Something's gotta give.

I had a great weekend. I really did. And then it all went to hell about 5:00 last night. Matt and I were on the way to Lil' Miss's soccer game. We were chatting in the car, and he asked if I was ready to be in a bathing suit in 6 weeks. The first week in June we are taking our annual friends trip to the lake. Obviously, I'm not ready - but what choice to I have? This is always a really hard weekend for me because all of my girlfriends (that are going on this trip) weigh about 90 pounds soaking wet. So, I think to myself - I'm obviously not going to be able to get to the "final" goal by then, but I can certainly step it up a bit.

I decided while we were at the game that come hell or high water, I was going to set up my home gym when I got home last night. I didn't have long before the kids would be home, so I would have to work quickly. As soon as I got home, I went straight to the basement. I quickly began moving this and that, shoving shit in corners and to the other side of the basement. Within a few minutes I had a large enough spot cleared off. I swept. I wiped down my "new" furniture. I set the TV up. I ran upstairs and got my DVD player. While Matt took care of all the wires and settings and stuff - I ran upstairs and started collecting all my workout stuff from various rooms of the house. DVDS. Weights. Yoga mat. Swiss ball thingy. Foam roller. OOOOhhhh - a desk fan!

I was so excited. I carried all the shit to the basement, turned the corner, and found Matt staring at me. It wasn't a good stare. "SPEAK! What's wrong!?!?" My DVD player is not working. It won't play. It wont even try to load the disk. It won't eject the disk inside. NOTHING. NO RESPONSE. The VCR side of the player works just fine. PERFECT. BECAUSE I DON'T OWN ONE FUCKING VHS TAPE!!! I was livid. I was sad. I was disappointed. The damn thing worked fine TWO DAYS AGO!!! What happened?!?! So now, I have my workout room. I just can't fucking use it.

Yes I can buy a new DVD player, and in fact, I already have (I pick it up today al Walmart) - but that's not the point. It's just my luck. Free TV? Free TV stand? Finally getting your workout room? NOPE. Nice fucking try. Now you have to go spend $50 dollars on a damn DVD player. Which I followed up with emotional eating - of tacos and nachos and a burrito and a Mt. Dew and fudge-cicles. At 10:00 at night.

My amazing mood carried over into this morning. My workout alarm goes off at 4:45am. What did I do? I turned that annoying thing off and went back to bed. That's right. Because I can't do my DVD. When I finally did get up for work at 5:30 - I was pissed at myself. I should have gotten up. I should have done something else - walked, run, something! When I got to work - I have my calendar staring at me. 117 days until the wedding. I get on the scale. 223.0 pounds. Next came a trail of obscenities that was a little much for even my foul mouth. I go back to the calendar. 17 weeks to the wedding. Even if I lose 2 pounds a week (34 pounds) that only puts me at 189. That's 25 pounds HEAVIER than I wanted to be. And that's IF I can lose 2 pounds a week. In the last 11 weeks I only lost 5 pounds .

This seems like an impossible feat. I feel defeated - I feel like giving up. But I know that giving up only guarantees one thing - that I will be just as fat, just as insecure - if not more so - when the day finally arrives. Obviously what I'm doing isn't working. Changes have to be made. So I go back to the basics. How does someone lose weight? By creating a calorie deficit. To lose 2 pounds per week, I need a 7000 calorie deficit per week, or 1000 calories per day. That puts me at 1260 calories per day. I need to NET that number - which means eating my exercise calories back.

And I'm sure every person I know is going to jump my shit for this - for cutting my calories the way that I am - but I have to do something. I'm giving it a shot. I gave everything else a shot. I tried the whole EMTWL or IPOARM thing for MONTHS - and this - where I am now - is a direct result of that. Yes - some things are smaller. I've lost a whopping 5 pounds. But I am still in the same clothes. I still have the same reflection in the mirror. I still have the same self hate and insecurities. I don't feel more energetic - in fact, I feel more depressed because I've tried so hard with no results.

