Failure, or Success?

For those of you that read my blog - I am sure you are used to me by now and how my posts normally go. I don't think this is going to be a normal post. While I can't promise not to ramble, I promise not to give every detail of every day since my last post.

One side of me is in a phenomenal place right now. The other side is not. Since the kids have started back to school, I have found it increasingly more difficult to find the time to exercise. I plan to go to the gym. I really do. And then something comes up, and I don't get to go. If it's not one thing, it's another. Soccer practice, piano, doctor appointments, dentist appointments - and everything is always a surprise. It's extremely difficult as we only have one vehicle. Matt used to be able to use his work truck for little trips here and there. But they have changed the rules on that. Now once the truck is home - it's not going anywhere. It's beyond frustrating to plan something all day long, and 5 minutes before you are supposed to do it, it get's tossed out the window. I always thing of the quote "The lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine". As a parent - that is not the case. Your kids come first - no matter what. So I have adapted.

I have a new found dedication that surprised even me. I have a contingency plan for days that life gets crazy. I started walking at work. I wear my pedometer every day. If I go outside for my break, I take the stairs. All 10 flights of them. I started parking my car farther away in the garage. Now, I have to climb 3 flights of stairs - just to get to ground level in the parking lot. I walk for 30 minutes every day on my lunch. I try to hit 10k steps each and every day. I have been drinking water like it's my job. So much that I was accused of having an eating disorder AND trying to drown myself. What I don't think some of these people understand is, I'm not drinking any more than I should be. Using the simplest calculation possible - (1/2 of your body weight = how many oz to drink) puts me at almost 110 oz of water per day. Then add in coffee, and exercise, and the number gets higher and higher. And I've met that goal every day. I have logged into MFP everyday. I figured that doing these little things everyday would help on the days when life is too crazy to fit the gym in. At least I did something, right?

With that, came this sense of self confidence. I am starting to feel good in some of the clothes I have. I don't spend my entire time obsessing over the way that I am sitting, or standing, what fat rolls are hanging out where, or what other people are thinking of me. I feel better about myself in front of Matt. Some days I look in the mirror, and I see the progress I have been longing for. Sometimes I put my favorite pair of work pants on, and realize they feel just a bit more loose than they did last time. Then I try to remember if I have already worn them one day, or if they are fresh out of the laundry. Then I realize I am wearing the same pair of pants to work everyday that I was wearing a year ago. And then the sense of failure begins creeping in the back of my head. There has been ZERO change. In a year. And I am ready to quit. Then there is C25k - which has been great in so many ways. But I am beginning to hate it.

Earlier this month, the week of the 5th through the 11th, was supposed to be Week 4 for me. Long story short - It's 4 weeks later, and I am still on Week 5. Don't get me wrong with that statement. I have been running. I have just not made any progress. I did Week 4 a second time, and have spent the last 2 weeks trying to complete Week 5. I have not been successful. At all. I have this weird block on myself that I can't seem to get past. I find that I am giving up on myself when I have barely started. And my fear grows with each workout I attempt and fail. Each time I fail, it proves more and more that I cannot do this. Last night, the crazy schedule creeped up on me again. I had planned on going to the gym, and at the last minute - plans changed. For all of about 3 minutes, I had myself talked out of running at all. But as I was explaining to Matt why I couldn't work out, I noticed I was gathering up my running gear, and getting dressed. I decided to just run at home around the neighborhood. I grabbed Harley and her leash, and before I knew it, I was gone. I was talking to myself. Out Loud. You CAN do this. You CAN do this! I did my warm up walk, and started running. And lasted about 3 minutes. I walked for about 15 seconds, then talked myself into running again. I lasted maybe a minute that time. MAYBE.

I was blaming everything. It's because it's too hot out. It's because Harley keeps running in front of me. It's because my left calf muscle is on FIRE right now. It's because this hill is just too fucking hard. I switched to Day 2 mid-workout. THAT didn't work either. Again, I made it about 3 minutes before I stopped. I sabotaged myself on that one. I was calling myself names. I was a cheater. I was a quitter. I was making excuses. I was lying to myself thinking that I, the Fat Girl, would ever be able to run. I walked home with my dog with tears streaming down my cheeks. I stretched that Left calf muscle out, jumped in the shower, and we were out the door 10 minutes later. I was depressed. I was angry. But most of all, I was disappointed in myself. I was ashamed.

