Happy Anniversary to me!!

So today is the one year anniversary of my quitting smoking.  A WHOLE YEAR. 

It’s not even hard.  Yes – there are some days that I dream about smoking (usually when I have a migraine) – but for the most part – it’s like I never smoked in my life.  And while I am SO SUPER PROUD of myself – it came with a glaring price – a whopping 22 pounds. 

That’s right.  I gained 22 pounds since this day last year.  There may have been other contributing factors – change in birth control, change in migraine meds, lack of diet, exercise, and discipline – but 22 pounds nonetheless. 

So while I’m in a good mood – I think I’ll keep this anniversary/momentum/success thing going – and try to start again today to get my weight under control.  I fell off the 5:2 thing a while ago – I don’t really even know how or why – I just kinda stopped doing it.  I got on a kick where I was going to the gym a few days a week on my lunch break – and that fell off too.  I had a week of migraines, and then… well.  You know.  I try to drink water for the most part – but I have started keeping Diet Dr. Pepper in the house for when I just HAVE to have something. 

I’m there.  I want to – I’m aware of it.  I think about doing it all the right way – and I just make the wrong choices – because it’s easy to make the wrong choice.  Today is an acknowledgement of that.  I make the wrong choices, and I make excuses, and I know that I am doing it when I do it.  And it’s time to stop – or start – depending on how you look at it.

I know I have a habit of trying to do too much too soon.  But I don’t really know any other way to do it.  If I say I’m only making small changes here and here – then I end up going overboard there and there, and I justify it to myself by saying – well, I stuck to what I said…  It just doesn’t work.  Not for me anyway.  I have tried the monthly challenges – and never make it past the first week, if I make it that far. 

This is when I start doing some soul-searching, and reliving some of my history.  What works and what hasn’t?  Where have I been successful, and where have I failed?  If I’m 100% honest with myself, what do I love and hate?  What are foods that I just can’t say no to?  And then we draw some lines in the sand. 

If I’m honest – I love the IDEA of running – but I don’t really LOVE running.  And winter is coming, and I don’t like the cold or running on a treadmill.  And maybe once I get down to a more manageable weight, I will enjoy it more – but for now – NO.  No C25Ks this time around.  Maybe in the spring, we can re-visit.  I do enjoy lifting weights – but not sure that only lifting is the best option for me right now. 

If I go back, and really think about it – the most successful I have ever been was using Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred.  It’s 30 minutes, and I can do it at home.  It makes the excuse thing hard to do.  I have a TV and I spend more than 30 minutes at my house every day.  I should be able to manage that.  Not should – WILL.  I WILL MANAGE THAT.   If I decide to go to the gym during work – I will do the 30 minute circuit training (like days we have the kids where I’m running around crazy and don’t get home until 9 at night). 

As for food – I need to be honest with myself here too.  I am horrible at counting calories.  I’ve used MFP for years – and 9 times out of 10, I ignore the alert reminding me to  log my calories for the day.  It’s easy to do – I’m just lazy!  I really need to make an effort here, and be aware of what I am putting in my body.  I have the app on my phone, and I really am going to try to do better.  I also need to get back to just flat out making better choices.  I need to chill out on the fast food and eating out.  I will cut that back to once a week.  The rest of the days I need to pack my lunch, and have frozen meals at home ready to go.  I need to spend Sundays prepping food for the week – and get rid of those excuses as well.  No more “There’s nothing to eat – I’ll just make Nachos”. 

One more thing to be honest about – I am  horrible at consistently checking in here.  I will try to do better there too. 

I’ve stopped one thing that would have killed me – now it’s time to attack another.  Obesity will not be the death of me.    There are 16 weeks to the New Year – if I lose 2 pounds per week from now until then – I can hit the New Year 32 pounds lighter.  If I lose 3 pounds per week – that jumps to 48.  I could be in ONEderland by January.  I just have to commit.  That’s it. 

I have drawn my line in the sand.  Happy Anniversary to me.

