Not again...

It’s been a while again.  I have been having some health issues lately.  My migraines have been out of control.  I have been in bed for weeks at a time, have tried more medications than I can count, have been through countless tests – and my head still hurts.  One of the biggest things that they have done is changed my birth control multiple times because the hormones trigger severe migraines.  So I had one last stop before the IUD or getting my tubes tied – to the depo shot. It is well documented that one of the main side effects of the shot is weight gain.  OF COURSE this would hit me.  I don’t know the exact number, because I haven’t been back to the OBGYN, but based on the number at the Family Doc last week, I’m guessing I’ve put on about 20 pounds in about 6 weeks.  On November 24^th, I weighed in at my heaviest in YEARS – 244.  I haven’t had a period in a while, and probably won’t because of the shot.  I was on crazy meds because of the migraines. So I don’t know if I was holding water because of one or both, or if it’s all from the shot, but I was devastated.  244 pounds.  How did I let it get to this again? 

 

I have got to be realistic.  Now is the time of year when I am the worst.  I suffer from seasonal depression.  I want to crawl in a hole and come out in April.  I don’t want to do anything other than lay on the couch under a blanket.  I can’t set myself up to fail – again.  I can’t say I’m going to work out 5 days a week when I know I’m not going to, so I want to start with small goals.  Drink more water.  Walk 15 minutes a day.  Something.  Anything.  I just can’t.  I won’t.  I won’t start out 2016 over 240 pounds.  I won’t.  Today, didn’t wake up with a headache, and I brought my water.  Today, I will meet my water goals, and walk for 15 minutes.  Today, I will start again.    

I'm a non-smoker?

Yes, you read that right ladies and gents - I have officially quit smoking. 

I think. 

I have been on Chantix for a little over two weeks now.  Today is my official quit day.  I have not had a cigarette since 11:30pm last night.  I've had a few cravings today - but so far, I've beaten them all.  In fact, I was/am so confident in myself, I didn't even bring cigarettes with me today.  I do have my e-cig with me, but I haven't used it.  I've held it - but haven't actually used it. 

I am scared.  I have been a smoker for 20 years - and only being 32, that's saying something.  I don't know who I am as a non-smoker.  I'm sure I'm the same person - maybe just not as smelly - but what if I'm not?  My husband is a smoker (and also plans to quit, but wanted to see if the Chantix worked for me).  Can I be successful while he is still smoking?  Will I think he smells bad?  Will it cause issues in our relationship? 

And oh my dear God - the weight gain.  One of my best friends just told me (literally, 5 minutes ago) that she gained 18 pounds when she quit.  Not to mention the fact that one of the reasons I haven't been posting a lot lately is that there is no news to report.  I'm not losing anything.  The last time I got on the scale I was still 226.  I measured myself today, and I'm still the same in all the places that matter (to me).  So if I'm eating right, working out, not losing weight, and quitting smoking.... 

I.  Can't.  Even. 

Just thinking about it is stressing me out, and making me want a cigarette.  I have Jolly Ranchers, Blow Pops, and gum.  And yes, I know the calorie count of each. 

I am freaking out.  Wish me luck. 

OH. MY. GOD.

I am an IDIOT. 

I have been wracking my brain for WEEKS now trying to figure out why I wasn’t losing weight.  I wasn’t gaining anything, I just wasn’t losing any either.  And it just hit me – not 5 minutes ago.  I figured it the fuck out. 

So yesterday after writing my post, I decided to hit the boards on MyFitnessPal to try to see if I could find any ideas.  While looking over some of the topics (I haven’t been on the boards in a LONG time, and they’re not the same anymore) I found some of the groups that I (used to) belong to.  One of them is the IPOARM – or In Place of a Road Map.  When I first started lifting weights, I was trying out the New Rules of Lifting for Women.  I asked for help on how to calculate calories, both on how much I should eat, and how much you burn, I was introduced to IPOARM.  This was how I figured out how to calculate my BMR, TDEE, deficit, etc. 

I was looking for a certain thread I remembered from EONS ago, and found the instruction page instead.  I read the whole thing, remembered I already knew how to do the calculations, and moved on.  I never found the original thread I was looking for, BTW.  So today, I go to a friend’s page on MFP to send her a message, and glanced at her listed of races she has competed in – JESUS CHRIST.  Below that, she listed her BMR, TDEE, etc.  And it clicked. 

When I began running 7 weeks ago – I had been calculating my calories based on a sedentary lifestyle.  I’m running 3-5 days a week – which is two levels up in the “Moderate” category.  Long story short – the number of calories I was using is ACTUALLY about 100 calories more than my current BMR.  On the days I thought I was taking an extra 100 or 200 calorie deficit, or not eating my exercise calories back – I was eating under my BMR.  Way under.  And don’t even talk about my TDEE.  I was off by about 600 calories. 

I have been STARVING MYSELF!! My body is holding on to all this fat and weight because I am quite literally starving myself!  I would drop a pound or two here or there, then within a few days, I was right back where I started.  I don’t know why I didn’t figure this out earlier.  I KNOW this stuff – which is why I am such a damn idiot.  It was right there in front of me the whole time. 

