Monthly Weigh In

April 1st. April fools day. Another month - gone. I am sure you are DYING to know how I measured up (insert eye roll here - as I am back to believing I am the ONLY person that reads this). But - this is MY journey, and I have come another month, and actually made some progress. Granted, it's not as much as I would have liked, but progress nonetheless. Moment of truth... Here we go...  In one month, I lost 5.2 pounds, while gaining 6 pounds of Lean Body Mass, and losing 11.2 pounds of Fat Body Mass.  I lost a total of 12 inches off of my body.  I also came under 220 pounds, which is a nice milestone I am pretty proud of.  I've noticed that my clothes fit a bit more losely than before, but I havn't lost a pants size yet. You can see my individual measurements below.    If I said I wasn't disappointed, I'd be lying.  I wish that I had made more progress - that the number on the scale was lower, that the reflection in the mirror has changed, that I had lost a pants size or SOME tangible proof that I am making progress.  I just don't see it.   I am focusing on what's below.  Those numbers don't lie.  I am getting there, slowly but surely.  The scale did drop.  The inches have fallen off - which means all those milestones I mentioned in the above paragraph are on their way.  If it hasn't happened yet, it has to be coming soon - as long as I don't give up.  Right?   

	March First	Today!!!!	Results
Weight	224.8	219.6	-5.2
Neck	15	14.5
Chest	43.5	44	+0.5
Waist	38	35.5	-2.5
Abdomen (belly button)	41.75	39.5	-2.25
Hips	49	47	-2
Right Thigh	25	23	-2
Left Thigh	25	23	-2
Right Calf	16.75	16.25	-0.5
Left Calf	16.75	16.25	-0.5
Right Arm	12	12
Left Arm	12	11.75	-0.25
Wrist	6	6
Forearm	9.5	9
Body Fat %	44.5	40.5	-4.0
Lean Body Mass	124.8	130.8	+6
Fat Body Mass	100.00	88.80	-11.20

Weigh In Day!

Today is weigh in day.  It was good, but I am still VERY disappointed.  It’s hard for me to see how far off my goal I am, even though I know I’m moving in the right direction.  This week, I weighed in at 220.6 – which is exactly a 2 pound loss from last week.  I also lost a total of 3 inches – a ½ inch here, a ½ inch there… 

I know!  I should be happy.  I know I should – but I’m not.  Each week, I get further and further from where I wanted to be by now.  This week, I wanted to be at 212.  I am 8 pounds over that.  Plus, I don’t see any changes.  Maybe in my face a little bit, but all of my clothes still fit the same, and I still see a blob when I look in the mirror. 

We are now on week 9 of this little journey.  I’ve always heard that 12 weeks is the magic number… That all of a sudden, your body realizes this isn’t some fad, that you’re actually changing, and lets go and begins to transform.  I have to continue to remind myself that I am still 3 weeks from that point.  I have to continue to remind myself that while I am not seeing changes in the mirror or my wardrobe, that the pictures don’t lie.  That I have lost 65 pounds.  That I have lost 20.75 inches off of my body.  That I have lost at LEAST 20% body fat.  And since I started tracking LBM and FBM, I have gained 8.2 pounds of muscle, and lost 13.6 pounds of pure fat. 

I HAVE made progress – and someday – I’m going to finally see it.  I just have to stay focused. 

Here is a reminder of my goals:

• I will weigh in, and report my weight at LEAST once a week, maybe more.
• I will get to the gym (or workout at home) 4 times each week.
• I will cut out the unnecessary sugary drinks, and get back to drinking water.
• I will update the below chart after each week's weigh-in. If I meet the goal listed, the date will be changed to blue. If I miss it - it will be red. If I meet my 2 lb per week goal, but miss the "goal weight", it will stay purple (blue and red makes what???). Hopefully, by the end of this, there will be more blues and purples than reds. :)