5:2 Week Two Update

Today is day 2 of week 3 of 5:2.  I hate to call it a diet – because it doesn’t feel like one.  I have now been through 5 Fasting days – and they get easier each time.  Last night I didn’t really even feel hungry until almost 8.  I had a protein shake – and I was fine.  I ate a bowl of cereal a bit later to try to get my calories up – but that was it.  I went to bed full and content.  As of today, I am down 12.5 lbs., and lost 5.25 inches overall.  My jeans are starting to fit a little bit more loose, my belly is just a bit flatter, and my love handles don’t seem as pronounced. 

I got my book in the mail, and it was surprisingly an easy read.  I was floored by the information – the studies, the scientific evidence of why it works – it all makes sense.  I’m sure all of the other diets have research to support them – but as a perpetual dieter – this one actually works.  I am seeing results, and changes in my body composition.  It’s pretty amazing actually, and I will be sticking with this one for the foreseeable future.  Below is the book – and a link to it on Amazon. 

 

http://www.amazon.com/FastDiet-Revised-Updated-Healthy-Intermittent/dp/150110201X?ie=UTF8&psc=1&redirect=true&ref_=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00

As far as working out - I went to the gym on lunch one day last week, and did C25k on the treadmill.  Other than that, I didn’t really work out.  Thursday is my fast day, and Friday I had a lunch date, and the kids after work.  I volunteered at my brother’s golf outing on Sunday, which I thought was going to be a LOT more exercise than it was.  I would like to get to the gym a few times this week, and I have a 5k on Saturday with the kiddos.  I am still working on trying to run the entire way – so I plan to turn on my C25k app, and try to work with the intervals to get through the 5k.  I KNOW I’m not ready to run the whole thing – considering I haven’t been training for these runs since last fall. 

Wish us luck!

5:2 Week One Update

We are now on day 3 of the 5:2 Fast Diet… and so far, I’m impressed.  Monday was hard.  I decided to start this halfway through the morning, and I had already burned through 175 calories on my delicious coffee.  When you only have 500 calories to work with… that’s a lot to burn on coffee.  I used up the remaining calories with two protein shakes (which never tasted so good before…) and half of a raw cucumber.  I MADE myself go to bed – growling stomach and all – so that I wouldn’t eat anything else.  Seriously – I was so close to binging I put myself in timeout. 

Surprisingly, day two was absolutely normal.   I didn’t wake up starving.  I felt like I had more energy throughout the day, and ate like I normally would.  I didn’t eat more than I normally do, in fact, I stayed just over 1600 calories yesterday – which was actually below what I was allowed.  I weighed myself yesterday morning, and had dropped an astonishing 6 pounds.  I thought for sure it was all water weight (and it still may be), but after weighing in again this morning, I hadn’t put it back on.  In fact, I lost three more ounces.  I don’t plan to weigh in everyday once I really get into this – but I kinda want to this first week – just to watch the day to day changes. 

Today is another “normal” day.  I get to eat and exercise normally.  I am trying to stick with my normal routine – a protein shake on the way to work, coffee once I get to the office, water throughout the day, and a protein shake for lunch.  Today, I had my shake, and went shopping at a consignment store.  I picked out a few things in a size I JUST bought last week, and went to the dressing room.  I know that sizes very from brand to brand – but these weren’t even close.  Nothing fit, and I cried.  Then I stood in front of that mirror – wiped away my tears - and took pictures of myself in just a bra and panties.  And THAT is the ugly truth.  So ugly in fact – I won’t be sharing.  First – not sure my husband would be really happy about it, second – Its quite embarrassing.  I will take some pics in workout clothes and post those instead.  I will however keep those pictures as motivation, and as a reminder of what I don’t want to be. 

I REFUSE to buy a larger size – because I won’t be like this for long.  Instead, I am using the money I was planning on spending on clothes, and getting my Planet Fitness Membership.  There is a location 5 minutes from the house, and another one 5 minutes from the office.  I allowed myself my 3 minutes for my pity-party, and to cry over my reflection, and now it’s time to get over it.  I am ALREADY trying to do something about it – so why cry?  Turn the tears into sweat and determination, and make a change. 