I am excited – because I finally feel like I have figured out what the issue was.  I may see a gain over the next few days/weeks, until my body realizes it doesn’t need to store it, that it can actually use it for fuel.  But I will take a temporary gain, if it means getting things moving in the right direction in the long run.  Patience is a virtue, right?

 

Struggle and Reward

Another week, and more frustration.  Neither the scale, nor the tape measure has moved.  I am at week 7 of C25k, and I was watching my calories and walking for a month before that.  Wanna know what 11 weeks has gotten me?  NOT A DAMN THING.  Weight-wise, anyway. 

 I want to continue running – even after the 5k here in a few weeks, strictly for the cardiovascular health, and because as sick as it is, I actually enjoy it.  But is that it?  Should I add something else?  Go back to Jillian Michaels, or Zumba or something?  I was at a breaking point last week – and while I still feel like I am teetering close to the edge, I am more in favor of continuing this time around.  Quitting has gotten me nowhere in the past.  I always end up back at the same damn spot.  And I’m tired.  I am literally exhausted from feeling this way.  It is mentally, emotionally, and physically draining.  Yet with every passing week with no changes, I get pulled just a few inches closer to the dark side. 

This morning, I got up and ran at 5:30am.  I was running in the dark, not a soul awake yet, and I was pushing myself – hard.  Last night, I was not very happy with my run, so I decided to repeat the workout, and see if I could beat my own split pace.  I was about ½ mile in, and a quote I read recently came to mind.  Madie’s soccer coach sent it out to us to share with the girls.  It was written in a note from a coach to a player.   The coach had observed the player training by herself early one morning.  As he watched, she pushed herself through sprint after sprint, falling to the ground and gasping for breath.  He said “The true vision of a champion is someone bent over, drenched in sweat, at the point of exhaustion, when no one else it watching”.  The coach was 22 time National Champion University of North Carolina head coach, Anson Dorrance.  The player was Mia Hamm.

I felt like a champion while training this morning.  And I felt like a failure as soon as I stepped on the scale.  It feels good to work hard, to push your mind and your body past it’s limits.  But just like anything else in this world, it is hard to continue to work hard and push yourself when there is no reward. 

 

Imma need that reward soon. 

 

 

The Struggle is Real

Well, tonight is the dreaded W5D3 workout of C25k - the 20 minute run.  I KNOW in my head that it is all in my head.  It's a mental block.  I've done fine with the 5 and 8 minute runs – but 20 minutes sounds daunting.  It sounds insane, impossible, but I will do my best.  The only thing I can do is my best.  I’ll run till my lungs or legs give out. 

I’m still not really losing weight.  My body is changing – but not that much.  I’ve lost some inches here and there, but nothing that requires new clothes yet.  I’m still in the same pair of jeans, and still wearing the same size tops.  It’s extremely frustrating.  This has been 3 months now I’ve been at this – and I’ve lost about 4 pounds – and that’s just been in the last two weeks.  I keep waiting for the scale to move, for the measuring tape to move, for someone to say they have noticed, but it’s not happening. 

This is the timeframe that scares me.  This is the point where I begin to feel like I’m not supposed to weigh any less – that this is where I am supposed to be.  This is the point that I feel like giving up, and just going back to watching TV and eating chips.  My motivation is slowly waning away.  I need something that will keep me moving – keep me running – keep me eating right.  This is the point where I decide who I am, and what I want.  Will I choose the path I’ve chosen every other time, and give up?  Or will this be the time that I don’t give up?  Will I continue?  Will I finally reach my goals?

I hope so – but I’m struggling. 

 

 

The Hiatus is over

Wow - Two years since I've posted.  I'm sure everybody has forgotten about this by now, but I'm still here - and still struggling. 

My current weight is 226.4 - which is about 20 pounds heavier than I was in my last post - when I apparently freaked the fuck out (I'll blame it on Wedding stress - LOL).  I am at 42.5% body fat.  I have been back at it for about a month now, and I haven't lost much.  I am *hoping* that my body is just adjusting to the changes I am making. 

I am drinking about a gallon of water a day.  I am trying to get in about 1740 calories each day (plus eating back my exercise calories).  I joined the Wellness Committee at work, and started a C25K running group.  I have about 12 members now, and we just started week 1 this past Monday.  We will be running in a 5K at the end of August.  After that, I hope to continue to train (I downloaded the C210K app) and eventually run my first 10K this year.  I have been walking on my lunch breaks at work, and a few nights a week with the dogs.  I have done Yoga on my off days this week, and am doing a push-up/squat challenge each day.

On top of it, I am gradually trying to quit smoking - so that should be fun. 

I keep telling myself that this is it.  This is going to be the time that I am successful.  This is the time I will wear a Bikini and be proud of it.  This is the time that I will make changes that will last a lifetime, and not a summer.  I just need to take it one day, one run, one meal, one pound at a time.  I CAN do this. 

Right?  Right.