This is my place to rant...

And I am going to RANT today.  Be forewarned… I am on day 7 of a head splitting open with an ax migraine.  So I am sure this does not help my mood.  BUT – I am pissed, about several things actually.  And since this is my weight loss blog, we’ll start there. 

I joined the gym.  We all know that by now.  I have not set foot in that place in two weeks.  GRANTED – I have had the migraine that had me bed-ridden while not at work for several days.  However there were days that I felt up to working out, wanted to, and my plans were changed FOR me.  I feel like I am being sabotaged at every turn.  For example – last night.  I told Matt that I NEEDED – not wanted – NEEDED to go work out.  No problem.  Until he informs me that Brian is coming to the house to drop his boat off.  He needs some work done to it, and Matt is going to do it for him.  AND – Brian is bringing Jameson with him – their 6 month old son.  The boys are going to have to run to the store to pick up some supplies, and would I mind watching Jameson?  Hells NO!!  I love that kid – and I haven’t seen him in a while.  I would LOVE to spend some time with him.  They should be done by 6, and I can go work out….  SA-WEET!!!  Yeah, except for the fact that Brian didn’t show up until 6.  I could have gone to the gym right after work – but instead, I am sitting around my house waiting for them to show up.  The boys leave to go to the store, and don’t get back until 8.  They have bought steaks, and Brian is staying for dinner.  Guess who has to cook?  By the time I cook, we eat, and Brian leaves, it is 9:30.  I get up at 5 am.  I am exhausted, and now – there is no way in hell I am going to the gym. 

Okay – Fine.  I only have to get 3 workouts in per week for the NROLFW.  I will bump it to Tuesday.  I have a doctor’s appointment today at 3:45.  I have to make up my time at work the next three days by staying an extra 10 minutes each of the next 3 days.  I know that doesn’t sound like a lot, but with traffic in downtown Cincinnati – that 10 minutes means a whole hell of a lot.  By the time I am seen, go to the pharmacy, and get home, it’s probably going to be around 5.  I was JUST NOW informed that little man has a baseball game tonight.  At 6.  Um, WTF happened to having a schedule, so we would KNOW when games are?!?!  Now, I am not going to have time to work out before his game, and we get the kids back tonight.  I have two options here.  Either 1 – I don’t spend any time with my kids, and go to the gym directly after the game, or 2 – wait until they go to bed and go to the gym at 9 tonight.   

Now here’s the kicker.  Madie’s soccer coach just emailed me.  They have rescheduled her soccer game for this upcoming Sunday to Thursday at 6.  And they have rescheduled her soccer game from this past Sunday for Friday at 7.  In KENTUCKY.  So – NO workout Monday, Tuesday, Thursday or Friday.  Unless I get up at 4am and go, or go workout at 10 at night.  I am already sleep deprived.  As it is, I only get 5-6 hours of sleep a night.  By 9 or 10 at night – I am EXHAUSTED.  But this is the only time I have to clean, do laundry, catch up on bills, etc.  So when exactly am I supposed to work out?!?!  Especially if I take a rest day in between each of the workouts as the book suggests.  Then Matt will make some snarky comment about how I haven’t been to the gym.  If I take ONE SIP of a Mt. Dew, his is on my ass like white on rice.   

I am beyond frustrated.  I am NOWHERE close to where I wanted to be for the June 1^st weigh-in.  I’m not losing anything.  I can’t find the time to work out.  I am seriously >thisclose< to getting back on my water and carrots diet.  I’m not stupid – I know it won’t work – and I am not going to do it.  I am just venting - so let me vent.    

I know better than to give up, because this is something I have wanted so much for so long.  But it’s exhausting.  And frustrating.  And embarrassing, and all I want is a quick fix.  I want it GONE.  There is not enough hours in the day and I am tired of feeling like this. 

Roller Coaster Ride

These past few days have been such a roller coaster ride.  For those of you that read this blog faithfully, you know that my last post was one of my “down” days.  So many things have happened since then.  After my little breakdown you all were witness to, I had a major breakthrough.  This past Saturday, Matt and I headed down to Burlington KY to pick up a wireless fence we bought for the dogs.  While in Burlington, Matt suggested that we go to the Gap Outlet to try to get little man some jeans.  He tears through about a pair a week crawling around on the ground doing “boy” things.  They didn’t have much, and the prices SUCKED. 

