I had a great weekend. I really did. And then it all went to hell about 5:00 last night. Matt and I were on the way to Lil' Miss's soccer game. We were chatting in the car, and he asked if I was ready to be in a bathing suit in 6 weeks. The first week in June we are taking our annual friends trip to the lake. Obviously, I'm not ready - but what choice to I have? This is always a really hard weekend for me because all of my girlfriends (that are going on this trip) weigh about 90 pounds soaking wet. So, I think to myself - I'm obviously not going to be able to get to the "final" goal by then, but I can certainly step it up a bit.
I decided while we were at the game that come hell or high water, I was going to set up my home gym when I got home last night. I didn't have long before the kids would be home, so I would have to work quickly. As soon as I got home, I went straight to the basement. I quickly began moving this and that, shoving shit in corners and to the other side of the basement. Within a few minutes I had a large enough spot cleared off. I swept. I wiped down my "new" furniture. I set the TV up. I ran upstairs and got my DVD player. While Matt took care of all the wires and settings and stuff - I ran upstairs and started collecting all my workout stuff from various rooms of the house. DVDS. Weights. Yoga mat. Swiss ball thingy. Foam roller. OOOOhhhh - a desk fan!
I was so excited. I carried all the shit to the basement, turned the corner, and found Matt staring at me. It wasn't a good stare. "SPEAK! What's wrong!?!?" My DVD player is not working. It won't play. It wont even try to load the disk. It won't eject the disk inside. NOTHING. NO RESPONSE. The VCR side of the player works just fine. PERFECT. BECAUSE I DON'T OWN ONE FUCKING VHS TAPE!!! I was livid. I was sad. I was disappointed. The damn thing worked fine TWO DAYS AGO!!! What happened?!?! So now, I have my workout room. I just can't fucking use it.
Yes I can buy a new DVD player, and in fact, I already have (I pick it up today al Walmart) - but that's not the point. It's just my luck. Free TV? Free TV stand? Finally getting your workout room? NOPE. Nice fucking try. Now you have to go spend $50 dollars on a damn DVD player. Which I followed up with emotional eating - of tacos and nachos and a burrito and a Mt. Dew and fudge-cicles. At 10:00 at night.
My amazing mood carried over into this morning. My workout alarm goes off at 4:45am. What did I do? I turned that annoying thing off and went back to bed. That's right. Because I can't do my DVD. When I finally did get up for work at 5:30 - I was pissed at myself. I should have gotten up. I should have done something else - walked, run, something! When I got to work - I have my calendar staring at me. 117 days until the wedding. I get on the scale. 223.0 pounds. Next came a trail of obscenities that was a little much for even my foul mouth. I go back to the calendar. 17 weeks to the wedding. Even if I lose 2 pounds a week (34 pounds) that only puts me at 189. That's 25 pounds HEAVIER than I wanted to be. And that's IF I can lose 2 pounds a week. In the last 11 weeks I only lost 5 pounds .
This seems like an impossible feat. I feel defeated - I feel like giving up. But I know that giving up only guarantees one thing - that I will be just as fat, just as insecure - if not more so - when the day finally arrives. Obviously what I'm doing isn't working. Changes have to be made. So I go back to the basics. How does someone lose weight? By creating a calorie deficit. To lose 2 pounds per week, I need a 7000 calorie deficit per week, or 1000 calories per day. That puts me at 1260 calories per day. I need to NET that number - which means eating my exercise calories back.
And I'm sure every person I know is going to jump my shit for this - for cutting my calories the way that I am - but I have to do something. I'm giving it a shot. I gave everything else a shot. I tried the whole EMTWL or IPOARM thing for MONTHS - and this - where I am now - is a direct result of that. Yes - some things are smaller. I've lost a whopping 5 pounds. But I am still in the same clothes. I still have the same reflection in the mirror. I still have the same self hate and insecurities. I don't feel more energetic - in fact, I feel more depressed because I've tried so hard with no results.
So - I updated MFP. I changed my weight-loss ticker to start over. I haven't lost 68 pounds. I've lost 5. I updated my calories. And I bought a DVD player that will be ready for pickup by the time I get home from work. I joined a 30 day shred group today - all starting today - so I'm starting over. Plus, I'll be doing another challenge for May (same one as April). I created a page-a-day calendar for my workouts that tells me what all I have to do that day, and how many days until the wedding that I can hang up in my workout room.
I am sick and tired of hating myself and my body. I am sick of thinking to myself that Matt is lying to me when he tells me that I'm beautiful - or that this is the best I've ever looked. I want to see what everyone else sees. I want to change my own self perception. And in order for me to do that - I have to see that number on the scale change. I can't live like this anymore. I can't continue to be depressed and angry and on edge all the time. Something's gotta give.
FatGirl