So - I updated MFP. I changed my weight-loss ticker to start over. I haven't lost 68 pounds. I've lost 5. I updated my calories. And I bought a DVD player that will be ready for pickup by the time I get home from work. I joined a 30 day shred group today - all starting today - so I'm starting over. Plus, I'll be doing another challenge for May (same one as April). I created a page-a-day calendar for my workouts that tells me what all I have to do that day, and how many days until the wedding that I can hang up in my workout room.

I am sick and tired of hating myself and my body. I am sick of thinking to myself that Matt is lying to me when he tells me that I'm beautiful - or that this is the best I've ever looked. I want to see what everyone else sees. I want to change my own self perception. And in order for me to do that - I have to see that number on the scale change. I can't live like this anymore. I can't continue to be depressed and angry and on edge all the time. Something's gotta give.

FatGirl

Weekly AND Monthly Weigh-in Day!!!

It's Wednesday, and it's the first, so we get two for one with today's weigh in! Progress is progress, right? While I am not so happy about the actual number in pounds - I will be curious to see what next week brings.

Today, I weighed in at 221.0, but TOM is here. If history has anything to say about it, I am holding 5-6 pounds of water weight. As much as it sucks, I know I'm not getting a true reading of my weight on the scale today. I am actually showing a 1.4 pound GAIN.  BOO.  Trying to stay positive, I decided to check out my monthly measurements.  In the last month, I have lost a total of 5.5 inches, 1.4% body fat, 3.6 pounds of fat, and gained 5 pounds of lean mass. Again, the number is not where I want it, but considering the time of the month, and the other improvements I've made, I'll take it.

Then I decided to take it one step further.  I wonder what my results since the beginning are?!?  So I head back to my February 18th on my handy-dandy FatGirl weightloss tracker version 2.0.  I was surprised and impressed with myself.  Even if the number on the scale hasn't moved that much in a little over 2 months, I personally think the rest of the results are astounding.  6.6 pounds lost, 28.75 inches, 8.3% body fat, 22.3 pounds of fat mass, and a gain of 15.7 pounds of lean mass!  I will post the actual breakdown at the end of this post. 

I know that my body is changing.  Other people have started to comment on it, especially Matt.  And especially when I'm naked.  LOL  I don't really feel that different, or feel that I look that different, but I'm sure that will come eventually. 

In the meantime, Sunday, I started Day ONE of Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred in my new workout room in the basement.  Sunday began the countdown... 30 days to Memorial Day.  30 days to bathing suit season.  30 days until summer dresses, and shorts, and other clothes that don't cover fat well.  It's time to get down and get serious.  I have not missed a day.  I am going to spend 10 days at each level, upped my protein intake, and took before pictures.  I will use todays weigh in and measurements for my starting measurements, even though I am a few days late.   I am actually really excited to see what this month brings for me!

	Feb. 18th	Today!!!!	Results
Weight	227.6	221.0	-6.6
Neck	15	14.0	-1.0
Chest	43.5	43.5	-
Waist	39	34.0	-5.0
Abdomen (belly button)	45.0	37.5	-7.5
Hips	49.5	45.0	-4.5
Right Thigh	25.25	22.75	-2.5
Left Thigh	25.25	22.75	-2.5
Right Calf	17.5	15.5	-2.0
Left Calf	17.5	15.5	-2.0
Right Arm	12.0	11.5	-0.5
Left Arm	12.0	11.5	-0.5
Wrist	6.0	6.0	-
Forearm	9.75	9.0	.75
Body Fat %	46%	37.7%	-8.3%
Lean Body Mass	123.0	138.7	+15.7
Fat Body Mass	104.6	82.3	-22.3

Weigh in Day - and frustrated as shit.

Mother.  Fucker. 

SOMETHING is not right.  I don't know what it is, but I am NOT losing weight, and it's really starting to piss me off. 

Scratch that.  I know exactly what it is.  I haven't been working out.  I can make excuses all day - some of them being legitiment reasons, but bottom line is - I just haven't been doing it. 

