I'm a non-smoker?

Yes, you read that right ladies and gents - I have officially quit smoking. 

I think. 

I have been on Chantix for a little over two weeks now.  Today is my official quit day.  I have not had a cigarette since 11:30pm last night.  I've had a few cravings today - but so far, I've beaten them all.  In fact, I was/am so confident in myself, I didn't even bring cigarettes with me today.  I do have my e-cig with me, but I haven't used it.  I've held it - but haven't actually used it. 

I am scared.  I have been a smoker for 20 years - and only being 32, that's saying something.  I don't know who I am as a non-smoker.  I'm sure I'm the same person - maybe just not as smelly - but what if I'm not?  My husband is a smoker (and also plans to quit, but wanted to see if the Chantix worked for me).  Can I be successful while he is still smoking?  Will I think he smells bad?  Will it cause issues in our relationship? 

And oh my dear God - the weight gain.  One of my best friends just told me (literally, 5 minutes ago) that she gained 18 pounds when she quit.  Not to mention the fact that one of the reasons I haven't been posting a lot lately is that there is no news to report.  I'm not losing anything.  The last time I got on the scale I was still 226.  I measured myself today, and I'm still the same in all the places that matter (to me).  So if I'm eating right, working out, not losing weight, and quitting smoking.... 

I.  Can't.  Even. 

Just thinking about it is stressing me out, and making me want a cigarette.  I have Jolly Ranchers, Blow Pops, and gum.  And yes, I know the calorie count of each. 

I am freaking out.  Wish me luck. 

OH. MY. GOD.

I am an IDIOT. 

I have been wracking my brain for WEEKS now trying to figure out why I wasn’t losing weight.  I wasn’t gaining anything, I just wasn’t losing any either.  And it just hit me – not 5 minutes ago.  I figured it the fuck out. 

So yesterday after writing my post, I decided to hit the boards on MyFitnessPal to try to see if I could find any ideas.  While looking over some of the topics (I haven’t been on the boards in a LONG time, and they’re not the same anymore) I found some of the groups that I (used to) belong to.  One of them is the IPOARM – or In Place of a Road Map.  When I first started lifting weights, I was trying out the New Rules of Lifting for Women.  I asked for help on how to calculate calories, both on how much I should eat, and how much you burn, I was introduced to IPOARM.  This was how I figured out how to calculate my BMR, TDEE, deficit, etc. 

I was looking for a certain thread I remembered from EONS ago, and found the instruction page instead.  I read the whole thing, remembered I already knew how to do the calculations, and moved on.  I never found the original thread I was looking for, BTW.  So today, I go to a friend’s page on MFP to send her a message, and glanced at her listed of races she has competed in – JESUS CHRIST.  Below that, she listed her BMR, TDEE, etc.  And it clicked. 

When I began running 7 weeks ago – I had been calculating my calories based on a sedentary lifestyle.  I’m running 3-5 days a week – which is two levels up in the “Moderate” category.  Long story short – the number of calories I was using is ACTUALLY about 100 calories more than my current BMR.  On the days I thought I was taking an extra 100 or 200 calorie deficit, or not eating my exercise calories back – I was eating under my BMR.  Way under.  And don’t even talk about my TDEE.  I was off by about 600 calories. 

I have been STARVING MYSELF!! My body is holding on to all this fat and weight because I am quite literally starving myself!  I would drop a pound or two here or there, then within a few days, I was right back where I started.  I don’t know why I didn’t figure this out earlier.  I KNOW this stuff – which is why I am such a damn idiot.  It was right there in front of me the whole time. 

I am excited – because I finally feel like I have figured out what the issue was.  I may see a gain over the next few days/weeks, until my body realizes it doesn’t need to store it, that it can actually use it for fuel.  But I will take a temporary gain, if it means getting things moving in the right direction in the long run.  Patience is a virtue, right?

 

Struggle and Reward

Another week, and more frustration.  Neither the scale, nor the tape measure has moved.  I am at week 7 of C25k, and I was watching my calories and walking for a month before that.  Wanna know what 11 weeks has gotten me?  NOT A DAMN THING.  Weight-wise, anyway. 