Today's weigh-in: 220.6
01/28/13: 228.0
02/04/13: 226.0 228.0
02/11/13: 224.0 227.8
02/18/13: 222.0 227.6
02/27/13: 220.0 224.8 HA!!!! PURPLE!!! IT'S NOT RED!!!!!
03/06/13: 218.0 222.6
03/13/13: 216.0 224.8 MOTHERFUCKER.
03/20/13: 214.0 222.6 - I'll take it!
03/27/13: 212.0 220.6
04/03/13: 210.0
04/10/13: 208.0
04/17/13: 206.0
04/24/13: 204.0
05/01/13: 202.0
05/08/13: 200.0
05/15/13: 198.0
05/22/13: 196.0
05/29/13: 194.0
06/05/13: 192.0
06/12/13: 190.0
06/19/13: 188.0
06/26/13: 186.0
07/03/13: 184.0
07/10/13: 182.0
07/17/13: 180.0
07/24/13: 178.0
07/31/13: 176.0
08/07/13: 174.0
08/14/13: 172.0
08/21/13: 170.0
08/28/13: 168.0
08/31/13: My Wedding Day!!! Goal: 165.00

C25K - You're FIRED.

It's been a while - really.  It's been 11 days since I have been to the gym, or done any kind of a workout, honestly.  I really just needed some time to adjust, to think, and to figure out what I really want out of all of this.  I had a major meltdown last week - and it took a few days to recover from that, both mentally and emotionally.  Then, this weekend was rough.  It was Matt's birthday Friday - and he was NOT in a good mood – which in the end I realized was all my fault.  It seemed to be a common theme for the weekend, with a few good spots here and there.  It was a little bit of fun, and a LOT of stress, hurt feelings, and anxiety.  It also meant a lot of food that normally not on the menu for me - Chinese, hamburgers, cake, beer... nomnomnom – all the things a FatGirl loves.  I think I went over Friday AND Saturday (I think, because I didn’t actually log my food).  It should all even out for the week though, because of the extreme deficits I carried most of last week.  I just need to get back on the water train to get all this sodium out of my system before Wednesday's weigh in. 

I laid awake for hours last night.  Seriously, I may have gotten two hours of sleep.  I just had too much on my mind.  I thought obsessively about the weekend, and what I had done wrong.  I thought about all the things I was so upset about last week.  I thought about my weight loss, and my workouts, and my diet and my wedding.  And more about the weekend.  I really screwed up – and I knew better.  I feel more like shit today than I did last week.  The only reason I was able to get to sleep was because I came up with a plan to fix all of it.  I think. 

Tonight, it's back to the gym I go.  And I'm not positive C25K is going to be a part of my workout, per-say.  Here's the thing... I like C25k.  But I have put far too much pressure on myself to complete this.  I finally realized why I have been avoiding the gym, and avoiding my workouts.  It all comes down to C25K.  Last round, I got to W5D3, and couldn’t complete it.  This time, I got to W4D1 – and couldn’t bring myself to do it.  Why?  Because I am afraid of it.  I am afraid of failing, and quitting like I did last time.  LAST time when I failed – I quit – period.  I quit trying.  I quit working out.  I quit eating right – all because I felt like I couldn’t accomplish my goals, because I couldn’t complete C25K.  And I gained 25 pounds back in a matter of months. 

That then led to this question: WHY do I feel I have to complete a 5K to be active?  Why do I have to run 3.6 miles to work out?  Why can’t I do any of the other MILLION things there are to do to work out?  Seriously – get on MFP just ONE day, and look at all the different things my friends are doing.  Running.  Lifting weights.  The Arc Trainer.  Zumba.  Yoga.  Stationary bikes.  Body weight exercises.  Fitness challenges.  Etc. etc. etc...  Some people eat 1200 calories.  Some people eat 2800.  Some are on weight watchers, or paleo, or whatever!  WHY must I make myself do ONE thing every time I work out – especially ONE thing I’ve NEVER been able to do!!!  It’s insane.  And what’s the definition of insanity?  Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results!

I need different results.  I need to stop the insanity, and the anxiety about my fear of failure.  So here’s the NEW plan.  MOVE.  That’s it.  Just move.  3 times a week.  For 60 minutes.  Get to the gym, or the TV and do some form of cardio for 30 minutes.  Stationary bike?  SURE.  Arc Trainer?  Why not?  C25k intervals?  Yep.  Can’t get to the gym?  Zumba it is. Or the 30DS.  Or Yoga.  WHATEVER.  Just move!!!  Then, 30 minutes of strength training. 5x5?  YES.  Six pack March, or Kick Ass April?  I want to try it!  Can’t get to the gym?  Body weight exercises, like push-ups and planks.  DO IT.  Do IT.  For 60 minutes, 3 times a week – any day of the week, just as long as I get my 3 workouts in.  Any busy mom can adhere to a schedule THAT flexible, right? 

