The Fighter...

This was such an inspiration to me today.  I have been really down lately, as all of you know.  I can relate to a lot of these lyrics, and this was just what I needed to hear today.  I have posted the lyrics below for those who are curious, or you can just watch the video... 

Give 'em hell.

<3 - The Fat Girl




Just wakin up in the morning
And the beat well
Quite honest with ya,
I ain't really sleep well
Ya ever feel like your train a thoughts been derailed?
That's when you press on. Lee nails.

Half the population's just waitin to see me fail
Yeah right, you're better off tryina freeze hell
Some of us do it for the females
And others do it for the retails

But I do it for the kids, life through the tower head on
Everytime you fall its only making your chin strong
And I'll be in your corner like Mick baby, til the end
Or when you hear the song from that big lady

Bridge:
Until the referee rings the bell
Until both your eyes start to swell
Until the crowd goes home
What we gonna do ya'll?

Chorus (Ryan Tedder):
Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me
There goes a fighter, there goes a fighter
Here comes a fighter
That's what they'll say to me, say to me
Say to me, this one's a fighter

Verse 2:
And if I can last thirty rounds
There's no reason you should ever have your head down
Six foot five, two hundred and twenty pounds
Hailing from rock bottom, loserville, nothing town
Text book version of the kid going nowhere fast
(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/g/gym-class-heroes-lyrics/the-fighter-lyrics.html)
And now im yelling kiss my ass,
it's gonna take a couple right hooks a few left jabs
for you to recognize that you really aint got it bad

Bridge:
Until the referee rings the bell
Until both your eyes start to swell
Until the crowd goes home
What we gonna do ya'll?

Chorus (Ryan Tedder):
Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me
There goes a fighter, there goes a fighter
Here comes a fighter
That's what they'll say to me, say to me
Say to me, this one's a fighter

Everybody put yo hands up
What we gonna do? (x7) ya'll

If you fall pick yourself up off the floor (get up)
And when your bones can't take no more
Just remember what you're here for
Cuz I know imma damn sure

Give em hell, turn their heads
Gonna live life til we're dead.
Give me scars, give me pain
Then they'll say to me, say to me, say to me
There goes a fighter, there goes a fighter
Here comes a fighter
That's what they'll say to me, say to me
Say to me, this one's a fighter

Till the referee rings the bell
Till both ya eyes start to swell
Till the crowd goes home,
What we gonna do kid?

A Moment of Clarity

I woke up with an attitude today. 

It’s probably due to the lack of sleep last night.  I laid awake most of the night, fighting yet another migraine.  The pain was too intense to sleep.  I was already too far gone to take my actual migraine medicine.  It was too late to take pain medicine – I’d never be able to drive to work in the morning.  I replayed the weekend over and over in my head.  Having to leave Madie’s game early.  Having to sleep while we had Nate.  Missing my Uncle’s Surprise Birthday party.  Having to leave my in-laws early.  Not being able to go shopping.  Having to skip meals because I am nauseous.  Having to spend the only time I have seen my family in 6 months with my ears and eyes covered on the couch.  Matt told me this weekend that he has felt like a Single Dad the last month and a half.  And he’s right.  I have not been there for him, or for our family.  I have been paralyzed by whatever is going on in my head. 

Last night, my dad asked me how I was doing, and if the doctors were going to be able to fix me.  I sighed, and said “I guess so”.  He told me I didn’t sound very confident about that.  He was right.  I’m not confident.  In any of the doctors, or what they are telling me to do.  No one agrees on anything.  They don’t agree on the cause, they don’t agree on medications, and they don’t agree on a treatment plan.  So who am I supposed to listen to?  My family doctor that has no clue about anything?  Yeah, no.  I don’t think so.  The Chiropractor that says massaging my neck and cracking my back will do the trick?  I don’t know.  I saw the x-rays myself, and they do look pretty bad, but what in the hell do I know?  I do know it’s expensive.  $55 dollars a visit, 3 times a week.  For 6 weeks.  That’s $1000 I don’t have.  The neurologist wants me to have an MRI and an MRV done.  Those are two really expensive tests.  Do I really even need them?  I mean, my CT came back clear.  If there was something wrong, wouldn’t it have showed up on the CT scan?  Why do I need two more tests? 

