OH. MY. GOD.

I am an IDIOT. 

I have been wracking my brain for WEEKS now trying to figure out why I wasn’t losing weight.  I wasn’t gaining anything, I just wasn’t losing any either.  And it just hit me – not 5 minutes ago.  I figured it the fuck out. 

So yesterday after writing my post, I decided to hit the boards on MyFitnessPal to try to see if I could find any ideas.  While looking over some of the topics (I haven’t been on the boards in a LONG time, and they’re not the same anymore) I found some of the groups that I (used to) belong to.  One of them is the IPOARM – or In Place of a Road Map.  When I first started lifting weights, I was trying out the New Rules of Lifting for Women.  I asked for help on how to calculate calories, both on how much I should eat, and how much you burn, I was introduced to IPOARM.  This was how I figured out how to calculate my BMR, TDEE, deficit, etc. 

I was looking for a certain thread I remembered from EONS ago, and found the instruction page instead.  I read the whole thing, remembered I already knew how to do the calculations, and moved on.  I never found the original thread I was looking for, BTW.  So today, I go to a friend’s page on MFP to send her a message, and glanced at her listed of races she has competed in – JESUS CHRIST.  Below that, she listed her BMR, TDEE, etc.  And it clicked. 

When I began running 7 weeks ago – I had been calculating my calories based on a sedentary lifestyle.  I’m running 3-5 days a week – which is two levels up in the “Moderate” category.  Long story short – the number of calories I was using is ACTUALLY about 100 calories more than my current BMR.  On the days I thought I was taking an extra 100 or 200 calorie deficit, or not eating my exercise calories back – I was eating under my BMR.  Way under.  And don’t even talk about my TDEE.  I was off by about 600 calories. 

I have been STARVING MYSELF!! My body is holding on to all this fat and weight because I am quite literally starving myself!  I would drop a pound or two here or there, then within a few days, I was right back where I started.  I don’t know why I didn’t figure this out earlier.  I KNOW this stuff – which is why I am such a damn idiot.  It was right there in front of me the whole time. 

I am excited – because I finally feel like I have figured out what the issue was.  I may see a gain over the next few days/weeks, until my body realizes it doesn’t need to store it, that it can actually use it for fuel.  But I will take a temporary gain, if it means getting things moving in the right direction in the long run.  Patience is a virtue, right?

 

Struggle and Reward

Another week, and more frustration.  Neither the scale, nor the tape measure has moved.  I am at week 7 of C25k, and I was watching my calories and walking for a month before that.  Wanna know what 11 weeks has gotten me?  NOT A DAMN THING.  Weight-wise, anyway. 

 I want to continue running – even after the 5k here in a few weeks, strictly for the cardiovascular health, and because as sick as it is, I actually enjoy it.  But is that it?  Should I add something else?  Go back to Jillian Michaels, or Zumba or something?  I was at a breaking point last week – and while I still feel like I am teetering close to the edge, I am more in favor of continuing this time around.  Quitting has gotten me nowhere in the past.  I always end up back at the same damn spot.  And I’m tired.  I am literally exhausted from feeling this way.  It is mentally, emotionally, and physically draining.  Yet with every passing week with no changes, I get pulled just a few inches closer to the dark side. 

This morning, I got up and ran at 5:30am.  I was running in the dark, not a soul awake yet, and I was pushing myself – hard.  Last night, I was not very happy with my run, so I decided to repeat the workout, and see if I could beat my own split pace.  I was about ½ mile in, and a quote I read recently came to mind.  Madie’s soccer coach sent it out to us to share with the girls.  It was written in a note from a coach to a player.   The coach had observed the player training by herself early one morning.  As he watched, she pushed herself through sprint after sprint, falling to the ground and gasping for breath.  He said “The true vision of a champion is someone bent over, drenched in sweat, at the point of exhaustion, when no one else it watching”.  The coach was 22 time National Champion University of North Carolina head coach, Anson Dorrance.  The player was Mia Hamm.

I felt like a champion while training this morning.  And I felt like a failure as soon as I stepped on the scale.  It feels good to work hard, to push your mind and your body past it’s limits.  But just like anything else in this world, it is hard to continue to work hard and push yourself when there is no reward. 

 

Imma need that reward soon. 

 

 

The Struggle is Real

Well, tonight is the dreaded W5D3 workout of C25k - the 20 minute run.  I KNOW in my head that it is all in my head.  It's a mental block.  I've done fine with the 5 and 8 minute runs – but 20 minutes sounds daunting.  It sounds insane, impossible, but I will do my best.  The only thing I can do is my best.  I’ll run till my lungs or legs give out. 

I’m still not really losing weight.  My body is changing – but not that much.  I’ve lost some inches here and there, but nothing that requires new clothes yet.  I’m still in the same pair of jeans, and still wearing the same size tops.  It’s extremely frustrating.  This has been 3 months now I’ve been at this – and I’ve lost about 4 pounds – and that’s just been in the last two weeks.  I keep waiting for the scale to move, for the measuring tape to move, for someone to say they have noticed, but it’s not happening. 

This is the timeframe that scares me.  This is the point where I begin to feel like I’m not supposed to weigh any less – that this is where I am supposed to be.  This is the point that I feel like giving up, and just going back to watching TV and eating chips.  My motivation is slowly waning away.  I need something that will keep me moving – keep me running – keep me eating right.  This is the point where I decide who I am, and what I want.  Will I choose the path I’ve chosen every other time, and give up?  Or will this be the time that I don’t give up?  Will I continue?  Will I finally reach my goals?

I hope so – but I’m struggling.