Tired of being disappointed

I am so fucking discouraged today.  Over the weekend Matt replaced the batteries in my scale.  I had been able to avoid it all weekend, KNOWING damn good and well that It would have the same effect on me that it always does.  This morning, I couldn’t resist.  While I was getting ready for work, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  About 2 seconds later, I was stripped down and on the scale, waiting for the blinking to stop and the triumphant number to appeal.  I was waiting for something that would never come.  I was disgusted at the number that appeared.  217.  Really?  Fucking really?!?! 

I tried to talk myself down, realizing that I have been lifting (though, not in the last few days), and I changed my diet a few weeks ago.  I was trying to rationalize the disappointing number I had seen.  Once I got to work, it only got worse.  On my work computer is where I have the digital copies of all of my stats.  Weight tracking charts, measurements, Word documents on how to calculate everything.  So I pulled up my personal weight tracker, and it was enough to make me feel physically ill.  I weighed 223.8 on February 22.  That was Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent, the first day of my 46 Day Shred.  I weighed 217 today.  I’ve only lost 6 pounds?!?!  All of this work.  All of the sacrifice.  All of the time and effort spent calculating and planning and cooking and eating and working out – for nothing. 

Well, it seems like nothing to me.  Not when I was dropping 10 pounds a month just a few months ago.  My clothes still look awful.  I have not lost a pant or shirt size.  I don’t feel any better naked.  Matt has stopped complimenting me – and I am just 4 weeks away from getting into a swim suit for the first time this year.  I wanted to be under 200 pounds by then.  If I have only lost 6 pounds in the last two months – how in the fuck am I going to lose 17 by June 1^st? 

I don’t want to go back to starving myself.  I don’t want to do this the wrong way.  But I sure as fuck don’t want to sit at my desk and cry anymore.  So that leaves me stuck.  I don’t know what the fuck to do.  Right now, all I want to do is quit.  But I know that won’t solve anything – and I will be sitting here next month crying again.  I am tired of other’s success stories, when I don’t have one of my own to tell.  And while I am happy for my friends on MFP who are finding success on their journeys, I am jealous, and bitter and disgusted with myself.  I can’t even bring myself to comment on others success anymore because I am filled with anger. 

I know this mood won’t last forever, but today isn’t just a Monday.  It’s a Monday that has me SO down, I ACTUALLY want to give up.  I will be taking the batteries out of my scale.  And while that may keep me from crying over a number that I intelligently know is NOT a true or fair representation of my weight, it’s not going to change the image in the mirror, the notches on the measuring tape, or the way my clothes fit.    

My heart is telling me to quit.  My head is telling me that is a phase my body is going through and to go to the gym tonight.  Only time will tell which fat and cholesterol clogged body part will win. 

No, I'm not dead...

I know, I know.  It’s been a while.  I was OUT of commission all last week.  Monday night (going into Tuesday) I woke up with another damn kidney stone at 3 in the morning.  I had worked out Monday night, and thought for just a few hours that maybe, just maybe, I had pulled something in my back.  Of course, I’m not so lucky.  Nope, full blown stone.  And this time, it took me 6 DAMN DAYS to pass!  I didn’t get rid of it until Sunday night.  I was an absolutely awful week.  So needless to say, I didn’t get a whole lot (okay, ANY) exercise in.  Not to mention a NON balanced diet, as the only time I ate was when Matt force fed me at night after he found out I had not eaten anything all day.  And to top it all off, the batteries in my scale died, so I have NO idea how much I weigh right now. 

They do have scales at the gym, but I have decided to use this no digital scale thing to my advantage.  I decided that I am not going to weigh in again until Stage 1 of NROLFW is done.  Then I will weigh in, re-measure, take updated progress pictures, and fill all you fatties in on how AMAZING I am doing.  #crossesfingers  I refuse to be ecstatic one day, and then depressed the next based off of a few numbers….  I am so tired of the rollercoaster ride – so I’m putting a stop to it.  For 6 weeks, anyway. 