I finally talked to Matt about it last night. He had some really good thoughts that I need to try to keep in mind. He told me that while I may be a failure in my own eyes, I am a success in his. He said that I have defeated myself every run in the last 4 weeks - and I see not being able to complete the runs as failure. But after each failure, I put my shoes back on, and try again the next day. He explained that not being able to finish is not failure. To be beaten 12 times, and to still get back out there every day and try again, is success. To be beaten 12 times, and quit - THAT is failure. He told me that I was an example for him and our kids that if you want something, you don't give up. You keep trying.

I may not be running 20 minutes every day - but I am TRYING to run 20 minutes every day. That in itself is more than I used to do. This is just me. No one else is telling me to do this. No one else is telling me to lose weight, or to go running, or to lift weights. I have made a decision about my life, and I have stuck with it. I am eating better than I ever have. I am more conscious of my health and my body than I ever have been. To do what we do every day takes a lot of physical and mental strength, time, dedication, and discipline.

Each time I take the stairs instead of the elevator is a success.

Each time I grab a piece of fruit, instead of the bag of chips, is a success.

Each time I drink water instead of a Mt. Dew is a success.

Each time I set a goal, and achieve it, is a success.

And each time I put on my running shoes and try again, is a success. Regardless of the outcome.

And damnnit - I am going to be successful again today.

Love - The Fat Girl

Meh.

I’m having a weird day.  I have gotten so many compliments over the last few weeks – and from people I’d never expect (i.e., Matt's ex, Donna).  “Wow, you’ve lost a lot of weight!  What are you doing?”  And I tell them, I’ve been running 3x a week, and I watch what I eat.  Simple as that.  Easy Peasy. 

Except…  I’m not.  Well, kinda.  Arrrggg!  I don’t know!

I DO run 3 times a week, for the most part.  I’ve had a few weeks where I was off a day or two because of all the other crap going on in my life.  If I miss a day – I don’t beat myself up about it.  Unless you are today.  Then I’m beating the crap out of you, because I am in a shit mood for some reason.  Maybe because I was supposed to run last night, and didn’t. 

My diet is what is killing me.  First, I’ve been slacking on tracking what I eat.  I have been logging onto MFP every day, but I have not logged one calorie I have put in my mouth since last week.  Why?  I don’t know.  I’m fat and lazy I guess.  Second – I have not been eating the way I should.  It’s not that I am doing BAD – it’s just not GOOD.  I have been drinking Mt. Dew again.  I have been eating chips again.  I have been sneaking treats late at night.  And I mean SNEAKING.  Why?  I don’t know!  I’m the only one that cares, so I don’t know why I am hiding it from everyone else.  I guess I am trying to pretend it’s not happening.  It’s not that I am binging on junk food, because I’m not.  But I am picking up the wrong snacks.  What used to be an apple, is now a handful of Dorito’s. 

Mother.  Fucker. 

Now – let me explain why I am in my I don’t know how I feel shitty ass mood.  Yes, I have been getting compliments.  Yes, people have noticed that I have lost weight.  Yes, people are asking how I have been successful.  And yes, I am making bad food choices, and making excuses when I don’t get my workout in.  What scares me is the sense of complacency I have.  I’m eating Dorito’s and drinking Mt. Dew, and still getting complimented.  In my head – my inner fat kid is rejoicing.  People think I’m skinny!!!  The Dorito’s aren’t killing me!  Yay!  SO – I begin to let things slip a bit.  Instead of Dorito’s being an occasional treat – it becomes and every night thing.  I eat GREAT all day, and 10pm rolls around, and I feel like I’ve don’t so good all day, I can have whatever I want, and It won’t matter.  And 10 pounds from now, I am gonna be like – where in the hell did THOSE pounds come from.  OH yeah, the Dorito’s I started eating every night because someone told me I looked like I was losing weight! 