 I want to continue running – even after the 5k here in a few weeks, strictly for the cardiovascular health, and because as sick as it is, I actually enjoy it.  But is that it?  Should I add something else?  Go back to Jillian Michaels, or Zumba or something?  I was at a breaking point last week – and while I still feel like I am teetering close to the edge, I am more in favor of continuing this time around.  Quitting has gotten me nowhere in the past.  I always end up back at the same damn spot.  And I’m tired.  I am literally exhausted from feeling this way.  It is mentally, emotionally, and physically draining.  Yet with every passing week with no changes, I get pulled just a few inches closer to the dark side. 

This morning, I got up and ran at 5:30am.  I was running in the dark, not a soul awake yet, and I was pushing myself – hard.  Last night, I was not very happy with my run, so I decided to repeat the workout, and see if I could beat my own split pace.  I was about ½ mile in, and a quote I read recently came to mind.  Madie’s soccer coach sent it out to us to share with the girls.  It was written in a note from a coach to a player.   The coach had observed the player training by herself early one morning.  As he watched, she pushed herself through sprint after sprint, falling to the ground and gasping for breath.  He said “The true vision of a champion is someone bent over, drenched in sweat, at the point of exhaustion, when no one else it watching”.  The coach was 22 time National Champion University of North Carolina head coach, Anson Dorrance.  The player was Mia Hamm.

I felt like a champion while training this morning.  And I felt like a failure as soon as I stepped on the scale.  It feels good to work hard, to push your mind and your body past it’s limits.  But just like anything else in this world, it is hard to continue to work hard and push yourself when there is no reward. 

 

Imma need that reward soon. 

 

 

The Struggle is Real

Well, tonight is the dreaded W5D3 workout of C25k - the 20 minute run.  I KNOW in my head that it is all in my head.  It's a mental block.  I've done fine with the 5 and 8 minute runs – but 20 minutes sounds daunting.  It sounds insane, impossible, but I will do my best.  The only thing I can do is my best.  I’ll run till my lungs or legs give out. 

I’m still not really losing weight.  My body is changing – but not that much.  I’ve lost some inches here and there, but nothing that requires new clothes yet.  I’m still in the same pair of jeans, and still wearing the same size tops.  It’s extremely frustrating.  This has been 3 months now I’ve been at this – and I’ve lost about 4 pounds – and that’s just been in the last two weeks.  I keep waiting for the scale to move, for the measuring tape to move, for someone to say they have noticed, but it’s not happening. 

This is the timeframe that scares me.  This is the point where I begin to feel like I’m not supposed to weigh any less – that this is where I am supposed to be.  This is the point that I feel like giving up, and just going back to watching TV and eating chips.  My motivation is slowly waning away.  I need something that will keep me moving – keep me running – keep me eating right.  This is the point where I decide who I am, and what I want.  Will I choose the path I’ve chosen every other time, and give up?  Or will this be the time that I don’t give up?  Will I continue?  Will I finally reach my goals?

I hope so – but I’m struggling. 

 

 

The Hiatus is over

Wow - Two years since I've posted.  I'm sure everybody has forgotten about this by now, but I'm still here - and still struggling. 

My current weight is 226.4 - which is about 20 pounds heavier than I was in my last post - when I apparently freaked the fuck out (I'll blame it on Wedding stress - LOL).  I am at 42.5% body fat.  I have been back at it for about a month now, and I haven't lost much.  I am *hoping* that my body is just adjusting to the changes I am making. 

I am drinking about a gallon of water a day.  I am trying to get in about 1740 calories each day (plus eating back my exercise calories).  I joined the Wellness Committee at work, and started a C25K running group.  I have about 12 members now, and we just started week 1 this past Monday.  We will be running in a 5K at the end of August.  After that, I hope to continue to train (I downloaded the C210K app) and eventually run my first 10K this year.  I have been walking on my lunch breaks at work, and a few nights a week with the dogs.  I have done Yoga on my off days this week, and am doing a push-up/squat challenge each day.

