A Moment of Clarity

I woke up with an attitude today. 

It’s probably due to the lack of sleep last night.  I laid awake most of the night, fighting yet another migraine.  The pain was too intense to sleep.  I was already too far gone to take my actual migraine medicine.  It was too late to take pain medicine – I’d never be able to drive to work in the morning.  I replayed the weekend over and over in my head.  Having to leave Madie’s game early.  Having to sleep while we had Nate.  Missing my Uncle’s Surprise Birthday party.  Having to leave my in-laws early.  Not being able to go shopping.  Having to skip meals because I am nauseous.  Having to spend the only time I have seen my family in 6 months with my ears and eyes covered on the couch.  Matt told me this weekend that he has felt like a Single Dad the last month and a half.  And he’s right.  I have not been there for him, or for our family.  I have been paralyzed by whatever is going on in my head. 

Last night, my dad asked me how I was doing, and if the doctors were going to be able to fix me.  I sighed, and said “I guess so”.  He told me I didn’t sound very confident about that.  He was right.  I’m not confident.  In any of the doctors, or what they are telling me to do.  No one agrees on anything.  They don’t agree on the cause, they don’t agree on medications, and they don’t agree on a treatment plan.  So who am I supposed to listen to?  My family doctor that has no clue about anything?  Yeah, no.  I don’t think so.  The Chiropractor that says massaging my neck and cracking my back will do the trick?  I don’t know.  I saw the x-rays myself, and they do look pretty bad, but what in the hell do I know?  I do know it’s expensive.  $55 dollars a visit, 3 times a week.  For 6 weeks.  That’s $1000 I don’t have.  The neurologist wants me to have an MRI and an MRV done.  Those are two really expensive tests.  Do I really even need them?  I mean, my CT came back clear.  If there was something wrong, wouldn’t it have showed up on the CT scan?  Why do I need two more tests? 

So my mind started wandering off.  (I am going to write this next part the way my mind actually processed all of this last night…) Thinking.  Obsessing.  Wishing I had worked harder in school, so maybe I would have been a doctor, and I could diagnose myself.  I should have finished school anyway.  Damnnit.  But I’m not a doctor.  I’m just me.  And I want to be the old me.  I want to be the me I was a few months ago.  Driven.  Determined.  A good mom.  A fandamntastic wife that my hubby bragged about to his friends.  I’m not, and wasn’t perfect, by any means.  I like cleaning, but I hate cleaning, and having the house wrecked by everyone else, and everyone else waiting for me to clean up.  Then I show them by putting my foot down, and refusing to clean.  Eventually, someone will get sick of the mess and clean up, right?  Nope, that always backfires, and I end up having a whole mess of a house to clean.  I do despise doing laundry.  I HATE it.  And no one else will do it.  So it piles up, and laundry usually gets done when someone says, Um, I don’t have any clean shirts to wear.  I would rather spend my time with my family.  Playing outside.  Chit-chatting with our neighbors.  Gossiping with Matt’s mom.  Going to the gym.  Running with my dogs.  Living my hectic crazy life.    

I know I’m not perfect.  I’m not the perfect wife.  I’m not the perfect (step)mom.  I’m not the perfect employee, or friend, or maid or daughter or sister or anything.  And I am certainly NOT the perfect patient.  But things were pretty good before all this started – not that things are bad now.  I just feel absent in my own life.  What has changed so much between then, and now?

Well, let’s see here.  Before.  Before – I would get up at 5:00am, go to work, come home, workout, go get the kids, make dinner, go to practices or play outside, try to get the house straightened up, or some laundry done, get the kids to bed, spend some time with Matt, watch some tv, and be in bed by 12.  Sleep for 5 hours, rinse  and repeat.  Okay, maybe not enough sleep, but I was exercising every day, eating healthy at least 3 times every day, and still getting “life” things accomplished.  Weed the flower bed, take Madie to soccer, Nate to baseball, dogs to the vet, sweep the floor, fold the clothes that have been in the dryer for 3 days, etc.  I had a LIFE!!!

Now.  Now – I get up at 5, lay very still in my bed and wait to see if my head hurts.  I go to work, wear sunglasses most of the day, and I am still usually sick by lunch at the latest.  I dread my 50 minute drive home looking straight into the sun the whole way.  Then, depending on the day, I either go to an appointment, or go home.  Either way, by the time I get home, I am so sick – all I can do is take my medicines and lay down.  I sleep, usually until about 8 or so.  I get up, try to spend some time with the kids before they go to bed at 9.  By then it’s getting dark outside, the medicine has kicked in, and the symptoms have eased up a bit.  I will do a load of laundry, or try to clean my kitchen, or help Matt with our pool, eat something for the first time all day, and go to bed. 

So what’s the difference? Before I was active – at the time I thought I was lazy – but I see now I was ACTIVE as hell.  At least compared to my life now.  Okay – so I was active.  I ate breakfast, lunch, dinner, a snack or two – all healthy food.  Okay, for the most part.  Whatever.  I wasn’t on any kind of medication.  Just the pill.  Now, I sleep, take medicine, work, take more medicine, sleep more, and have a fucked up diet. 

Now, my non-doctor, I only finished half of college education tells me that there is a pattern here…  I was living a healthier lifestyle a month ago when everything was just fine.  I was active, and I was eating and sleeping normally.  Now, I am eating like shit, sleeping too much, and taking whatever poison a white coat with a rx pad gives me.  And I feel like shit.  ALL.  THE.  TIME. 

Now, maybe this is the drugs talking, or all the sleeping has messed with my head, but I have come to a conclusion. 

Fuck the doctors.  I’m not going back.   At least not for a week or two.  No more medicine.  No more visits.  No more MRIs or MRVs or blahblahblahs.  Let’s just give all the bullshit a break, and try to get back to being me.  I am giving my old routine a try.  I am going to force myself to eat, and eat healthful foods.  I am going to give the sunglasses a break at work, and see if my eyes can get used to the light again.  I am going to relieve some of this god-damnned stress and go for a run.  With my dogs.  I am going to come home tonight and cook and clean for my family.  I am going to swim in my pool with my kids and put them to bed exhausted tonight.  I am going to give my hubby some attention that is long overdue.  And then sink exhausted into my own bed, and do it again tomorrow.  And the day after that.  And the day after that.  And I am going to give my body some time to adjust to being the “old” me.  And if it doesn’t work, and I still have migraines in a week or two – then guess what?  I am no worse off than I am right now.  I will take my vitamins, and I will take my heart medication.  But the rest is being put away for a while.  I have put my life in their hands for long enough, and the only thing that has changed is the amount due in my medical bill file. 

It’s time to do me. 

And amazingly, the second I came to this conclusion, I fell immediately asleep.  I woke up rested, and refreshed, and fingers crossed – I have not had a headache today.  NOT EVEN A HEADACHE!!!  Not ONE migraine symptom.  I ate breakfast, and cancelled my doctor’s appointment.    

Today, my fellow fatties, is Day ONE of NOT having a Migraine.  J