Due to my lack of activity last week, and figuring out I have some fantastically HORRIBLE form while squatting, I decided to start both the C25K and NROLFW programs from the beginning.  The countdown clock is running out – we are T- minus 6 months and however many days until I set sail on the first cruise of my life, and my first romantic vacation with the man of my dreams.  It’s time to get serious.  Well, I’ve been serious, but allowing myself *probably* more than I should….  And I am not stupid enough to say it’s not going to happen again.  I am more realistic than that.  But not eating last week let me think that I could eat all of my calories in one sitting at 10 at night.  Not quite sure why I thought that was okay.  Must have been the Percocet eating, and not me.  ;) I had the best of intentions Monday – but my weights fell to the wayside.  I skipped.  Tuesday, I decided to lift, and lift heavy.  Then I decided to run the C25K on the treadmill while I was there, since it was “running” night anyway.  Then Wednesday, I ran at home with Harley.  She quit before I did (#patsselfonback), but it was a LOT harder than running on the treadmill.  I figured out just how much harder yesterday morning.  I was in actual pain.  In my shoulders/arms/chest area, and then for some reason, my left calve muscle, and my right quadricep.  Oh my holy hell.  I asked about being sore vs. actual muscle fatigue yesterday, and got polar opposite answers.  By the time I got home from work, I wanted to go to the gym.  I went inside and got ready to go.  When I got back to the garage, Matt saw me stretching my legs out, and told me I needed to give it a rest.  And he was right. 

I had been fighting myself all day.  I knew I had over done it.  I knew that my body needed a break.  But I felt guilty about skipping another night after skipping Monday.  But just hearing him say it was enough to bring me back down to earth.  I had pushed and worked myself hard, and allowing myself to recover was earned!  And I feel great today!  I’m still a bit sore, but it’s the right *kind* of sore.  It’s not pain.  So It’s back to the gym tonight, and running with my dog tomorrow.  Woot woot!!!

Luckily, when I go to the gym tonight, I have my very own copy of NROLFW to take with me.  Oh no, it’s not what you think.  It’s my weekly dose of Karma.  I decided, that since I am so indecisive, I would borrow the book from the library, instead of purchasing my own copy.  That way, if I didn’t like it or it wasn’t working, I wasn’t stuck with a book I’d never read.  Well, I LOVE it.  So much that I decided to photocopy all of the pages I wanted.  Before I knew what had happened, I had probably copied 50% of the book.  I went home, got all the library books together from Madie and Nathan’s rooms, and stacked them all in the Kitchen.  We would return them the next night to the library.  Yeah. 

I wake up the next morning, and there, on my kitchen floor is the NROLFW book.  Along with entire stack of copies.  All over the place.  In a million pieces, with teeth marks, and English Mastiff drool.  Yep.  Lexi ATE the damn book.  She ate the cover, and I’d say about the first 20 pages of the book.  It was completely destroyed.  I was so pissed, until I realized I deserved it.  No, of course she wouldn’t eat a book that I actually own.  She is going to grab a LIBRARY book off of my kitchen counter and eat it.  Karma apparently disagrees with trying to get a free copy of a book.  So NOW, the Middletown Public Library has a BRAND NEW copy of NROLFW – and I have a half-eaten copy.  And you should have seen the lady at the library.  I walked in an told her I needed to replace the book – and when she asked why, before I could think of a better lie, I told her my dog ate it.  I felt like I was in third grade again with the look she gave me. 

And yes, this is my real life.  On a more serious note…

The longer I go through this process, the more I learn.  I learn more about myself, and my body every day.  I am learning more about fitness and nutrition every day.   And I am learning about humanity, directly through MFP (I have to say, I think I am MORE addicted to MFP than I am to Facebook).  Every day on that site I see the very best in complete strangers; Congratulating each other on small accomplishments, encouraging each other on “off” days, supporting each other through the “Oh my God, I’m a cow” days, teaching each other about being healthy - mentally, physically, and emotionally.

And then there are the ass-hats (one of my new favorite words, thank you MFP).  I got into a fight with some stranger the other day who was making fun of smokers that were trying to lose weight.  Others followed suit and just started saying some awful things.  Well, you kids know my red-headed temper.  I went the FUCK off.  In the process, I lost a few “Pals”.  But, more importantly, I met a whole lot of other new Pals.  And for some of those new pals – this is the very first FatGirl post they are reading.  So welcome, fellow fatties.  You have NO idea what you just signed up for….  MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. 