Don't get me wrong.  Today's results were great.  I weighed in at 220.2 - which is a 4.2 pound loss from last week (and the week before).  I also lost 3.25 inches.  However - 4 weeks ago today, I weighed in at 220.6.  Three weeks ago, I was at 219.6.  When you look at in those terms - even though I had a 4.2 pound loss this WEEK - this month, I haven't actually lost anything.  In three months I've lost 7 pounds. 

I've given it time.  I've waited it out, and been patient and frustrated and pissed off.  I readjusted my goals on MFP.  I dropped my activity level when calculating my BMR.  It's time to drop some calories, and up the workouts and see if that helps.  Something has got to give.  I will not settle for this.   

This Sunday will be 30 days until Memorial Day.  30 Days until the BIG weigh in.  30 Days until the official kick off to bikini season.  So I'm going for it.  30 Day Shred, here I come.  I am starting full swing on Sunday.  5 a.m. workouts begin Monday.  Everyday for 30 days I am going to give everything I have for 30 minutes.  I am going to take before and after pictures, measurements etc.  I am really praying for results here.  It would be amazing if I could finally drop a pants size by memorial day.  I would love to possibly wear a pair of shorts in public this summer, let alone a bathing suit. 

I can, and WILL do this.  And on the days I don't feel like getting up - I am making myself watch this video before I am allowed to lay back down. 

Rise and Shine FatGirl.  Rise and Shine. 

Here is a reminder of my goals:

• I will weigh in, and report my weight at LEAST once a week, maybe more.
• I will get to the gym (or workout at home) 4 times each week.
• I will cut out the unnecessary sugary drinks, and get back to drinking water.
• I will update the below chart after each week's weigh-in. If I meet the goal listed, the date will be changed to blue. If I miss it - it will be red. If I meet my 2 lb per week goal, but miss the "goal weight", it will stay purple (blue and red makes what???). Hopefully, by the end of this, there will be more blues and purples than reds. :)

Today's weigh-in: 220.2
01/28/13: 228.0
02/04/13: 226.0 228.0
02/11/13: 224.0 227.8
02/18/13: 222.0 227.6
02/27/13: 220.0 224.8 HA!!!! PURPLE!!! IT'S NOT RED!!!!!
03/06/13: 218.0 222.6
03/13/13: 216.0 224.8 MOTHERFUCKER.
03/20/13: 214.0 222.6 - I'll take it!
03/27/13: 212.0 220.6
04/03/13: 210.0 219.6
04/10/13: 208.0 224.4
04/17/13: 206.0 224.0
04/24/13: 204.0 220.2
05/01/13: 202.0
05/08/13: 200.0
05/15/13: 198.0
05/22/13: 196.0
05/29/13: 194.0
06/05/13: 192.0
06/12/13: 190.0
06/19/13: 188.0
06/26/13: 186.0
07/03/13: 184.0
07/10/13: 182.0
07/17/13: 180.0
07/24/13: 178.0
07/31/13: 176.0
08/07/13: 174.0
08/14/13: 172.0
08/21/13: 170.0
08/28/13: 168.0
08/31/13: My Wedding Day!!! Goal: 165.00

Weigh-in Day - again. Uggghhhh

Well contrary to what MY memory tells me, I see now that I did not post my weigh in results last week. No worries - there wasn't much to report. TOM is in town, so I was holding onto about 6 pounds of water weight. What sucks is it's still there. TOM is still here, and I am still fat and bloated and gross. At least - that's what I'm praying for. I hope that there is no way in hell that I have gained 5 pounds in two weeks. Today, I weighed in at 224.0 - a 4.4 pound gain from two weeks ago, and 4 ounces under where I was last week.

I am becoming increasingly more frustrated with my progress. Some things I get excited about, others just drag me down to the trenches of fat-hell. The weight is not coming off they way I wanted or expected it to. My body is not changing the way I wanted or expected it to. I have lost inches. I have lost pounds. But it's happening so slowly I really don't even notice it. I had a goal of losing two pounds per week. I've lost 4. TOTAL. I should be at 206 today - and I'm at 224. I was 228 in January. January! I still wear spanks every day of my life - even under my workout clothes at the gym.