On top of it, I am gradually trying to quit smoking - so that should be fun. 

I keep telling myself that this is it.  This is going to be the time that I am successful.  This is the time I will wear a Bikini and be proud of it.  This is the time that I will make changes that will last a lifetime, and not a summer.  I just need to take it one day, one run, one meal, one pound at a time.  I CAN do this. 

Right?  Right. 

Something's gotta give.

I had a great weekend. I really did. And then it all went to hell about 5:00 last night. Matt and I were on the way to Lil' Miss's soccer game. We were chatting in the car, and he asked if I was ready to be in a bathing suit in 6 weeks. The first week in June we are taking our annual friends trip to the lake. Obviously, I'm not ready - but what choice to I have? This is always a really hard weekend for me because all of my girlfriends (that are going on this trip) weigh about 90 pounds soaking wet. So, I think to myself - I'm obviously not going to be able to get to the "final" goal by then, but I can certainly step it up a bit.

I decided while we were at the game that come hell or high water, I was going to set up my home gym when I got home last night. I didn't have long before the kids would be home, so I would have to work quickly. As soon as I got home, I went straight to the basement. I quickly began moving this and that, shoving shit in corners and to the other side of the basement. Within a few minutes I had a large enough spot cleared off. I swept. I wiped down my "new" furniture. I set the TV up. I ran upstairs and got my DVD player. While Matt took care of all the wires and settings and stuff - I ran upstairs and started collecting all my workout stuff from various rooms of the house. DVDS. Weights. Yoga mat. Swiss ball thingy. Foam roller. OOOOhhhh - a desk fan!

I was so excited. I carried all the shit to the basement, turned the corner, and found Matt staring at me. It wasn't a good stare. "SPEAK! What's wrong!?!?" My DVD player is not working. It won't play. It wont even try to load the disk. It won't eject the disk inside. NOTHING. NO RESPONSE. The VCR side of the player works just fine. PERFECT. BECAUSE I DON'T OWN ONE FUCKING VHS TAPE!!! I was livid. I was sad. I was disappointed. The damn thing worked fine TWO DAYS AGO!!! What happened?!?! So now, I have my workout room. I just can't fucking use it.

Yes I can buy a new DVD player, and in fact, I already have (I pick it up today al Walmart) - but that's not the point. It's just my luck. Free TV? Free TV stand? Finally getting your workout room? NOPE. Nice fucking try. Now you have to go spend $50 dollars on a damn DVD player. Which I followed up with emotional eating - of tacos and nachos and a burrito and a Mt. Dew and fudge-cicles. At 10:00 at night.

My amazing mood carried over into this morning. My workout alarm goes off at 4:45am. What did I do? I turned that annoying thing off and went back to bed. That's right. Because I can't do my DVD. When I finally did get up for work at 5:30 - I was pissed at myself. I should have gotten up. I should have done something else - walked, run, something! When I got to work - I have my calendar staring at me. 117 days until the wedding. I get on the scale. 223.0 pounds. Next came a trail of obscenities that was a little much for even my foul mouth. I go back to the calendar. 17 weeks to the wedding. Even if I lose 2 pounds a week (34 pounds) that only puts me at 189. That's 25 pounds HEAVIER than I wanted to be. And that's IF I can lose 2 pounds a week. In the last 11 weeks I only lost 5 pounds .

This seems like an impossible feat. I feel defeated - I feel like giving up. But I know that giving up only guarantees one thing - that I will be just as fat, just as insecure - if not more so - when the day finally arrives. Obviously what I'm doing isn't working. Changes have to be made. So I go back to the basics. How does someone lose weight? By creating a calorie deficit. To lose 2 pounds per week, I need a 7000 calorie deficit per week, or 1000 calories per day. That puts me at 1260 calories per day. I need to NET that number - which means eating my exercise calories back.