So my mind started wandering off.  (I am going to write this next part the way my mind actually processed all of this last night…) Thinking.  Obsessing.  Wishing I had worked harder in school, so maybe I would have been a doctor, and I could diagnose myself.  I should have finished school anyway.  Damnnit.  But I’m not a doctor.  I’m just me.  And I want to be the old me.  I want to be the me I was a few months ago.  Driven.  Determined.  A good mom.  A fandamntastic wife that my hubby bragged about to his friends.  I’m not, and wasn’t perfect, by any means.  I like cleaning, but I hate cleaning, and having the house wrecked by everyone else, and everyone else waiting for me to clean up.  Then I show them by putting my foot down, and refusing to clean.  Eventually, someone will get sick of the mess and clean up, right?  Nope, that always backfires, and I end up having a whole mess of a house to clean.  I do despise doing laundry.  I HATE it.  And no one else will do it.  So it piles up, and laundry usually gets done when someone says, Um, I don’t have any clean shirts to wear.  I would rather spend my time with my family.  Playing outside.  Chit-chatting with our neighbors.  Gossiping with Matt’s mom.  Going to the gym.  Running with my dogs.  Living my hectic crazy life.    

I know I’m not perfect.  I’m not the perfect wife.  I’m not the perfect (step)mom.  I’m not the perfect employee, or friend, or maid or daughter or sister or anything.  And I am certainly NOT the perfect patient.  But things were pretty good before all this started – not that things are bad now.  I just feel absent in my own life.  What has changed so much between then, and now?

Well, let’s see here.  Before.  Before – I would get up at 5:00am, go to work, come home, workout, go get the kids, make dinner, go to practices or play outside, try to get the house straightened up, or some laundry done, get the kids to bed, spend some time with Matt, watch some tv, and be in bed by 12.  Sleep for 5 hours, rinse  and repeat.  Okay, maybe not enough sleep, but I was exercising every day, eating healthy at least 3 times every day, and still getting “life” things accomplished.  Weed the flower bed, take Madie to soccer, Nate to baseball, dogs to the vet, sweep the floor, fold the clothes that have been in the dryer for 3 days, etc.  I had a LIFE!!!

Now.  Now – I get up at 5, lay very still in my bed and wait to see if my head hurts.  I go to work, wear sunglasses most of the day, and I am still usually sick by lunch at the latest.  I dread my 50 minute drive home looking straight into the sun the whole way.  Then, depending on the day, I either go to an appointment, or go home.  Either way, by the time I get home, I am so sick – all I can do is take my medicines and lay down.  I sleep, usually until about 8 or so.  I get up, try to spend some time with the kids before they go to bed at 9.  By then it’s getting dark outside, the medicine has kicked in, and the symptoms have eased up a bit.  I will do a load of laundry, or try to clean my kitchen, or help Matt with our pool, eat something for the first time all day, and go to bed. 

So what’s the difference? Before I was active – at the time I thought I was lazy – but I see now I was ACTIVE as hell.  At least compared to my life now.  Okay – so I was active.  I ate breakfast, lunch, dinner, a snack or two – all healthy food.  Okay, for the most part.  Whatever.  I wasn’t on any kind of medication.  Just the pill.  Now, I sleep, take medicine, work, take more medicine, sleep more, and have a fucked up diet. 

Now, my non-doctor, I only finished half of college education tells me that there is a pattern here…  I was living a healthier lifestyle a month ago when everything was just fine.  I was active, and I was eating and sleeping normally.  Now, I am eating like shit, sleeping too much, and taking whatever poison a white coat with a rx pad gives me.  And I feel like shit.  ALL.  THE.  TIME. 

Now, maybe this is the drugs talking, or all the sleeping has messed with my head, but I have come to a conclusion. 