I have gotten so frustrated that I can see myself slipping back into old habits. A Mt. Dew here and there. A McChicken when the kids get McDonalds. Late night snacking. Not eating during the day. Not drinking water. AND - not working out. I haven't abandoned it all together. I walk. I do the April challenge every few days to try to catch up. Some days, I wonder why I'm even doing this. And of course I come up with all the same reasons you guys are SCREAMING in your heads right now. To lose weight, to become healthier, to feel better about myself, to set a good example for my kids...etc. BUT - my inner fat girl screams back and says - you've been doing all this for months - and NOTHING'S CHANGED!!!! Give it up. You're doing it wrong. You're not teaching the kids anything! You eat good food and workout - and you're still fat!!! So why bother?!?!

And still I refuse. I will not spend another summer afraid to be in a bathing suit in public. I will not spend another summer wondering if someone is staring at my fat arms in my tank top. I will not wear jeans and black to cover up my entire body when it is 100 degrees out. I just can't do it anymore. So something has to change. I have spent MANY weeks eating 2k calories. I am not going to go higher, because that would be above my TDEE. So I am going to decrease my calories to 1750 - halfway between my BMR and my TDEE.

As for working out - this is where I get stuck. I want to push myself. I WANT RESULTS. So I asked myself a question. When was I getting results? That was easy - I was doing the 30 Day Shred. So I'm going to give it another try. I found an old TV, and an old TV stand on a garage sale board - for free. I already contacted the lady, and if everything goes as planned, I should be able to pick them up tonight. If it pans out, then I am making myself a workout room in the basement. I can keep all my stuff in one spot, and do my videos down there. No one will hear me jumping around, I won't be so self conscious. If this all works out, I would like to start working out in the mornings before work - and hopefully, maybe, try to start doing two-a-days.

It IS going to happen for me. I WILL make this happen. This will be the LAST year that I will feel fat. And I will get to ONEDERLAND before I get married. There is no other option for me. I don't want to live like this anymore.
Here is a reminder of my goals:

• I will weigh in, and report my weight at LEAST once a week, maybe more.
• I will get to the gym (or workout at home) 4 times each week.
• I will cut out the unnecessary sugary drinks, and get back to drinking water.
• I will update the below chart after each week's weigh-in. If I meet the goal listed, the date will be changed to blue. If I miss it - it will be red. If I meet my 2 lb per week goal, but miss the "goal weight", it will stay purple (blue and red makes what???). Hopefully, by the end of this, there will be more blues and purples than reds. :)

Today's weigh-in: 220.6
01/28/13: 228.0
02/04/13: 226.0 228.0
02/11/13: 224.0 227.8
02/18/13: 222.0 227.6
02/27/13: 220.0 224.8 HA!!!! PURPLE!!! IT'S NOT RED!!!!!
03/06/13: 218.0 222.6
03/13/13: 216.0 224.8 MOTHERFUCKER.
03/20/13: 214.0 222.6 - I'll take it!
03/27/13: 212.0 220.6
04/03/13: 210.0 219.6
04/10/13: 208.0 224.4
04/17/13: 206.0 224.0
04/24/13: 204.0
05/01/13: 202.0
05/08/13: 200.0
05/15/13: 198.0
05/22/13: 196.0
05/29/13: 194.0
06/05/13: 192.0
06/12/13: 190.0
06/19/13: 188.0
06/26/13: 186.0
07/03/13: 184.0
07/10/13: 182.0
07/17/13: 180.0
07/24/13: 178.0
07/31/13: 176.0
08/07/13: 174.0
08/14/13: 172.0
08/21/13: 170.0
08/28/13: 168.0
08/31/13: My Wedding Day!!! Goal: 165.00

WHY. WHY?!?!

Today is a bad day. A really bad day.

It all started with my washing machine. To make a long story short - it went kaput halfway through a wash cycle - leaving my clothes soaking wet, smelling funny, and nothing to wear to work today. TOM is here, so I have an extra 5 pounds of water weight on me. I walked out the door feeling self-conscious about what I was wearing - but it's the best I could come up with.