Tomorrow is my next fast day – which I can now prepare for.  I already miss my coffee tomorrow, so I am going to have my vanilla cappuccino protein shake as a replacement. 

This only the beginning.  Stay tuned!

EPIC FAIL / 5:2

Okay – so here we go.

I have not been good.  At ANY of my April goals.  Let’s recap. 

·         Complete the 30 day Water Challenge – which is to drink half my weight in ounces of water each day.  That’s 126 ounces of water every day for the next 34 days.  FAIL.  I have been better at this than other things, but definitely have not met this daily goal. 

·         Coffee and Water only for the month – No soft drinks, beer, wine etc.  A Gatorade is acceptable IF I have a migraine.  FAIL.  I’ve had beer – which I planned for.  But I’ve had my margarita mix, a few Pepsi’s and a glass of wine or two.  I did finally replace the Pepsi with a Crystal Light Raspberry Lemonade.  I can do that.  5 calories, and no extra sugars… I don’t feel so guilty about it. 

·         Complete the squat/push-up challenge (follow calendar) EPIC FAIL.  I did one day. ONE.  FUCKING.  DAY. 

·         Exercise 3 days a week – either run or do a video (30 day shred, Zumba, Yoga, etc.) FAIL.  I walked for a few days – then the weather took a turn for the worse… and FAIL.  I have not ran once, nor have a done a workout DVD. 

·         NO fast food.  Period.  FAIL.  While I’ve been pretty good at this, I have eaten out a few times. 

·         Take before/after pics  FAIL. 

·         Lose 10 pounds  FAIL.  Well, the month isn’t over yet, but if I make it, it will be a miracle.  I’ve actually gained according to this morning’s weigh in.  4.7 pounds since 03/28. 

·         Try to eat at 1600 calories (plus exercise cals) each day  FAIL.  I haven’t even been logging my calories.  A few days – maybe.  This past week – I couldn’t tell you, but I’d be surprised if my numbers were that low. 

So, as you can see, I’m doing pretty good.  EPIC FAIL!!!

Here’s the thing about me.  I get really excited about something, and I stick to it, for like, a week.  Maybe two.  And then – it’s like running into a concrete wall.  It just stops.  The drive, the motivation, everything.  And I eat a bag of Dorito’s at 11pm on a Tuesday.  Why?  Because I’m bored.  And they’re delicious.  DAMNIT.  I don’t like the fad diets.  Everyone believes in something else.  Try Weight Watchers… Try Atkins… Try combining the both and see what works for you.  Don’t eat carbs.  Don’t eat meat.  Don’t eat vegetables.  Don’t eat processed food, or sugar, or gluten, or food.  It’s overwhelming. 

Now – let’s talk about the Depo shot.  The best worst thing that I’ve ever done.  I’ve been on the shot since October.  While I don’t have exact numbers (I need to ask my Dr. for these) I know in September (21^st) I weighed in at 232.4.  I received the second shot in January, and the third last Friday.  Today I weighed in at 255.9  - a new 8 year record for me.  That is a 23.5 pound difference.  I know I quit smoking during that same time frame  - so some of the weight could be smoking related – but that is hardly the point.  23.5 fucking pounds.  I hate myself.  How much is the shot?  How much is the smoking?  And how much is me being a lazy ass that eats entirely too god-damned much?

And then yesterday happened.  Yesterday was my Mom’s birthday, and we all went to dinner to celebrate.  And there is my picture-happy sister taking 100+ pictures of all of us.  And then she posted them on Facebook.  And then reality set in.  It was the first day nice enough that I wore a sleeveless shirt.  I seriously regret that now.  The shirt was new – size XL – and it was tight on my chest.  Then there’s the arms.  OMG THE ARMS!!!  I would also like to add that my sister doesn’t use photo shop.  What you see is what you get.  I.  HATE.  MY.  BODY.  I am disgusted and embarrassed by these photos – and I wish she would take them down.