As far as the rest of it goes – I have to remind myself constantly that NO ONE is perfect.  I’ll clean the house when I can.  I’ll do laundry when I can.  As long as we have clean dishes and socks – it’s all good.  Everyone screws up as a parent, and we all have different ways of parenting.  I am not immune to that.  I just have to do what I think is best for my kids – and hope like hell they turn out as normal, functional members of society.  If that happens, then I did okay, right?  And as far as this weekend goes – you live and you learn.  I can’t take it back, or go fix what has already happened.  I learned a lesson, as a girlfriend and a wife – to NOT listen to my husband when it comes to his birthday. 

The last thing that I’ve come to realize is this.  NOT working out has affected everything in my life in the last two weeks.  I am more stressed out, more on edge, more depressed, and have less energy.  I have all this shit built up inside of me, and no way to release it.  And the stress levels have not changed.  I always feel like this.  Shit is always screwed up at work, at home, with the kids, etc.  The only thing that was different in the last two weeks was my lack of exercise.  So tonight, I am hitting the gym – or my house, depending on soccer, and burning some of this frustration and anxiety and depression and stress off.  I need release, and a few quiet, hot, sweaty, feel the burn moments. 

And maybe – just maybe, I’ll feel like the FatGirl again. 

Failure...

Last night, I straight got called out.

Matt and I were sitting together after we put the kids to bed, talking about our days. I was telling him about the weigh in at work, and how impressive I thought my 8 week stats were. He agreed, then casually mentioned that I need to continue going to the gym. He said that he can really tell when I've been going to the gym, and that I hadn't been in a while. I started explaining why I haven't been this week - and he told me I was making excuses. Everything I named, he retorted with "Excuse". I started getting defensive, and snapping back at him. He told me that many weeks ago - I had asked him to do this. To keep me in check when I started slipping. I told him my logic behind not having enough "fuel" to workout, when I hadn't been eating as much as I need to. Then he threw my diet into the mix. That I don't eat enough, or at the right times - and by doing this, it's easier for me to excuse myself from working out. He said that he was only doing what I asked him to do - that he wants to see me reach my goals, and be happy and proud of myself.

My feelings were so hurt. I love him more than anything in this whole world. He is my biggest supporter, and nothing that he said was ill-natured or meant to hurt me, only to keep me on track. I am SO stressed out right now.  I have a million things going on in my head. I am so busy all the time. I get up at 5 every morning, leave by 6, at work by 7, work until 3:30, home by 4:30. Then it's kids, and dinner, and activities, and homework, and bath time and bed time. Not to mention the cleaning, and cooking and laundry. I usually don't sit down until 9 or 9:30 at night. This past week - and other times - I have been so exhausted that when I do sit down - that's it. I ain't getting back up.  He (unintentionally) made me feel lazy last night, because I didn't want to go to the gym at 9:30. 

 

 Am I? Am I lazy because I am not forcing myself to work out? Should I still be working out on the days I haven't eaten anything? Should I be going to the gym at 9:30, not getting home until 11, and only getting 5 hours of sleep a night? Then I started thinking... Other people do it. I'm not the only working mom out there that is trying to lose weight and become healthier for my family. So how does everyone else do it - because right now, I feel like a complete failure.

 

Matt didn't do anything wrong - in fact, he did EXACTLY what I asked him to, and then apologized for it.  And I hope he continues to do it, because it gave me the kick in the ass I needed. 

The fact is, I AM making excuses - because I am SO fucking tired all the time. ALL the time. I could literally lay my head down on my desk right now and be OUT. I'm too tired to cook for myself, and I won't "cheat" by eating fast food - so I don't eat. I sleep an extra 10 minutes in the morning, and as a result, don't have time to pack my lunch. I sit down on the couch at night to try to spend a few minutes with Matt, and 10 minutes later I am sleeping. I'm not spending time with him. I'm so tired that I'm irritated all the time, and the kids get most of my frustration - cause they are driving me CRAZY. I feel like a horrible mom - like I don't spend enough time with them, just playing and reading and coloring. And I don't get to do those things because they are always mad at me. I feel like because I am the one that disciplines them, that I am always the bad guy, and ANY and everyone else is the good guy.  And then everyone over rules me, because everyone else has a better title than I do. I'm not Mom, or Grandma or Dad or Papa.  So in the end, I feel like I am honestly wasting my time even trying to discipline them because they get to do what they want to do anyway.  And all that makes me second guess myself about how I am trying to raise these kids when they are in my care. 