And I'm sure every person I know is going to jump my shit for this - for cutting my calories the way that I am - but I have to do something. I'm giving it a shot. I gave everything else a shot. I tried the whole EMTWL or IPOARM thing for MONTHS - and this - where I am now - is a direct result of that. Yes - some things are smaller. I've lost a whopping 5 pounds. But I am still in the same clothes. I still have the same reflection in the mirror. I still have the same self hate and insecurities. I don't feel more energetic - in fact, I feel more depressed because I've tried so hard with no results.

So - I updated MFP. I changed my weight-loss ticker to start over. I haven't lost 68 pounds. I've lost 5. I updated my calories. And I bought a DVD player that will be ready for pickup by the time I get home from work. I joined a 30 day shred group today - all starting today - so I'm starting over. Plus, I'll be doing another challenge for May (same one as April). I created a page-a-day calendar for my workouts that tells me what all I have to do that day, and how many days until the wedding that I can hang up in my workout room.

I am sick and tired of hating myself and my body. I am sick of thinking to myself that Matt is lying to me when he tells me that I'm beautiful - or that this is the best I've ever looked. I want to see what everyone else sees. I want to change my own self perception. And in order for me to do that - I have to see that number on the scale change. I can't live like this anymore. I can't continue to be depressed and angry and on edge all the time. Something's gotta give.

FatGirl

Weekly AND Monthly Weigh-in Day!!!

It's Wednesday, and it's the first, so we get two for one with today's weigh in! Progress is progress, right? While I am not so happy about the actual number in pounds - I will be curious to see what next week brings.

Today, I weighed in at 221.0, but TOM is here. If history has anything to say about it, I am holding 5-6 pounds of water weight. As much as it sucks, I know I'm not getting a true reading of my weight on the scale today. I am actually showing a 1.4 pound GAIN.  BOO.  Trying to stay positive, I decided to check out my monthly measurements.  In the last month, I have lost a total of 5.5 inches, 1.4% body fat, 3.6 pounds of fat, and gained 5 pounds of lean mass. Again, the number is not where I want it, but considering the time of the month, and the other improvements I've made, I'll take it.

Then I decided to take it one step further.  I wonder what my results since the beginning are?!?  So I head back to my February 18th on my handy-dandy FatGirl weightloss tracker version 2.0.  I was surprised and impressed with myself.  Even if the number on the scale hasn't moved that much in a little over 2 months, I personally think the rest of the results are astounding.  6.6 pounds lost, 28.75 inches, 8.3% body fat, 22.3 pounds of fat mass, and a gain of 15.7 pounds of lean mass!  I will post the actual breakdown at the end of this post. 

I know that my body is changing.  Other people have started to comment on it, especially Matt.  And especially when I'm naked.  LOL  I don't really feel that different, or feel that I look that different, but I'm sure that will come eventually. 

In the meantime, Sunday, I started Day ONE of Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred in my new workout room in the basement.  Sunday began the countdown... 30 days to Memorial Day.  30 days to bathing suit season.  30 days until summer dresses, and shorts, and other clothes that don't cover fat well.  It's time to get down and get serious.  I have not missed a day.  I am going to spend 10 days at each level, upped my protein intake, and took before pictures.  I will use todays weigh in and measurements for my starting measurements, even though I am a few days late.   I am actually really excited to see what this month brings for me!

	Feb. 18th	Today!!!!	Results
Weight	227.6	221.0	-6.6
Neck	15	14.0	-1.0
Chest	43.5	43.5	-
Waist	39	34.0	-5.0
Abdomen (belly button)	45.0	37.5	-7.5
Hips	49.5	45.0	-4.5
Right Thigh	25.25	22.75	-2.5
Left Thigh	25.25	22.75	-2.5
Right Calf	17.5	15.5	-2.0
Left Calf	17.5	15.5	-2.0
Right Arm	12.0	11.5	-0.5
Left Arm	12.0	11.5	-0.5
Wrist	6.0	6.0	-
Forearm	9.75	9.0	.75
Body Fat %	46%	37.7%	-8.3%
Lean Body Mass	123.0	138.7	+15.7
Fat Body Mass	104.6	82.3	-22.3