This is an EVERY DAY mental struggle for me.  I make excuses so that I can go back to my old ways.  I am on some kind of weird teeter totter where one second, I get complimented, and I can feel the pride swell inside me.  I smile.  I stand up a little straighter.  I hold my shoulders back, and walk tall – straight to a mirror.  And the fat girl is looking back at me - and I totter.  I don’t see the change.  I haven’t been on a scale, so I don’t know for sure, but I don’t see it.  My clothes aren’t fitting any different.  I’m still in the same size I was in months ago.  I don’t think I’ve lost anything in months.  And now, the bag ‘O Dortio’s is looking pretty good. 

This cycle has got to stop.  I need to get back on track – just a little bit at a time.  I have made a small list of goals for myself to get back to what used to be an everyday habit for me.  And I need help.  I NEED someone to jump my ass when ONE thing on this list doesn’t get checked off every day. 

1.)    I need to drink at LEAST 8 glasses of water.  Every day.  Period. 

2.)    I need to put down the Mt. Dew. Period. 

3.)    I need to track my calories – EVERY.  DAY. 

4.)    I can only have a piece of fruit or a protein shake after 9 pm. 

5.)    I need to start making my own coffee at work again, instead of stopping at the gas station in the mornings (save money, less coffee creamer...).

6.)    I need to get my run in 3 times a week, and lift 3 times a week***

7.)    I am going to start walking at work.  I get two 15 minute breaks, and one 30 minute break every day.  I will spend at least 30 minutes walking every day at work. 
8.)  Get to ONEderland by the time we set sail on our cruise... 95 days to lose 20(ish) pounds.  Again, I haven't been on the scale in a while, and I will NOT get on it until the day we set sail.  I just hope when I do, the first number will be a 1. 

Those are the goals.  One thing I do need help with – the *** after number 6.  I have been finding it extremely hard to find time to do NROLFW.  I know I need to do deadlifts and squats.   But I need to work on my stomach and my arms.  For those that do an “Ab Day” or “Back and Arms” day – what exercises are you doing?  I need to write down a routine, and stick to it.  Any suggestions would be welcome! 

Sorry for how long this was.  I am just really struggling today, and I needed to use my fingers to type instead of shoveling food into my mouth.  Now… where did I leave that bag of Dorito’s?

I need to throw it away.  J

Time to play Catch Up....

... and update you all on what has been going on.  As you all know, I have been doing this C25k program for a while.  I have been faithful at times, and other times, not so much.  So a few weeks ago, I said forget it, and started back at Day 1 so that I could try to track my progress a little better.  Madie asked if she could run with me one night.  While we were out, we were talking about why we run.  I told her I was doing it to help me get into shape.  She asked if I was planning on running a 5 K when I “graduate” C25k.  And so it began.  I started looking online to try to find a 5k that would be fun for her and I to do together.  And I found The Color Run.  And I was devastated, because all of the races around here (Lexington, Louisville, Columbus, Indy, etc.) were all sold out.  I registered my email for notifications for new races, and all but forgot about it. 

About a week later, I received a notification.  The had added a race in Cincinnati!  I was so stoked.  I signed Madie and myself up, RIGHT AWAY.  I didn’t want to chance that it might sell out.  When I got home that evening, I had it all planned out how I was going to tell Madie.  They had a promo video on their website, and I was just going to show her the video, then tell her when it was over.  Donna had picked the kids up, and brought them over to the house.  She asked Matt if she could keep them that night, and we agreed.  But I told her I had something to show Madie before they left.  I was so excited, I couldn’t wait.  When the video came on, her face completely lit up.  She asked if we were doing it, and when I nodded, she was in tears she was so excited.  And I completely lost my high on the next words that came out of her mouth.  “Can Mommy do it with us?”  What was I supposed to say, NO?  I felt like an ass.  I don’t want Donna coming, but I don’t want Madie to know that.  I do my best to shield her from Donna and I’s drama.  So I said sure. 

Later that night, I got a text from Donna asking if I was really okay with this.  By that time I had thought about it.  This would be a good opportunity for Madie to see that Donna and I are getting along.  For Madie to spend time with both of us, without making the other one feel bad.  For the three of us to spend some time together, just us girls.  So again, I said, yes it was fine. 