Okay, that was kinda gay.  Sorry.

<3, the FatGirl

1 Year, 30 DS results!!!!

I am not sure what happened with the measuring tape on Saturday, but something was off. 

Last night, I get home from work, and start to change into my workout gear.  Matt made some comment that reminded me – I never took the “after” pictures on Saturday.  I was still in my sports bra, so I went and grabbed the camera, and asked Matt to take the pictures for me just like he did last time.  Same outfit.  Same place.  Same lighting.  Same distance. 

HOLY.  SHIT. 

Granted, this is not the most dramatic transformation I have ever seen, but… it’s there.  I can see it from all three angles.  In my love handles in the first picture, to my belly in the second, and my back in the third.  I wish I would have done my arms differently in the “before” pictures, but hey.  You live and you learn.  I know better for next time.  So what did I do next, you ask?  I went and looked at the dreaded Easter pictures from last year, and compared them to the ones from this year. 

HOLY.  SHIT. 

THOSE pictures are where I really see it.  Especially in my face!  It has thinned out SO much.  You can see my teeth in the pictures from this year!  I never noticed I had gotten so heavy that my face hid my smile.  L  And I only have 3 chins, not 10. 

After seeing these pictures, I am extremely proud of myself and just how far I have come.  I can’t WAIT to see the “after” pictures from Stage 1 of NROLFW!  Plus, by then, I will be 6 weeks into the C25K program!  Ugghhhh!!!!  I really can’t wait.  :D 

Just one small update before you see the pics.   I missed my work out on Tuesday night, which should have been the first night of C25K.  I had some personal matters to attend to that were honestly, just a hell of a lot more important that lifting weights.  So last night, I go to the gym thinking I am just going to lift, and I will push the start date of C25K to – well, tonight.  Then I get to the gym, and realize, I have forgotten my book and my lifting log at home.  I knew that I was supposed to change something – the weight, or the reps – SOMETHING.  But I honestly couldn’t remember what exercises I was supposed to do, and how much, and how long.  So – I started C25K LAST night.

It.  Was.  Awesome.  J  I was so proud of myself.  Day 1 was a 5 minute warm up, intervals of 60 seconds running, then 90 seconds walking, for a total of 20 minutes, followed by the 5 minute cool down.  I walked at 3.2 mph on the treadmill, and ran at 4.9!  In 30 minutes, I completed 1.89 miles!  I felt comfortable, I never had to stop early, or slow down, and I could breathe!  I honestly (can’t believe I am saying this) can’t wait to go running tonight.  #FUCKINSTOKED!!!

Okay, okay…  the pictures…. I know.

First up, the before and after’s from the 30DS – Thank you Jillian.  J

And now, One Years progress – from Easter 2011, to Easter 2012.  Check out little miss Madie too!  Someone must be setting a good example for her…  ;)

Whattya think?!?!  :)

My head, or my scale?

I know it seems like I have fallen off the wagon – as I have not been posting here much.  Rest assured, Fat Girl followers, I am still here.  It just *feels* like I have fallen off the wagon.  This has not been a good week, week and a half.  Whatever. 

I had yet another sinus infection.  But – I didn’t go to the Dr. until FRIDAY – so I am STILL on antibiotics.  I am finally feeling a bit better though.  So – with being sick, I haven’t really eaten the way I have been.  Some days – I didn’t eat at all.  One night – I didn’t eat all day, and after 9 I felt a whole lot better, so I basically binged.   But I binged on healthy food.  I joined that damn gym.  I have been every other day – except for Friday.  I went Saturday instead.  I was feeling pretty good about the weigh in Saturday. 

Now – before I expose the dirty, awful results for what they are – let me explain a bit about what NROLFW is – and what has changed in these last 10 days.  The New Rules of Lifting for Women – or NROLFW – is a book that I found during my quest for knowledge about my body, and about weight loss.  For those of you that really know me – I am a research ADDICT.  If I find something that I am interested in, I will find and learn everything I can about the topic, until I believe I am an expert in said subject.  My weight loss journey has been no exception. 