Fuck the doctors.  I’m not going back.   At least not for a week or two.  No more medicine.  No more visits.  No more MRIs or MRVs or blahblahblahs.  Let’s just give all the bullshit a break, and try to get back to being me.  I am giving my old routine a try.  I am going to force myself to eat, and eat healthful foods.  I am going to give the sunglasses a break at work, and see if my eyes can get used to the light again.  I am going to relieve some of this god-damnned stress and go for a run.  With my dogs.  I am going to come home tonight and cook and clean for my family.  I am going to swim in my pool with my kids and put them to bed exhausted tonight.  I am going to give my hubby some attention that is long overdue.  And then sink exhausted into my own bed, and do it again tomorrow.  And the day after that.  And the day after that.  And I am going to give my body some time to adjust to being the “old” me.  And if it doesn’t work, and I still have migraines in a week or two – then guess what?  I am no worse off than I am right now.  I will take my vitamins, and I will take my heart medication.  But the rest is being put away for a while.  I have put my life in their hands for long enough, and the only thing that has changed is the amount due in my medical bill file. 

It’s time to do me. 

And amazingly, the second I came to this conclusion, I fell immediately asleep.  I woke up rested, and refreshed, and fingers crossed – I have not had a headache today.  NOT EVEN A HEADACHE!!!  Not ONE migraine symptom.  I ate breakfast, and cancelled my doctor’s appointment.    

Today, my fellow fatties, is Day ONE of NOT having a Migraine.  J

Le Sigh...

I am so depressed.  No, frustrated.  No – Fuck.  I don’t know what the hell I am.  I just know it’s now how I want to be.  It’s not how I want to feel.  I don’t feel like myself, and it gets just a bit worse every day. 

This last month and a half has taken such a toll on me, mentally, emotionally and physically.  I have been having daily headaches since May 3^rd.  44 damned days.  Most days – it’s a full on Migraine, where I cannot function.  I literally get home from work, crawl into the cave I call my bedroom, and hide there until dark.  When I am conscious at home, I have to wear earplugs and sunglasses to keep the sounds and lights at bay.  When I do feel good - I work so hard to catch up on everything else, that I work myself back into another headache.  I am not 100% at work.  I am not 100% at home.  Hell, I don’t think I am even 50% at home.  I am missing soccer and baseball games with my kids.  I am missing quality time with my love.  I am missing working in my yard, and cleaning my house, and swimming with my kids.  I am missing out on a normal life.  I feel useless.  I feel worthless.  I am irritable ALL THE DAMN TIME.  I am going to be lucky if I’m not single by the end of this. 

I have been to my family doctor multiple times.  I have been going to the chiropractor.  I went to the neurologist yesterday.  They all have a different answer.  I have tried multiple medications.  Some work for a day or two, then we are right back to where we started.  My family doctor is clueless.  They literally told me they didn’t know what else they could do for me, prescribed me medication that I am allergic to, and gave me the wrong date for my neuro referral.  The chiropractor says this is all from a car accident I was in two years ago.  He says I injured my hip, and my spine and neck have been overcompensating ever since, causing pinched nerves, which in turn causes the headaches.  I have gone to my appointments faithfully.  The only change is now I have a migraine, AND my neck hurts.  Now the neuro doc says yesterday that my heart rate is too high, put me on heart medication, has scheduled me for an MRI and MRV to make sure I don’t have a blood clot in my head or neck, and told me I was not allowed to take ANY kind of headache medicine more than 2 days a week.  Not even Excedrin.    Thanks, and I’ll see ya in two months.  Thanks Dr. Chang.  I’ll take my heart medicine.  YOU take an English class. 

I have slipped back into a horrible eating pattern that I have got to get a handle on.  My medicines make me nauseous, so I don’t have an appetite.  By the time I crawl out of my cave at 8-9 at night, I have not eaten a thing all day.  So I eat whatever I want.  Or nothing at all.  I am not exercising because I’m not allowed to, which is not helping with the irritability.  I haven’t gained anything, but I’m not losing anything either. 

I’m not getting any better.  I’m not getting any answers.  I’m not getting any skinnier.  The only thing I am getting is plenty of sleep, and a shitload of stress that I’m not allowed to burn off. 

I am in SUCH a funk, I don’t know how to dig myself out. 

Le Sigh. 

Fatgirl. 

Can someone pull this machete out of my head?

Day 28. 

TWENTY. 

EIGHT. 

DAYS. 