Fast forward two weeks.  This past weekend - we went on a weekend trip to Dale Hollow to go boating with two other couples. I should mention that both of the other females are STICK thin, even after having kids. I was more than a little nervous to get into a bathing suit in front of them. On a last minute whim, I bought a two piece swimsuit. I am still a long way off from my goal weight, but in a strange way, I felt more comfortable in the two piece than in my grandma's hide everything ya got suit. Our first full day out on the water, we stopped at one of the docks on the lake. They had an ice cream stand, which I wanted, but passed up. Then I overheard two women talking about me... "Would YOU wear that out in public?!?" "Oh HELL NO." I watched them stare at me, then pretend to look away when they realized I was watching them.

For the first time in my life, I spoke up. I turned around and said "Do you feel better about yourself, for tearing me down? Yes, I am still a little overweight. But in the last year I have lost 70 pounds - and I have EARNED the right to wear what I want. Thank you for making me feel bad about myself, after all the hard work I have put in." Then I went and got my ice cream.

Two things happened in that moment. First... Did I need the ice cream, no. But I realized, ONE scoop in a year isn't going to kill me. So I treated my fat ass to a single scoop while wearing the first bikini I have put on in YEARS. Two... I used to let things like this destroy me. I would decide that if one person looked at me that way, then everyone was looking at me that way. Not anymore. These chicks don't know me, or know where I have been or what I have accomplished.  NOW they motivate me to work that much harder. And next year, those bitches will be wondering what I do to make my body look THAT good. And I never forget a face. Maybe I will be a bigger person than you were and keep my mouth shut. OR, maybe I will call YOU fat and try to ruin YOUR weekend. Karma is a Bitch, and so are you. 

So after my big NSV (a Non Scale Victory) this weekend, I was feeling pretty high.  We got the kids back Sunday night when we got home.  I spent a while talking to Madie.  We were just chit-chatting when she filled me in on the latest news.  Donna signed up for the Color Run.  And so did her BFF Heather, and the BFF’s daughter, Caitlyn.  Madie was so excited Caitlyn was doing it too.  So I smiled, and changed the subject.  On the inside, I was SICK. 

I am sure that some of you will not understand my side of this, or will think I am over reacting, but I am PISSED.  I did the research.  I found the race.  I signed up and paid mine and Madie’s registration fees.  It cost me about $100 to pay for just her and I.  I gave Madie my old iPod.  I made her a playlist.  I downloaded the C25k app for her and showed her how to use it, so she can train when she’s at Mommy’s or Grandma’s or whoevers.  I did all the work.  During my planning, I never thought of Donna.  But I agreed to that.  Is it the ideal way I had imagined this going?  NO, but I can make that work.  Secretly I was hoping that by the time Donna tried to sign up, they would be sold out.  Originally I had thought this would be something for Madie and I to do together.  Now this has turned into Donna and her daughter, with her best friend and her daughter.  And, Oh Hi,  It’s me.  I’m over here.  How did I end up the odd man out when I planned the whole fucking thing?  I have met Heather once or twice – but I don’t know her.  Madie is going to be too busy playing with her friend to even pay attention to me.  What in the hell would Donna, Heather and I talk about?  I’m NOT friends with you two bitches.  I feel like Carrie.  I just got invited to the prom, just so they can throw pigs blood on me.  And I am so livid, I am about to burn this fucker down. 

I am not going to say a word.  I am going to show up on the day of the race, and if Heather and Caitlyn are there – I will dip out.  I will run in the race, but I am not doing it with them.  I didn’t pay all this money, and train my ass off for this, to feel awkward and out of place all day.  I will find some of my MFP friends, or someone else I know, and run with them.  I refuse to let her ruin MY day.  I am just super discouraged. I was excited to run with my little one. To see her little face when she gets doused with color at the first K. To see her excitement when she finishes. To see the explosion of color at the end of the race. And I feel like I have been cheated out of that. I will still participate. And I will find friends to run with. But I was more excited for her than I was for me.  Which is why I won’t ruin her day.  Madie is excited to have her Mommy, and Heather, and Caitlyn do this with her.  I wouldn’t take that away from her now.  But that doesn’t mean I have to be a part of it.  And I won’t be. 

I will just run away.  I am, after all, a runner now.  Just finished Week 3, Day 2 last night (for the umpteenth time).  I am down another 6 pounds, and I am going to keep on trucking.  Fuck 'em all.