 

 

So – where am I going with this?  I have a new plan – or at least one that I am going to try.  I had read a while ago an interview that Jimmy Kimmel had done where he was asked about his weight loss.  He said that he was doing the 5:2 diet.  That he was mean on the 2 days, and ate like a glutton on the 5 days.  I had no idea what it meant – and the article didn’t go into much detail.  Then today, the Business Insider published an article on the Fast Diet, aka the 5:2.  The basic gist of it is this:  You fast for 2 days of the week, cutting your calorie intake to ¼ of what it normally is – usually to about 400-500 calories.  The other 5 days – you eat like you normally would.  I was intrigued, so I started looking around.  I have not seen much negative feedback on this – but a LOT of positive.  And I feel – because of my current eating habits – that this is actually something I could sustain. 

http://www.businessinsider.com/facts-and-science-about-the-fast-diet-2016-4?utm_content=buffer39dfb&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

So I’m giving it a shot.  I ordered the book, and I’m doing my first fast day today.  And if it doesn’t work – I’m getting OFF the depo shot in 3 months.    I can’t keep gaining.  I just can’t...

Mid- Week Progress update

This week has and hasn’t been difficult.  Some things were easy to drop, or pick up.  Others have been much more difficult.  I’ve been using protein shakes as a meal replacement for my breakfast and lunch.  It’s been easy to drink more water – it’s been harder to pass on the Pepsi.  This only seems to bother me a dinner time though.  It’s been hard to ignore the Easter Baskets filled with all the chocolatey goodness – but so far, I’ve been successful.  I haven’t eaten out – but it has only been two days.  The first night, I had leftovers – which wasn’t the greatest choice ever.  I ended up over my calorie goal by about 275 calories.  Yesterday I was under my calorie goal.  The days have to balance out, right?

I’ve been using 30 minutes of my lunch to walk each day – just to try to get some extra steps in.  I missed the squat/pushup challenge last night.  I can honestly say I thought about it multiple times, but never did it.  Now, the plan is to double up tonight.  I did get 72 minutes of walking in  - and got my husband and our dogs to go with me for our evening walk.  My Fitbit says I took 7,088 steps yesterday.  I am going to try to beat that number a little bit each day – with the eventual goal of hitting 10k steps daily.  Its supposed to be beautiful here today.  I am hoping to try to get a run in tonight, in addition to my double dose of squats and pushups. 

So far – my biggest issue has been saying NO to the mindless snacking at night when I’m bored or watching TV.  I don’t need it.  I’m not even hungry.  But I want it.  I crave it.  I get depressed and even irritable about it.  I keep telling myself that I’m detoxing or something.  Its craving sugars or carbs – or just having something to do with my hands.  I’ve been able to say no so far – but it’s something I really struggle with.  I am also assuming that this is something that will get easier with time. 

I want so very badly to get on the scale.  I want to be below 250.  I want to see that the changes I’ve been making are doing something.  But I don’t want to know.  I don’t want to weigh myself only to find that there is no change – or worse – an increase.  It’s a double edged sword.  Oh – and it’s only been two days.  But I’m impatient – and I want results yesterday.  But this is real life, and not a reality TV show.  I don’t have a personal chef cooking for me, or 8-10 hours a day to spend at the gym, or a personal trainer  in my face keeping me focused.  I only have me and my reflection, and I’ve already said I don’t get along with the reflection in the mirror.  So it’s just me.  And I’m human.  And I keep putting off taking a “Before” picture.  That’s one reality I just don’t want to face.  And one more that I just need to. 

I’m a work in progress. 

The April Challenge

Here we are again – how many years later?  And I’m still fighting the same fight.  The Battle of the Bulge (at my waistline).  I’ve never been very successful at this – but I think It’s just because I’m happy.  Sounds weird, right?  Let me explain.  I am NOT happy with my body, or my weight.  I hate my reflection in the mirror.  When I weighed in this morning, the number is the highest it’s been in almost 9 years.  I knew it was getting up there.  I quit smoking at the end of September - and I'm sure I put on a few pounds there - but I refused to weigh in.  My doctors changed my birth control and my seizure/migraine medication at the end of last year.  My weight began to climb.  I put on 15 pounds in a month.  That was in late November.  I swore I wouldn't start 2016 over 240 pounds... but It happened.  I’ve put on another 5 pounds since then.  But when you complain about feeling/looking fat, and your husband and kids tell you you’re beautiful, and perfect just the way you are… it makes it easy to justify just one more cookie.  Or a second or third soft drink.  Or eating out because it's too late to cook.  Or last night when I knew I was starting my diet today – and I binged on Reese’s Eggs and M&Ms. 