I am not focused at work, my house is a wreck, and the laundry is piled up. I am CONSTANTLY afraid that I am doing the wrong thing. I'm eating too much. I'm not eating enough. I need cardio. I need weights. I can do C25K. I can't do C25k. I should be walking. I should be doing the elliptical. I should be doing the arc trainer. I should be doing zumba. I should be doing the 30DS. I should be doing yoga. I should be doing body weight exercises. I can do it at home. I am going to the gym. I'm not going to the gym.

I'm going to pull my hair out. I have put so much pressure on myself to be perfect. The perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect employee, the perfect cook, the perfect maid, to have the perfect body... And I'm failing miserably in every aspect. I know that I am letting myself down every time I make an excuse not to go. But now I feel this additional pressure, because I don't want to fail, and right now I am barely keeping my head above water. I haven't been to the gym in a week. A WEEK! And I've done nothing at home either.  I feel like I'm not living up to my own (and other's) expectations.   

 

So - just to condense everything for you... I want to be perfect at everything, and I'm not. I don't shop.  I don't cook.  I don't clean.  I don't do laundry.  I yell at my kids - who hate me for it, and don't listen anyway.  I don't spend time with my husband.  I suck at work, at working out, at managing my home, and at being a mom.  I don't take care of myself - which people that know me can tell by my daily appearance.   And I don't do any of this because I am fat and lazy and tired.  ALL.  THE.  TIME. 

 

So how do I fix it?  Sitting down - ever - is apparently NOT an option.  I am going to have to use every single second of time not at work focusing on my home and my family.  I am tired of disappointing everyone - most of all, myself.  Obviously, working out in the evenings is NOT working for me. The only thing I can think to do is to start getting up in the mornings and going to the gym before work. What scares me is, I've tried that before. And I was NEVER able to get out of bed in the morning to make myself go. And I don't know how to change that.

 

I don't know how to change any of this - but I have to try.  I can't keep beating myself up like this.

 

This message has been sponsored by seasonal depression - because it's just too fucking cold to do anything. 

 

<3 FatGirl   

C25k - to quit, or not to quit. THAT is the question...

I decided to do two seperate posts today, since it was weigh in day.  I wanted that post to be only about that - not just my ramblings.  Life is in the way again.  I am kinda stuck this week, and it's changing my perspective.  And guess what - it all revolves around C25K.  I know I mentioned earlier in the week that I was nervous about running this week.  Longer intervals, same muscle issues.  Then Monday happened.  I didn't write about it here - so I'll catch you guys up.  TOM is still visiting, and I was feeling really bad on Monday when I got home from work.  I took some medicine and laid down for a nap, with every intention of getting up and going to the gym.  The next thing I knew, it was midnight, and Matt was waking me up, and telling me to come to bed. 

Yesterday I felt much better.  I woke up and decided that I would just pack my gym bag, and head straight to the gym after work.  I worked all day with my mind set I was going.  Then, on the way to the gym, Matt called.  Two things had popped up.  One - Little Man had his basketball awards ceremony last night, which we didn't know about until 5 minutes before he called me, thanks to his lovely ex.  Two - we are meeting with the priest from our church tonight.  We are supposed to bring copies of his marriage certificate, and a copy of the divorce decree to show that we are able to get married in the church.  He found one, but not the other.  Hmmm - glad I asked him to look for this stuff last week, and he waited until yesterday.  So guess what - I didn't get to the gym last night either.  I did find the correct documents though - so that's a plus. 

Honestly, it's probably safer that I skipped.  I forgot to mention that on Monday, all I had to eat was a protein bar and a cup of coffee.  And again yesterday - that's all I had before I *would* have been to the gym.  I really didn't have enough fuel to work out, and even after eating and skipping my workout last night, I was still in a MAJOR defecit after two days. 