How can someone have a migraine for 28 days, you ask?  Good question.  The doctors don't seem to know the answer either.  I finally went to the Chiropractor yesterday to see if they had any insight.  Of course they found something wrong.  Something is wrong with my neck, on the left side, at the base of my skull.  But they aren't positive what it is, and I won't get the results of the EMG or the X-Rays until tomorrow.  In the mean-time, they started me on massage therapy, shot me with a laser, stuck needles in my neck, and called it accupuncture (more like fucking torture), and then wrapped tape around my neck and shoulders and sent me home. 

Guess what?

Now, I have a migraine, AND my neck hurts. 

All I know is, I have 165 days until I leave for my cruise, and 50-60 pounds that I want to lose before I go.  I would have to lose 2 pounds a week STARTING now to lose 50 pounds by the time we set sail. 

I am >thisclose< to saying FUCK the doctors orders - and going running tonight.  And everyday for the next 165 days. 


Oh, and this is my new profile picture everywhere.  This is how I feel 98% of the time. 

Hey Fat Girl.....

Hey.  Fat Girl.

Yes, you. The one pretending to not see me when we cross paths on the running track. The one not even wearing sports gear, breathing heavy. You’re slow, you breathe hard and your efforts at moving forward make you cringe.

You cling shyly to the furthest corridor, sometimes making larger loops on the gravel ring by the track just so you’re not on it. You sweat so much that your hair is all wet. You rarely stay for more than 20 minutes at a time, and you look exhausted when you leave to go back home. You never talk to anyone. I’ve got something I’d like to say to you.

You are awesome.

If you’d look me in the eye only for an instant, you would notice the reverence and respect I have for you. The adventure you have started is tremendous; it leads to a better health, to renewed confidence and to a brand new kind of freedom. The gifts you will receive from running will far exceed the gigantic effort it takes you to show up here, to face your fears and to bravely set yourself in motion, in front of others.

You have already begun your transformation. You no longer accept this physical state of numbness and passivity. You have taken a difficult decision, but one that holds so much promise. Every hard breath you take is actually a tad easier than the one before, and every step is ever so slightly lighter. Each push forward leaves the former person you were in your wake, creating room for an improved version, one that is stronger, healthier and forward-looking, one who knows that anything is possible.

You’re a hero to me. And, if you’d take off the blaring headphones and put your head up for more than a second or two, you would notice that the other runners you cross, the ones that probably make you feel so inadequate, stare in awe at your determination. They, of all people, know best where you are coming from. They heard the resolutions of so many others, who vowed to pick up running and improve their health, “starting next week”. Yet, it is YOU who runs alongside, who digs from deep inside to find the strength to come here, and to come back again.

You are a runner, and no one can take that away from you. You are relentlessly moving forward. You are stronger than even you think, and you are about to be amazed by what you can do. One day, very soon, maybe tomorrow, you’ll step outside and marvel at your capabilities. You will not believe your own body, you will realize that you can do this. And a new horizon will open up for you. You are a true inspiration.

I bow to you.

I stole this from another blog, but it's amazing, and I wanted to keep a copy of it. 

That being said - I really don't have an update.  I am on Day 25 of my Migraine.  I have been ordered by my doctors to do absolutely no strenous exercise untill I have been cleared by the Neurologist.  The problem is, I don't see the Neuro Doc for another two weeks. 

In the meantime, I have bumped my calories back down to a deficit so that I can try to savor what I have already lost, instead of gaining it all back.  So far, so good.  I jumped on the scale yesterday (with Today being June first and all), and I was 212.8.  No gain, so that is good.  I thought I would be at 190 by this point, so I do have some catch up to play once I am cleared by the doctors.  I am overwhelmingly frustrated with all things Health related.  My head, my weight, my freaking medications that they can't seem to figure out.  I am missing out on so much - it's driving me crazy.  Literally.  And I have been pretty irritable lately too.  I probably won't post again until I get news from the Neurologist.  That is, unless you guys want me to post everyday that I have a headache, I went to work, I was nauseous - so I didn't eat, I took migraine medicine that is not working when I got home, and then went to bed.  Because that's been my status update every day for the last 25 days.... 

Yeah, that's what I thought.   

Fat Girl - OUT!