We will fast forward through all the other bad shit - no time for coffee, hair and makeup look awful, bad traffic, late to work, FitBit broken, 5 pound gain on the scale, no headphones for iPod - etc.

Now - the reason why we are here. I walked to the kitchen to refill my water after walking the stairs. There is a chick in there that looks like she weighs 82 pounds. I have never seen her before in my life. I said hello - because i'm not rude. She said hi, and gave me the once over. When her eyes fell to my midsection, she smiled, reached her hand out, touched my stomach and said "Aaaaaawwwwww! I love a pregnant belly!!! How far along are youuuuuuu??????"

I was in shock. She could tell by my face something was wrong. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I finally composed enough words to sputter "But i'm not pregnant..." I expected her to be mortified, to be embarrassed, to apologize profusely. I was wrong. Her hand shot to her mouth to cover the laugh that had escaped her. And she turned and walked away.

I cannot get this out of my head. I just can't. I am mortified - for many reasons. I thought I was past that point. I know I still have a long way to go, but I thought I was past the point of being so fat, that the only logical explanation to a thin person is that I MUST be pregnant. Is it really because I still weigh that much? Is it because of the outfit I'm wearing? At what point in this journey will I not have to fear this question anymore?!?! Because I am paralyzed by it right now. I am terrified to get up from my desk, to let people see me. I am quite literally having a major anxiety attack about having to go to the bathroom.

One week ago - I was so proud of all that I had accomplished this year, and the last month. And in one sentence, she shredded every ounce of self confidence I had gained. Please don't tell me to ignore her or what she said. Because that is just not possible. I can pretend that it doesn't bother me for the sake of others, but deep down inside me - I know that forgetting is not an option. Ignoring is not an option. Pretending that didn't just happen is NOT an option. It's people like HER that have gotten me here.

You work your ass off for weeks, months, years... And you lose 5, 10, 50 pounds. And it's not good enough. She doesn't care that I have lost 66 pounds. All she sees is that I am so fat, there must be a small human growing inside my abnormally large stomach. She makes me want to take the easy way out - to take some magic pill, or rub or wrap. To starve myself, and forget my family and my job, and my health, and work on a treadmill every waking moment until I weigh 82 pounds like her. Because obviously, whatever I am doing is not working. It's not making people think I am any less pregnant than they thought I was 66 pounds ago. It's not making me feel good when I look in a mirror. It's not making changes in my clothes, or my confidence, or my sex life.

I'm not stupid. I'm not doing any of those things -because those are the things I've done before when I've yoyo'd up and down on the scale. But it kills me. Why does someone feel they have the right to touch me? Why does someone feel they have the right to ask about my non-existent human lodged in my fat roll? What gives someone the right to LAUGH at someone who is over weight? Why do thin people have all the power? Why do they get to laugh at us, and call us fat, or thick, or big boned, or pregnant? Why do they have the ability to make us feel like shit, and we have no retort? THIS is why i'm still like this. Because one skinny bitch can say one sentence, and derail 4 months worth of work. All I want to do right now is dive face first into a bag of - well - anything, post up on my old barstool, drink 'till I can't feel feelings, and then go to sleep. Because if I'm alseep, I won't be thinking about this.

But I'm not, and I can't. Because I am paralyzed at my desk, afraid to move, and having an anxiety attack about my next bathroom break.

Fuckyouverymuch.

FattyMcFatterson FatGirl.

Weigh-in Day!!!

I know its late, but it's been a crazy-busy week.  Normally, I write my posts while I'm at work sitting on hold with yet another person that doesn't want to do their job.  That is another post for another day though.  Monday, I started my April Challenge - and I'm going strong.  I missed one day - but made up for it by doing one workout in the morning, and a second one in the evening at work.  I have not had the chance to walk the stairs everyday either - like I said - I've been REALLY busy at work.  But, i'm still trying to get something in.  Last night for instance, Madie had soccer practice.  I did my quick April challenge while she ate dinner, then walked for 70 minutes last night while she practiced.  I had a terriyaki chicken stir-fry for dinner last night - which while healthy has a pretty good dose of sodium, and that's reflecting on the scale this morning. I'm gonna be drinking water like a crazy person today!