It’s easy to make excuses.  It’s easy to find a reason why you can cheat.  It’s a birthday.  It’s a Friday.  It’s Easter.  And I have found it’s much easier to avoid mirrors/reflections than I had originally thought. 

Its old. 

I am recommitting myself today, and the first step is admitting you have a problem, right?  Well… here it goes.  My name is Rebecca.  I am 33 years old, I weigh 251.2 pounds, and I am obese.  I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  And it’s time to make a change.

I think one of my issues has always been that I have set goals that are TOO high – TOO much.  I need to set smaller, more attainable goals, and go from there.  So that’s the way I am approaching it this time.  I am focusing on April – and nothing further than that.  I have certain goals, or changes that I want to make.  I want to commit fully to that for the entire month of April – and then see how I feel.  I will make changes after that – as I know all of these cannot/won’t be possible to hold to for the rest of my life. 

So here they are:  My April Goals

• Complete the 30 day Water Challenge – which is to drink half my weight in ounces of water each day.  That’s 126 ounces of water every day for the next 34 days. 

• Coffee and Water only for the month – No soft drinks, beer, wine etc.  A Gatorade is acceptable IF I have a migraine. 

• Complete the squat/push-up challenge (follow calendar)

• Exercise 3 days a week – either run or do a video (30 day shred, Zumba, Yoga, etc.)

• NO fast food.  Period. 

• Take before/after pics

• Lose 10 pounds

• Try to eat at 1600 calories (plus exercise cals) each day

There is ONE exception to this plan.  And THAT would be April 4^th.  April 4^th is opening day – and I’m allowing myself to have a few beers that day.  But that is IT.  One exception to the rule. 

I bought a food journal that I am going to use each day (page example below).  I am hoping that it will help me realize some things about my relationship with food – as well as help me keep track of my water and calories.  Other than that, I want to weigh in each Monday, and I will only take measurements on the first Monday of each month.  I don’t want to get too obsessive about the scale or the measuring tape like I have in the past. 

So here goes... well... everything.  Wish me luck!  I'm going to need it. 

 

Not again...

It’s been a while again.  I have been having some health issues lately.  My migraines have been out of control.  I have been in bed for weeks at a time, have tried more medications than I can count, have been through countless tests – and my head still hurts.  One of the biggest things that they have done is changed my birth control multiple times because the hormones trigger severe migraines.  So I had one last stop before the IUD or getting my tubes tied – to the depo shot. It is well documented that one of the main side effects of the shot is weight gain.  OF COURSE this would hit me.  I don’t know the exact number, because I haven’t been back to the OBGYN, but based on the number at the Family Doc last week, I’m guessing I’ve put on about 20 pounds in about 6 weeks.  On November 24^th, I weighed in at my heaviest in YEARS – 244.  I haven’t had a period in a while, and probably won’t because of the shot.  I was on crazy meds because of the migraines. So I don’t know if I was holding water because of one or both, or if it’s all from the shot, but I was devastated.  244 pounds.  How did I let it get to this again? 

 

I have got to be realistic.  Now is the time of year when I am the worst.  I suffer from seasonal depression.  I want to crawl in a hole and come out in April.  I don’t want to do anything other than lay on the couch under a blanket.  I can’t set myself up to fail – again.  I can’t say I’m going to work out 5 days a week when I know I’m not going to, so I want to start with small goals.  Drink more water.  Walk 15 minutes a day.  Something.  Anything.  I just can’t.  I won’t.  I won’t start out 2016 over 240 pounds.  I won’t.  Today, didn’t wake up with a headache, and I brought my water.  Today, I will meet my water goals, and walk for 15 minutes.  Today, I will start again.