Tonight, I'm already screwed.  We are meeting with our preist tonight, and he can be a bit long winded, so who knows how long it will take - but just the timing of it doesn't leave me room to go to the gym before OR after, unless I go at 10 tonight.  I already know I can't go tomorrow, as Lil' Miss has soccer practice for TWO AND A HALF HOURS, 30 minutes from where we live.  And since we only have one car - I am SOL.  Lets go ahead and jump to Friday. Friday is one of my favorite days.  It is Matt AND my Dad's birthday.  I get to spend the evening with the two most special men in my life.  And I don't get to see my Dad that often, so there's no way I am going to miss seeing him to go to the gym. 

That means week 4 is dust in the wind - and now I don't know what to do.  Do I pick back up next week where I left off?  Do I back track and repeat week 3?  Do I quit like i've done so many times before?  Here's where I'm at, and what I'm thinking.  I think I want to quit C25k.  I have never been good at running, and the leg issues this time are really freaking me out.  Plus, since I have limited time at the gym, I don't have time to do cardio AND weight lifting.  If I'm being honest with myself, I would rather lift weights.  I want to lose fat.  I want to build muscle.  Cardio I can do at home.  I can walk my dogs.  I can do Zumba or the 30DS or the BBL series.  I can get my cardio in without a gym membership.  Once the weather starts warming up, I can start running outside again - which is the part of running I really enjoy.  And there's no sense in lying.  There's no way in hell I'd run outside in the cold.  I don't love running THAT much, and I HATE the cold. 

I keep letting the voices in my head get to me, justifiying quitting.  Maybe I AM putting too much pressure on my knees/lower back with running.  Maybe I SHOULD wait until I get into a healthier weight range before running like that.  Maybe i'd have time to build up the muscles in my legs before starting again.  It would be easier to get to the gym without a set schedule. 

But at the same time, I don't want to feel like a quitter again.  I think the problem with my legs can be fixed (or at least helped) with a new pair of running shoes - and part of the problem there is the money.  Every extra cent we have is going towards the wedding and/or honeymoon.  There's only 4 weeks of C25K left - IF I pick back up at week 4.  If I stick it out for 4 more weeks, I could finally say that I was able to conquer it.  So I really am stuck, and would appreciate any feedback, comments, questions, or screaming you guys may have.    Annnndddd..... GO. 

Weigh in Day!!!

I have to admit, I am pretty stoked right now.  There's bad, and there's good, but for once, I am actually seeing the positive side of the bad.  So first things first, let's get to the weigh in.  The scale shows I had a loss of 1.2 pounds this week, which is still a pound more than I weighed two weeks ago.  There's the first piece of good news/bad news.  I will defend myself here by saying that I am STILL being visited by TOM, and likely still carrying water weight.  Not to mention that steak and baked potato I had last night that were seasoned with garlic salt.  I knew better - but hey, it was worth it. 

For once - I am not so much concerned with the number on the scale - and here's why.  Though I may weigh one pound more than I did two weeks ago, my measurements tell a completely different story.  In two weeks - I've lost 6.25 inches, lost 1.5% body fat, GAINED 3.9 pounds of muscle, and lost 2.9 pounds of pure fat and took the first "skinny" picture I've ever taken in my life.  Well - at least my face looks skinny.  You can't really see the rest of me, as I had just done a sneak attack on a drunken leprechaun (see previous post, lol).  So take THAT, you stupid liar-face scale.

Then I come here to update the chart you see below, and see that in 7 weeks, I've lost 4.4 pounds, instead of the 14 I was shooting for.  Hmph.  Buuuutttttt......  I have lost 18.5 inches.  I have lost 4.5% body fat.  I have gained 7.8 pounds of muscle, and lost 11.8 pounds of pure fat. 

So FUCK that 4.4 pound loss on the scale. 

UPDATE:  I weighed in again (for the Biggest Loser contest at work.)  I was up to 224.0  I told the girls I had already had 33 ounces of water, and a cup of coffe. As a joke - they told me to go to the bathroom and come back and weigh again.  BOOM.  222.6 pounds!  Back where I was two weeks ago.  Make that a 5.4 pound loss on the scale! 