Wednesday was my weigh in.  I officially broke the 220 mark, coming in at 219.6.  I lost another 3.25 inches, including a full inch and a half around my hips!  But the biggest thing that I was excited about this weigh-in was my percentage of body fat.  For the first time in over a decade, that number was under 40% - 39.1% to be exact!  In one week, one weigh-in, I crossed two major milestones in this journey - and I'm pretty proud of that. 

I am also already making plans for next month.  My Heather is doing Insanity again.  She did one round last year and had some amazing results.  She's on Day 5 right now - and I'm obsessed.  I can't wait to hear about what she had to do that day.  I know that the workouts are super intense, and are much more of a time commitment than I am used to - but I'm going to do it.  I found a set on Craigslist yesterday for 20 bucks - still in the package.  I downloaded the fitness test yesterday, and I am going to do those on Sundays - since Sunday is my "off" day from the April Challenge.  I think it will be a good weigh to acclimate me to what Insanity is - and will help me gauge if what I am currently doing is actually having any affect on my strength, endurance, etc.  This way, I have a whole month to mentaly prepare for this - for the longer workouts and the higher intensity.  And apparently, Shawn T is a crazy person!!! 
 
Of course, I'm all excited about it now - but we've all seen me do this before.  I guess we'll see what next month brings! 

April Challenge - Day 1!!!!

Last night was the first night of the April Challenge. I had to do 10 squats, a 15 second wall sit, 30 seconds of burpees, 10 sit-ups, 5 push-ups and a 15 second plank. It doesn't sound like much, and took me all of about 5 minutes to do - but I am SORE today! I love this because one thing that always drove me crazy is that while yes, it's great to be able to lift x amount of pounds off the ground (lifting weights at the gym), it's not so great that I can't support my own body weight by doing a push up! I love that I am working with my own body, focusing on form, and starting low and working my way into it.

I had also decided that in addition to doing 30 minutes of cardio 3 times a week, I was going to start walking again at work. I did that last summer - I would use my 30 minute lunch and go walk in our parking garage. That way, I felt better if I was not able to get to the gym because at least I had walked for 30 minutes that day. Plus, I felt extra great on the days I did get to the gym because I had gotten two workouts in. Then today - it dawned on me - STAIRS!!! I started taking the stairs at work a few months ago. I work on the ninth floor in our building - and I was lucky if I could breath after the 4th floor! I built myself up, and was able to make it all 9 flights of stairs, then it kinda fizzled out. I started taking the elevator again, not walking as much, not taking the stairs at all, etc. I decided I wanted to incorporate both back into my daily routine at work.

Well, this morning I was curious. I wondered how many calories I'd burn doing 30 minutes of the stairs, versus 30 minutes of walking. I was shocked. Literally shocked. By just walking at a moderate pace (3 mph), I would burn 216 calories in 30 minutes. If I used those same 30 minutes, and walked the stairs instead, 363 calories. In the same amount of time, and could burn almost 1 1/2 times the amount of calories! So guess what I'm doing??? STAIRS!!!

I am sure that I am going to have to build back up to where I was - so I am going to start today. I am going to go as long as I can, and then each day add to that time. For instance, If I can make it 10 minutes today, I'll shoot for 11 minutes tomorrow. If that is the pace I start at (10 minutes) than by April 30th, I will have built up to 30 minutes, just by adding 1 minute to my workout each day. Or if I can only do 10 minutes at a time, maybe I'll try doing 10 minutes 3 times a day! I'm pretty freaking excited about this. I'm excited for a new challenge, something different that is manageable. Plus, my ass is going to look fantastic. HA!!!

On another note, I woke up this morning feeling "skinny". These days a few and far between for me. I wanted to know if there was actually a difference between yesterday and today. Since tomorrow is weigh in day - I'm not going to give it away, but I saw something today that I am pretty freaking excited about - and I can't wait to tell you guys tomorrow!!!

FatGirl - OUT!!!