Jeans for women, however, were on sale.  I thought, what the hell.  The ones I was wearing that very day were really loose.  I was starting to look a bit ridiculous trying to keep those suckers up with a belt.  But, they are old, and stretched out.  I never really even thought about the sizes.  I just picked up what I was used to picking up, and the same size I was wearing – a 20.  I picked out 2 or 3 pairs, went to the dressing room, and pulled them on.  I stood there and cried.  I got dressed, went back to the racks, and picked out 2 or 3 pairs of 18s.  Same drill.  Dressing room, tears, repeat.  I went back and got 16s.  They were STILL too big.  I finally found 2 pairs of 14s I liked.  I went to the dressing room, pulled them on, buttoned them with no problems, and began sobbing hysterically.  I think I scared the man that was in the room next to me.  He asked me if I was okay, and through the wall I told him everything was fine!  I pulled myself together, got dressed in my old 20s, which suddenly felt like circus pants, and walked towards the register.  I paid for my purchase, and fought back tears as I left the store.  Matt had been waiting in the car, as he’s not much of a shopper.  I was sobbing again by the time I sat down in the passenger seat.  He was immediately pissed.  He asked me what was wrong, and before I could answer, started threatening the person who had made a comment to me that made me cry (I seriously love that man <3).  I finally was able to stutter “I’m crying because I’m haaappppppppyyy”…  I finally calmed down enough to tell him why I was crying, and my experience in the dressing room.  He pulled me to him, hugged me so tight, and told me how proud he was of me.  He said that I had finally seen the results he had been seeing for a while now.  Then I called my Mama, followed by texting two of my girlfriends that have REALLY been supporting me throughout this journey to tell them of my success. 

Then life happened.  First off, I found out WHY I haven’t been losing pounds.  Apparently, I have been eating at my maintenance calories for the last 4 weeks, instead of at a deficit. That explains why I have stayed at the same weight to the ounce since the last time I weighed in.  I had to recalculate all of my numbers, and reset everything in MFP.  Secondly, I have not been to the gym since, I don’t know, like 10 days.  I did spend most of my day Saturday walking around my yard trying to set the perimeter flags up for my doggies.  Matt’s sister ended up in the emergency room Saturday night, and we got the call as we were pulling into the parking lot to get dinner.  We never got the chance to eat.  We rushed to the hospital, and spent the rest of the night there.  She was transferred to another hospital to have the operation.  The Doctor told us that she would not be having surgery until the next day – so we went home with a plan to come back Sunday.  The Surgeon had different plans.  He operated on her immediately (Thank you GOD, everything went good!).  Oh, and when we got home, we found that Lexi (our 95 pound English Mastiff) had literally chewed the collar off of Harley (our 40 pound German/Lab mix) and left all the pieces on the floor for me.  She ATE a 12 hour old, 75 dollar, receiver collar off of my other dog’s neck.  Are you KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!?!?!

Sunday, I woke up and started cleaning the house.  We went to Madie’s soccer game, and came home and started doing yard work.  I worked out there for several hours, pulling weeds, raking, sweeping.  It was hot and hard work.  I did attempt to go the gym that night, even though I was exhausted.  I was not aware that my 24 hour gym closed at 6:00pm on Sundays.  WTFE.  We got the kids back Sunday night.  Here begins my crazy week.  My Monday dinner and exercise plans were sabotaged by visiting Dana, and eating pizza. Well worth it.  J   My Tuesday plans were sabotaged by working late, picking up the kids because Matt had to work late, cooking dinner, soccer practice, baseball practice, and one crazy ex-wife.  THAT, I was NOT happy about.  Wednesday, I actually double dog dared people to try to stop me from going to work out.  I got home, popped some Excedrin, as I was starting to get a headache, changed into my workout clothes, and went with Matt to pick up the kids (thanks to the crazy ex-wife, and her crazy effing family).  Then, the friendly neighborhood MIGRAINE decided to accept my dare.  Within minutes of being in the car my entire head was throbbing.  I had to steal one of Nathan’s shirts to cover my eyes, because the light was so intense I felt like someone was hitting me in the head with an ax.  I had to roll the windows up in the car because the sound of the wind was amplified so much, I thought my eardrums were going to explode.  When Matt lit a cigarette in the car, the smell made me sick.  I went to bed at 6:15, and never recovered.  As we speak, I am sitting at my desk at work, in the dark, with sunglasses on.  I have had to practice my deep breathing techniques because I feel like stabbing the lady behind me that won’t quit typing.  I know I am typing this, but if you heard her, you would understand…  The Excedrin isn’t cutting it.  And if this thing doesn’t clear out shortly, the only place I am going when I get off work is my bed. 

In my cold, quiet, dark room.  I am so excited, I think my head might explode.