I found NROLFW because I was pissed at the fad diets.  I had been doing low fat, low cal, AND watching my carbs.  I was doing the 30DS.  I was not seeing the results that I wanted.  Everyone is dieting, and everyone’s diet is the best.  Atkins, Weight Watchers, South Beach, P90x, Insanity, Zumba,  walk – don’t run, Run – don’t walk, Fruit Flushes, Detox programs, Diet pills, ARRGGHHHH!  It’s exhausting!  I came across the idea of eating more to lose more somewhere on the research trail. 

Is this possible?  You mean, I am actually allowed to eat while on a diet?!?!  I had never heard of such a thing!  I had always been taught that in order to lose weight – you eat less and move more.  I had been doing that.  And it wasn’t working.  And this “theory” explained why.  Without going into all the details – because I am sure no one will find it as interesting as I do – I will give you the basic gist of it.  For my age and my height, I need X number of calories just to function – breath, sleep, digest food, blink, etc.  My X was around 1450.  I was on a 1200 calorie diet – 250 BELOW what my body needs to function.  Then I throw in exercise, and cleaning, and walking and all the other things I do every day that burns calories – Let’s just ball park it and say 400 calories.  I was “netting” about 700 calories a day.  I was LITERALLY starving myself. 

What does your body do when it thinks it’s starving?  Holds on to every damn fat cell you have.  That’s why it wasn’t working for me!  I was not giving my body enough fuel for it to function properly.  Sure – you can lose weight this way – but to me, it’s not the healthy way to do it.  The more research I did, the more evidence I found that this was more than just a theory – the rantings of a mad man.  There were NUMEROUS websites, medical journals, books – all pointing to this same theory.  Eat more to lose more.  Back off the Cardio – start lifting weights.  And I did.  I started bumping my calories up weekly.  I quit Jillian, and started lifting.  I am feeling great about myself, and my progress, and then I get on the scale.  BAM.  GAINED 6 FUCKING POUNDS IN A WEEK.  That’s right kids.  In just 7 days I gained six pounds. 

Now – I was warned this was going to happen.  It takes time for your body to get used to all this excess “fuel”.  And until it figures out what in the hell is going on – it holds on to that fuel in case my body starts “starving” again.  Not to mention – the amount of water your body retains when lifting weights.  Apparently, water is some almighty lubricant that your muscles need to repair themselves after you decide you want to be a body builder.  Who knew?

So now I am in Limbo.  My head is telling me to stick this out.  I have done my research.  I know why this works, and why the fad diets don’t.  But – my scale is telling me to STARVE, STARVE, STARVE!!!  I am freaking out about this gain.  I was SO close to my next little mini-goal (getting out of the obese category), and now I see it getting farther and farther away.  Pound by pound.  I am trying to hold strong and wait for the day that number on the scale starts to magically fall.  I should mention that over the weekend, I drank 9 beers, had a footlong Subway sandwich (over the course of two meals), a nutty bar, a Mountain Dew (all of the above, I was blacked out drunk for) and a Reeses egg yesterday for Easter.  Now – All of those things, added up, do not equal 6 POUNDS – or 21,000.00 Calories.  It just doesn’t.  So I know its water.  And it’s my muscles.  And it’s my body freaking out.  But I am frustrated.  I don’t know how long to ride this out for.  How far do I allow myself to back track, before I say that this was a mistake? 

I am disgusted with my progress since February 22.  I am not even posting – because it’s a waste of your time and mine.  NO CHANGES.  So here I stand – fat, bloated and miserable on April 8^th, 2012.  Today begins the next 6 weeks.  Each Stage of the NROLFW is 6 weeks long.  I will be weighing in each Friday.  I am not going to measure anything else until I have completed Stage One.  I’ve already got one week down, so I will measure again in 5 weeks.  In the meantime, I will be starting the C25K program with Madie and Harley tonight when I get back from lifting. 

Hopefully, the next time I post, I will have better news for you guys.  Until then….

The “I’m fatter than I was last week” Fat Girl.