Here is a reminder of my goals:

• I will weigh in, and report my weight at LEAST once a week, maybe more.
• I will get to the gym (or workout at home) 4 times each week.
• I will cut out the unnecessary sugary drinks, and get back to drinking water.
• I will update the below chart after each week's weigh-in. If I meet the goal listed, the date will be changed to blue. If I miss it - it will be red. If I meet my 2 lb per week goal, but miss the "goal weight", it will stay purple (blue and red makes what???). Hopefully, by the end of this, there will be more blues and purples than reds. :)

Today's weigh-in: 222.6
01/28/13: 228.0
02/04/13: 226.0 228.0
02/11/13: 224.0 227.8
02/18/13: 222.0 227.6
02/27/13: 220.0 224.8 HA!!!! PURPLE!!! IT'S NOT RED!!!!!
03/06/13: 218.0 222.6
03/13/13: 216.0 224.8 MOTHERFUCKER.
03/20/13: 214.0 222.6 - I'll take it!
03/27/13: 212.0
04/03/13: 210.0
04/10/13: 208.0
04/17/13: 206.0
04/24/13: 204.0
05/01/13: 202.0
05/08/13: 200.0
05/15/13: 198.0
05/22/13: 196.0
05/29/13: 194.0
06/05/13: 192.0
06/12/13: 190.0
06/19/13: 188.0
06/26/13: 186.0
07/03/13: 184.0
07/10/13: 182.0
07/17/13: 180.0
07/24/13: 178.0
07/31/13: 176.0
08/07/13: 174.0
08/14/13: 172.0
08/21/13: 170.0
08/28/13: 168.0
08/31/13: My Wedding Day!!! Goal: 165.00

Week 3, Day 3 - Complete!!!

Better late than never, right??

 

I know I have not posted anything in a few days. I normally write my posts up while I am at work on hold on a call - but I have actually been really busy at work lately, and haven't had that much down time. Besides that, I haven't been to the gym since last Wednesday - and honestly, I think I have been avoiding it. Last Wednesday, I completed Week 3, Day 3 of C25K. I was really proud of myself that day. I knew we were supposed to go out that night, so I planned ahead, and took my gym stuff with me to work. I went straight to the gym after work to get it out of the way so I could enjoy the rest of my evening. I made it through the workout with only a little bit of cramping in my right leg (it's always the same spot - on the side of my calf). It also seemed to be easier. I wasn't so focused on passing out - I just wanted to be done with it!

After my workout, as I was sitting down stretching out, I decided to check out the upcoming week of C25K. I shouldn't have done that. I think I've been freaked out about it again. Week 4 is the standard 5 min warm up and cool down, but the interval breakdown is scary to me. Jog 3 minutes, walk 90 seconds. Jog 5 minutes, walk 2.5 minutes. Jog 3 minutes, walk 90 seconds, Jog 5 minutes. I know. I've done this before. I've finished week 4 before. I've run these intervals before. But I'm still worried about it. I didn't have the leg/muscle/cramping issues last time. It freaks me out. I am going to attempt this today. I just have to get it done and get it over with.

I was a crazy person for the second half of last week. I think my body is freaking out with all the changes i've been making - the change in diet, the working out, the water, the stress from planning the wedding, etc. I've been moody, exhausted, and stressed out. I took my rest day on Thursday, then Friday I was such an emotional mess - I chose going to a friends house over working out. Saturday, I did a lot of work around the house, but there was no official workout. Sunday, I spent most of the day nursing an Irish Hangover, along with major cramps from TOM. I ate horribly this weekend - meaning I didn't eat much at all.

And then there's today.  Today, I am still an emotional stress ball. I am either still holding water weight (which is an actual possibility since I am still "on") or I have seriously gained three pounds since my 3/7 weigh in. As of this Wednesday, I had hoped to be around 214. Today, I was 10 pounds over that. It makes me very discouraged - but I am trying to stay positive about it. I tell myself it IS just water weight, and it WILL come off. I tell myself that if I give up now, it never will. I just have to keep pushing. I hope that I see some decrease by Wednesday's weigh in. I really don't want to be in the RED two weeks in a row.

Hopefully, I have good news to report tomorrow. Until then, here's my NSV from the weekend... The first picture I've taken where I thought my face looks thin. See... Told you I was trying to be positive.  Oh, and Happy St. Patty's day!!!