pen. 

I think it's a sign.  The very first Atkins related product I have ever eaten in my whole life, tried to kill me.  No, Thank YOU Atkins.  Back to low fat, low calorie diet. 

Time for change

So I moved my blog to this location, and changed the name. Number one, no one ever read the old version. Number two, as I become more involved in MyFitnessPal.com, people started asking me to write a blog- well, a book actually. And it got me thinking, while I am making all of these life long changes- why the hell not? I have moved all my posts from the old blog to this one (this is currently under construction). The new plan is to write for myself on here, and my favorite posts, I will add to my blog on MFP.com.

So, today... We had our first weigh in for the Biggest Loser contest at work. I lost 4.7 pounds. This was a big accomplishment for me. In just 7 day, I doubled what I normally lose per week. And low and behold... I am motivated again. Funny how that happens.

The goal now is to continue on my journey, continue becoming the best version of myself, and maybe write a best selling book along the way. :)

Randomness.

It's weird - it's the 17th.  It's a Tuesday.  And it's the first day of my getting back on the bandwagon. 
Since I have last been on here - I have been through quite a bit.  I know they can be excuses - and they are, but I am not perfect - and my coping mechanisms suck. 
On December 16th, 2011 - We lost Mama Debbie.  She gave up, and took her own life.  I spent a lot of time with my Heather, once she got back to KY.  I tried my best to help her cope, to help her get her Mom's affairs in order, and to get her the hell out of KY.  It was an awful, awful week.  I spent Christmas Eve cleaning out Debbie's house.  I am not sure that Christmas will ever be the same for me. 
This next part, only Matt and my Parents know about - but no one reads this anyway. 

On January 3rd, I had my well visit with my family Dr.  During my visit, Dr. Burghard found a lump in my left breast.  I had a Mammogram done the next day.  The results came back abnormal, so they did a biopsy, and some genetic testing to check for the BRCA1 and BRCA2 mutations.  I just got the results from the biopsy today - and still don't really have an answer. I have some abnormal cells - so I have to have another biopsy done in 6 months.  Then they can compare the results, and we will go from there.  I won't get the results of the genetic testing for about 3 more weeks.
Plus, add in the normal stress of the holidays, and birthdays, and finances, and I have been shit.  So slacking in the beginning of December turned into downright abandonment.  I ate whatever in the hell wanted, whenever the hell I wanted it, and was somehow baffled when I got on the scale and realized I had gained 11 pounds back. 
Then I get to work today.  The girls I work with have decided to do a Biggest Loser Challenge.  Everybody puts $20 bucks in the pot - we weigh in once a week, and go until Memorial Day.  Whoever has lost the largest percent of body fat by memorial day will take the pot.  So I figured, I can sit, and eat whatever in the hell I want and keep getting fatter, or I can get off my lazy ass, and have the bikini body I want by May 28th, 2012.  Hmmmm.  What to do?!?!?!
Duh.  And so it begins.  Again.

It's happening again

I am so aggravated with myself.  I am not doing anything.  I am not working out.  I am not really eating right anymore.  I am back to drinking Mt. Dew whenever I want.  I am not keeping my food diary.  I am not blogging on here.  I have lost all motivation.  I want to lose the weight, but I guess I want it to go away on it's own.  I have talked about working out again.  I have talked about eating all the right things.  I have talked about doing a second round of the fruit flush diet.  I have talked about starting Atkins.  I have talked about doing this, and that.  I do a LOT of TALKING.  But last night, after I ate a half a bag of chips (not really) and an oatmeal cream pie, Matt said to me "How's the diet going?" as he laughed.  I had nothing to say.  I was ashamed of myself.  And even as I type this, I am thinking - well this would be a stupid week to start, since it's Thanksgiving on Thursday.  LAZY.  LAZY.  LAZY. 

I feel like I am on my own.  Matt is not cutting down on anything.  I have no support system on here - which is one of the reasons I don't write here as often.  I am supposed to weigh in for November in just 10 days.  If I had stayed on track, I should weigh 190 pounds.  I can tell you right now, that the only way that is going to happen is if I am in a freak accident, and they have to amputate one of my arms or something.  And being that far behind does nothing for my motivation.  It's like, I can never catch up, so why not put it off until the weekend, until next Monday, until next month.

I have to face facts here.  I either change my ways, and DO instead of TALK, or admit that I will be the fat girl I have always been for the rest of my life. 

#Supersaddiscouragedfatface