I am so depressed. No, frustrated. No – Fuck. I don’t know what the hell I am. I just know it’s now how I want to be. It’s not how I want to feel. I don’t feel like myself, and it gets just a bit worse every day.
This last month and a half has taken such a toll on me, mentally, emotionally and physically. I have been having daily headaches since May 3rd. 44 damned days. Most days – it’s a full on Migraine, where I cannot function. I literally get home from work, crawl into the cave I call my bedroom, and hide there until dark. When I am conscious at home, I have to wear earplugs and sunglasses to keep the sounds and lights at bay. When I do feel good - I work so hard to catch up on everything else, that I work myself back into another headache. I am not 100% at work. I am not 100% at home. Hell, I don’t think I am even 50% at home. I am missing soccer and baseball games with my kids. I am missing quality time with my love. I am missing working in my yard, and cleaning my house, and swimming with my kids. I am missing out on a normal life. I feel useless. I feel worthless. I am irritable ALL THE DAMN TIME. I am going to be lucky if I’m not single by the end of this.
I have been to my family doctor multiple times. I have been going to the chiropractor. I went to the neurologist yesterday. They all have a different answer. I have tried multiple medications. Some work for a day or two, then we are right back to where we started. My family doctor is clueless. They literally told me they didn’t know what else they could do for me, prescribed me medication that I am allergic to, and gave me the wrong date for my neuro referral. The chiropractor says this is all from a car accident I was in two years ago. He says I injured my hip, and my spine and neck have been overcompensating ever since, causing pinched nerves, which in turn causes the headaches. I have gone to my appointments faithfully. The only change is now I have a migraine, AND my neck hurts. Now the neuro doc says yesterday that my heart rate is too high, put me on heart medication, has scheduled me for an MRI and MRV to make sure I don’t have a blood clot in my head or neck, and told me I was not allowed to take ANY kind of headache medicine more than 2 days a week. Not even Excedrin. Thanks, and I’ll see ya in two months. Thanks Dr. Chang. I’ll take my heart medicine. YOU take an English class.
I have slipped back into a horrible eating pattern that I have got to get a handle on. My medicines make me nauseous, so I don’t have an appetite. By the time I crawl out of my cave at 8-9 at night, I have not eaten a thing all day. So I eat whatever I want. Or nothing at all. I am not exercising because I’m not allowed to, which is not helping with the irritability. I haven’t gained anything, but I’m not losing anything either.
I’m not getting any better. I’m not getting any answers. I’m not getting any skinnier. The only thing I am getting is plenty of sleep, and a shitload of stress that I’m not allowed to burn off.
I am in SUCH a funk, I don’t know how to dig myself out.
Le Sigh.
Fatgirl.
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